Near to You
19
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And now I steal the words he ended with: I miss you. And I do miss you.
Hi & Low – The Wanted
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It had been a full month, almost. The time did not pass quickly, either. It was a slow, antagonizing process as I waited for things to look up. They never did. I was well into my second semester by that point, but no matter how nice my classmates were, or how interesting the course material could be, I had lost all interest. It was so very unlike me to let anything get in the way of my schooling, it was the most important thing in my eye, but this was an entirely bizarre situation in itself.
I had not seen, nor heard, from Zayn over the passing days after the premiere. I could not find him after the viewing of the movie, and he had not shown up at the coffee place. I knew he was avoiding me, it was the only reason he would not have gone to seen Joe, the only reason Joe wouldn’t be able to look me in the eye every time I asked after him, but some part of me, a foolish, naïve part, hoped that he was just busy, and that I’d still be able to sort this all out with him.
Snow was heavy on the ground as I trudged toward the coffee shop. Classes had been let out early because of a severe weather warning. Ridiculous, I might add, because it was always horrible here, and a little more snow shouldn’t have gotten in the way of classes. Regardless, I was somewhat happy about my freed time because it meant I could get a little writing done. I’d been extremely neglectful, I realized, for the past few months, and Jules had recently imposed a deadline, after my outing had become a huge success.
Life pretty much carried on the same for me after the premiere, with the exclusion of Zayn being absent from my life. I was hardly bothered except for the odd person who could actually recognize me and ask for an autograph. I had been afraid of nothing, I now knew. I could carry on just as I was. They knew my name but they didn’t know me. I found that slight blessing in my line of work.
Zachary had been my rock through this entire thing. He’d spent more than a few nights consoling me with chocolate and tissues in my room. He was so kind and sweet to me, that if he hadn’t had a boyfriend I would have made a move on him myself, even in my vulnerable state.
I tugged my scarf tighter around my neck, my shoulders hunching upward as I checked my phone for messages. As I suspected, I had missed one by placing my phone in the pocket of my large coat. Zachary had to bail on the coffee, I saw as the message appeared. I was a little disappointed. I was tired of going to Joe’s by myself, and feeling extremely alone amongst all the empty seats, but I was almost there already, and there was no point in turning back.
Bells chimed a bit as I stepped into the shop, a recent addition to the place. It had been a shock the first time and Joe had gotten a good laugh out of my terrified expression. Zayn would have laughed too had he been there. My heart clenched, as it always did, when my thoughts happened to stray toward the man, so I shook it off and unbuttoned my coat.
“Hello Joe,” I mumbled, looking down at the zipper I was struggling with. “I know I’m a bit early but classes are out and—”
I stopped speaking almost immediately as I looked up, spotting an occupied booth. It was not the elderly couple who came in once a week for some lunch together, because it was only Tuesday and they always came around Friday. It was Zayn, in the flesh, not on my computer screen in an article I was reading to make sure he was still alive and alright. It was truly, right before me, Zayn.
I didn’t know what to say, and neither did he because he kept giving me a look as if he had been caught by the police. He resembled a deer in headlights. It would have been amusing had I not known why he looked so terrified. It was because of me. He was scared of me.
“I…” he trailed off.
“It’s nice to know you’re alive.” I put out as Joe disappeared into the back to give us some privacy.
“Alive and well.” He grimaced a bit. I did not know if I should sit across from him as I normally would have, so I remained standing awkwardly, my coat hung over my arm.
“I called you a lot.”
“I know.”
“And I sent messages.”
“I got them.”
“But you never responded.”
“I just didn’t…I don’t know what to say.” He shrugged sheepishly and I bit my own lip, nervous.
“I just really wish you’d have let me explain things to you.” I sighed. “I understand now, why you wouldn’t want to listen. Zachary helped me realize how wrong I was in keeping it from you.”
I placed my coat next to my chair in my original booth, stepping behind the counter to fix my own coffee because I knew Joe wouldn’t be back for a while. His cigarette breaks were notoriously long, and they would be even longer now that he knew the tension waiting for him inside.
Placing two pounds in the till I took a sip of the warm beverage, relief for my cold, chapped lips.
“So that’s it then?” Zayn asked as I made my way back to my seat, pulling out the notebook I’d bought months ago before I’d even met him. It seemed like such a long time ago, and in actuality, it had only been a few months.
“I didn’t think I should bother you anymore.”
I had so much that I wanted to say to him, I wanted to make him see what I had been trying to do when I kept who I really was a secret from him but I remembered his face on the day of the premiere. He’d been so hurt. I didn’t deserve the chance to make things right again.
He didn’t respond, just stared down at the book below him that he had been reading before he entered. It wasn’t a book I noticed as I stole another glance in his direction, my attempts to write for once, forgotten. It was a magazine, one I was in, if I was going to be particular. He was reading the two page spread I had done two weeks ago.
“I’ll stop saying we’re friends.”
“What?” His head shot up my way.
“I say that we’re friends because I don’t want people to read into things wrong, and I don’t want to give you bad publicity by saying we’re not,” I explained. “They’d ask questions and such, but I’ll stop. I’ll say we’ve gone out of contact or something because I’m so busy now.”
“You don’t have to.” My eyebrows furrowed.
“But we’re not, are we?” I asked. “I mean…I haven’t seen you, and you haven’t made any effort to…”
“I don’t know anymore, Michelle.” Zayn sat back, running his hand through his hair. “I mean, I wanted to hear your explanation at first, but then I got so angry that you would keep something from me. Now I just don’t know.”
“I’m really sorry,” I said again.
“I know you are,” he assured me. “That’s what makes all of this worse. I just hate the fact that I’m hurting you, but you hurt me first.”
“I didn’t mean to.” My voice had grown soft and sounded very tearful much to my embarrassment. “I had kept it to myself for so long, I didn’t want to come out. I had planned on telling you that night when we met up. If I’d known you’d be at the premiere as well I would have said something so it wouldn’t have been such a shock.”
He did not say anything for a while, but I was alright with that. I’d finally been able to explain why I’d done what I’d done and that was all I could ask for.
I packed up my things, knowing full well that I wouldn’t be getting any work done if I stayed there. I gave Zayn a small smile before I exited into the snowy weather. It had begun to fall again and my eyes fluttered a bit as some tried to get between the lashes.
I would talk to Jules about heading back to Toronto for a bit, at least for the summer. Maybe I would make it permanent and transfer schools again. London certainly didn’t hold much for me anymore, and while I loved Jules, and Zachary, and even my crazy publisher on his good days, I just didn’t have the strength to stay there anymore, so far away from the people who really cared about me.
“Lewis, wait.”
I heard behind me. Thinking it was a fan, I turned around with a smile. It fell as soon as I realized it was Zayn, lacking a proper coat.
“What are you doing?” I asked. “Are you crazy? It’s freezing out here.”
“I couldn’t let you just walk away like that.” He shook his head. “You might have done something dramatic, like move back across the pond.”
I blushed slightly because he had gathered my thoughts so easily, but I hoped it could be passed off as the cold kissing my cheeks.
“So what are you saying?”
“Go out with me.”
My eyebrows widened in shock.
“What!”
“One date,” Zayn continued. “We’ll start fresh, properly.”
“But Zayn…people will talk and—”
“Let them talk.” He threw his hands up in the air to prove just how much he didn’t care. “I’m tired of allowing my life to be ruled by everyone else and what they think of me, aren’t you?”
“Yeah.” I finally agreed, nodding. “Let’s do it.”