EINDREID
Inhale, exhale.
I can do this!
Ti-nap ni Angie 'yong balikat ko kanina and bid me goodluck. Ngumiti ako habang nakatingin lang sa akin si Sir Lucho at hawak 'yong index card ng grupo namin. Sinenyasan ko naman 'yong mga ka-grupo namin na taasan nang konti 'yong gawa naming 3d Model ng Water Cycle. I cleared my throat.
"Good morning Sir Lucho, good morning classmates," I said, roaming my eyes around the room.
"This is our improvised 3d Model for Oral Communication. As you can see, this model resembles the Water Cycle we already discussed on our previous years in our science subject." Tinuro ko silang lahat. "And, I bet you all know how it does its job."
Humarap na ulit ako sa model at pinaliwanag na ang mga parts nito. "The sender is the ground water, the encoding is the evaporation, the message is the condensation, the precipitation serves as the decoding process and the surface run off is the receiver. The possible barrier for this operation is the movement of the wind and then, the feedback is the continuous loop of this cycle, just like how oral communication works. That's all, thank you."
Sir Lucho nods his head as he gestures the next group to present their work. Bumalik na ako sa grupo namin at nakangiti sa akin sina Angel. She gives me a thumbs up.
"Nice, Santillan."
Ngumiti lang ako and mouthed, "Thank you."
Habang nagpe-perform 'yong ibang grupo, sumisimple naman ako ng sulyap kay Chord. Nakadekwatro siya na naman at nakapalumbaba. She's staring blankly at the people in the front but I think her thoughts are flying into thin air. Binalik ko ang tingin ko sa harap pero hindi ko maiwasang mabahala sa inaakto ni Chord.
I mean, she is really moody. Baka mamaya tumatawa na naman siya or inis na and that makes me worry more. Napakabilis niyang magbago ng mood at hindi pa inaasahan 'yong mga transitions ng mga 'yon.
Minsan nga napapaisip ako kung may sakit na ba siya. Bipolar Disorder. Don't get me wrong. This is not like those instances na tinatawag na bipolar ang isang tao dahil sa simpleng mood swings lang. I can feel something different towards Chord. Thinking that she have this disorder, may suicidal tendencies siya panigurado. That explains why she's very active at some times, tapos merong mga oras na sobrang tamlay niya at ayaw makipag-usap.
You see, sometimes we need to embrace our emotions, feel them, and understand them, so they don't get bottled up within ourselves. Emotions are there to visit us for a while, but they must leave after we have learned something from them.
Then you may ask, what happens if that person shove their emotions and wear their facade all the time?
It's just a matter of waiting game before they collapse and breakdown, and I don't want that to happen to Chord.
Nang oras na para mag-present 'yong grupo nina Chord, I am not surprised na siya 'yong magpe-present. She always does that, naturally.
Tumikhim siya at tipid na ngumiti. Tinignan ko 'yong 3d model nila at isa itong mini ATM Box na gawa sa karton. Pero halatang pinag-effortan kasi sa simpleng design nito na hango lang sa construction papers at onting metal foils.
(A/N: Sorry, wala akong picture ng model HAHA. Concept Map nalang).
"Good morning everyone," pagbati niya gamit ang gasgas na linya. Ang lamya ng tinig niya.
"Our 3D Model for Oral Communication is an ATM Machine. Using this as the message," she said as she holds a card in her hand then pushes it into the horizontal hole of their model. I heard some sounds before the card goes out of the machine along with some rectangle-cut papers. I think they play the role of being money?
"See? It's fast, plain and simple but it explains the entire Oral Communication. The previous groups elaborated the elements of the said subject so I think, you can already figure out what parts of our model signifies the elements of communication." she said and smiles. Tumingin naman ako kay Sir Lucho na nasa likod at tumatango-tango rin ito habang nagsusulat sa index card. Akmang aalis na si Chord nang biglang magsalita si Sir.
