(Modern, bitch
I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL IT BUT TRIGGER WARNING: SOMEONE KERMITS SUICIDE AND IT'S LIKE THE MAIN POINT OF THIS FIC AND IT'S SAD
SAD NIBBA HOURS
ALSO: IF YOU DON'T LIKE GIRLS THIS MIGHT BE AWKWARD BECAUSE HaHA GOT SOME EVANGELINE SHIT IN HERE)
You twirl a pencil in your hand, not paying attention to the lesson the teacher attempted to teach. Between your thighs laid a phone, something you used to communicate with your friends.
Mare: New kid??? Maven??? Hello???
You smiled a bit. The new student who always got assigned to the back of the class happened to be in most of your classes. The one with the piercing blue eyes that preferred to stay closed. The new hottie in the school ground. Plus, being attached to Tiberias? Hello? Goals.
You look behind you for only a second. He's sleeping. His eyes really do to prefer to stay closed.
You: Inb4 he wakes up and gets another detention
Group chats have never been your thing. But ones with Mare, Evangeline, Iris, and Heron are things you live for.
Iris: Sleeping again? How path3t1c
Heron: Valid mood thooough
Evangeline: you have been canceled
A laugh escapes your lips, which you covered with your hands. You made a quick glance to your teacher, who was scanning the room. Little mischievous me, you think. You drop your phone in between your thighs, cleaning them so it doesn't escape you. You keep your eyes on the paper. Your teacher's gaze passes you, not suspecting a thing. An evil mental laugh echoes in your head.
Every bit of every word that falls out of my mouth
"Mr. Teacher Man, can I please ask for some help. I'm new and all, of course? I'm wondering if (Y/N). Can help me get through this work." The new Maven kid asked while leaning into his chair. You raise your head, looking back at him. He bites his lip. Such a fucking bad boy.
You: deadass you cannot believe what just happened
Your teacher squints his eyes, before nodding hesitantly. This is so stupid, you think. What is the meaning of this? Maven moves his seat to a nearby desk. All of the desks in the room are arranged in groups, so Maven had a desk that was right next to you.
"Why?" You ask him. You trace your finger along the rim of your phone, staring into Maven's eyes. He smirks to himself, his bad boy eyes reflecting the same mischief you have.
"I figured if I sat here it would be easier for you to sneak that phone. What is that? An iPhone? Outdated." He comments. You smile to yourself. No, stop smiling. This is so stupid. His like this rebel trying to be cool. Don't let it get to you.
"Moron," you reply back, opening back up your phone. He lets out a small chuckle before positioning his body so it didn't face the teacher and covered you like a champ.
I swear is nothing but the truth
Even if you were trying to act cool, you couldn't stop smiling. Something about the way Maven made you feel was driving you wild.
You: This man is killing me help
Mare: Current mood
"Thank you," you whisper to him. He looks up at you with a smile. You hate making eye contact with him. It feels like you're staring at the devil. You continue staring at your phone, having fun with your friends.
You: I would never lie. I think this boy is a catch
Iris: Don't fall for him
Evangeline: He won't catch you. You're going to fall to your death
Mare: Headass
Iris: Just pretend like you don't like him. be mean. That's what you're good at
Evangeline: WE are the popular kids. We don't know how to love
Heron: Say it again to the people for the back
So sugar is more salty than sweet
You stare at your desk in the next class, thinking about Maven. You think about what Evangeline said. It's true, you all are considered the popular kids in the school. Would it really be so bad to have a little fun with a rodent? Would it really mess up your little social status? Will you be clinically removed from the "hot ass" list?
Is this really a liking you are taking on? How do you know you aren't faking it? God, this is so pathetic. You'll just leave it alone for now. For now. Leave it alone. Yep. God, not as easy as it sounds.
And salt is way too sweet for me
Evangeline pokes you with her pencil, laughing to herself. You get out of zoned state, looking into her stormy eyes. She leans close to you, putting a lock of your hair behind your ear.
"Don't think about him, sunshine." She whispers. Your heart starts to beat. Of course. Don't think about it. Think about food instead. That's better. You smile at her. Slowly, she puts her hand over yours. "You'll regret it soon enough."
