A/N:
Hi! Can you believe I'm alive? Here it is three years later — another chapter! If you haven't already seen me say elsewhere, I randomly decided to dive back into Wattpad for a bit. It's been so fun.
I literally had to slowly reread and edit each chapter of this book to try to figure out what was going on, where I left them, and where I was going. I still don't totally know where it's going and I still can't promise a complete book perfectly tied up with a pretty bow like Foreign Affair. But here's this chapter, I've got another started, and maybe I'll feel inspired to write a couple more.
It's so hard that the band is not together any more! I used to get so much inspiration from what was actually going on with them. It's harder than ever to write about them all hanging out because I haven't seen new content of them interacting with each other in years. :( So that's part of why I don't have confidence this one can ever be as complete as my first.
Okay I didn't plan to say so much! Basically I just wanted to say I recommend backtracking a few chapters before reading this! Not that it's super hard to catch on but I think you would enjoy it more if you did. Hell, reread the whole thing first if you want. It's not that long. :)
Let me know what you think.
Emma
...
Kate Marshall
Niall held me, his hands on my back, and kissed me. I feel incredibly content.
I can't believe where we are right now in this moment. From me hating him, to him being hot and cold with me, to us deciding to be friends with benefits, to me hating myself for ever doing that...
I need to make up my damn mind.
But right now I don't want to worry about that. I don't want to do the whole talk about "what we are" thing or stress about if he's actually ready for this. I just want to let myself be consumed by the feeling of his soft lips on mine.
We started towards the bed, unsure of who was leading whom.
But we didn't make it there before a voice moving down the hallway called, "Ten minutes, everyone. Have your bags ready and we're loading up!" It was one of our tour managers. It sounded like Will's voice.
"Damn it. Not again," I said.
"Wow, you must really want me," Niall said with a grin.
"I've made that embarrassingly clear," I said, laughing. But seriously though. It's a whole new kind of hurt to practically throw your almost naked self at someone and have them not go for it.
Although his reasoning was pretty sweet. He didn't want to make the same mistakes as before.
"Well you pack and I'll go back to my room just so that..." I trailed off but Niall nodded in agreement.
I don't know exactly why, but it feels like there's this unspoken agreement to not let on to anyone else that we're...what exactly?
Well I guess that's why no one needs to be clued in. Because we don't even know ourselves.
"See you on the bus," I said.
Niall gave me a quick kiss and I slipped out the door.
My bags were already packed so I just went and plopped down on my bed, thinking about this whirlwind of a weekend.
Wow. He's been acting sweeter than ever before. And he's incredibly sexy. He had me melting last night. How is he so skilled at that? Well I guess I know how. Probably best not to think about it.
I also still can't believe he actively avoided having sex with me. I guess I appreciate the way he was trying to make sure it wouldn't cause me to feel hurt.
But also, how must I have looked to him? Incredibly horny and desperate, probably. I mean, how embarrassing!
Even though we've slept together before, now it feels like there's so much more pressure. I had no clue he was thinking it through so much last night, I sure wasn't. So if we'd had sex I wouldn't have been overthinking a thing. But now that I've gotten a glimpse of where Niall's head is, I'm nervous to take it further or make a wrong move.
...
Niall Horan
Oh god, last night. So hot. Kate is just crazy beautiful and so sexy. I could barely keep myself from going further. I'll just say I had to take care of things myself later.
But I couldn't risk ruining us again! I just couldn't do it. It really hurt me to see how hurt she was after we tried and failed to do the casual thing. She wanted nothing to do with me. I can't have that again.
But then I upset her in a new way! Why am I like this? I just didn't want to risk doing something she wasn't ready for and she wasn't exactly using her words last night...
I don't know what I would've said though. I don't even know what I want but I definitely know that I became significantly less happy when Kate and I stopped hanging out. And I don't mean because of the sex. I missed talking and laughing and drinking beer while watching football. Yeah, I can do those things with any friend. But it was special to be back with an old friend after all these years.
