XVI.
h a l f m o o n
━━
THE petals had first appeared three months ago. he'd caught a glimpse of the blue-haired boy smiling at jimin as he imitated some silly dance, eyes shining with something more than they should for a friend. and jung hoseok had felt a twinge of jealousy.
jealous? jung hoseok? he told himself his heart must've just been burning because of the outrageously spicy taco he'd eaten earlier, which was probably true.
but the next day, his eyes wandered to the bluenette's face anyway. his hair is so bright was the excuse he gave on why his pupils slid to the small frame of the rapper sitting across from him at the breakfast table. he watched yoongi smile to himself when jimin repeated something stupid that taehyung had said in a weird voice. he watched him try to hide his slight blush by pulling his shirt up to cover his mouth and nose. the other members didn't see, but hoseok did.
and his heart flip-flopped again.
a week passed. he forced his eyes to stare elsewhere and keep his head focused on what he was currently doing. this weird phase would pass, he thought firmly. so jung hoseok spent all of his time and energy working on his mixtape and dancing. mainly dancing.
his thoughts always drifted to a certain boy whenever he tried to write songs, and there was no way he was going to have super sappy songs on his long-awaited mixtape.
he finally admitted it to himself on the monday of the following week, when they were having an impromptu movie night. bighit let them off early, which was a rare treat. namjoon made the disastrous suggestion that they'd watch a few episodes of a new k-drama, and once those words had been uttered, seokjin and taehyung wouldn't let anyone back out or else the face the wrath of the both of them (oh, who are we kidding? taehyung's "wrath" was nothing compared to strict-parent-seokjin).
despite, hoseok plopped onto the couch grinning. he was excited to watch something new, especially sitting next to his favorite people in the whole world. as all of them did, he tried to ignore jimin striding over to the chair furthest away from jungkook, refusing to meet the brunette boy's hurt eyes. he didn't know what was going on between them at the time, but he wasn't going to push it.
his mind was quickly swiped clean when blue hair flashed in the corner of his vision, crossing in front of him to sit down on the couch with a sigh, right next to him. their knees accidentally brushed, but yoongi didn't notice the slight intake of breath that came from his mouth. the rapper just sighed once more and leaned back, shutting his eyes for mandatory nap-time.
"let me know when it's about to end," the elder mumbled half-heartedly, "so i can pretend i was awake the whole time."
"okay," hoseok said, his voice uncharacteristically quiet. he shook his head, focusing his eyes to the screen. why was he feeling this way? it made no sense. he'd known this boy for years, and there had been no attraction—
his heart stopped. attraction? he was attracted—to min yoongi? his bandmate, his hyung, his friend? his face paled.
he did. he, jung hoseok, had a crush on his polar opposite. and the worst part—it was forbidden.
it was safe to say he didn't pay attention to the rest of the movie.
━━
HE didn't tell anyone about his predicament, obviously. that would just be a mess. lying was the hardest for him out of the seven, though. he loved them all so much. they'd all agreed to no dating as long as they were in bangtan; careers-first. so crushing on another bangtan member was a recipe for disaster.
days passed, but his feelings refused to. each sunrise, he woke up early to make sure he ate before yoongi did. and at sunset, he went to bed early so he didn't accidentally run into the bluenette in the halls alone. he didn't avoid him, not because it was too painful to see him, but because it was too painful to not see him. he couldn't bear not at least staring at a picture of him because he... he liked him. a lot. and then came the petals.
about a month after he realized the truth, it did become too painful. sure, he was great at pretending. he couldn't hide when he was angry or sad, but he could hide when he was confused and frankly stupefied at his feelings. maybe out of more fear.
he watched yoongi stifle a laugh across the room and felt something prick his heart, again. he had to put his feelings out somehow—
with a start, a resolution came to him. the hanahaki disease... it killed. he didn't have much time, he didn't have another year.
with a backward glance at the other members in the living room, hoseok made his way into his room. his hands trembled slightly as he opened his desk drawer and took out a slip of paper and a pen and began to write.
━━
MIN YOONGI was rarely caught off-guard.
but he was absolutely stupefied when he saw the black petal fall from hoseok's lips. it was larger than his and taehyung's were, with traces of blood coating the outside. his face paled as he struggled to swallow; he must've had it for longer.
"this..." hoseok managed to choke out, eyes rimmed with red as he tried to keep back his tears. "this is for you." he reached in his pocket and held out an envelope at him. yoongi almost stumbled back; shock flitting across his features.
dread and sorrow had already entered his mind, but that didn't stop his hands from ripping open the envelope and unfolding the letter, and it didn't stop his eyes from reading the words on the page.
