As she stepped through the front door, Jay was taken aback by the silence of the house. She knew Harvey was home but the house seemed to have a sad, empty feeling to it all the same. The only light came from a lamp in the hallway while the rest of the house was shadowed in darkness. Jay suddenly felt overcome with a sense of apprehension as she set her purse on the floor next to the front door. All she could hear was the loud tapping of her heels against the wooden floor as she headed towards the kitchen, where Harvey had been peering out the window. Taking a deep breath, she rounded the corner into the kitchen.
There he was. Her eyes were still adjusting to the darkness of the house, and all she could see at first was the shadowy figure of a man leaning against the kitchen counter opposite her. She could tell little from the vague outline of his form other than that he was slouching and his long hair was mussed. It was then that she noticed the bottle sitting on the counter next to him.
"Harvey," Jay said softly, flipping the switch on the wall and flooding the kitchen with light. A disappointing picture flashed into view. Harvey looked awful. His slumped figure, wild hair, and distraught expression tore at her heart. He looked utterly bereft and she knew exactly what he felt. She had seen this look in the mirror every day for five years.
As she took another step towards him, she realized what the bottle was. Jay wasn't overly familiar with alcohol but she knew the name Jim Beam well enough. Several of her fellow patients, who in addition to their crippling mental issues, had dealt with alcohol problems. The brown liquid only filled about a quarter of the bottle and Jay knew that wasn't a good sign.
"Harvey, have you been drinking?" she asked, already knowing the answer. She set her leftovers on the counter.
He picked up the bottle and glared at it suspiciously. "Possibly," he slurred softly. "Why'd you turn the light on?" He glanced briefly at her before looking back down at the floor.
Jay almost smiled. "Because not all of us like to wander around in the dark." She crossed her arms over her chest and stared him down.
Harvey shifted slightly. "I like the dark. It's comforting."
"Oh?" Jay replied. It was time to get to the point. "So then you weren't hiding in the dark because you were spying on Edmund and me?"
Harvey turned away from her and took another drink straight from the bottle. "I don't want to talk about it."
She sighed. "This is because of the other night, isn't it?" Harvey's mood swings were starting to make sense and she suddenly knew this conversation was not going to end well for either of them.
Harvey slammed the bottle down on the counter, jarring Jay. "I said I don't want to talk about it," he roared, spinning back around.
"Harvey please," she said, moving slowly backwards.
He approached her, crossing the kitchen in three quick steps. Jay felt her back slam into the fridge, and there was nowhere else to go. She tried not to cringe and failed as she stared up into his angry gray eyes.
"Why couldn't you just ignore him, Jay? Why couldn't you just believe what I said? He's only going to hurt you. I know him." He emphasized his last word by slamming his first against the refrigerator door.
Jay flinched, but immediately felt rage well up inside of her. Her relationship with Edmund was none of Harvey's business. She shoved Harvey back, and he stumbled backwards. Jay stepped right into his face, anger dripping off of her next words.
"Ignore him? I like Edmund, Harvey, and he likes me. I thought you wanted me to have a normal life! Well, trying to have a relationship is part of that. So what is your deal?" She punctuated her statements with sharp jabs of the finger to this chest. "Are you jealous? Or did you only bring me here so you and Vivian could use me as some sort of project and you're worried about your toy being taken away?" Jay didn't know where she was going with this as she spoke, but as the words tumbled out of her mouth, the rage and hurt coursing through her body made some kind of damaged sense.
The anger in Harvey's eyes receded as she spoke, only to be replaced with an emotion that Jay could only describe as loss. "I didn't... I mean... I just wanted to help you." Harvey spoke softly, and slowly backed away from her assault. He turned away before he spoke again, plaintive now. "I just want to help you, unlike my brother."
Jay groaned, her hands curling into fists. Harvey wasn't about to own up to his jealousy; instead he insisted on blaming everything on Edmund. "What is your problem with Edmund, Harvey? You keep saying he's this horrible person but I'm just not seeing it."
She heard the smile in his voice even though he hadn't turned around. "Of course you don't see it, Jay. That's the whole point. My brother lets people see exactly what they want to see in order to get what he wants. He's a consummate liar. Very few have seen what he truly is."
