Final Chapter
Past
"Excuse me, excuse me..." Ani ko sa mga taong nagkukumpulan sa labas ng building ng Supreme Court. Ngayong araw na kasi inirelease ang results ng bar exam na tinake ko last year. Sa labas kasi ng building ng SC ipinost ang mga pumasa sa isang malaking bulletin board na nakadisplay dito. Next week pa kasi ipopost online.
Nang makalapit na ako sa bulletin board ay kaagad kong hinanap ang pangalan ko. Aaminin kong mabilis talaga ang tibok ng puso ko sa mga oras na iyon. Parang akong sasabog dahil sa mga emosyong nararamdaman ko habang hinahanap ang apelyido ko.
"Jimenez..." I keep mumbling my surname until my eyes got widened when I finally saw my family name on the list.
Jimenez, Miranda Cortes
But before I could even scream out of joy, somebody called my name. I looked back and saw a very familiar man standing behind a number of bar exam takers who were looking for their name also.
Paxton smiled at me. He was smiling at me like he was so proud of me.
I smiled back as well and started to walk near him. As the years went by, he became my only friend in law school. He knows all about me especially about my family and Arran. He was with me during my crucial years in my law degree and for that, I'm really grateful. I'm happy that he became my best friend.
"Did you pass too?" I asked him as I looked up. He was really damn tall, just like Arran.
He just gave me his warm smile again and nodded. Then he suddenly hugged me. Napangiti na lang ulit ako dahil sa pagyakap niya sa 'kin. I hugged him back as well. I'm really happy for us dahil parehas kaming nakapasa sa bar ng one take lang. And as expected of him, baka nga nagtop pa ito dahil grumuduate siyang may highest honors sa law school namin.
"I'm proud of you, Mira," His voice was soft and sincere, "You topped the bar exam."
Hindi naman kaagad ako nakapagsalita matapos ang sinabi niya. Humiwalay ako mula sa pagkakayakap ko sa kanya. I squinted my eyes at him in disbelief. He chuckled and motioned his index finger at the bulletin board.
Dahan-dahan naman akong lumapit muli sa bulletin board habang nakakunot-noo. Nang malapit na ako ay napansin ko naman ang nakapost na Top 20 sa bar exam. My eyes widened again as I saw my name on the list.
1. Jimenez, Miranda 92.16
2. Hernaiz, John Henry 91.74
3. De Rossi, Paxton Isagani 91.28
I looked back at Paxton and he was already smiling at me again. Then my best friend mouthed me 'I'm happy for you'. He even looked like he was happier that I topped even though he also ranked 3rd in the bar.
I couldn't even believe it myself.
●●●
Present
Two months later.
"Kamusta?"
Napangiti naman ako sa tanong ni Dr. Demonteverde na siyang personal psychiatrist ko. Last month pa kasi ako nagsimula sa therapy ko - and it was really a progessing activity. Ni hindi ko nga aakalain na siyang ayaw kong gawin dati (ang magpacheck ng psychiatrist/psychologist) ay nagagawa ko na ngayon. The doctor who's also now my friend helped and assisted me throughout my therapy.
"Kahapon, pumunta ako sa dagat. I even liked it there dahil walang masyadong tao. Doon ko napag-isipang magpinta." I answered her truthfully. Sa therapy sessions kasi namin ay pinagagawa niya ako ng mga recreational activities tulad ng pagpipinta, pagsusulat, pagtatanim saka pagluluto. As of now, I'm enjoying all of it. Hindi ko nga alam na enjoyable pala ang ganung mga bagay kesa umupo buong araw sa opisina.
Tapos hindi lang iyon, sumasali rin ako sa iba't-ibang mga recreational organizations. Nalaman ko ring hindi lang ako ang mga ganitong pinagdadaanan sa buhay, hindi naman dahil baliw kami - no, we aren't crazy nor insane - we just have really low self-esteem, hopeless and insecurities due to our bad experiences in life. I even realized that masaya palang may mga taong nakikinig at hindi ka hinuhusgahan sa mga pinagdadaanan mo - just like the people I met in the orgs.
With that span of time, I chose not to use any cellular phones to fully medidate what I really want in my life. I quit my job as a lawyer, I sold my house, never contacted anyone and even though it broke my heart, I put my dogs for adoption. I did some sacrifices in order to fully heal myself.
And I'm doing really good at it.
When I sold my house, I transferred into much far away area, isolated from the people. Marami na rin kasi akong naipon mula sa pag-aabogasya ko kaya nasusuportahan ko pa rin ang sarili ko. Hindi lang iyon, I also learned that my deceased father had provided me a trust fund, me and my younger siblings have trust funds from him.
"I'm happy with your progress in your therapy, Miranda," Dr. Demonteverde replied and smiled at me. May kinuha naman itong maliit na puting papel sa drawer ng office table nito at inabot sa 'kin. Nasa clinic kasi niya kaming dalawa, "Get a pen. I need you to write something."
Kumuha naman ako ng ballpen sa penholder niya.
"This is another therapy session for you, but a little bit of different," She started as I was just staring at the paper, "I've noticed a good development in your mood and personality these days... but I know, there's still something bothering you... that stopping you from moving forward, that you're still taken aback."
Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako biglang kinabahan dahil sa sinabi niya.
"I know you already have forgiven those people who wronged you... especially your family," The doctor spoke softly to me, "But have you already apologized to those people you have wronged?"
I finally looked up and stared at her because of her last statement. Dr. Demonteverde was just giving me a tight smile.
I bit my lip and looked down. I felt guilty.
I felt ashamed 'cause somehow what the doctor said was true...
I still couldn't really move forward that fast because there's something bothering me, stopping me from healing completely.