None of that changes the fact that I don't know how to have a relationship. I screw them up every time.
I don't even know if that's what Kate wants! Maybe she just wants a friend back too. Although friends don't usually do what I did with her last night. We really need to just talk it out with each other.
It wasn't long before we all were climbing onto the tour bus, ready to head to our next location.
The guys headed for the back of the bus to hangout so I followed. I turned around, expecting to see Kate right behind me, but she wasn't. That's weird. If she doesn't join us in a bit I'll find her and ask her to. I wonder if she doesn't feel comfortable around everyone yet.
I got to the back with the couches. Louis was standing at the fridge. "Beer?"
"Sure."
He passed out the beers and joined us. It's nice to kick back a bit on the off days. Most days we're so focused on staying hydrated and training and everything. But now we have a few days before the next show so we can chill out a little.
"Nice weekend, Niall?" Harry asked.
"Huh?" Do they know somehow? Nerves just came over me. Maybe someone saw Kate and I going into each other's rooms?
"With the Marshalls. You said they're family friends?" Oh, that.
"Oh yeah! Right. They are. They're mostly friends with my parents but you know. Had to be a good host so they don't go tell my parents I'm an ass," I joked.
"Mm." Harry nodded but looked mildly suspicious. I'm probably just being paranoid. The others didn't look like they had noticed a thing.
That's what I told them before Kate's parents arrived. Just that I needed to show them a good time because they're family friends. I didn't want to tell them we were faking that we were dating because then I would have to explain why and they would question how I got myself into that situation and why I would be going over to Kate's and the real reason is that we were fucking at the time and Kate never wanted anyone to know about that so basically honesty was not the best policy here.
I really wanted Kate to join us but now that I feel like they might be onto me I don't want to do anything to confirm any suspicions that might exist.
"Where to next, again?" Liam asked.
"Amsterdam," I replied.
"What's that, like ten hours? Couldn't have sprung for a flight, huh?" Louis asked sarcastically.
"I like the bus," I said. It's more comfortable travel. Getting somewhere quicker doesn't make the show come any quicker. The time spent waiting for the show is just spent in a hotel bed instead of a bus bunk.
Kate walked in. "How do you guys like to pass the time on this thing?" She asked. I heard the engine start. She must have been the last one on.
"You're looking at it," Louis joked, tipping his beer back.
"Don't mind if I do." She went for the fridge then joined us, sitting between Liam and me.
"How was having your parents here?" Liam asked her. "They've got to be crazy proud of you."
I tried not to react too much but way to step in it, Liam. When Kate didn't immediately answer I said, "Touchy subject, Liam."
He looked apologetic and started to say something but Kate jumped in. "No, it's okay! I think they're proud. But it's been a long road. I just wasn't sure if I was going to say anything about that," she said while looking at me.
"Sorry," I said. Oops.
"Niall, you seem pretty familiar with the Marshall family dynamic," Harry noted.
"Just small town family friends. You know how it goes." I tried to sound nonchalant.
"Uh huh."
Our tour managers, Al, Gina, and Will came back to where we were but continued their hushed discussion among themselves for the time being.
Liam tried to change the topic again. "So first two shows under your belt. How are you feeling?" Wow he's really being Mr. Sociable with her.
"Better than before! It was such a relief to get that first one done and by the end it was genuinely fun."
"Remember that feeling," he said back with a smile. "Because I think it won't be long before it's second nature for you. You're a natural. You won't even remember what the nerves felt like."
Kate really blushed at his compliment. Is she joking? I mean his words are true. She's going places. But come on, he's totally saying them to flirt. I fought the urge to scoff.
I saw Gina's eyes dart suspiciously between Liam and Kate but then Will started with his announcements.
"So guys. And lady," he added. "Sorry. Habit. We're going to roll into Amsterdam late tonight. No going out tonight. I want you well rested for tomorrow. I know the next show isn't for a couple days but we have a long rehearsal tomorrow. There's a lot we could polish up. Kate, I think Gina plans to rehearse with you and give you notes on your first two shows. Everyone clear?"