"Why an ATM Machine?" tanong ni Sir Lucho. Tinignan naman siya sandali ni Chord na parang hinuhulaan kung ano bang naisip ng guro namin at tinanong pa 'yon. Considering na maraming nag-present kanina at hindi manlang niya tinanong. Chord's group is the last to present. Ito ba ay isang special treatment for the last to perform? If it is, I don't want it. Too much for being special.
"Hmm. Because that's what we thought of." kaswal na sagot ni Chord. Tila bumagal ang takbo ng oras nang biglang maglakad papalapit si Sir Lucho sa harap. I can sense something from his aura. Hindi ko alam kung natutuwa ba siya o naiinis.
"Is that your final answer? No more other details?" tanong ulit ni Sir Lucho. Um, is he trying to grill Chord? If he is, I bet he would not win this game. Napakunot naman ng noo si Chord sa sinabi ni Sir Lucho.
"Should I tell you fillers instead to make my presentation more detailed? I believe that it is not necessary to do so." Chord retorted. Halos mapa-face palm na ako. Oh my god. Am I just watching a teacher versus student debate? This is getting intense. Ano bang iniisip ni Chord?
Narinig kong tumawa si Sir Lucho kaya medyo lumuwag na ang pakiramdam ko. I mean, I already considered Chord as my friend at syempre, na-bother ako sa mga inasta niya tungo kay Sir Lucho. I just hope the teacher would not see it in a negative way. Chord's attitude is always like that. Should I talk to her after this?
"You may take your seat, lady," saad ni Sir Lucho. Tumalima naman agad si Chord at umupo na. Hindi nakawala sa paningin ko ang nakakalokong ngiti ni Sir Lucho na parang sobrang amused siya sa ginawa ni Chord. Itong isa namang classmate ko na nakaupo sa harapan ko, I think her name is Reena, parang kinikilig na. Judging by the ups and downs movement of her shoulders tapos nakatakip pa sa bunganga ang kamay niya, halatang nagugustuhan niya ang view ng ngiti ni Sir Lucho. I heard that Reena's fetish is gays. I just hope someone who is gay would notice a girl like her.
"Hey!" I called out habang palabas kami ng room for Lunch. It's Chord that I'm reaching out. Napatigil naman siya sa paglalakad at lumingon pabalik.
"Why?" tanong niya. Napatigil ako.
Should I tell her my thoughts? That I was bothered by her actions recently, and ask her what's up?
Umiling ako at ngumiti. " Sabay na tayo sa Cafeteria."
Napabuntong hininga ako. I don't have the guts to tell my thoughts to her yet. She's unpredictable. Mamaya maging iba pa ang reaksyon niya kapag sinabi ko 'yong mga gusto kong sabihin. I'm afraid I might step over her boundaries. Tyetyempuhan ko nalang siguro, kung kailan na siya handa magsabi.
"Gutom ka na ba?" tanong niya.
"Hindi," tugon ko. Bigla niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko at hinatak sa kung saan. This is Chord the Clingy, bow.
"Saan tayo pupunta?" tanong ko. Humarap siya sa akin at kumindat.
"Sa Heaven." saad niya kaya hindi ko mapigilang mapatawa. Bangag na naman 'to.
Dumaan kami sa isang room at sinalubong ng isang lalaking medyo chubby. Malaki ang mga mata pero singkit, I don't even know na may gano'n pala, at medyo malapad ang noo. Halos malaglag na ang panga ko dahil sa paraan ng pagbati niya kay Chord. He raised his middle finger while he's smirking, and I remember him already. Siya 'yong Dany na pinakyuhan din ni Chord nung una ko siyang makita!
