//
"i have to sort some things out."
he'd said that, while frantically packing, but stopping to look her dead in the eye at the same time; transmitting information to her, in a way that made it near impossible for her to argue against his reasoning. couldn't make sense.
glassy eyes and trembling breaths, and somehow she'd managed to get a grip and grab her own suitcase and pile in everything that she had managed to bring with her. seemed such a long time ago now. everything that had been strewn across the room, remnants of the tumultuous nature of their interactions. everything and nothing that mattered.
baekhyun had continued to apologise, over and over again, and roma had tried--was still trying--her hardest to understand. and she did. always did. just couldn't quite put it into a formulated sentence, that would make baekhyun see how much he meant to her. the tension it took to stop herself from crying in front of him, as they both packed, was almost heartbreaking.
the constant, reassuring, deeply promising, touches from baekhyun were almost unbearable, as he swept the house clean of their presence, piling their belongings heavily in the front foyer. each thud of the suitcase landing on the marble managed to startle her, heart in her throat. the sun beamed heavily onto every object, burning everything in its path.
recollections of him, with a stern and concerned expression spread across his face, his hand clasping his phone to his ear. a muffled yet deep and intent voice communicating a tone that made roma nervous and sad; on edge and unable to think or concentrate properly.
once the phone was out of his hand, he'd look at roma, placing his arms heavily upon her shoulders. dark, wide eyes. staring right into hers. mouth opening, as he tried to form fluid sentences.
"i've booked you a flight back to france," he'd spoken, never leaving eye contact. "and...i will have to stay here."
roma tried to take a non-conspicuous, sharp intake of breath. calming herself down.
silence and the world passed. seemed like an eternity.
"but...it's almost the end of august. i have to go back home to england," she spoke quietly, avoiding eye contact, looking down.
she needed to call mia.
suddenly, all of these thoughts flooded her mind. she had to go back home. being with baekhyun had made her forget every responsibility she had. and here she was, in a foreign country, having followed him stupidly just because he'd kissed her and made everything better and told her--she shook her head. she couldn't breathe.
left her job. left home. left her best friend. and he'd said he loved her, but none of that mattered so much anymore. god, how could she have been so stupid and naive?
"i'm sorry. i'll say it over and over, roma...i wish there was a way i could fix everything."
he meant it.
it was all too much to take in; to make sense of.
the sincerity and depth and everything else in his facial expression went beyond promises. so much so that she really wanted to despise him right now. wished she had it in her; to shout at him, to let him know, throw something. time to stand up for herself properly.
but she couldn't.
roma merely nodded, as his hand glided over her cheek. strong grip. promises. sometimes she wondered how different things would have been.
"okay," her lifeless voice had uttered, barely above a whisper.
defeated.
he hadn't even driven her to the airport. instead, given her her bags, ordered a taxi, pressed a heavy kiss to her quivering lips. the heat: intense and too much, overriding her awareness of her surroundings and happenings. his mind had been elsewhere. the constant shifting glances and inability to stay in one space for more than a minute.
the kiss was over.
didn't even wave goodbye to her; was already rushing back inside, phone to his ear, hurrying away with a purpose.
hurt clawed at her chest, as she tried desperately to hold back the tears in the backseat, the driver glancing at her in the mirror. so stupid. asked if she was okay: simply nodded, forcing a pleasant and warm smile.
the airport had been a blur of white and glass and the sun beaming through, colouring everything a bright, transparent glow that blinded her as she wound her way through the people and points, trying to reach her destination.
didn't even send her a text to see if she'd got there okay.
she felt numb. nothing. in the airplane, eyes closed and back leant against the seat. tears dry and head confused. and sad. even when she pressed her eyes as shut as she could, she still saw him, last night, hovering over, uttering those words that made her feel dizzy and sick now.
normally, flying was stressful, and the turbulence bothered her, but this time she couldn't even concentrate on the vibrations. the sun eliciting a strong line of yellow brightness through the compartment window was all that distracted her, as it painted lines across her face and her body.
a connecting flight, a transfer and a long journey later, and lyon didn't even feel like home when she arrived. it was warm, pleasant and nice against her skin, but nothing compared to the sizzling heat of the arizonian landscape. nothing compared to how disengaged she'd felt when she was with him.
back to reality. small city and sunshine, but it seemed weird and wrong now.
she reached her apartment block, climbing the steps wearily and half-heartedly. broken down. took out her keys.
her phone buzzed.
baekhyun: thinking of you... i'm sorry. i will call you x
roma threw it down on the ground, as she entered the flat, slamming the door shut, bags falling from her hands.
