Gender: Female.
Ok
Tribe: Nightwing.
Ok
Name: Eclipse.
Not a bad name, if it weren't for the fact that it's taken. How about we make it Lunar Eclipse instead, for some originality, and because she was born on a lunar eclipse, yes?
(Also, sorry for being a grammar nazi, but you keep misspelling "eclipse" throughout the whole form. Just wanted to tell you. Again, sorry for being a grammar nazi)
Age: 25
Not a bad age.
Sexuality: Lesbian
*Throws more glitter*
Residence: A cave in the Claws of the clouds mountains.
Ooh! Realistic, actually. I have seen this only, like, once before.
Occupation: Used to be a Guard for BattleWinner, now doesn't have one.
Again, pretty realistic. Just make sure she was only a guard for her in the throne room, and that Eclipse didn't actually see her — or, maybe, make her a guard for Princess Greatness instead.
Queen they support: None. She believes she should be queen of the nightwings.
A lot of NightWings do, so this is realistic.
Family: Mother: Nimbleclaws.
A good name. Original, unique, yet not too over-the-top. Lovely.
Father: Sharptalon
Sharptalon's a bit odd. It sounds like only one of his talons are sharp, while the others are dull. Why not something like Sharpmind?
Abilities; she's an animus who has enchanted herself to never has to sleep, and never has to eat or drink. She hasn't made herself invincible, because she enjoys killing to defend herself. She made herself partially immortal, so she will live longer.
Well, despite what you may think, I don't automatically scream at people for having an animus OC. I, in fact, have an animus OC.
The only two things that must go along is:
A) It must be realistic, and the laws of animus abilities must be applied (for example; animus dragons can't bring back the dead, so therefore this OC can't bring back the dead)
B) She must be somehow related to Stonemover, as he and his blood family members carry the animus gene.
Appearance: Her pupils are gold, with the outside being black. Her under belly and under tail is gold. Her scales are still raisin-y. Her talon tips are crimson. Her horns shoot out of her head at a ninety degree angle, and the spikes on her back are more clumped together than usual.
Gold pupils? At the very least, make the pupil black and the iris gold. Again, I'm rusty on the knowledge, so you may want to google that, but like... there must be something seriously wrong with her eyes if her PUPILS are GOLD.
I recommend removing the gold color completely. There are only two eye colors that NightWings have been noted to having: black and dark green (the latter being much rarer). So, either make her eyes black or dark green. Maybe even dark blue. But not gold, please.
Also, a gold underbelly? Really? If it's like pale yellow or something I would be screaming at you less, but NightWings don't even have gold! Anywhere! Unless they're a hybrid, but it just says that Eclipse is a NightWing. So, at the very least, make her underbelly a pale, dull/grayish yellow (HOWEVER, if there is a good reason for WHY she has a gold underbelly, then excuse this bit. I don't take back the eye-color thing though).
And why are her talon tips crimson? If those are bloodstains (looking at the personality, I wouldn't be surprised) then alrighty. If it's natural, please remove it or make it so she wasn't born from them and got them from killing.
Personality: Being an animus has(almost) completely destroyed her soul.
YES! That's realistic!
She's cunning and manipulative. She loves to trick people into her traps and loves killing with all her heart. She loves Fateless with an unhealthy obsession.
... Okay, less realistic. The last bit's okay though. Just because animus dragons go crazy, doesn't mean they automatically love killing without reason. Who knows, maybe Eclipse kills because she's growing more and more paranoid and she feels like they're trying to control her or something, I don't know. It really depends on her backstory.
The other bits are okay, and overall the personality's pretty good. You could've made it a lot more detailed though; even though her soul's being torn apart doesn't mean she doesn't have a personality. I'm just saying, this personality seems awfully black-and-white.
Backstory:
Her mother and father were rushing back to the into the rock. Nimbleclaws quickly glanced up at the moon. "An Eclispe" she thought. "How rare." She and Sharptalon rocketed into the island and hurriedly flapped to the place their egg laid. They egg had splinters all around it, her egg. The egg was weird in itself. It had some golden hues around it.
Is there a reason why? Oooh, maybe this is like a headcanon or something where NightWings born on a lunar eclipse gets weird special hues?
A few moments later, the egg splintered open and out popped her dragonet. She blinked at her parents whipped her tail around. She smiled up at her parents, her white teeth flashing. Her eyes stared up with curiosity in her eyes. She curled her talons in and stretched them. She wobbled up and carefully went around the cave. Nimbleclaws had smiled so big at her little dragonet. She looked over and Sharptalon and he looked back. They smiled at each other, huddled together, and watched their dragonet.
It took a few days for Nimbleclaws to decide a name, but she finally settled on Eclispe, since her dragonet was born on a Eclispe. Her dragonet seemed to like the name, as she beamed when ever someone said it.
But Eclispe started acting weirdly soon after her birth.things always seemed to go in her families favor, and Nimbleclaws was so confused. The tribe hadn't had an animus in forever, and she was always reminded of Darkstalker. She fretted this happening and he family being blamed so she and Sharptalon and her talked about it and they decided to throw her out.
... Just like that? Were they that scared of her? Judging by the previous sentences, I'm rather surprised by this. They seem like they love Eclipse so much, so much that her being an animus wouldn't change that. Why did it change all of a sudden?
They took her to the entrance and flung her out when she was ten. She stared at her parents, sadness filling her eyes. Nimbleclaws already had felt guilty. But Eclipse had strived in by herself. She used her animus powers more now, since she was by herself. She always felt pride using them.
If I were an animus, I would too lmao.
She knew that she was special and adored it. She enchanted herself to have the best jewelry ever. Giving herself a ruby ankle cuff, sapphire necklace, and emerald earrings. Until she met Fateless after the volcano. Fateless was perfect in every way. Her kind light green eyes, the way she smiled, every thing was perfect. But Eclipse new she wasn't good enough. Until this fool named Scalebreaker started dating Fateless. Eclipse was so mad she continued her ways and captured Scalebreaker and tortured him for a month before killing him. She now forced herself to introduce herself to Fateless. Now her and Fateless and her are good friends but Eclipse still hasn't changed her ways.
Yikes, but realistic for an animus dragon who's abusing her powers lmao
Mate: N/A
Ok
Crush: Fateless
Good name, btw
Dragonets: N/A
Uh-huh
Era: about the DoD era
Okay
My Rating:
7.7/10
Originality: 24/25 (1 point knocked off for Eclipse being a canon name)
Realism: 18/25 (.5 points knocked off for the name Sharptalon, 3.5 points knocked off for the appearance, 2 points knocked off for the personality, 1 point knocked off for the unexplained reason as to why they threw her out)
Interest: 15/25 (I'm somewhat interested in this character)
Uniqueness: 20/25 (This character is very unique)
Comments:
I definitely recommend, along with fixing the current errors, with going more in detail with everything. I don't know; strangely, even with her being an animus, Eclipse strangely strikes me as... bland. Perhaps not ordinary, but definitely bland. I think you should try spicing her up some, add something crazy that happened in her life, I don't know.