Sumilip si Chord sa isa sa mga rooms. "Andiyan ba si Jexel? Sabihin mo pahiram akong gitara," saad ni Chord. Lumingon naman si Dany sa loob at may tinawag. Maya-maya lang ay lumapit na 'yong Janelle sa amin. Isa 'yong lalaki na moreno, mas maliit sa akin nang onti at may bilugang mga mata. Hindi rin gano'n kataas ang ilong niya. Hawak niya ang isang kulay beige na gitara sa kanang kamay. Inabot niya 'to kay Chord.
"Ingatan mo nalang ha, panghaharana ko pa 'yan," wika ni Jezel. Nag-thumbs up naman si Chord pagkakuha niya ng gitara.
Wow, she knows how to play the guitar?
"Syempre. Alam mo namang support ko love life mo!" tugon ni Chord at hinatak na ako paalis. Dumiretso kami sa Rooftop at doon umupo. Hinabol ko naman ang hininga ko. Ang taas kasi ng hagdanan. Pang apat na floor kaya 'to, syempre hindi magkakaroon ang University of Tallis ng 5th Floor kasi requirement na ng DepEd na may elevator dapat pagkagano'n. And since walang budget ang education sa Pinas lalo na sa mga public schools, imposible mangyari 'yon.
Naka-indian seat si Chord at nakaupo lang din ako sa tapat niya. Pinipihit niya pa 'yung gitara na parang tinotono niya pa tapos nung matapos siya ay ini-strum niya ito ng isang beses.
"Anong tutugtugin mo?" tanong ko. This got me thinking. Ito ba ang paraan niya ng pag-release ng mga bumabagabag sa kaniya? Kung ganito, sana ito na ang paraan niya. I don't like the idea of her doing something worse just to lessen her pain.
Ngumiti siya at tumingin sa akin.
"Makinig ka nalang," asik niya at sinimulan nang tumugtog.
(A/N: I composed this song days ago. Wala pa akong record no'n but ayos na 'yung tugtog at tono haha wala pa kasi akong recorder e. Below is the lyrics. Excuse my handwriting. Ta-type ko narin para mas maintindihan niyo.)
"I keep looking on your photo,
imagining you're just right here beside me.
These feelings I cannot control,
bugging me, every night,
making me feel sick."
I've never heard this song before pero ang sarap pakinggan. Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata at patuloy lang siyang pinakinggan.
"Oh, I just can't stop thinking about you, about you lately.
The more I wanted to stop, the more I get attached to you.
This warm fuzzy feeling I have in my chest is killing me, killing me, baby.
I want to call you mine even if you're not aware of it.
I love you, I want to touch you, feel you in my arms."
Kinikilabutan ako. Pakiramdam ko may gusto siyang makuha na hindi niya makuha kahit anong gawin niya. Her voice is so soothing and relaxing, but it also sounds like she's longing for something. Something that is priceless but she cannot get her grip on it.
"I am drawing you in my canvass,
just the thought of you make me insane.
I have your number in my phone,
We will talk, we will laugh,
until I take you home."
Is this about Marga? Or meron pa siyang ibang pinapatamaan?
"Oh, I just can't stop thinking about you, about you lately.
The more I wanted to stop, the more I get attached to you.
This warm fuzzy feeling I have in my chest is killing me, killing me, baby.
I want to call you mine even if you're not aware of it.
I love you, I want to touch you, feel you in my arms."
Biglang nag-iba 'yong strumming pattern niya at mas naging mapwersa. I think she will be singing the bridge.
"I hate to see you with someone else.
I'm the only human that can touch your hand.
It feels so right even if it's so wrong,
making you my property,
even if you don't want me to."
Nag-fade 'yong boses niya at dumaan ang sandaling kalungkutan sa mga mata niya. It's unusual too see Chord this vulnerable. All the cheeky grins and smiles, banging laughs, they're gone. All I see is a girl, struggling and trying to reach out for the people to notice her pain, but at the same time, ayaw niya ring mandamay ng iba.
"Oh, I just can't stop thinking about you, about you lately.
The more I wanted to stop, the more I get attached to you.
