April 18, 2018
3:56 pm
Day 1
The anxiety that is currently filling up my empty stomach really makes me want to die. Well isn't that one hell of an opening sentence. So far, I've had three doctors visit me, all being from different parts of this hospital. One was a cardiologist who came in to check my heart and, according to her, I "would've lost my life" if I kept going at it for the next few months. The second doctor that came in was just the head doctor who was asking me all sorts of questions regarding how long I had been dealing with this issue and if I had ever been hospitalized before. I told him that I had never been hospitalized and that I had been dealing with my "issue" for quite a few years. Roughly six, if you wanted to be exact. The third and final doctor who came in was my psychiatrist who had given me a paper with dozens of questions regarding my mental health.
I feel anxious in social settings. Constantly
I feel restless, agitated, frantic, or tense. Often
I had trouble sleeping - I could not fall or stay asleep, and/or didn't feel well-rested when I woke up. Rarely
I often feel like life is not worth living. Rarely
Those were just a few of the ones that I recall. I mean, there were like sixty of them. So they were all kind of difficult to remember. I'm supposed to have an appointment with the therapist at 4:15, which leaves me fifteen minutes to my thoughts.
The halls are pretty loud right now. I'm assuming that they had just released school because apparently they have that here. I wonder if they'll have music classes for me to take. I don't think I could go longer than a week without playing piano.
Unfortunately, I didn't get to take a look around before I made it to my room. My first thought would've been to look for something that resembles a music room. All of this music talk has got me craving Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 14 right about now.
Anyways, I should probably start trying to find my way to the therapist's office. Knowing myself, I'll more than likely get lost and I'd rather be early than late.
-Kinsley
•
Kinsley placed the now closed blue notebook on the cream colored sheets, letting out a small sigh as she looked up at the clock on the wall. The two hands pointed to four and one, telling her that the time was 4:05. She pushed herself off the bed and her bare feet hit the cold, tiled floor. She walked over to her socks and shoes that laid on the floor next to the door and began to put them on. As she began the process, a presence that she sensed above her pulled her attention away from the white socks below her. She lifted her head and her green eyes locked with blue.
"You must be new." the girl's raspy voice let out while a small smile spreads across her face.
"What makes you say that?" Kinsley asks before putting her attention back on her original task.
"You have that anxious look on your face," she says with a chuckle, "and you're putting on your shoes to go wander the halls."
"Oh," Kinsley says gazing down at her laced up Converse. "I wasn't aware that I was allowed to walk around without shoes on."
"It's all good. We only have to wear shoes if we're going to class," she says as she extends her hand. "What's your name anyways?"
"Kinsley." she replies as she grasps onto the red headed girl's hand.
"I'm Lauren." the girl lets out as she hoists Kinsley up from off the floor.
"Nice to meet you Lauren." Kinsley says as she gets a better look at the girl.
Her naturally red hair sat right upon her shoulders, bringing out the blue in her eyes. Over the white tank top she wore a black leather jacket, which had a small patch of silver writing on the left shoulder. She had on a pair of black combat boots that covered the bottoms of her black skinny jeans that had rips in the knees.
"I take it you have somewhere to be." Lauren says as she starts to walk out the doorway.
"Unfortunately. I have a meeting with the therapist." Kinsley says as she followed the red head out of the room.
"Ah, I see. Her room is down this hallway and to the right. The number is 218, I believe." Lauren says motioning down the long hallway.
"Thank you. I probably would've gotten lost without your help," Kinsley says with a small laugh.
"No problem. What time is your appointment over? Maybe we can head to dinner together or something."
"Oh uh," Kinsley stuttered nervously, "it shouldn't last l-longer than a half hour."
Lauren's eyebrows furrowed at the brunette's odd behaviour but decides to keep her thoughts to herself to not start an altercation with the new possible friend.
"Alright, I'll meet you back here at five?" She cautiously asks, trying to ease the awkward energy that was now radiating around them.
Kinsley nodded her head and waved before making her way down the hall. Her heart is rapidly pounding as she tries to recover from the pre-panic attack behaviours. The brunette couldn't help but feel annoyed at the question that she was just asked even though she knew the ginger did not mean any harm by it; she just did not know why Kinsley's anxiety spikes every time she hears anything remotely related to food.
In response to her rapid heart beat, she began to do the breathing exercises that her band director would make them perform before long marching band rehearsals. She breathed in for four then out for four, doubling up the seconds every time she performed a new round of the exercise. She always found these exercises calming, and it set her at ease every time she conducted them. Her heart rate calmed down just in time because as soon as it appeared to be at ease, she found herself in front of the therapist's office. She knocked lightly on the door and heard a raspy voice.