YOONGI, 10.15.17
hello, my best friend. i hope you're doing well when you read this. if you read this... i guess i should just start this off with an apology. i'm going to be apologizing a lot; i'm sorry. i'm sorry for apologizing.
i'm sorry for bursting in your room sometimes when you're working. i just wanted to talk, but i'm sorry i got in the way. i get how important work is to you.
i'm sorry for trying to make you laugh when all you really need is to be sad for a little while. i didn't know that then, i know it now. i don't like seeing you sad, or angry.
i'm sorry for —
[ tear stains ]
i'm sorry for feeling things i shouldn't. for you. i never meant to hurt you. i know you don't feel the same way, and that's okay. really, i'm okay.
[ tear stains ]
except i'm not okay. it hurts me to watch you shyly sneak glances at jimin, trying to hide your smile. but i see it; i see it every day. i see you purse your lips together to conceal your grin when jimin called you cute. you were glowing the rest of the night. it hurts. oh god, it hurts.
but nothing makes me feel happy more than seeing you happy. i know that now. and i'm willing to sacrifice my feelings so that you can be in the arms of the one you love.
i'm sorry for this. i'm sorry for making this so difficult. just please... remember me? remember i'm always here whenever you need me, whenever you want me.
i'm in love with you, and i'm so, so sorry for that.
HOSEOK
the paper slid from his shaking hands, falling to the floor. slowly, oh so slowly, his eyes raised from the paper on the ground to the boy's feet, up his legs and torso and up his shoulders and neck until—until his eyes finally caught the ones of jung hoseok. those beautiful, deep brown eyes he never really gave a thought until now, until he really devoted every bit of his eyes and mind to capture their exquisiteness. he could write sonnets about those eyes.
yoongi swallowed, his throat drying upon gazing at the other rapper's face. words—min yoongi always had words to say at once without hesitation, but here—he didn't have words to describe this moment. this was one of the only times in his life when he didn't know what to say.
he had been so focused on his unrequited love for jimin, blindly unaware of anyone and anything else, that he'd missed what had been in front of him this whole time. this whole time.
tentatively, he took a step closer to the red-haired boy. hoseok gazed at him with wide, scared eyes, but he didn't back away or flinch. he let yoongi come to him, striding up so he was only a foot away. the bluenette bit his lower lip nervously, face still a canvas swimming with colors of confusion and regret.
quietly, so quiet that everyone in the room scarcely breathed, yoongi whispered, "how... how long—has this been happening?"
hoseok rasped, "three months."
a sharp intake of breath was the only way that hoseok knew the elder boy had heard him. he... he had had this disease for three months? three months—right before jungkook locked himself in his room and almost died.
he couldn't breathe—the walls were suddenly so much closer, triggering his claustrophobia. but he couldn't move—all he could do was stare into hoseok's dark brown eyes.
but, just for a moment, his gaze faltered, and his eyes fell on the blonde boy. the love he felt for him still ached in his heart, but now, he felt something different in the mix. yes, he loved park jimin, but... now there was hoseok to account for. his pupils flitted back and forth between the two, head spinning.
he loved jimin; maybe a piece of him always would. on the other hand, he did not have any attraction to hoseok, but he had never considered it. and maybe he would never develop feelings for the boy, but he owed him the benefit of the doubt. for his heath's sake.
he took two more steps closer to the main dancer, hands twitching at his sides. he'd never—never really initiated a hug with many people before, it was just a little outside of his comfort zone. usually, he was the one who was hugged, not the other way around.
finally, he built up the courage to lean in and encircle his arms around the lean frame of the boy, pressing his cheek against his neck. he felt the boy tense in his grip, his heartbeat increasing against yoongi's chest, but slowly, he wrapped his own arms around the bluenette and drew him closer.
for a moment, they just held each other, the other members in the room fading away into nothing in their minds. but then yoongi gently pushed away, head and eyes lowered to the floor as he awkwardly tried to come up with something to say.
after a few seconds, he murmured, "hoseok, i don't love you."
instead of reacting, hoseok just smiled sadly. "i know."
but min yoongi wasn't finished. he looked back up, features completely neutral but a glimmer of hope sparkling in his eyes as he said, "but for your sake, for my sake, i'd be willing to try."
1900 WORDS LMAO !!!!!
are you ready for the end?
next chapter is the last ;)))