This warm fuzzy feeling I have in my chest is killing me, killing me, baby.
I want to call you mine even if you're not aware of it.
I love you, I want to touch you, feel you in my arms."
"I haven't heard of that song before." saad ko.
Nagkibit-balikat siya. "Composition ko 'yon. Ayos lang ba?"
Tumango ako at tinaas ang kamay ko sa ere, nakaarkong parang may yayapusin. Tinignan naman niya ako gamit ang mga nagtataka niyang mata.
"Ano 'yan?" tanong niya.
"Tss. Hug!" singhal ko habang nagpipigil ng ngiti. Medyo lumiwanag ang mukha niya at ibinaba ang gitara. Niyakap niya rin naman ako.
"Everything will be okay," saad ko nalang. What else can I say? 'Yong issue lang kay Marga ang alam ko kay Chord, other than that, wala na. I just hope I can comfort her with my words.
Humigpit ang yakap niya. "Lambot. Pero maliit."
Nawala naman ang ngiti sa mga labi ko at tinulak siya papalayo. Ang bangag naman, humahalakhak pa. Manyak talaga 'to!
"You should have seen your face, Reid."
Napailing nalang ako at napairap nang bahagya. Lakas talaga ng isang 'to. Loko-loko parin. Panira ng moment!
"But I appreciate it, honestly," sambit niya nang tumigil siya sa pagtawa. Her next words left me stunned.
"Thank you."
Anong binatbat ng elements ng Oral Communication kung sa simpleng ngiti at tingin niya lang, naiintindihan ko na ang ibig niyang ipahiwatig.
"Wala 'yon," tugon ko. Humiga siya sa sahig at itinabi niya ang gitara sa katawan niya. Tinapik niya ang espasyong nasa tabi niya lang. "Higa ka rin."
Tumalima naman ako at tumabi sa kaniya. Parehas kaming nakatingin sa kalangitan, at mabuti nga at hindi ito nakakasilaw. It's very cloudy kahit tanghaling tapat. I like how calm the sky is, trying to be neutral of all times.
"Alam mo kung gaano ko kamahal si Marga?" wika bigla ni Chord. Tinignan ko siya gamit ang gilid ng aking mga mata.
"Gaano?"
Tumingin siya sa akin at bumalik ang tingin niya sa taas. Nginuso niya ang kalangitan. "Tingin ka ulit doon."
Tumingin naman ako ulit sa sinasabi niya. Ano kayang sasabihin niya? Na mas kasing lawak ng kalangitan na ito ang nararamdaman niya para kay Marga? Na kasing lambot ng mga ulap ang puso niya para kay Marga? O kasing kalmado ng panahon ngayon ang nararamdaman niya kay Marga para suungin lahat ng magiging hadlang sa gusto niyang mangyari?
I know, I'm exaggerating things, but I know how Chord thinks. Her imagination is abounding every universe.
"Bilangin mo lahat ng bituin sa langit. Gano'n ko siya kamahal."
Kumunot ang noo ko.
"Pero umaga ngayon at wala namang---" naputol ang sasabihin ko nang mapagtanto ko ang ibig niyang sabihin. Wala.
Narinig ko siyang tumawa nang mahina.
"I do not know how to love, Reid. I was not raised to feel that kind of feeling. No one gave me that and no matter how much I think about getting it from other people, it doesn't make me feel...loved."
Tumagilid ako ng higa. "But you know how to treasure things, right?"
Tumango siya.
"Then you know how to love. You might not know it but if you value things, it's already enough to say that you know how to give love," saad ko. "Sometimes, people define love as a mysterious and complex part of human nature, but the truth is, it's not!"
Tumitig naman siya sa akin na parang hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi ko. "How come?"
Tumikhim ako. "Who do you love the most? And what I mean by that, who do you treasure the most?" tanong ko ulit. Napaisip naman siya at tinaas ang kamay niya.
