CHAPTER TWELVE- We need to talk.
It didn’t seem like nothing.
I clutched the ripped magazine in my hand the shiny paper smelt new and was slightly damp as someone had proceeded to step on it for unknown reasons. The glossy text on the pink background contrasted as a bright yellow colour, bold, capitalised and right at the top in the centre to attract the attention of any readers or maybe just Directioners. I sucked in some air through my teeth as I closed my eyes for a few seconds wondering why my life was ridden with complication after complication just out to confuse anyone and everyone. Misleading and completely un-true were the words that sprung to mind as I read the short article in front of me the text covering the picture.
A few hours ago I had been asked a question which was almost laughable as Harry asked it but then I realised that this was anything but a joke as he handed me the glossy magazine which they had done everything in their power to hide from Claire.
“Have you got something going on with Zayn?”
That one sentence almost made me burst out into hysterics, almost. I probably would have if he hadn’t stopped the train of my absent minded laughter shoving the article at me telling me to “Read up and then explain.”
So, being the questioning and demanding person I am I took the mag from him flicking through it as I took in the most likely fake headlines about other celebrities and stopped as the title was only two sentences long but somehow incorporated my name, Zayn’s name and of course, Niall’s name.
One Direction’s Zayn Malik gets with band mate’s Niall Horan’s old toys? Ashley Dawson caught red handed alone with Zayn Malik, new and reformed romance within the band?
I muttered a few cusses under my breath before hurtling the magazine across the room. It shamefully landed in the hall just outside my door and my heart probably sunk as Niall stopped with it by his feet. I grimaced as I just watched him look around not noticing me and then slowly picked it up and his face paling as his eyes scanned the text. Then he bit his lower lip his fists balling up slightly and I cringed as his eyes fell upon me and he folded the magazine over and then leant forward chucking it back into my room so it landed on the chair by the door. Then he raised his eye-brows at me sighing inwardly and giving me a small and innocent sad shrug before walking off and closing his door behind him.
I bit down on my lip hard and then switched it to my tongue as I refused the lump that was rising in my throat. See, complication after complication and I hate it, so much. Does he actually believe it? I guess we looked pretty close when they walked in with me on top of him, but it was innocent, I’d never have anything going on with Zayn and he should know that. But then again, maybe we’ve both changed in our gap year.
“Ashley! Come down here please!”
Claire’s blunt voice called up the stairs and I sighed blinking back the tears and swallowing the lump as I took the magazine shoving it underneath my pillow. Claire could not find it, at any costs.
“Now,” She said ruffling some papers and folding them before placing them on the table. “I need you to go down to the store about half an hour from here and pick up some groceries. We’re running low and for obvious the boy’s or I can’t go. So this is your job.”
She slid me a list and I snuck an eye roll when she wasn’t looking at the long list of groceries. I said nothing as I took the list and shoved it into my pocket opening the front door and shutting it behind me.
As I crossed the porch steps my shoes clicking against the decking I noticed the all too familiar mop of blonde hair with his hands in his pockets and his hood up as he walked along the shoreline kicking sand as he did so. I hadn’t heard him leave and wondered when he did but I shrugged it off hoping to get by un-noticed but of course that didn’t happen. He looked up at me even from the distance his eyes meeting with mine and for a moment we just looked at each other and then he looked away moving his gaze back to the sand he was walking on and keeping his head down. I tried not to be fazed as I continued in the opposite direction down the twisted narrow lane that would lead me into the high street of this place.
The tarmac was hot and brunt through the soles of my shoes quickly as the sun beat down heavily splashing everything there was around with warmth and light. Everything was so bright, and yet I felt so freaking dull.
I was halfway down the lane when my phone buzzed in my pocket I brought it out purely shocked to see Niall’s contact name flashing on my screen.
Are you doing the grocery shopping?
A simple six worded sentence with the correct use of punctuation at the end. It wasn’t a lot, but it wasn’t nothing, it was something. I couldn’t decide whether he was displaying a genuine interest or not so I just decided to be as simple and plain back not exactly knowing where we stood right now in terms of civil friendships.
Yeah.
Want me to come with you? I’ve done it before, it takes a long time.
No, it’s okay I think I’ll manage. But thanks.
I gulped as I sent this the little symbol whirring around and then replaced by a green tick next to the word Delivered signalling it had sent. The fact that he had offered to come and help me showed that maybe he didn’t completely hate me, but it didn’t exactly promise the world either.
Okay, if you’re sure. We’re going to the cinema tonight, just thought I’d let you know. I’m not sure if Claire’s coming.