"Come in!" The voice exclaimed.
Kinsley pushed open the wooden door and was faced with a woman who was typing away at her computer, showing no interest in the teenage girl in front of her.
"Take a seat," she said as Kinsley sat down in the pink plush chair. "Just let me finish this up and I'll be ready for our appointment. I'm assuming that you are Ms. Kinsley Oliver."
"Yes, I am." the brunette nervously says.
While the blonde therapist finishes writing out what Kinsley guessed to be an email, Kinsley took it upon herself look around the room. It was pretty bland for the most part, aside from the few diplomas that were evenly divided on both the left and right walls. Pictures of two children sat upon her desk, which Kinsley could only assume were pictures of her two children. Next to those three pictures was a gold engraved name tag that read Jennifer Mollie and a plain white mug that held a variety of pens and pencils.
"So Kinsley," Jennifer lets out as she shuffles through papers in a file folder. "How are you doing today?"
"I'm doing alright. How about you?" Kinsley replies fiddling around with her fingers.
"I'm doing great, thank you," the blonde says looking up to smile at her. "So it says here that your psychiatrist has diagnosed you with anorexia, depression, and anxiety."
'Well damn, isn't that just a lovely large group of mental illnesses. Maybe they could party together,' Kinsley thought to herself as her mind went racing.
"Oh." she says trailing off.
At this point she would much rather be explaining to Lauren about why she got so anxious when she was asked to go to dinner tonight than have to sit here on the brink of tears. Although now that she thinks about it, either one of those instances would bring her to tears.
After what felt like hours, the blonde therapist released the anxious teen from her office. She glanced up at the clock right across the hall and saw that it was exactly five o'clock. Lauren is more than likely waiting for her at her room, hopefully deciding that going to dinner would be off her list of things to do tonight.
"Have a nice night, Ms. Oliver. Don't forget about your journaling." Jennifer said as Kinsley made her way out of the small room.
"You have a nice night, too." the teen let out before making her way down the hall.
Her heart once again resumed its familiar pounding, this time the rumbling of her stomach was occupying the attention in her brain. She did not know how to explain her situation to Lauren. Maybe if she politely declines dinner and says that she's not feeling too well then they could go about the situation without any explanations? But then again she'd still have everyone up her ass about eating, and her doctor would be checking her journal where she's supposed to be writing down her calorie intake. As she takes a left turn to walk down her hallway, she sees Lauren standing with her back against the wall, her head buried into a book.
"Look who survived her first session!" Lauren says as the brunette neared closer.
"Oh hush." Kinsley said with a slight laugh.
The two teens take a step into the spacious room and Kinsley kicks off her shoes, flopping herself onto her bed after her converse flew off her feet. Lauren takes a seat next to her and takes a look around the room.
"You think you're gonna spice up the room?" she asks as Kinsley shrugs.
"I would if I were staying for long. I'm supposed to be here for a month. No sense in making this feel like home if I'm only here for a short period of time."
"You're lucky. I've been here for three months," the red head says looking down at her feet. "But I mean, it is kind of my fault."
"What do you mean?" Kinsley asks, not even thinking about the comment coming across as blunt or rude.
"Oh well, I have a condition called Cardiomegaly, which I think you can assume that it has something to do with my heart. It is enlarged, and I really need a new one, but unfortunately, I am at the bottom of the waiting list," she said before as she adjusted her spot on the bed. "I have a long history with drugs. It's the reason why I am at the bottom of the list because there are other healthier patients that need a heart I guess."
"Awe," Kinsley responded as she turned to look at Lauren. "Well I guess you could say the reason I'm here is my fault, too. So you're not alone on that one."
"What do you have? That's only if you're comfortable with sharing it with me."
"Well I mean, I feel obligated to tell you so I guess it doesn't matter if I want to or not," Kinsley said before sighing. "I have an eating disorder. Anorexia, if you want to be specific."
"Oh," Lauren said. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable earlier. I didn't know that-"
"No need to apologize," Kinsley lets out softly. "You're not the first person to say that."
The two of them sit there in an awkward silence for a minute, uncomfortably letting the awkwardness radiate around them. Neither of them really knew what to say. As far as they know they have nothing in common, so they really had nothing to talk about.
"So I guess that it would be rude of me to ask if you want to head to dinner?"