Jan,
You’re an idiot if I ever heard one.
Everyone is going to die, and that makes everything you do all the more important, because we only have this fleeting thought of a lifetime to make any sort of lasting impression on the world.
And here you are, wasting your precious moments, settling down, making do.
Believe it or not, you are the cause of your own misery, not Mr Hackleton, or indeed, anyone else. Nobody else is going to push you out of your comfort zone; why would they? It’s where you’re best positioned for them to take advantage of you.
I’m not going to answer these questions for you. I urge you to do whatever you can to find those answers for yourself.
Roses have thorns, but so do you, my dear. And you are, in my experience, rather lovely.
Yours truly,
Pete