- Thursday, March 8th, –
The initial shock of Emma's pregnancy, Finnley's never-ending pile of secrets, and his parents change settled down a bit, and Oliver came over today to keep me company while visiting Emma myself.
I need to see for myself if she's really pregnant. I need to hear her tell me myself before I will really believe it is true.
And that Finnley's going to be a father while he's not even here to witness it.
Oliver is driving since my mind keeps taking me to weird places and I'm not really focused enough to drive and get us to our destination safely.
I don't think I've said anything to Oliver so far, but by now I don't need to say anything for him to know I'm thankful he's here with me right now.
He arrived and came inside to wait patiently – though he's still impatient as ever – for me to be ready to leave. He simply hugged me tightly but hasn't said anything himself either.
I think he knows there's nothing to say right now. I told him all that Finnley's parents told me on Tuesday and how they are now open to the idea of Finnley and me together as a couple. How we might have gotten through to them in November.
We just never spoke to them again afterwards to find out we did.
And now I just wish Finnley would be here, so he'd know his parents are accepting him the way he is. Not that I expect him to forgive them as soon as he's home, but I do know Finnley secretly really missed home.
Oliver parks the car in the parking lot that is meant for visitors and in silence we walk towards the entrance. We're entering right behind a guy, holding a toddler on his arm and we wait until he is done signing in as a visitor himself, before we walk towards the lady behind the desk.
"Name?"
"Cristian Evans and Oliver Makenzie," I answer with a slightly trembling voice.
"Visiting?"
"Emma Howards."
She nods knowingly while typing on the keyboard, staring towards the screen. "Have you visited before?"
"No 'mam."
"Read this, and sign this." She hands us papers and taps a line, telling us where to sign. "Once you did, I'll sign you guys in. Visitations start in fifteen minutes, so you have plenty of time." She smiles towards us.
We nod in unison and sit down – again in silence – both focused on our papers, reading rules. Which include no touching besides a short hug or handshake at the beginning and end of the visitation. Like I want to touch her. No cursing, loud talking, or PDA. We're allowed to bring in snacks, but we're not allowed to leave them behind for Emma to take.
The list goes on for a while, and I almost feel as if we're in jail ourselves too. But on the other hand, these rules make me a bit at ease. If Finnley did indeed visit Emma in jail, at least she wasn't capable of touching him in any way.
He couldn't give her things, she couldn't give him things either.
They could've just talked.
I sign the papers telling them I've read and understand the rules, heading back to the lady as soon as Oliver is done too. We sign in, get a name tag and are told to take a seat for another couple of minutes.
Then we're picked up by security guards, we have to empty out our pockets, leave behind our belongings for the time being, and walk through a metal detector. We're searched quickly and then we're guided to a room with about twenty to thirty tables. We're not the first ones inside, and Emma is already seated at a table, nervously biting her nails while staring at a couple close to her.
Her hair is pretty much a mess and she looks hideous in the mandatory prison clothes.
To her, orange isn't the new black.
"Emma." I use little to no emotion in my voice, let alone show any in my demeanour.
"Cristian!" she slightly jumps in her seat and she moves to get up. "And..."
"Oliver," Oliver introduces himself with a cold voice, sitting down without shaking her hand.
"Ooh..." Emma stares at him with wide eyes. "Finn's friend, right?"
"Yeah." Oliver stares at her, not trying to hide his hatred towards her, while I'm doing my best to stay neutral. I don't want to piss her off. The rules clearly stated Emma has a right to leave and head back to her dormitory whenever she pleases.
"I was kind of surprised when I heard you wanted to visit me." Emma shortly looks towards Oliver, but eventually settles on making eye-contact with me. "My own parents won't even visit me so I'm kind of thankful that you want to...
"We're just here because we have some questions." I cut her blabbering short, trying to ignore the need to feel sorry for her that even her own parents won't visit.
"Ooh... right." She nods, looking sad. "Can I say something first?" She whispers insecurely, not looking at us at all.
"No, you just get to answer the questions Cristian has," Oliver deadpans, staring daggers at her. "We're not here because we like you, because we don't. We're not here to listen to your blabbering, we just want answers."
