Chapter Twenty-Seven – Jasper
Harper regained longer bursts of consciousness as the night went on. He was exhausted, but happy to talk quietly for a bit. It took him a few minutes to realise that Ross had absolutely bolted. "Where's he gone?" he asked, frowning.
I shrugged a little. "He said he was going to check in with his dad, Raven said he'd had another heart attack." Seeing Harper's eyes widened, I hastily added, "He's okay, though. But apparently Ross just walked straight out of the hospital and vanished. He's not answering his phone."
"What a wanker," Harper muttered, closing his eyes. "Is he fully incapable of emotion, or do you think he does it to wind us up?"
I smiled. "I think he's just confused, and overwhelmed. You mean a lot to him, I think he's panicked."
Harper sighed. "You're very patient with him."
"Oh I'm furious with him," I chuckled. "When I find him, he is absolutely going to get the shit kicked out of him for ditching me without a word. He just freaks when someone he loves is hurt."
Harper's eyes opened, and he asked me, "Do you love him?"
"What?" I was surprised by the question. "Um, I - well, I care a lot about him, especially right now, but I - you know, it's not like that, he's not really into the whole - it's complicated."
"Sounds like a yes," he replied, and then made a noise of exasperation. "Idiot."
"I'm not an idiot," I protested.
Harper shook his head. "I meant Ross, Ross is an idiot. You're smart, you're caring, you're beautiful, and you love him despite him pushing you away. He's an idiot for letting someone as lovely as you slip through his fingers."
I blushed a little. "Thank you. I think he was embarrassed because he cried in front of me. It's the sort of thing I imagine he doesn't want other people to see. I'm sad though, that he felt the need to run away."
"Well, you know why," Harper sighed. "He thinks you're going to run away from him now he's lost his stupid 'nothing can touch me, I'm invincible, I'm mysterious and cool' attitude. He's trying to beat you to the punch."
I blinked. "You really think that's it?"
Harper smiled a little. "I've known him a long time. Ross' biggest fear is that he'll bring down all the walls, open up the slightest little bit, and people will run for the hills. You've got to make sure he knows you're not running from him, no matter if he tries running from you. Let him know he's not going to lose you just because he's got flaws."
"He's always had flaws," I replied.
Harper laughed. "Yeah, tell him that, too. It'd help."
I watched as he turned on his side to look at me. "Sure you're alright for now?"
"Yeah," he nodded, and his smile vanished. "I'm sorry I worried you all, it must have been scary to see. And... well, pneumonia isn't a great thing for someone like me to go through, my immune system is very weakened from the HIV. But we'll see how the IVs go and hopefully, I'll recover quickly."
He didn't sound convinced. He looked like he was resigned to his fate. I told him forcefully, "You're going to rest up, and do everything the doctors tell you to do, and we are going to get you better."
Harper smiled, and then said, "I think I need to sleep for a bit now, Jasper. You go sort out that dickhead and talk some sense into him, okay?"
It wasn't long before he fell asleep. I had no idea where to find Ross, or what to say to him when I did find him, but I knew I had to try.
****
Raven pursed her lips. "So he ran away, like a little bitch, and you're trying to figure out where he is?" I nodded, and then she took out her phone. "Give me one second, baby. I got you covered."
I watched her dial a number, and then spoke clearly into the phone. "Louise? Hi. It's Raven. Now, I know he probably told you where he is. I know he probably told you that you can't tell anyone if they call. I know he probably said to just hang up on me. But I swear to Lucifer, I will come to that office with an airhorn and I will use that airhorn until you give up his location."
There was a pause, and then Raven said, "Much appreciated."
Hanging up, she smiled sweetly at me and said, "He's at the office. Do you want me to come with you?"
"No," I replied, and then added, "Thanks, Raven. I don't know why I didn't think to call Louise."
"I know him well," she replied heavily, and then added, "Jasper, Ross is a good guy. He is. But growing up in our house was difficult, and being kicked out of it was even more difficult. He's got trust issues. Just... bear it in mind, okay?"
I nodded. "I will."
It didn't take too long to get a taxi to pick me up from Café Latte and take me to Ross' office. I hadn't been there before, so I had to awkwardly ask directions from the receptionist. She pointed the way, and I navigated the maze of corridors, eventually spying Louise behind a desk looking agitated.
"Hey," I said, and watched her face turn to resignation. "He's in there, right?"
"Just..." she faltered. "Be careful, he's set to explode any second. Try and get him to go home?"
I nodded, and warily opened the door to his office, walking in and shutting it behind me. Ross was sat at his desk, and he said, "Louise, I said I wanted to be - oh."
"I believe you told me you'd be right back," I said, the accusation slipping out before I could stop it. Ross looked terrible. He was exhausted, clearly hadn't slept or eaten anything since he'd left the hospital the previous night. "Sorry," I sighed. "I was worried about you. You should have replied to my messages."
Ross leaned over to the intercom and pressed the button, saying to Louise, "Cancel my meeting with Diana. And also, we need to revisit the definition of the phrase 'don't let anyone in'."
"Please, it's Jasper, he's basically your husband," came the reply, and Ross immediately turned it off, looking irritated.
"Thanks," I said, and asked, "Did you leave because I did something? I tried to reassure you that it's okay to be emotional but you just bolted from me."
"Jasper," Ross sighed, as if he was too tired to deal with the conversation. "I've had a really long couple of days-"
"Harper's awake," I interrupted him. "He was asking for you. He called you a wanker, so I think he's at least feeling a bit better."
Ross quietly asked, "Is the medication working?"
"We don't know yet, it hasn't been enough time," I replied, realising with horror that I sounded hurt as I said, "All of us have been taking shifts to see him, waiting on the news, we can't all just run away from our problems."