Now this was turning from a necessary and blunt exchange of sentences into a conversation. It was weird but strangely settling how even now, we could slip into normal conversations without even thinking about it.
I’m sure she wouldn’t want to leave you on your own with me.
After a serious ‘talk’ between Niall, me and Claire. Claire made it clear that she wanted nothing to happen between Niall and I. I was tempted to speak my mind for once and tell her that I highly doubted it would but that’s be quite embarrassing on Niall terms and honestly, I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. It wasn’t like I hated her any less than she hated me for being Niall’s ex-girlfriend.
The boys would be there though. Just ignore her. It’s stupid.
Not exactly sure I can ignore my ‘boss’.
By now I had arrived at the supermarket and was passing the magazine section by the tills and cringed as I saw multiple magazines with that same article that had accidently slipped into the hands of Niall earlier. I tried my best to ignore it along with the glances of recognition I got as people linked me back to the picture on the mags. I really hoped nobody would start asking questions especially if they were Zayn fans, or possibly even worse, Niall fans.
Seriously don’t think of her as that. She’s probably more scared of you.
-
Later that day I was sweeping my foundation brush over my cheeks preparing myself for this trip to the cinema with the boys and Claire. When our texting conversation finally ended when I was halfway home (Due to his phone running out of battery.) We had not had a chance or rather chose not to speak face to face yet today and it was killing me. Having a day where we did not speak for the whole day. I guess it was the whole anxiety thing of not knowing why we weren’t speaking. Whether it was out of not wanting to and choosing not to or whether it was just out of the fact that we couldn’t because we had other things to be doing. Today, I really didn’t know but I hoped it was the second one. I hated all this waiting around wondering what was going on between Niall and I but I was almost afraid to ask, scared of rejection I suppose. I was scared that he would say we should just stay civil friends and not even go any further than that, even though I knew I deserved not even his hand in friendship, I was still scared for him to tell me that a relationship was never going to happen again.
Niall’s POV:
It wasn’t like it was easy at all. Sitting there and pretending I didn’t still love her. Pretending that she still didn’t have me worrying about her 24/7 for every reason under the sun that I could be worried for. We had such a good time at the fair the other day and it was purely upsetting that now, we were nowhere near that close with the boy’s always around and Claire on our backs all the time and I hated it. I just craved to be close with her again, I wanted it to be how it used to be but I knew that was surely out of the question. Even if she wanted to, I highly doubted that she would but if she did, then it would just be too hard. Having to hide it from Claire and the boy’s and the press and just everyone. It would be too hard and if anyone was to find out, well, I just don’t think she’d be able to handle the hate again. I know she’s going through a rough time and how I want to be there for her is nagging at me every day. I don’t just want to be there for her as Niall though, just someone who recognised she was having a rough time and decided to help, I wanted to be there for her as her boyfriend again, but I knew that was stupid to think that. Besides, apparently she has something going on with Zayn now…Why does it surprise me? I should have seen it coming, she’s beautiful and he knows it and he’s just more of a charmer than me. Why wouldn’t she like him? To be quite honest I was under the impression she had a boyfriend back in New York but maybe I just don’t know as much about her any more than I thought I did.
I paused at her door wondering if I should go in or not. Claire was downstairs speaking to some other management person about me and Ashley no doubt and I didn’t really want to hear it. Her being downstairs she would be unlikely to hear us talking or know that we were in the same room together. Yes, this is what it has come to. I could hear her humming softly to herself that cute way that she does and then I heard her walking around so she couldn’t be that busy.
I lifted my hand hesitantly knocking on the door softly and as I did so I could hear a nail file begin to run against her nails and smiled a bit. She was forever filing her nails, it was a strange obsession she had. It abruptly stopped and then I knew she had heard me and there was a short pause before she coughed a bit and then spoke.
“Come in.”
She squeaked and I obeyed slowly opening the door to see her sat on her bed with various bottles of nail polish on her beside cabinet and the file still in between her fingers. She looked up at me offering me a small smile and this was slightly awkward as we hadn’t spoken face to face today and it’s always risky that, because you never quite know why or when you’re going to start speaking again and it’s kinda scary, never knowing if you ever will speak again. It’s been so easy for her to walk away before, so what makes me think she won’t and can’t now?
“Are you almost ready?”
I asked her, my sentence faltering slightly. She looked more than ready to me, but then again, I never did understand all the processes she went to in order to be half satisfied with herself. It saddens me a lot really, to know that she can’t see how beautiful she is underneath all her make-up and everything but really, however much I want to be, it’s not my place to tell her that anymore and I’d really like to know who’s it is but I don’t.