"Right," Emma squeaks, silencing again right afterwards.
"Emma, is it true you're pregnant?" I drop the first bomb since I can't wait a second longer to find out the story. I just did not expect her to start crying at the que of that question.
"Oh, god..." Oliver groans, sliding down in his chair a bit.
"I am..." Emma sobs, trying to forcefully wipe away the tears that are rolling down her tears. "I am so, so sorry..." She covers her face with one hand – which has no result since her hands are tiny – and places the other on her belly.
I have a weird feeling right now, that is close to feeling really, really jealous.
Finnley slept with Emma.
"Did he sleep with you willingly?" I ask, impressed by my ability to keep a steady voice.
Emma takes in a deep breath, before she shakes her head. "I kind of forced him..." Emma's voice is unstable and she's about to start crying worse any moment now. "Promised to help him come home... or else I would help Jeff to sell him..." Her face is red like a tomato and I stare at her in disgust.
"You're pathetic..." Oliver hisses at her, and I hit him against his upper arm to silence him.
"I know!" Emma cries out in desperation. "I knew I couldn't stop Jeff from selling him and I just wanted to feel loved by Finn one more time..." She now covers her face with both her hands. "I'm disgusting, I'm pathetic... I don't deserve him or anything else then being in here."
I frown and share a quick look with Oliver. I am genuinely surprised because it's the first time I actually believe Emma realises that what she did to Finn was wrong. Before, I don't believe she felt remorse, or even understood how wrong it was.
But she seems to sincerely understand what she did to end up in here.
She also doesn't seem as delusional as before.
"Are you on meds, Emma?" I ask her curiously, causing her to calm down a bit, looking at me through her fingers. She slowly nods.
"What meds? What is it you're taking meds for?"
"...psychosis..." She mutters ashamed. "Why?"
"Because it explains some things..." I'm now too muttering, wondering if Emma simply suffered from a psychosis that made her behave the way she did.
"It's not an excuse, Cris," She whispers, leaning forwards towards me, speaking as if sharing a secret. "I helped Jeff abduct Finn, I forced him to sleep with me... I really, genuinely believed Finn was in love with me and I can't take any of the things back. A psychosis is not an excuse, because I could've had help if I would've listened to my parents."
"At least you understand it's not an excuse," Oliver hatefully tells her, crossing his arms in a defensive manner.
"I understand so much more now that I'm reconnecting with reality thanks to my meds." Emma tells us matter-of-factly. "There's reasons I got a psychosis, though."
"Don't care," I simply tell her. "The part about getting a psychosis, by the way. I do think it's good you're 'reconnecting with reality' and accepting treatment. That, however, does not solve the fact you raped Finnley and you're now carrying his child."
"Are you even being punished for raping him?" Oliver now leans towards her with a cold look in his eyes. "Did you admit it aloud to the coppers too?"
"I did," she bites towards him. "I confessed, I got sentenced for it and I'm sitting out said sentencing like I'm supposed to." She sends him an equally cold look and it actually reminds me of the old Emma. The one I was still friends with years ago. The one that didn't take shit from anyone, but at least was honest and always there to support her friends.
"Okay," I pull Oliver back because his hostile attitude towards Emma isn't helping me getting the answers I need. "What exactly do you know about Jeffrey selling Finn?"
She sucks in her lips and stares at me for a while before she sighs. "I told everything I know to the cops..."
"But they're not sharing information with us since we're not family." Oliver cuts her short. "Spill it out."
She sends him another cold look and I have to fight back a smirk because the old Emma is showing, and the old Emma reminds me of happier times.
And the fact I simply miss those times; hanging out with Emma and Finnley, being in highschool, lunching together every day.
"Jeffrey said he was curious what he could earn when selling him. Said he knew how to find people who pay big bucks. Said he had contacts with people who are into human trafficking. I wanted to stop him, told him it wouldn't work, and we would get caught. I reminded him of the fact he promised not to harm Finn if I helped him to get him. But he already beat up Finn and he already raped him once. I think I already knew he simply used me to inform him of Finn's whereabouts from the beginning, but I was being stubborn, wanting to believe he would take Finn and take us somewhere, where I could get to be with Finn."