Jay didn't believe it. It sounded like yet another excuse for why the two brothers didn't like each other, but for now she decided to play along. "And what is it that he wants?"
Harvey didn't answer. He turned back to look at her and his gray eyes bore into hers, looking at her as if she was slowly fading away. His expression was all loneliness and heartache; not the jealousy she expected to see. She didn't understand it.
She waved a hand in front of him, trying to get his attention. "Harvey? You didn't answer my question?"
Harvey blinked and the look was gone. "I don't know what he wants. I only know it won't be anything you'll want to give." He rubbed his chin and glanced back at the bottle on the counter.
Jay stepped forward and placed one hand on his shoulder. He shivered slightly at her touch and almost pulled away. Jay had no idea how to be the adult here, but she somehow knew this situation called for it. "If you don't know for sure what Edmund's devious ends are, how can you be so sure that they're devious at all?"
Harvey groaned and stepped away from her, putting the counter between the two of them, as if he was afraid he might hurt her. Or that she might hurt him. "You don't get it, Jay! You may fancy yourself in love with my brother, but I know him far better than you. I've seen what he's capable of. I know his mind, how he works. I know when he's up to something and he's been up to something ever since he found out about you."
Jay stamped her foot as the rage flowed through her body. Edmund liked her. It couldn't be some evil plot. She'd seen the way he looked at her, heard the things he had said. He couldn't be that good of a liar. Could he? Pushing any encroaching doubt from her mind, she placed her hands on her hips and stared at Harvey. "You're just jealous! Because seeing Edmund means I won't be able to devote all my time to you and your training of whatever. You're jealous, Harvey. Admit it."
Harvey sighed but didn't look at her. "Perhaps I am, Jay, but that doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that you still have a lot to learn, about yourself and about my dear brother. Perhaps you're not as ready as I thought you were." He glanced up briefly, his hair partially obscuring his face. "I'm going to bed. I hope you had a lovely evening." Harvey was gone and Jay heard his bedroom door slam behind him before she had time to formulate a comeback.
"I hope you had a lovely evening," Jay yelled at closed door. She crossed her arms, hugging herself as she crossed the kitchen, her body tense with rage. She'd show him who had a lot to learn. She could have Edmund and learn to be a mara too. It was all going to work out and she didn't need Harvey to do it. Despite what he said, she knew she was ready to be a mara. It was part of her, she didn't need Harvey to explain everything to her. She could do this on her own. She didn't need his help. She could do this. Right? A creeping sense of doubt flooded through her and she hugged herself tighter.
"Of course you can do this," a familiar voice came from the other side of the counter.
Still clutching her arms to her chest, Jay snapped her head toward the voice and saw herself standing on the other side of the counter. The other Jay was dressed casually, in a gray sweatshirt and jeans, but was, in every other way Jay could see, her twin. Was she dreaming again? She was supposed to be past this! The confidence she had felt moments earlier was fading fast. She tried to speak but found she couldn't find the words.
"You're not dreaming, Jay," the other Jay said, placing one hand on her hip. "I'm really here."
Jay's mouth went dry as she felt the fear creep in. The feeling of being unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality that had plagued her for the last five years came sweeping into her body. Were the doctors at Lakewood right? Was she crazy? Was this the proof? Or was this yet another nightmare she had accidentally created? Here was proof that Harvey was right, that she wasn't ready to take control of her power. She stepped back, lowering her gaze, unable to look at whatever this thing was that looked just like her.
"It's okay, Jay," it spoke again. "You're not crazy. I'm part of you and I'm here to help."
Jay shook her head. "How is that possible?" she whispered, more to herself, than to her doppelganger.
The other Jay snickered. "How is any of this possible? A girl who everyone thought was crazy but is really half-nightmare fairy? The whole thing is ludicrous. But that doesn't mean it isn't true." Her voice radiated confidence.