She shrugged.
“I guess. Do I have to come?”
I shrugged.
“It’s a bit late now.”
“Right.”
She said quietly nodding as she examined her nails in great detail probably more as a time filler than an actual interest.
“Um, well just come downstairs when you’re ready. I think we’re about to go.”
She just nodded biting her lip as she avoided my gaze. I hated this. So much. I hated being awkward with her and I just wanted things to at least be how they were at the fair the other day but really, I didn’t see that happening anytime soon.
I was halfway down the stairs when I heard Claire’s voice talking back in long sentences to another male voice of whom I could only assume to be the other distant member of management I had only met once or twice that had arrived earlier to talk through schedules with her. I was getting seriously fed up with Claire, the same old cold and hard glares she gave Ashley and the way she muttered things under her breath mostly insults relating to Ashley, if she really didn’t like her then why did she employ her in the first place? Not that I was complaining, it was nice to have Ashley just there but I hated it being like this and I hated the way Claire treated her.
“I just don’t think we’re being strict enough Dave.”
She was saying and I furrowed my brow as I leant against the bannister checking around me to make sure I wasn’t being watched myself.
“Why? Claire they’ve been split up for almost a year. It’s not like they’re suddenly going to run off together is it? If they say they’ve got nothing going on, then you should take it as they haven’t. Besides, when would they have time to? You’re with Niall practically all the time I don’t see any opportunities for them.”
They didn’t have to mention it directly for me to know after listening to a few sentences that this was no doubt another conversation about Ashley and I. Do you know what? I really wish we had something to hide but the reality is that we don’t and Claire is really over-reacting.
“I don’t think you understand the seriousness of this Dave.”
“Claire, this is hardly serious. If everyone was to be isolated from their ex’s do you think that’d go down well? No. You hired the girl, it’s your fault that she’s working for you, and she’s working right next to him. What are you actually afraid of happening?”
“I…I just don’t think we can afford for them to fall in love again. That is all.”
There was a pause and I was then definite that she had done her fair share of research on Ashley and I and the relationship we shared last year. For her to speak about it like this meant she definitely knew we were more to each other than just a summer fling and I think she knew that back then, our relationship was deadly serious and she knew that if we were to fall in love again, then breaking us up for a second time, would not be as easy as the first. But then again, if we ever did, I wasn’t the one who had to fall and go through that process again, it was her, because I never did fall out of it.
“Are you serious? Claire I am beginning to wonder if you’re really in this for the image of the band or yourself.”
Dave suggested and I raised my eye-brows now taking a seat on the stairs as I realised this was quite the interesting conversation to eavesdrop on.
“Whatever are you suggesting David?”
Dave chuckled and I was beginning to think that maybe I kinda liked this guy.
“Oh please don’t act like everyone hasn’t noticed. You like Niall and you feel threatened by Ashley because she’s his ex-girlfriend, don’t you? Go on, admit it.”
Well this is juicy.
“I…I have no idea what you’re talking about. I have to go, the boy’s and I…and, ahem, Ashley are going to the cinema. We shall discuss this further later…And wipe that smile off your face right now.”
I almost laughed at this. This was almost funny. But then I remembered what she was trying to do. Isolate Ashley and I from each other completely. I didn’t care if she wasn’t my girlfriend and if she didn’t love me anymore the same way I loved her, I needed her, however bad it sounded, after her being around for the past two weeks I just don’t know how I’m going go through the senses of withdrawal of not having her around anymore. However bad that is considering the circumstances.
I then realised that if she was to catch me sat here on the middle of the stairs frowning to myself she would surely be another person who would conclude that I was, a bit off my rocker. So standing up I made my way to the bottom of the stairs to meet her all sorts of plans fizzling around in my head of how I could play this.
“The boys are in the car.” She informed me. “Has Ashley gone out there yet?”
She asked coolly staring at me and I shrugged casually already repositioning myself at the foot of the stairs so she couldn’t go up there without asking me to move to go and get Ashley.
“No, she’s still in her room. I’ll go and get her!”
I suggested already beginning to turn around as I smiled to myself knowing this was putting Claire in a state of panic that me and Ash were yet again, getting a bit too close for her comfort.
“No,” She said pulling me back. “I will. You go to the car.”
“Oh cus I really think she’d be a bit quicker if I asked her…”
I shrugged already sensing how un-comfortable this was making Claire and I liked it. However mean of me this was if Claire in fact did like me, she kind of deserved it, after how she treats Ashley.
“And why’s that?”