"Got it."
"Okay."
"Yep," we all agreed.
"Great," Will said. "We're shoving off in two minutes." They left for their bus.
Louis gave a big fat eye roll once they were gone. "Can't stop us from drinking all day now, can they?" He got up to go to the fridge again. "Who's ready for another? Guys? Kate? Niall, I know you are."
He passed out more drinks. Kate took hers but then said, "I'm serious, what do you do all day on this bus? It can't just be this."
"Xbox," Louis said with a shrug. "Just hang out."
"Sometimes we write a little," Liam added.
"Cool," Kate said.
Well two hours later we were in exactly the same cushioned spots in the back of the bus as before, except we were all quite a bit more drunk. Normally we all would have scattered by now to chill on our own, in our bunks or elsewhere. But something about Kate being here has the guys wound up. I'm a little jealous. But I'm trying to remind myself there's no need to think like that. It was sure me she wanted last night.
I'm having fun with everyone, but I'm itching to get her alone. At the very least I want to talk to her. Things are shifting between us but we haven't had a chance to put it into words. But if she doesn't want to talk, I can't say I'll complain.
Actually, no. I can't think like that! It's why I wasn't going to have sex with her last night or let her go down on me this morning. It all started to crash and burn with the hooking up. She no longer saw me as a friend. Literally, having sex with me made her feel more lonely. That's not exactly what she said but it's basically what she meant. Sure, that will make a man feel good.
So even though she was saying she wanted me, I just kept thinking, what if the same thing plays out again? Clearly I can't give her what she wants in that area. Not without upsetting her.
I was lost in my head thinking about how badly I wanted her but how badly I wanted to stay her friend. I had practically forgotten where I was.
Finally Louis pulled me out of it by literally snapping his fingers in my face. "Niall! What's your deal? You pop a gummy and not share with us?"
"Oh, sorry. Just tired," I said.
"I'd take a gummy though," Harry added.
Kate's eyes went wide. Usually she's very even and her face is hard to read, but she's had so much to drink that her face is showing every thought in her head. "So that's how you pass the time? Drugs?" You would have thought she was talking about heroin.
"Just an edible here and there," Louis said, his voice getting higher pitched as he jokingly acted defensive. He's not truly defensive at all. He has no embarrassment.
"I've got you guys," Harry said as he got up. "How many? One, two, three," he counted. "Niall? Kate?"
"No," I replied. I'm not against it. But it just makes me tired and that's all.
"No," Kate said as well. But less confidently than me.
"The Catholic kids from Mullingar," Louis ridiculed. "Our two little angels."
"Fuck off," I said. "You know it just puts me to sleep."
"Kate, come on. You never done it?" Louis asked.
"Never."
Harry was back and passing around the pink sugar coated gummies. He placed one in Kate's hand.
"You'll be fine. Just giggly. It's less intense than being drunk," Louis said.
"Only if you want to," Liam added. Harry nodded in agreement.
She looked to me with wide eyes, silently asking my opinion.
"Oh what is he, your daddy?" Louis asked with his good natured sass.
Kate coughed, sounding caught off guard by his comment, and I spoke over her to distract from the blushing. "I won't judge you," I quickly told her. "I bet it would just make you find everything extra funny."
She debated a few seconds more before popping it in her mouth and chewing.
"My god, not all at once!" Harry said.
"What?" Kate panicked, reaching for her mouth even though the gummy was already down.
"Kidding." He grinned. "They're not very strong. I swear, a kid could handle it."
"Maybe wait a while to have kids," she joked. Liam laughed super hard at that.
Kate Marshall
"So what other firsts can we accomplish?" Louis asked.
"I'm at my limit," I said. "How soon will I feel this thing?"
"Might be twenty minutes," Louis replied.
"Hey, what kind of polishing up do you think they're wanting to do in rehearsal?" Liam asked. "I thought the shows were great."
"Probably minor things," Harry said.