Jay nodded slightly. This other Jay was right. How could she say this wasn't some other part of her new identity that Harvey had forgotten to tell her about? Or perhaps it was a dream figure Jay herself had created so she could have someone to talk to who wasn't Harvey or Edmund. It wouldn't be the most insane thing she had encountered in the last few weeks.
"What do you want?" Jay asked, still unable to face her twin on the other side of the counter.
"To help you," the other responded, her voice lilting slightly. "Why else would I be here?"
Jay hugged herself tightly. "Help me with what?" She almost whispered the words, unsure of whether she should be talking to something that probably wasn't there.
Her shadow self smiled devilishly, like she was in on some secret that Jay wasn't, and tossed her hair behind her shoulder. "You and I are going to prove to Harvey that you are ready to be a mara."
Jay threw up her hands and glared at the doppelganger. "And how are we going to do that when he's right? I've hardly practiced at all and as much as I like Edmund, I don't know him that well." Jay paused, sketching shapes on the kitchen floor with the toe of her shoe. "Maybe Harvey's right about him too."
Suddenly the other Jay reached across the counter and grabbed her arm tight. "You're not locked up in Lakewood anymore, Jayashree Atkinson," the doppelganger declared, her grip on Jay's arm tightening. "You're an adult, you can do what you want, and right now what you want is to prove Harvey wrong." The doppelganger didn't remove her hand, staring intently at Jay as she waited for a response.
Jay stared into the mirror image of herself, the same mismatched eyes, the same raven hair, the same... everything. 'Almost everything,' she thought, taking in her doppelganger's piercing stare and confident posture. Jay was unsure of how to proceed. Was this other Jay something her mind had conjured up to lead her astray or was her consciousness manifesting itself to encourage her to continue on the path she was already on?
"We were made for great things, Jay," the doppelganger continued, her voice impassioned. "It's time to prove it to the world."
"At least to Harvey, anyways," Jay replied.
A look of annoyance crossed the doppelganger's face. "Sure, let's start there."
Jay reached forward and placed her hand atop the doppelganger's and stared straight into eyes the exact reflection of her own. "What do we do first?"
The doppelganger's only reply was a satisfied smile.
Jay and her doppelganger appeared in the moor, facing the wall of mist that surrounded it. Jay looked upon the scene with contentment; she was starting to feel a sense of home and belonging in this barren place.
"Let's go," the doppelganger said, immediately striding towards the edge of the meadow.
Jay jogged to catch up. "Where are we going?"
"As far as we can," the doppelganger proclaimed. She glanced at Jay over her shoulder. "You're going to create as big a nightmare as you can and go as far into the dreamscape as you can. It's the only way to prove to Harvey that you're ready. And that you won't back down."
"Right," Jay replied, following her. Some part of her must know that this was the way to prove that she was ready to be a mara. Some part of her had to know; it was the only way this made any sense.
"Focus, Jay," the doppelganger said, turning towards her. "Let's see what we can do." She nodded toward the impenetrable gray mist.
Jay nodded as a forest of pine trees and Douglas Firs she remembered from her childhood appeared before them, replacing the mist. The dream creation came more easily now, as things ingrained in her memory developed in living color in front of her. Ferns sprung up around her feet and she could hear the rush of running water in the distance. The smell of cedar and pine filled her nose. Things she was less familiar with took longer but as long as she could picture it in her mind, nothing was off limits.
As that thought crossed her mind, a large toucan appeared in one of the fir trees and Jay giggled. No one had said that creating nightmares couldn't be fun. Jay tossed a glance at her doppelganger and saw that she approved.
"That's beautiful, Jay," she said. "Let's see what else you can do." She ran off into the trees and Jay followed, creating a flurry of forest creatures as she went. Suddenly deer, squirrels, songbirds, and even a few bears erupted into being around them.
Jay created as she followed the encouraging doppelganger, who was forever urging her to create more and more, to show Harvey just how powerful she could be. She threw out anything she could think of as they walked, from the normal (a passing thunderstorm) to the unbelievable (a small herd of bloodthirsty unicorns). The forest came to life around them and she grinned ferociously as she frolicked through her creation. The dream-making was a release unlike anything she had felt before. The more she created and the more intricate it became, the more certain she was that this was what she was meant for. How could Harvey not think she was ready when this was so obviously what she was meant to do for the rest of her life?