She asked and I refused the small smile curling on my lips as I thought of a good reply.
“I know her.”
She glared at me already pushing me out the door but I stopped.
“I will get her.”
She stated beginning to walk up the stairs and I smirked knowing I hadn’t completely won but I had at least been able to send her into a little state of tension.
-
Late night radio is always the riskiest. Whether it’s sex comments, disturbing songs or just completely off-their-rocker presenters it’s weird, to say the least. Ashley was looking distant her eyes vacant as she leant her head against the window staring at nothing in particular, her top was hitched up slightly showing her way too flat stomach but nobody had really noticed enough to tell her and I wasn’t about to, however much it would throw Claire off it would seem a bit weird coming from me, just because of what I am to her. I wanted to talk to her really, not necessarily about us because I knew that we both weren’t ready for that yet, but just about her and how her health’s been lately and is now because I know it’s not good and I’m worried, worried sick about her and her tiny little body that only seems to be getting worse. Mentions of her Dad trying to get her to see a therapist have popped up every now and then but she always cropped them out dismissing the subject for another time that never really seemed to come around. I really just want her to be okay and I agree with her Dad, she does need to seek some kind of help but honestly right now, I can’t see all the medication or counselling in the world saving her from herself.
It had gone midnight and everyone else was falling asleep but I wasn’t tired at all and I couldn’t stop staring at Ashley and feeling sick in the gut with worry about her. She was getting better, I know she was. Last year when we were together things were getting better, slowly but surely and now, I just don’t even know where to put her anymore. I winced as I took in just how stretched her skin was over her hip bones that were a lot more prominent than they used to be. The way her collar bones stuck out so much underneath her top and there was probably about three miles in between her thighs. I wasn’t being mean about it, it was hardly her fault, she couldn’t see what she was doing to herself. Honestly though, only because I knew her so well and know what she’s really like underneath the mask she puts on and the cover up she goes through I could still see her as Ashley. My Ash. She had changed in her appearance, her face staying the same apart from her cheekbones were a little more pronounced but it was hardly noticeable. It was just her body that really struck me when I met her again a few weeks ago after so long. Her eyes seemed so distant and her facial expression impassive as she sat motionless staring out the window her eyelids almost seeming too heavy for her to keep open. I just watched her as she licked her lower lip biting down on it briefly before letting it go and shutting her eyes for a few seconds re-opening them with a jolt as we hit a bump in the road. Zayn was asleep now his head slowly caving onto her shoulder but I don’t think she even noticed she seemed so deep in thought.
I then decided that maybe tonight or just some when I had to talk to her. Just about her and her health. I need to at least try because I’m gonna kick myself every day if something happens to her and I didn’t even try to talk some sense into her some when. I just need to scrap all the awkwardness and tension we’re feeling, scrap all the stupid rules and the messed up ways that Claire’s practically stalking us and not letting us see each other even for business reasons. Forget everything I’m feeling for Ashley still and how she’s still got me totally head over heels for her and just concentrate on her and getting her better, or just on the road to recovery because we can’t do this anymore. I can’t let her live on like this. I mean, for god’s sake she’s got me losing sleep at night because I just lie awake worried sick about her and what she’s doing to herself.
How she couldn’t see how beautiful she is without what she does to herself wasn’t the only thing that didn’t make sense as the first few chords of that song were hummed out of the speakers of the radio and I already knew what it was as the first few beats began to kick in and I could almost feel my fingers beginning to move across the strings strumming out the tune. And then the strange sense of déjà vu as the feeling of her warm skin against mine that night and the feel of her lips against mine as the words were sung so distantly yet ever so present last December that night. She had noticed it too and her eyes were closed as if she could feel it and was remembering it too, what happened that night only two nights before Christmas. She was I could tell, the way her lips were barely moving but were forming the words all the same that we had sung to each other on that date, and her fingers were tense as they curled around the materiel of her shorts and I wouldn’t have even noticed if I hadn’t been watching her as a single tear slipped down her cheek leaving her lips slightly wet as it dripped onto her top darkening the materiel.
We’ll do it all.
Everything.
On our own.
Could that possibly be for me? Or for what happened that night? The way her eyes were still closed but a few tears were slipping down her cheeks staining her skin and invading her no longer immaculate make-up. She moved slightly her body folding itself into a more curled up position and soon her knees were by her chest as she curled up into a ball the tears stopping as soon as the song finally ended and her breathing became slightly heavier and uneasy as she slipped into what I could only assume to be sleep.