"Miranda, list down on that paper the persons you want to apologize for... and write a short message for them. At least in this case, you're slowling trying to let go of the burden that is still in your heart through that mini letter."
"This is a way of accepting and letting go of your old self, Miranda."
It was after a few minutes when I started to scribble on the paper. My hand was trembling when I was writing the names of the persons whom I wanted to say sorry for. Maybe because a surge of memories were coming back into me... memories that could haunt me forever if I won't let it go.
I wrote three names on it.
Paxton
Bea
Arran
●●●
I took a deep breath as I am waiting at my favorite place for him. Halos tatlong buwan din akong nawala at hindi bumalik sa Metro. Almost three months in which I isolated myself from everyone I know, including my family, peers and friends. I don't know but because of that decision, it somehow felt right. I somehow discovered myself with the therapy that I have gone through.
I was just looking at the sea while the warm breeze rushed into me. Nasa isang cottage kasi ako sa seafood restaurant na iyon. I just needed to talk to him for one last time... to finally apologize and to let go of things.
"Miranda."
I looked back the moment a familiar voice called my name. Then I saw him there, standing few meters away from me. Suddenly, I remembered a lot of memories that we shared together before... those memories which I won't never forget because it became part of me and it made me happy.
But all will be remained in the past.
I smiled at him. The man whom I used to love so much. The man whom I gave everything that I have - my heart, body and soul. The man that I cared the most.
And the man whom I broke into a million pieces.
Unting-unti naman itong lumapit sa 'kin. When he was already a few inches near me, I spoke, "Hi."
Several years ago, he really looked like a teenager when we started dating tapos ako, maliit nga pero mukha namang Ate niya. I couldn't really understand why he fell in love with me despite the age gap - maybe only him could answer. Who knows, love moves in mysterious ways.
He smiled at me as well, "Hi."
Simula 'nung biglaang pag-alis ko, hindi ko alam kung ano ng nangyari sa kanila. But I was always praying and hoping that somehow, their lives didn't get ruined because of me.
"Ang gwapo mo pa rin." I complimented as Arran chuckled. Before, his laughter would always brighten up my day. Iba kasi ang dala niya kapag tumatawa siya. It was genuine. Natural. Peaceful.
"And you're still adorable, Miranda." He replied. Napangiti naman ako. Ganun kasi ang compliment niya lagi sa 'kin. Dahil hindi naman daw ako katangkaran, appropriate daw ang salitang cute o adorable sa 'kin.
"How's... Beatriz?"
I noticed he was surprised with my question but still he managed to give me a tight smile. I know I've caused too much scandal in their growing family, "She's fine... but we're separated."
I felt quiet with his answer.
"The annulment case is still going on. I fucked it up big time, Miranda. When you just suddenly vanished again, everything fucked up. I fucked up," He continued but he was still smiling, pero hindi na iyon abot sa mga tenga niya, "I destroyed everything. My wife. My daughter. You."
Napapikit naman ako at napakagat-labi, "I'm so sorry, Arran. I'm sorry if I have hurt you several years ago and I'm still sorry for what I did to you and to Beatriz." I forced myself not to cry. But this is the time that I should finally make things right. Because I want to heal.
Kasi gusto ko ng ang sarili ko naman ngayon ang pagtuunan ko ng pansin... Gusto ko ng mahalin ang sarili ko.
"We all did mistakes, Miranda," He said as I opened my eyes again to look at me, "Stupid mistakes that cost us our loved ones. We made stupid mistakes without even thinking the consequences due to our emotional impulses."
Arran suddenly held my right cheek, "Miranda... I do love you. I loved you. When you suddenly went away, when they finally approved my annulment case, I realized a lot of things, about my family, especially when Beatriz cried and told me she's willing to let me go if that's going to make me happy. I felt guilty, Miranda. Lalo na nang makita ko si Catalina, ang anak namin... Just seeing Catalina made me remember our stillborn daughter, Eleanor. I didn't have a chance to be a father to our daughter... but Catalina came. Even though I fucked everything up, I realized I want to be a good father to her. Kahit hindi man kay Eleanor, at least for Catalina."
Hindi ko namang maiwasang mapangiti sa sinabi ni Arranio sa 'kin. I felt a tear escaped my eye but he wiped it with his finger.
"I decided to separate with Beatriz. I've hurt her too much because of my stupidity and selfishness... not only that, I caused confusion between us, Miranda. Siguro if we'll be separated, mas magiging mature akong tao. I want to be better in order to be a good father towards Catalina."
"You will. You'll be a good father, Arran. I believe in you. I always believe in you." I told him softly. Ngumiti naman ito sa akin at bigla akong niyakap. I hugged him back as well. Maybe this is going to be the last time we'll hug each other.
"Thank you for everything, Arran," I said while we were still hugging. I even felt him kissing the right side of my forehead, "I'm finally letting you go."
Yes, I'm finally accepting everything that happened between us (it's all in the past now) and I'm letting him go.
"Me too, Miranda. I'm letting you go."
●●●
It was already almost midnight when I arrived at the front of his bachelor's pad door. Kanina, matapos kaming mag-usap ni Arranio ay may ibinigay ako sa kanyang sulat para kay Beatriz. I asked him to give my letter to Bea. It was an apology and farewell letter for her.
I smiled as I put the paperbag that I was holding on the floor near his pad's door. Nandoon din ang letter ko para sa kanya. I will really miss him.
Thank you for everything, Paxton.
Tumalikod na ako at nagsimula nang humakbang. I smiled genuinely as I walked away from his place. During that hour, I realized what Dr. Demonteverde told me during our session. In order to completely heal yourself, you must accept the past and let go. And I did.
And it was the best feeling that I ever had.
●●●
Epilogue next.
Q: What do you think of this final chapter? I like to hear your thoughts. Last na eh. Hahahaha.