So hot are winters blowing through the air
You love sitting outside with the girls. You always feel involved. They are the nicest friends you've ever had. You all sit outside in your summer clothes and sunglasses. You all have your unique slurpee's in your hands as you talk about the lives you want to live. You smile to yourself, trying not to think of Maven. But he's such a charmer. Such a hot bad boy to think about.
"I'll marry rich," you add to the constant chatter of your posé. Iris lets out a small, deep laugh before taking a sip from her calorie filled drink.
"And die young, from the rate you're going." Heron comments on. Mare laughs a little longer than the others, making deep eye contact with you.
"The rate she's going? Especially with that little rodent in our school." She coos. You can feel your face turning red. Your first thought is to get defensive. You wanted to yell, no way, and shove your face in your hands. But that isn't what popular bitches do. They think before they act.
"Oh? I got over it," you say. Everything you say is the truth. Everything. That's kind of what you're known for. So this has to be the truth to. Just get over him and it'll be easy. It's not like putting on the same shirt everyday type of easy, but you'll manage. It's complicated.
"The truth, ladies, and gentlemen, as false as it may be." Heron laughs. You laugh, putting the straw of your drink to your lips. Kill me, you think.
I hate you right down to the bone
"You suck at this, go jack off in the bathroom, virgin, I got this." You whisper to Maven. It's science, and you're supposed to be doing a small project in class. You're supposed to be measuring a certain length of a string, and Maven doesn't really have steady hands. He blinks his eyes multiple times, surprised by the little outburst. It's a new insult, really. He hasn't heard that before.
"Okay, princess." He replies while throwing his hands in the air. He just leans back in the chair, putting a pencil to his mouth as he watches you. Honestly, he feels kind of hurt. Maybe you aren't as unique as he thought you were. But he won't give up. He feels different when he's around you. You aren't like the rest of them.
I don't want you to be by me I hope you'd just leave
"I'm your queen," you smile mockingly at him. He laughs. And sadly, you do too. In your head, you meant it as an insane as you mockingly smile at his pheasant ways. It turned into a joke, a way that got you closer to him. Is your brain doing this on purpose? What is he doing to you? You think about not thinking about him so much that it makes you think about him more.
You take a deep breathe, though. You settle your mind. You just need to sit down and calm yourself. So in your seat, where you rest, you close your eyes. Maven squints his eyes, smiling to himself as he watches you sit up straight.
And in a flash forget your everything
Not a single a find will remind of you at all
"Don't talk to me I'm meditating." You state. Gone, you erased your feelings. Easy as that. They won't ever return ever again. You shake your head and open your eyes. You look at Maven. He smiles. You don't smile back, just snicker before returning to work.
And after the class, when you ditch 7th period to hang out with Iris and Evangeline, you feel safe. You never thought about Maven once. You just convinced your mind that you didn't like him. It has worked ever since you were in 4th grade. If you try hard enough, it works every time.
"Do you think you'll die happy or sad?" Iris asks, cheering with you and the ice cream in both of your hands. Evangeline stays to the side with her popsicle. You hum dramatically as you wait to think of the answer.
"I think I'll die with my lover to cry over me. Sounds romantic, and I love it." You respond. Evangeline looks you over, not sensing the humor from your statement. But Iris catches it, laughing as she nods as an agreement.
And since the god up there I know really exists
"I'll die happy knowing I'll get into Heaven, until you two," Iris adds. You nod to that, adding your own agreement to the statement. But at this point, Evangeline has zoned out. Today hasn't been the same for her. She wishes she was like you. Erasing feelings for somebody has always been easy for you. But for her, she has kept those feelings ever since she was little. And every day she wishes they weren't there.
"I wish I'll die in the hands of my lover, too," Evangeline says. She looks at you, nodding. You squint your eyes. There is no humor in her statement. Nothing to add to the laughter of teenage misunderstanding.
You and Iris just look at each other, laughing at Evangeline. That's all you both know how to react.
And someday I know that all this pain will melt away and see
Those days when you don't skip lunch are the days where you get to see Maven the happiest. You see him smiling with his friends, laughing all of the time. You watch from across the cafeteria. Nobody notices. Nobody except Mare, who glares at you when you look away. She sees him smiling too. And unlike you, she doesn't want to store her feelings deep inside of her. She knows better. And she acts better, too.
