s a u d a d e
loved and then lost
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BY THE TIME I RETURNED home, Ayden was far out of my mind. All I could focus on was the chill pulsating through my hand; the ripple of regret that followed shoving Caspian away.
I'd only just got him back in my life, if only temporarily, but if I kept acting out the way I did, he would eventually get sick of forgiving me. Caspian had every right to leave by now, and I wouldn't be able to bring myself to stop him.
Shit.
I couldn't look more dejected at the thought if I tried―head in my hands, elbows pressed to the kitchen island, watching time tick on with Dyl in the corner of my eye, still stubbornly mute where I was concerned.
Not everything could be fixed by the snapping of fingers, but if nothing else, I wanted to sort what I'd done to Caspian, because I'd ruined that above all else, and despite everything, it niggled me. I owed at least that to him, because he was consistently there for me, even when I hadn't wanted him to be.
Remaining undisturbed in the kitchen, I scaled the cupboards to collect a recipe book from the top shelf and set it on the island. I flicked through it with haste, biting my lip and hoping the waves of pain that followed would send a surge of invigoration to my mind, inspiring the motivation to bake.
A list of instructions for chocolate shortbread lay open atop the counter as I searched the kitchen for utensils and ingredients and carelessly stacked them, in a strewn mess across the island.
Aching nostalgia expelled through my lips as I sighed, remembering long afternoons in Caspian's old kitchen; his older sister supervising as we commandeered the kitchen with eager hands and surges of enthusiasm―fingers snatching for spoons and bowls and ingredients, making messes we were always made to clean up afterwards.
Then, after all was done, we used to collapse on his sofa, pressing fresh-baked shortbread into fond, sticky smiles, while watching mindless cartoons, happy in each other's company.
My little brother would then call, try to hang out with us while I'd push him away; Primary school days had been picture-perfect, and I wished I could have appreciated it more while it was still around.
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Crouched and impatient, I watched the golden interior of the oven glow. The aroma was beginning to protrude from the crevices of the door in curls of warm air, scented softly with euphoria.
It was the aching familiarity of being secure; of knowing where you stood within the frameworks of life and being content with such―of living and loving without having to know the weight that each of those worlds held, because you did both so freely and beautifully and instinctively, because you didn't need to be taught what you already knew.
With my mother, I'd always forgotten. It was Caspian who had always reminded me, even to the point where we parted―you should always love your family; they're the ones who taught you what it is, aren't they?―and though I never had agreed and never would, there was something to be said for loving the people that taught you what love was, whether it was family or friends.
Snapping me out of my thoughts, the oven beeped like rapid-fire beside my ear, but still I was encased in safety. Being able to care about the people I loved; that was freedom, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
With warm, silky-sweet air flowing over my head, I reached into the oven with gloved hands and slid the tray out from the gaping interior, setting it over the cold grids of the stove to allow the shortbread to cool, while I grabbed a basket to serve them in.
With the slightly ajar window allowing the cool fingers of rain-laced Autumn zephyrs to creep in, the baked treats cooled relatively quickly, enough for me to scrape them from the baking paper and into the basket.
I held it with steady hands, not quickening my pace in any urge to see Caspian. Though the dizzying, euphoric smell was threatening to claw at my lungs with the depths of memories it wanted to drag me back to, I stood and bore it, until came the time I could tear my eyes from the basket and to his door, hoping it was him who answered.
My knuckles rapped against the wood, and my prayers were answered as it was Casp who eased it open, his gaze falling upon me instantly.
"Tia?" His eyebrows crinkled together in confusion, as his gaze dropped lower, to the basket in my hands. "Chocolate shortbread?"
"The two and only," I replied, terse.
A faint smile quirked at his lips. "You didn't have to bring food you know. Just you is fine."
"But I'm the worst person in the world," I countered. "This is the least I could do,"
"Okay." The smile widened, and small dimples formed into his cheeks as he backed out of the doorway. "Come in, and sit down. I'll be right back."
I obeyed him, setting the basket down on the coffee table and perching myself on the sofa, where I'd last sat when he'd been there to clean my wounds and offer me hot chocolate; kind, typical hospitality that I'd been reluctant to accept, all because of a grudge that had yet to die.
He was quick to return, slouching on the sofa beside me and kicking one leg out, near jabbing into my thigh. One long arm extended; hand scooping into the basket, and his fingers curving, retrieving two biscuits. Ever the generous, Caspian pressed one into my palm before lifting the other to his lips and taking the first bite.
"Tastes good," He complimented, swallowing the first mouthful. "So, what's this about you being the worst person in the world?"
"I..." I flopped back onto his sofa with a sigh, pulling my legs to my chest and kicking one out atop his. "shouldn't have taken my anger out on you. With Ayden, I mean. The hand-holding did help, and it was unfair of me to push you away."
"It's fine." His eyes were too soft, too kind, only perpetuating the remorse I felt at my actions. "I know you didn't mean it."
"Yeah, well." I allowed my teeth to sink into my first bite of shortbread; the sugary snack dissolving over my tongue in swirls of deliciousness before I swallowed the dainty mouthful. "You can't forgive me every time I get annoyed at you for no reason."
"I can," He argued, half-laughing. "And I wouldn't say it was for no reason. It was after you saw Ayden that you were annoyed...Why was that, anyway?"
I sighed, swallowing another demure bite of the shortbread.