"My music and books. My little sister...." saad niya at tila may binibilang sa daliri.
"Omega, headset, hmmm, ano pa ba?" dagdag niya. Napangisi ako.
"See?" saad ko. Kumunot naman ang noo niya habang na-stuck 'yong kamay niya sa bilang na pang-apat.
"Anong see? Ano namang nakita mo, aber?" sabat niya. Imbes na sagutin siya ay inabot ko 'yung hinlalaki niya at hinigpitan ang pagkakahawak dito.
"How long will it take you to utter your own name?"
Napatigil naman siya at nanlaki ang mga mata, as if she just realized something about our conversation. Ngumiti ako.
"Love does not come mainly from the people around you," saad ko at nilapat ang hintuturo ko sa dibdib niya. "It starts from here."
Tinitigan ko siya sa mga mata niya. "From you."
Napaiwas naman siya ng tingin, inalis ang kamay ko, at bahagyang umupo. Nakatukod ang kamay niya sa bandang likod niya at sinasapo niya naman ang noo niya gamit ang kaliwa niyang kamay. Ngumiti siya nang mapakla at halatang ayaw niya akong tignan.
"What's up with you?" she asked, breathing heavily. Gaya niya ay umupo narin ako. Hindi rin ako tumingin sa kaniya at tinignan lang ang mga palad ko. Huminga ako nang malalim.
"I lost a friend too, Chord," I said and look up in the sky. "Unlike you, I cannot see her anymore. I cannot hear her anymore. Her smiles, her laughs, and her cries, they're all gone. And you know what's more worse?"
Napakagat ako ng labi ko at naiyukom ko rin ang mga kamao ko. Huminga ako nang malalim.
"She took her own life." Finally, I said it. Napatawa ako nang mahina.
"Minsan nga, sinisisi ko rin sarili ko at napapatanong. Bakit niya ginawa 'yon? Nagkulang ba ako sa pagpaparamdam sa kaniya na hindi siya nag-iisa? Hindi ko ba talaga siya napasaya manlang para magawa niya 'yon? Hindi ba ako naging mabuting kaibigan?" sunod-sunod kong saad.
"Why are you telling me that?" I heard Chord asked. Nilingon ko siya at nginitian siya nang mapakla.
"Because all this time, kahit andiyan ako para magbigay ng pagmamahal kay Mina, hindi parin 'yon sapat. What she lacks is...self-love and I was not the person who should be giving her that." Halatang natahimik si Chord sa mga pinagsasabi ko. Kahit din naman ako ay nabigla sa lahat ng pinaggagawa ko. It's not like me to open up like this. Kay Miracle lang ako nagkwekwento ng lahat ng mga nasa isip ko but Chord is an exemption. And I do not know the reason behind that.
Nakita kong nilapat niya ang palad niya sa kaniyang dibdib at napahigpit ang hawak sa kaniyang blouse. Blangko lang ang mukha niya at parang lumilipad na naman ang isip. I was about to say something when I heard her next lines.
"Mina must be fighting hard but she's not in love with the person standing in the mirror who gone through much with her."
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AYAN LANG PO 'YUNG EPEKTO NG HINDI NILA PAG-LUNCH HAHAAHA SO HOW'S THE UPDATE? Sorry kung natagalan. Sino sa inyo ang gustong marinig akong kumanta? Actually I posted my covers and compositions here in Watty. Visit my profile and open the story entitled "Sing My Hear Out", there you can see me singing in a video! Although wala pa doon 'yung Obsession na kinanta ni Chord dito sa Tri-Bi Genius.
Let me ask you one thing, pals: Who do you love the most?
Sisinghot na ulit ako ng Omega HAHAHA and news flash!! Inlove na po ako kay Geiko. Isang youtuber at malupit na artist. She has her arts page. GEIKO 'yung pangalan. Visit her ha. I just hope I can see her in personal. :(
- Chris Rolfe (AnimeAddict04)