"I was late to swap out my guitar for one song," Niall admitted.
"Oh, Niall." Louis dropped his head in his hands. "You've really done it now." He was being hilariously sarcastic and Niall leaned across to give him a good shove.
They continued rehashing the shows, joking around, trading jabs about which imperceptible screw ups may have cost them an afternoon.
"I bet it was your joke that fell flat, Liam," Harry said.
"Oh right, that's rich coming from you."
They joke with the best of them. I've yet to see any true animosity. Everything was genuinely so hilarious, and the guys were laughing hard too, so I think it's safe to say the edibles had sunk in. Niall was still having a great time without.
Liam jumped in. "Personally I want to know what it was like growing up with Niall."
"Yes!" Louis jumped it. "Tell us about the little cherub, Kate. Leave nothing out."
"Okay fuck off," Niall said with a laugh.
"I don't know..." I stumbled, not sure what they wanted.
"Like embarrassing secondary school stories," Liam said.
"Oh. Well..." I still didn't know what to say. We weren't friends any more come secondary school. I looked at Niall, not sure what to tell them and he looked clueless too, raising his eyebrows at me.
"They fucked. They definitely fucked," Louis said, snapping his fingers like it clicked. Now my heart is racing. We were being so secretive! "I'm guessing awkward first time?" Louis asked. Oh. He means in school, not recently.
"Shut up," I said, trying not to look guilty.
Niall tried to brush him off too. "We were friends as little kids, ya perv. Went to church together."
"Not even a little over the pants action?"
"Louis, I'm actually going to punch you if you don't stop talking!" Niall's laugh roared however.
This whole conversation was suddenly cracking me up. Must be the weed. Liam and Harry joined in too.
"It is really curious though how Kate is avoiding the questions," Harry said.
"No, it's just that... Well Niall and I weren't exactly friends in secondary school. I just don't have any stories."
"She's just being nice trying to cover for me," Niall said. "I wasn't a good friend to her as we got older."
"Don't say that," I said quietly. "You know we're past that."
Niall's eyes met mine and we shared a look for a few seconds. His eyes looked both apologetic and grateful. Suddenly I didn't want to be with the group any longer. But this bus ride has a few hours left.
"Well scratch that question I guess," Liam said awkwardly.
"No I would ask the same thing in your shoes," Niall said. "It's okay, Katie. You don't have to be so nice to me. Tell them something embarrassing. Do your worst," he joked.
I was still coming up blank. I can think of silly things as kids but nothing I think will be all that entertaining.
"Okay, I'll say something," Niall jumped in. "Not an awkward first time, but Kate was my first kiss."
They actually all reacted like they found that super sweet but then I said, "I should hope! You were seven-years-old."
"Well I didn't say first real kiss," Niall said. "But still counts for something."
"It does," I agreed with a smile.
"That's young," Louis said. "First to kiss someone, yet last to lose it."
"Okay I'm really going to whale on you," Niall said, getting up and literally tackling Louis where he had been sitting upright.
Harry and Liam laughed casually like this was so normal. It's like they're brothers.
"We gave Niall a hard time," Liam explained to me. "Stayed a virgin the longest of any of us."
"But once he started, he barely came up for air for years," Harry said, cracking himself up.
"You guys are only giving me shit because Kate's here." Niall said. He was laughing though. He takes jokes at his expense really well. "Take everything with a grain of salt," he told me.
Last to lose it? Last to lose his virginity? Hardly. I know for a fact that he was sleeping with the girl he dated in secondary school. Well I guess I can't know for a fact but the whole school knew. It was part of what made me feel like his popular friend group had changed him so much. Because it seemed so unlike the sweet, young, timid, shy, dorky Niall I knew to have sex with a girl he had barely been dating. Why did he let these guys ridicule him for something that wasn't true? Interesting.
I didn't say a word though. Niall sat back down where he'd been and looked at me. I can't tell if his cheeks are red from embarrassment or from wrestling with Louis.
Either way, he looks good. I want to get to Amsterdam already.