"You know how he's going out with Elizabeth?" I asked, waiting for Caspian to nod before I continued. "Well, before that...I'd been talking to him. Me, and somebody else, but it wouldn't be fair to say."
"You were going to go out with him?" Caspian asked, as if for confirmation, and ashamed, I nodded.
"Well, I wanted to. Still do. But I guess he was talking to Elizabeth and this other person at the same time as me, and he made his choice," I said. "I'm just pissed off that he couldn't be honest with any of us. I don't know if Elizabeth knows, but I'll bet she doesn't."
"That sucks." He nodded his head in sympathy, drumming his fingers against the leather armrest.
I nodded my head in agreement, reaching for another shortbread, when a sudden slam of the door had my body jerking back and the biscuit slipping from my fingers, plummeting back into the basket with the rest. "What the―."
"It's just Em." Caspian sighed, sinking into the cushions. A smirk sidled onto his lips as he asked, "Did she scare you?"
I flipped him the middle finger in response. He laughed, and following the sound of his happiness, his elder sister Emily entered the room, hovering over her little brother and flicking him in the forehead.
"Fuck off," He groaned, pushing her hand away. "You're embarrassing me."
"Nonsense," Emily replied smugly. "I think your girlfriend is enjoying the show―wait, holy shit, Katya?"
"That's me," I said, a half-awkward smile edging onto my lips. "And I'm not his girlfriend. We're not even friends."
"Only in his dreams," She retorted, and I laughed, shaking my head.
"Em," Casp muttered, tipping his head back over the armrest to meet her gaze parallel. "Can you stop being annoying and get me a drink?"
"Okay, baby bro." She grinned. "What do you want? And what does Kat want?"
"I'll have lemonade, and ask her what she wants, I don't dictate her drinking," He replied, and even horizontal, I could tell there was a smile curving round his lips.
"I approve," She responded. "So, Kat, what do you want?"
"Um, is there any apple juice?" I asked, and she nodded.
"I'll be right back," She then announced, leaving Caspian and I alone again, if only for the span of her going to the kitchen and back.
Caspian crawled back into an upright position, mussing up his hair and scowling at the receding figure of his sister, facing me once more with embarrassment writhing across his face, tinging his cheeks pink.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," He muttered, eyes dipping away from mine.
"I'm not." Amused, I grinned at his expense. "Aw, I missed your sister. And her undying love for her baby brother, of course."
"Of course," He replied, biting down on the smile that threatened his features. "The only one she loves more than me is Jay-Jay," He added with a wink.
At that point, Em returned, immediately crowing her refusal as she set our drinks down and slung her legs over the armrest behind Caspian and ruffled his hair. "Aw, baby bro, of course I don't love Ells more than you! You're my fave." She blew a kiss, to which he slapped her hand away, not even turning around.
"Shut up, Em." He groaned once more. "Just go back to bed. Please."
"Okay, fine." She slipped off her legs and crouched down beside him. "Night, Casp. Night, Kat."
"Night." Caspian turned his head momentarily to kiss her cheek, before batting her away. Fond, she smiled, before turning and disappearing into her room for the night. "You should probably go back too, you know," He added, addressing me.
"Yeah, probably," I concurred, catching a glimpse of the time. Ten thirty-seven PM was spelled out in luminescent red strokes on the digital clock. Another beat, and it was ten thirty-eight. "Thanks, Caspian."
"No problem." He stood up when I did. "I'll walk you back."
"Next door?" I raised my eyebrows, a mocking, disbelieving laugh spilling from my lips, and he joined in more sweetly, nodding his head. "Okay, whatever you say."
We made it as far as the wall between his door and mine before he stopped me, holding me back just by calling my name. I stopped as the nostalgic nickname escaped his lips, allowing it to wash over me before I turned around and faced my friend with a smile.
Caspian's eyes were tired in the only visible light, but the smile on his face as fresh as a daisy. One arm braced against the wall; the other hung by his side, and I was glad to see that he enjoyed my company as much as I was once again beginning to enjoy his.
"I..." He hesitated. "think that you shouldn't bother yourself with Ayden. He's an idiot, for stringing you, and Elizabeth, and the other person along. Besides, I think he made the wrong choice, but..." His eyes dipped downward, then flickered back up to meet mine. "Maybe I'm glad he did."
"You know what? Me too. Maybe if he did, we wouldn't be...acquaintances now. Butterfly effect, and all that," I considered thoughtfully, and Caspian released a short burst of a chuckle.
"Yeah. We probably wouldn't be," He agreed, eyes half-closing in lethargic affection. When I didn't respond instantly, he just shook his head. "Oh my god, come here, Ice-Queen."
All of a sudden, Caspian's arms hooked around my waist, pulling me close, and a short laugh escaped me as I stumbled into his embrace; my hands bracing against his chest to steady myself before looping them around his back and curving my fingers around his shoulder blades.
He held me tight, tighter than I expected, and I had to be the one to push away.
One hundred times over, I had underestimated what we were.
Maybe we were friends.
"Night, Ice-Queen." He nudged me toward the door. "Sleep well, okay?"
"Okay." I entered Ella's flat, shooting him one last glance over my shoulder before the door fell shut beside me. "Night, Caspian."
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[prettyveins] is typing...
It feels like it's been forever since I've thought about anything but exams! But this is a cute chapter, and the draft is coming along pretty nicely as well, as well as some other writing I've been doing...
AnnaSophia Robb as Emily Lucas! x