"Don't slow down, Jay," the doppelganger called. "We still have quite a ways to go."
Jay nodded and followed, darkening the shadows of the trees around her as she went. The bright happy forest was a pleasure to create, but she also knew it paled in comparison to the creation of nightmares. The sky became a darker blue as the light around her dimmed and the shadows sprung up around her. An owl rustled in the tree above her head as a raccoon scampered in the underbrush. She trotted ahead, still grinning, as she heard the howl of a wolf behind her.
It felt as if several hours had passed but her doppelganger was still running. Jay followed, aware of the passage of time but also lost in the pleasure of creating the nightmare around her. She kept thinking she was finished but then she would think of something else to add, layering detail upon detail in the hopes of gaining her doppelganger's, and thereby Harvey's, approval. But the doppelganger ranged on ahead of Jay, never stopping, only shouting words of encouragement from time to time.
In a nod to the passing of the hours, the sky above Jay was now a deep midnight blue and she could scarcely make out anything except the shadows of the trees and the outline of her doppelganger ahead of her. She was growing tired and running out of ideas, but something within pulled her forward, making her ignore the fact that transforming her imagination into reality was becoming more and more strenuous. Jay wanted to stop but she also afraid to lose sight of her doppelganger.
She attempted to lighten the sky, to make it easier to see, but as she did she tripped on a root and was sent tumbling from her feet, face first into the dirt. Her hands didn't reach out quick enough to brace her fall and Jay hit the ground hard, her limbs sprawled in all directions. Hearing a soft laugh in the distance, she pushed herself up slowly to a sitting position. Her face ached and a small trickle of blood ran from her nose. Jay glanced around, looking for the source of the laughter but she saw no one. Even her doppelganger seemed to have disappeared. Jay glanced at her hand and tried to will an ice pack into being. As the thought entered her mind, she doubled over as a pain unlike any she had ever felt ran through the length of her body, bringing tears to her eyes.
What was happening? Why couldn't she create anything? Had she used up all of her power? Oh God, was she stuck here? Jay's breathing became heavier as these thoughts raced through her mind until she found herself wheezing and barely able to draw a breath. She couldn't lose her powers so soon after realizing what they were. What would Harvey think of her then?
Harvey. Jay glanced around once more, searching the forest for her doppelganger. The doppelganger had said this was how she could prove herself to Harvey. How would exhausting herself prove anything to anyone? Maybe she hadn't created the doppelganger like she thought. Maybe the doppelganger wasn't trying to help at all. Jay clenched and unclenched her fists, wincing, still unable to slow her breathing.
It was then that she heard a noise from the trees, nearly inaudible compared to the sound of her wheezing. It was a rustling, or perhaps a scratching. It was hard to tell and she couldn't see anything in the darkness of her own creation.
Jay slowly pushed herself to her feet, wiping bits of dirt from her face. Small rocks had dug into her forearms and the palms of her hands. She brushed them away, waiting to hear another noise or for her doppelganger to reappear. Jay didn't know what to do. She was so far into the dreamscape that she wasn't sure of where she was anymore and she didn't know if she could even begin to find her way back to the moor in the dark. Or if she even had the strength left to take herself back into the real world. That thought made her breath catch and Jay felt a warm tear slide down her cheek.
As panic started to set in, a noise came from the trees once more. This time it was a louder and much, much closer. Jay whirled towards it, glimpsing a large shadow between the trees. The shape was large and eerily familiar. She backpedaled as she watched the hulking shape approach. As she slammed into the hard wood of a hoary old cedar tree, a scream erupted from her throat and the shadow in the forest came roaring towards her.
Jay wanted to run but found that she couldn't move. All she could do was stare into the blackness as the figure approached. Squirming against the tree, trying to win back control, she screamed again, hoping it would drive the creature away.
It didn't. The scream only drove it forward and it was upon her in a matter of seconds. All she could remember was a pair of massive gray eyes and an icy breath upon her neck before the world around her faded and she was gone.