Everyone will be just smiling on for all eternity
And when everybody at lunch begins to leave, the popular crowd makes it known for the normies to back the fuck off. And when Maven bumps into your shoulder, you assert your dominance.
"Asshole!" You yell. You laugh with Iris as you walk by. Mare gives him a sympathetic look that he wanted from you, not her. His heart beats slowly, getting slowly over the next couple of months.
You made it hard for him to get over you. Every day in science, the only class you have with him and only him, you often find yourself being sentimental. You spend your minutes talking about yourself and what it's like at this school while he listens. Maven is such a good listener.
You, who I hate, with every fiber of my being
Are still breathing, feeling fine, and living on carefree
Inhale, exhale.
"I mean, why would you care anyway? Why am I even saying this?" You say to Maven, who sits quietly in his spot. He grins calmly, nodding.
"I care. I really do. I care." He replies, placing his hand on top of yours. You hate yourself. You hate yourself more than you can imagine. He was reaching out to you. He was grasping on your hand, his entire body getting devoured by the dark.
Living on still as you still breathe...
But you let him go. You removed your hand from him, scoffing to yourself. And after that, you only talked about the lesson.
Every night you cried after that. Would you want to apologize to him? Could you retrace your steps? If you learn how to suppress your emotions even more, how can you know what's real or not? How can you step into the halls of the schools with everyone bowing before you after you did what you did? What is like a butterfly effect? Was that was caused everything? Were there other things, like how he notices Evangeline smiling at you and only you?
Every bit of every word that falls out of my mouth
I swear is nothing but the truth
"Maven? I mean," you twirl your spoon in the hot chocolate Evangeline prepared for you in her house. You sit under a coat of warm blankets, staring at your reflection in the beverage. "I guess I kinda like him still." You admit. It feels good. Your heart lets go of some weight the moment you say that. The truth feels like an angel.
Evangeline stares at you with love in her eyes. She smiles to herself, loving who you are and how you battle your own habits.
"It's good that you can admit that." She informs you. I know, you think.
"But I just want to live in my fantasy world that," you take a deep breath. You can't stand opening up,
Nobody dies and no one passes away
And no one has a past they'd want to go back and change
"that everything goes the right way and everybody does the right thing. Why must we make life so complicated?" You vent. Evangeline scoots closer to you, listening better than Maven ever can.
"Don't hold on to the past. That's the best way to live your life." She informs you quietly. You stare at her, you stare deep into her eyes. "Life isn't always perfect. A book isn't always easy to read. But you'll get through it, and Maven will be there when you do." She promises. You smile. Evangeline has always been a great friend.
Although you're tired you always respond to me
"Do you want to hang out after school," you looked at Maven, "with... me?" His crystal blue eyes light up like the moon. He wanted this more than anything. He smiled. He even cried as he brought you into a hug. This was before the light in the windows stopped being so bright. And the moon began to shine.
You wanted to ask him out the day you got the news. It was after spring break, you wanted it to be special. You even asked Evangeline to help you make the perfect day for the two of you.
"What's wrong?" You ask Iris, who sat quietly in her seat. She started off her explanation by stating that her father was the leader of the police force. This is a fact that you never knew before. Her eyes, once cute, now truly showed how stone-hearted she could be.
Look to the west and see the sun rise up again
"That boy took his own life," she said. You wish you would have comprehended it sooner. You wish you noticed the things you never quite looked at. The pushing in the hallways, the teases you edged on. They weren't supposed to mean anything. But to somebody, they can mean the world. Why must simple things mean so much? Was it your fault? You try to think over everything that happened. You try to recover memories and feelings you buried in the same spot. But it's not easy. Nothing is easy as of current. You never thought you could dream, but now when you sleep, you get lost in your mind. Everything started to hit you like a flash.
You didn't realize how quiet science could be without him. You stand back from the eyes you once had. You look at the group you had before you. Mare was gone. Nowadays, it seemed like Mare was always gone. And there is a reason for that.
You didn't realize that everybody stared at you when you walked in the hall. It was different. Too different. It wasn't until you were shoved against a locker by a stranger is when you never saw anything the same.
