Near to You
18
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I’m staring at the mess I made. As you turn you take your heart away.
The Mess I Made - Parachute
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Before I could respond, Jules rushed up to me, grabbing me by my arm.
“Get ready,” she muttered in my ear before releasing me onto the carpet. “It’s about to explode.”
What she didn’t know was that my world had already exploded. I glanced back over my shoulder. He was shocked, but mostly confused. He didn’t know what was going on and he was desperately looking to me for the answer.
He was about to get it.
As soon as my foot touched the carpet people began to scream, and my eyes were blinded by what seemed like a million flashes. I should have brought sunglasses. I grimaced, certain that these photographs would turn out horribly.
“Who are you?”
“Aren’t you that girl from the photograph?”
“What is your relationship with Zayn Malik?”
Questions were shot from every direction and I was terrified. What was I supposed to say? Who was I supposed to answer? I looked to Jules for support and she merely gestured for me to turn around. I took a deep breath before facing the cameras once more.
I tried to keep my face as open and as pleasant as possible so they would get at least one good photograph out of the entire experience, however impossible it might be. By this time the woman who had been conducting the interview with Zayn a few minutes before had been clued in as to who I was and waited for me a few feet away, Zayn still standing near enough to hear our conversation.
“What a big entrance,” she remarked, the smile she had never leaving her face.
“I know,” I replied bashfully. “I wasn’t expecting it to be so bright, or so loud.”
“So tell those watching who you are for me,” she suggested. “They are probably very confused about all the fuss.”
“My name is Michelle Lewis,” My hands began to shake. “But a lot of people know me by my penname M. K. Lewis.”
It took a few moments, but after the news spread, the journalists on the outskirts of the carpet began to shout different questions.
“Why was this so secretive?”
“Are there any more books in the process of being published?”
“How can we be certain you’re the real MK?”
The final one shocked me. Somehow I had always expected that they would just accept the information with open arms, not try to discredit me.
“But you may be familiar to a few others,” she said after a few cursory questions about new books and my anticipation to see the film. “You were recently linked to one of the five members of the hottest boy band at the moment.”
“Um.”
My eyes widened. I knew Zayn had been standing behind me the entire time, and it had taken what little decorum I had not to turn around and face him, to explain to him why all of this was happening. I should have told him before today, but I thought that at least that I would have a little more time.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I finally responded weakly. “It was mucked up a bit and taken out of context. Zayn and I are friends, and only that.”
Or were friends, I corrected silently. I couldn’t possibly fathom where we stood at that moment. We had already been in some sort of limbo before I returned, but in a good place. Now I didn’t know what to think. The interviewer’s eyes narrowed and she looked as if she were about to pry further, but Jules cleared her throat and the woman knew to move on.
I answered a few more cursory questions, and was as polite as I could be, before moving toward the entrance hall.
“You did swimmingly.” Jules smiled on and I gave her a soft grin in response. “Go, enjoy your night. We’ll talk in the morning.”
I nodded, about to look for Savannah who had disappeared in all the commotion before changing my mind and instead looking for familiar dark hair. I found him easily in the crowd, standing huddled with the other boys who all seemed to be talking at once.
They glanced my way as I climbed up the stairs toward them. I should have told Zayn, I realized as I saw him clench and unclench his fists. There wasn’t much of a reason not to, of all people he would have understood my fears the most, so why hadn’t I?
Didn’t I trust him enough?
Harry toppled down the stairs two at a time, stepping in front of me and blocking my path.
“Is it true?”
“Yes.”
Harry shook his head in disbelief. I had disappointed more people than I had ever anticipated. This was a catastrophe and I felt as if I would never get control of it. I stepped around him, trying to head up a bit more.
“What are you trying to do?” Harry interrupted me before I could get too close to the group. Louis and Niall went further inside toward the concession area, leaving the other two. Liam and Zayn were so close, if only Harry would get out of my way and let me speak with him.
“I want to see him.”
“You used him,” Harry accused. His tone was cold and unforgiving. “You used him to promote this entire thing.”
“I didn’t do that, though!” I exclaimed loudly, causing a few others to look on at us in surprise. I quietened my tone as much as I could, but the frustration I was feeling was still evident. “I didn’t even know you all were invited.”
“Like I’d believe that. I don’t have any reason to.” Harry rolled his eyes. “You led us all on. A normal girl, that’s what he thought you were. We were so happy he’d finally found someone who wasn’t concerned about his name or image.”
“But I didn’t care about any of that.” My shoulders slumped in defeat. It was as if I were talking to a brick wall. Nothing would get through to him. I couldn’t blame him, however. It was all my fault. “I still don’t. It was never about that with him.”
“Listen Lewis, you should just—”
“Harry.” Liam stepped up toward us. “Don’t get in the middle of this.”
“She used him, Liam. Are you saying we should just—”
“We don’t know anything right now,” Liam assuaged. “No need to point fingers. Go back to Zayn, alright?”
Harry hesitated before doing as his friend asked. Liam turned to me, a small frown on his face.
“I don’t think he wants to speak with you right now, Michelle.” Liam looked on apologetically as I tried to catch a glimpse of his friend over his shoulder.
“I need to explain things to him,” I pleaded. “Just…can you ask him? If he’d just listen to me for a moment...that’s all I’m really asking for.”
He appeared uncertain but finally consented. He shuffled back over to the two boys, Liam shaking his head adamantly while he explained what I said. I admired him for placing a little trust in me, but that appreciation did not stop the tears from building behind my eyes, nor the desperation growing in my chest. I felt helpless. Everything was spinning out of control. Wasn’t I supposed to be enjoying myself right now?
“You think the best of people too much.” I heard Zayn snap before going inside. Harry shrugged before following him into the darkened theatre room where the movie would be shown.
When Liam stumbled back over I knew better than to get my hopes up but I couldn’t help it. Maybe Zayn realized that everything about this whole situation wasn’t black and white, that there were so many shades between that he needed the explanation as much as I wanted to share it.
“He’s broken up about it.” Liam sighed. “Listen, he’s just upset right now. Give him a few days. He’ll bounce back eventually and you can try again.”
“Alright.”
I watched him disappear as well. I felt at that moment as if I were truly alone, even though I was surrounded by a crowd of people all here to see something that I created. This was the moment I had been preparing for my entire life. It was the penultimate achievement, and I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy it.
“Are you OK, Mitchie?” June had somehow spotted me through all these people. I placed a fake smile on my face and turned to face her.
“Brilliant!” I lied. “Let’s go find the others.”
Before she could inquire further I led her back where she came, my heart heavy in my chest. I just needed to get through this night. Afterward, I would try to fix this mess I created.
I could only hope I hadn’t destroyed everything so easily.