"Jasper," his voice cracked a bit. "I needed a quick break, so I went to Harper's place to get some of his things together. I found a key to a storage locker on the outskirts of town, that Harper said he wanted me to see if he died. I was curious, so I went to it and opened it."
I frowned. "What was in it?"
"Gifts," Ross said, looking defeated. "Presents, for all of us, for the next few decades. He's been putting them aside for years, planning for what he seems to assume is a guaranteed early death."
I didn't know what to say. I imagined Harper going to a storage locker, filling it with presents, for everyone he knew and loved. I felt honoured to be included in that, having only known him a few months. It was heart-breaking, and awe-inspiring, to think he had prepared for something so tragic in such a beautiful way.
Then I pictured Ross finding it, seeing what was inside, and I understood.
"Okay," I replied, and sat down on the chair in front of his desk. "I get it. It's okay."
He put his head in his hands and said, "I can't lose Harper. He's everything to me. He's the family I had to depend on, no matter what my other family did. He's my oldest friend. My truest friend. I can't lose him, Jasper. I love him."
"You should tell him that," I smiled a little. "People like to be told they're loved."
Ross looked at me wearily, and asked, "You ever get tired of being so much more emotionally mature than me? I'm sorry you've had to sort this out, getting me to face my issues - I didn't want to put any of this on you."
I shrugged. "What if I want you to put these things on me? What if I like being someone who's there for you? Raven, Ed, Tom, Jenny, Lucie, Harper - you really think we don't like being the people that love you?"
"I'm not worth the effort," Ross averted his eyes.
"Well, we think you are," I replied, and then took his hand and said. "But you have to stop running from me, because I am not running from you. I want to be there for you. I want to support you. But you have to let me."
Ross didn't have anything to say, so he just kissed my hand. "Now get your things," I said, closing his laptop firmly. "I'm driving you home, and then you're going to get some rest, and then I'll take you to see Harper."
"Why are you trying so hard, Jasper?" he asked sadly. "I'm a wreck."
"I don't care how much of a wreck you think you are," I said, and threw his coat at him from the coat-stand. "Because I love you."
****
I reassured the others that I had sorted Ross out, and informed them about the storage locker. They wanted to see it, but I had the key and I didn't think they would benefit from seeing the thing. I told them to take it up with Harper, because after all, Ross had ignored Harper's wishes in going to see it at all.
The note Ross had found reminded me of the letter Harry Richmond had given me, so once I was satisfied that Ross was asleep, I took it out of my bag and opened it.
Jasper,
I feel kinda weird writing this. It's awkward writing a letter when you don't even know if it's going to get delivered. We're doing this as a therapeutic exercise to apologise to someone you've hurt. I don't know, it feels like I've got a lot of these to write.
Tom was right. I've told him that. He was right that if I don't get used to the gay thing, I'm going to straight up suck at uni, and continue... I think he said 'my life's journey of peaking in school'. I guess that's part of my problem at the moment, I am kind of peaking in school. I'm stressed. I feel like shit. I feel pretty stupid and worthless. So I guess I saw you, and thought 'there's someone I can make feel worse than me'.
I was a dick. I hurt you. I hate myself a bit for that. And, if you want to press charges, I won't deny I did it, I deserve consequences for that.
Tom's told me that I should look in my mind and figure out why gay people make me so uncomfortable. I guess it's cause they've figured out who they are. They're all confident and brave, and I'm... just a nobody. I'm not dealing with half the shit they are and I'm still a coward somehow.
Look, this letter sucks ass, I've definitely not got a career as a writer or anything. But I'm sorry. I am. I took out my shit on you, and it was immature and came from being jealous. I'm going to change. I won't bother you again. I promise.
Harry
I reread it. It was more honest than I had thought it would be. I took out my phone and messaged Tom.
Harry gave me a letter, he said he'd talked to you, too. Tell him I only just read it, cause of everything going on? I won't press charges. And I'm glad he's working his shit out in therapy. Tell him thanks, for writing it. x
A few moments later, a text from Tom came back.
I told him yesterday that you wouldn't have read it yet dw :) he's relieved to hear you're okay with it all. We're going to go for coffee and talk through the last year. I think he wants to make up for it. x
I smiled. If Harry wanted to make it up to Tom, I was happy. Tom had suffered in ways I hadn't, been ostracised and ignored for an entire year, only to be beaten up when he finally found people who would spend time with him. I hoped uni would be better to him. I didn't want Tom to ever feel alone again.
Ross doing okay? x
I smiled as he sent another message, enquiring about Ross.
Yeah, he's asleep right now. Also don't freak out but I told him I love him x
Three texts came through in quick succession.
Wat
How
What did he say???
I laughed a bit.
He said 'thank you'. Which honestly, was more than I expected, it just kinda slipped out and I fully expected him to just like dive bomb out the window to escape me lmao
Tom replied
The fact he didn't do that shows the growth he's made ;) srsly tho well done, can't be easy to admit something like that and I'm happy you love him, he needs some love
He wasn't wrong. I had initially been surprised that Ross hadn't just flipped on me and run away again, but now I figured that in this sort of situation, Ross was more open to feeling loved. He needed the comfort, and I sure as hell wasn't going to abandon him. I was happy that I told him I loved him. I didn't know to what extent that love went, whether it was something I wanted to become a relationship, but I knew it was love, and I knew it filled me with a calm happiness.
I loved Ross Stone.
****
Author's Note:
In the OG book, I made Harry gay - this isn't gonna be the case for this time around. A harmful stereotype is that every homophobe is secretly gay - when most often, they're not, they're just dicks. Tom deserved better anyway ;) <3