"This isn't useful information." Oliver waves his hand. "How did he know the people who bought Finn?"
Emma clears her throat. "I overheard phone calls. Jeff never really explained much to me, but I know he had contact with Sydney, Finn's older brother. I saw his name on Jeff's phone once. They spoke about 'them' and how 'they' would help them to stay under the radar for a while after selling Finn. Sydney was actually the one who told Jeff who to sell Finn too, but then Sydney disappeared with all the money and Jeff went ballistic. He knew he couldn't keep Finn, so he allowed two guys to take him away without getting a dime."
That small fact makes me smirk a bit. Savage.
"That's when he went out to look for Sydney and I decided to go to Cristian to tell him what happened." Emma gestures to me. "They spoke about Portugal and Spain and that's all I really know."
"So, useless..." Oliver rolls his eyes, leaning back in his chair.
"Not entirely. We're now sure Sydney has something to do with Finn's disappearance."
"He was there, Cris." Emma leans forwards. "He's the one who prevented Finn from helping you when Jeff attacked you in the jacuzzi. Without him, I think Finnley would've been able to help you and... well... he's the whole reason Finn got abducted."
"Why do his parents still doubt about that? If the cops have this information?"
"They know, I just don't think they want to believe they allowed the bad guy into their home and somewhat into Finn's life. You do realise his parents did keep track of Finn, huh?"
"I did not know they kept track of him."
"They did know where he lived, they did know he was working in a dinner for a couple of months, they did know he spent an awful amount of time with... Oliver..." she starts listing things they did know about him, sending Oliver another cold glare when she names him. "They did know he tried to commit suicide and they did know he went out a lot." She looks at me with a sad look. "They did know Finn was derailing and troubled and they stood and watched. But they were here a little while ago and I think they're changing."
"And so are you." I cock my head a bit, taking her in curiously. "Did you really hate my guts, like you claimed you did?"
Emma shakes her head before casting her eyes downwards. "I never hated you. I was just immensely jealous when I found out Finn was, is, in love with you."
For the next couple of minutes, we simply stare at each other and I allow my mind to wonder back to the time she was my best friend besides Finnley, and we spent time together every single day. How we always went out together, to parties together. How I did literally everything with her that Finnley did not want to do with me.
I allow myself to morn over the fact I lost her, and I start to realise I do feel guilty a bit for not noticing the fact she got into a psychosis. I never noticed she had mental issues until it was too late, and we already started hating each other. Or, now that she told me she never hated me, I already started hating her too much, up until I point I didn't bother to help her.
Was I too consumed with finding Finnley, my struggle to accept being bisexual and figuring out who to trust and who not to trust to notice her deteriorating state of mind?
Did I fail her as a friend?
More important, if I would have noticed sooner, could I have prevented her from ever contacting Jeffrey, getting Finn into trouble?
All I know right now, is that I have enough stuff to think about after this conversation with Emma.
And I'm not sure if this will be the last time I'm going to visit her.
* * * * *
Oliver drove us back to my parents place to park the car before we walk over to Finnley's parents to retrieve the letters they found in his room to read whatever Emma wrote to Finnley that I did not know yet.
I'm just curious and I want to know every little detail about the contact between Emma and Finnley, and I curse myself because I forgot to ask Emma about it. But maybe it's better to ask her about the letters afterreading them to know if she's telling me the truth.
Which would mean I'm most definitely going to pay her another visit.
I'm consumed by my own thoughts pretty much the whole way, and Oliver is still silent himself too. On the way back, he asked me why I kept cutting him short whenever he was spewing hatred towards Emma – who is the devil's incarnate according to Oliver.
I simply told him I didn't want to piss her off and scare her away before getting all the answers. I kept silent about the fact I was reminded of my friendship with her, and how I noticed little things of the old Emma during the conversation.
Or the fact I'm pretty sure I miss my friendship with her.
I'm not considering becoming friends again. Not after all she did to Finnley.