Every bit of every word that falls out of my mouth
"You're a fucking slut, you know that?" A boy yelled in your face. The moment seemed so quick that you couldn't place where you were, or what time it was. Everything was like a clicking tock that suddenly stopped.
"Thomas, please." Cal tries to put a hand on his shoulder. You look at Cal. His familiar face burned a thought into your head. He really does look like Maven. Did he know about this? Was he the one who found his body?
"Maven loved you more than anything and you rejected him to his face!" Thomas yells, grabbing your shirt. Your eyes widen. Is this real? How can this happen? You try to scan your surroundings. All you see is Mare, crossing her arms and smiling. That bitch. That fucking whore. You want nothing but to just punch her face in. What did she tell him? How did she lie?
You want to react in anger, to fight him back. But as students start to crowd more and more, you think about what Maven would have done. What would Maven want you to do?
Is really nothing but a lie
"It's not true," you whisper to him. Thomas's face doesn't change expression. An eternity passes as you stare into Thomas's raging eyes. Your heartbeat starts to shake, so you stop. You just close your eyes and breathe.
So please I hope you didn't listen to me...
"Don't talk to me I'm meditating." You state. Gone, you erased your feelings. Easy as that. You wish everything would always go the way you imagined. You are such a fucking child.
Before Thomas could plant the punch he was aching for, Evangeline was the one who grabbed him and dragged him away. Along with a teacher and a policeman, of course. You couldn't get yourself to open your eyes. All you do is listen. The scrambling of feet. The screams of Thomas, "I loved him, and you took him from me!" It was all too much. You fall to the floor, crying the feelings you wished you could have expressed. You cried the feelings you never meant to suppress for good.
Not a single will come true and so dies every wish
Iris sat by your side. But she didn't touch you. She didn't want to. She doesn't need to. She can't imagine the inner pain you go through. Nobody can.
Don't hold onto the past, you remind yourself. Just listen to Evangeline. Just listen to Thomas. Just listen to the policeman. Listen to everybody except yourself, that seems to be the best option here.
You wish to never exist in this world again. Why can't you just move away? Why isn't there a surgery where they remove your memories? Was popularity really worth it? Was this what you wanted when you chose to skip classes over your own feelings?
You, who I love, with every fiber of being
All I wanted was to be with you and never leave
"I loved him more than you could ever." You whisper to yourself in the office of the principle. Thomas sits next to you. And next to him, Evangeline. The principle takes the report, settling everything out. They want to listen to you. At first, you didn't want to speak. but it all came out at once. You thought about what you just said. Thomas looks at you, anger growing in his soul.
"What?" He asks, his voice on the verge of a wrath-filled breakdown. You turn your entire body towards him.
"I loved him more than you could fucking ever love him!" You scream at the top of your lungs. The principle stands up, and so do you. Evangeline puts a hand on Thomas's shoulder, stopping him from moving.
But I can't because I lied then you were gone
You sunk to the floor. You hear voices. All sympathetic. You hate this. You hate living like this. The guilt still raises into your chest, each moment even worst. Every day somebody lives not knowing how you truly feel about him, and it hurts. It hurts more than you can imagine.
"I loved him, I loved him, I promise. I'm not lying. I'm..." You whisper to yourself. You never lie, you never lie. You are the truth angel. You never lie and you never will.
They all watch you. They don't know how to say a word.
Every bit of every word that falls out of my mouth
May be the truth, don't really know
Why does time pass quickly when you can barely blink? Soon it's summer, and he's still gone. Mare is gone. Iris doesn't talk. Evangeline is the only one who still believes in you. She holds your hand and kisses your forehead when you need her the most. She listens to you more than you can listen to yourself.
When you encounter Thomas in the hallways, the encounters used to be filled with anger and jealousy. But eventually, you two worked together. You joined to start rallies about suicide prevention. You both made postures with hotlines and care. You made sure to remind them to listen to the birds chirping, to take close caution to what you believe. You made speeches together, you became closer than you could ever imagine. And you both never stopped thinking about Maven.
And sometimes it's hard to live in the world that will never change, but as in the past when saying something negative effected somebody, maybe something positive can affect somebody in the best way.
Just know I'm living on for both you and me