16:45.
mia was out. and roma could tell judging by the silence of the apartment; no music, no television, nothing. again, she could feel the tears brimming, threatening to spill. she pressed her hands against her forehead, trying to think. the same way it had been the whole journey home.
they were going to be kicked out next monday. which meant they were leaving soon. which meant that roma would be back in england, away from the sunshine and memories and parties. university started in a month. she'd have to go back to living with her mum.
felt the sick rise up in her throat.
all of these thoughts. too much.
her belongings fell helplessly from her hands, down to the ground.
she knew that baekhyun did care about her. that couldn't even be denied; anyone could see. but roma couldn't think of anything else right now aside from the heartache he'd caused her. nothing apart from the distanced state he'd occupied, turning himself so quickly from those three words and from the adoration he'd given to her, to seemingly cold and uncaring.
the apartment seemed daunting and washed of any good times, now. sun was pale, seeping through the closed curtains. the place was a mess; unusual for roma, but expected for mia.
its silence seemed to last longer than roma desired.
roma ran to the kitchen cupboards, vigorously pulling them open. angry. unable to control her emotions. couldn't find the equilibrium. she grabbed the pack of cigarettes, and found the bottle of half-empty gin, lying across the counter-top. grabbed that, too.
she headed for the balcony, yanking the doors open.
sun didn't seem to make a difference.
its slanted and somewhat odd rays skimmed the railing, and the chairs, and across the various items of rubbish that lay across the concrete flooring. wine bottles and a broken, glass ashtray and one of mia's bras. roma kicked a few things aside, making space for herself to sit down on the ground, legs outstretched, back leant against the broken garden chair.
she didn't really like to smoke. but it offered something else to focus her attention and actions on, her mouth, resting between her fingers. her lips were occupied by their movements, grey smoke and withering sunshine surrounding her.
mia hadn't watered their plants.
made roma sad momentarily, seeing the decayed and faded petals, and then she realised that they each had bigger problems than whether their flowers were a pretty colour.
she blew the smoke from her mouth, relaxing her shoulders.
the bottle was quite stiff to open, but she managed. looked unappetising and used. took a long sip, holding her breath in, the sharp, metallic taste of cheap gin burning her tongue. roma winced, squeezing her eyes; placed it back down on the ground again, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
she hoped that mia would be back soon, so she wouldn't have to be alone, as she stared up at the bluish-greyish, hazy sky, looming over her small figure. humid and unpleasant. she desperately needed a shower, her clothes sticking to her in uncomfortable places. flight after flight taking it out of her.
roma focused on a crack, a jagged line, in the concrete. and tried her hardest not to keep on crying.
she took another strained sip of gin.
pathetic: wondering what on earth, or where on earth, baekhyun was right now. all she could think about. him, and his own problems; his dark eyes, the way he'd expelled those words. indigo veins and blue dents and hot skin. beneath and between the sheets. all of it--every action and movement--seemed to matter more than anything. consumed her thoughts.
the lights. hadn't given them much thought in quite a long time. recalled; the chandelier splintering into a thousand, tiny pieces, onto the floor. darting eyes, moving swiftly. on and off. baekhyun's own fire.
sighed sadly.
subtly; she felt the sky darken, tinting the clouds with a deeper shade, the sun almost completely disappearing behind their presence. baekhyun was probably fine without her. sorting things out. if only he would ever fully explain himself.
the tears stung.
blew smoke away from her face.
one more sip.
she found herself just repeating the same problems and thoughts over again. shook her head, as she decided, in the moment, that all any of it did was make everything harder. so, maybe it was best to just let him go: would be easier.
roma felt a tear glide down the length of her softened cheek.
dimmed even further.
baekhyun.
she loved him.
never felt this before.
there was nothing else left to do.
gin and cigarettes and now roma was crying, the tears falling freely, her shoulders hunched as she sobbed the hurt away.
//