But I do think it would be good to close this down in a good way and stop holding grudges against her.
And maybe next time I could visit her by myself and have a conversation without Oliver and Emma eying each other with hatred seeping from every pore in their bodies.
And then it dawns me that this might be the exact same reason Finnley might have visited her; to close down old wounds in an attempt to move on.
"Do you think Finn visited Emma to try and get some closure?" I ask aloud, shortly looking towards Oliver, right before we turn right, into the street where Finnley's parents live.
"Might be possible." Oliver sounds a bit grumpy, and I wonder if something is bothering him, which he did not tell me yet.
"Oli, is something wrong? Did I do something wrong?"
"No, you didn't." It's a simple answer, still not making me worry less.
"But there's something bothering you?"
"Kind of..." he admits in a sad whisper.
"You know you can talk to me, right?" I ask, grabbing his wrist to pull him to a stop. We're almost there and I don't want to break this conversation apart because we're in front of the door already.
"Can I? You've been pretty clear with telling me why you went here." Oliver frowns, looking towards his feet, kicking away a stone. "I thought you needed a break..."
"I need my parents." I shrug. "But we're still friends and a friendship, for as far as I know, works two ways. If something bothers me, I talk to you. If something bothers you, I want you to tell me what it is."
I see a small smile and then he looks right at me with some sort of gratitude in his demeanour. "Thanks, Cris... I think I needed to hear those words from you."
"Which words?"
"Us being friends and it's a two-way thing..." He drawls. "Besides Finn, I only had one other true friend, so I'm a bit insecure about our friendship a lot."
"Why? You think I don't want to be friends? Believe me, I didn't like you very much at first. If I didn't want to be friends, you would've known."
He chuckles. "Yeah, I wasn't a nice guy to you, huh?" He chuckles. "But okay, I'll try and open up some more."
"Start by telling me what's bothering you right now."
"It's Maxie's birthday..." He whispers, thick voice, on the edge of crying all of the sudden. "And I miss him so goddamn much..."
And there's the tears I already predicted would fall as soon as he said Maxie's name out loud. "Oh... shit." I mutter, pulling him in a hug.
"I feel so powerless all the freaking time." He cries out, sobbing onto my shoulder. "I still love him, I still want him back in my life. I wish I would've been there, to stop him from killing himself... I wish I would've told him how much I love him more often."
I swallow back tears of my own. I never lost such an important person in my life. But since I might lose Finnley for good, I do understand the feelings, the wish to go back in time to change things. To say certain things out loud more often. To prevent things from happening. "I wish I could do anything for you to change this..." I tell him, sincerely wanting to help him.
"That's the harsh thing..." he mutters, pulling back from our embrace, using his sleeve to wipe away the tears on his cheeks. "Nobody can change what happened, huh? I'll never get to see him again."
I swallow, staring down for a bit, because there's nothing I can say or do to help him get over Maxie. But him telling me this, breaking down in front of me, tells me Oliver keeps up an appearance more then I though. Off course, every so often I get to see parts of his true self. The guy who is behind the thick layer of skin, the heavy sarcasm and the defensive attitude. The joking, the fooling around. But never has he showed me this much of his soul before.
"I just hope you will never understand what it's like to lose the love of your life for good..." He mutters. "Finn's abduction, the fact you miss him more each and every day... the state your in. It reminds me of myself when I just lost Maxie. And then you texted me to tell me you went home out of the blue and I see you crumble down inch by inch every day... It makes me feel even worse because I can't help you as much as I want to."
"Oliver..." I sigh. "I am breaking down more each day. And I worry more and more every second. But please, don't feel guilty, or powerless. You are the biggest support in my life right now and without you, I wouldn't be going on right now. I'd probably still be in bed since the day you pulled me out to take me to school. You are my best friend and even though I have more friends that support me, I appreciate your support most right now."
"Good." He takes in a deep breath. "But maybe you need to tell me that more often, because I really am thatinsecure about us, you know."
I smile and nod. "I'll thank you more often from now on. And you promise me you'll talk to me about the things that are bothering you too."
"Yeah, I will. I promise."