I took this opportunity to kill myself with worry again as my eyes studied her body and I pictured her and what I knew she was or almost was when I first met her. I knew she was a curvy girl at natural and now, I was probably the only one who even knew this. Maybe that was what she always hated “I don’t like it Niall. Why can’t I be like Faye or someone? Why am I stuck with this?” That killed me, any comments she made like that. She was curvy, yet she was still slim. She had her curves in all the right places without being too on one side or the other, she was perfect and she ruined it, she ruined it because society and comparison killed her. But honestly, she doesn’t even need to be saved from what anyone else thinks, she needs to be saved from herself.
“Hey…” A sleepy and shaky voice ridden with fatigue that could only be Harry’s brought me from my thoughts and I snapped my eyes away from Ashley and to the curly haired boy who was now smirking at me. “Enjoying the view?”
He asked smugly and I bit my lip as I allowed my gaze to fall on Ashley for a few seconds.
“Honestly, no.”
I replied hesitation dominating my tone and he frowned as he looked at her too.
“I know,” He said biting his lip. “It’s worrying.”
“No,” I said shaking my head. “It’s terrifying.”
He just looked at me for a moment pity crossing his expression but I really wasn’t searching for pity, I just wanted someone to understand, understand how worried I am for her.
“Have you spoken to her?”
He asked and I shook my head as I refused to look at her again. This was killing me.
“She doesn’t want to talk about it.”
“You know they say that when they’re really begging for someone to care right?”
He informed me and I snapped my gaze to his.
“What do you mean ‘they’?”
I asked sceptically raising my eyebrows and he shifted un-comfortably.
“Uhh I just mean like-“
“You can’t put labels on her Harry. Don’t you realise that’s what killed her in the first place?”
I snapped and he raised his eye-brows.
“Well I’m sorry but we didn’t all get the how-to-handle-Ashley-guide like you.”
“What are you trying to say? That she’s difficult to handle?”
I shot back and he shrugged.
“She’s not exactly the easiest to handle is she?”
“Give her a break. You’re as bad as Claire. She’s absolutely amazing if you know how to handle her right and understand her. Which I, do…Not Zayn.”
I mumbled the last bit and he raised his eye-brows at me.
“Wait. You actually think they’ve got something going on?”
He said using his finger linking me, Ash and Zayn together as if this made it easier. I bit my lip shrugging.
“It didn’t seem-“
“You know you’re absolutely mad right? They have nothing going on, Zayn wouldn’t do that to you and I doubt Ash would either.”
I just looked at him and we were brought out of our conversation as the car pulled up and everyone slowly woke up apart from Ashley.
“Wait…Should we wake her up?”
Liam asked cautiously as everyone began to pile out of the car and trekked across the sand towards the house. I immediately shook my head shielding anyone from touching her and her sleeping body.
“No. She hardly sleeps as it is, don’t wake her.”
“Well someone’s gonna have to carry her then.”
Liam stated the obvious and Harry and Louis slid their gazes to me.
“Nialler.”
Louis stated simply already motioning for me to pick her up and Harry nodded in agreement.
“What’s going on?”
Claire appeared at my side and I rolled my eyes and so did Harry.
“We don’t want to wake Ashley up so someone’s going to have to carry her so Niall was about to-“
“Not Niall. Niall you go back to the house.”
Claire cut in and I narrowed my eyes at her and Harry did the same.
“Why not?”
“Louis, you do it. Niall come on it’s late.”
She snapped and I held my hands out in a questioning fashion as she began to push me out of the way. I muttered a few words of curse and how ridiculous this was under my breath before shaking my head and shoving my hands deep into my pockets as I walked back to the house kicking the sand as I did so. I looked back to see Ashley’s sleeping body cradled in Louis’ arms and he shrugged giving me an apologetic look and I just turned away, it wasn’t the first thing I wanted to see after how cuddly they were during the movie the other day. That used to be me, cuddling with her during movies, not anymore.
It was breaching two AM when I could hear the soft snoring of Claire down the hallway signalling that she was finally asleep. I seized my opportunity as I realised I didn’t even have anything I was going to say planned but I decided to brick it anyway as I creaked open my bedroom door careful to miss the creaking floorboard as my fingertips brushed Ashley’s open door pushing it open with ease. I squinted searching the bed for her figure in the darkness but her bed was made and it was then that I noticed the open balcony doors and the petite and fragile figure that was almost a silhouette in the midnight darkness. It was a lot like a movie to be honest, however cheesy that my sound. The net curtain was flying in the breeze as she sat on the balcony with her knees hugged to her chest resting her chin on them her back to me as she looked out over the ocean. For a moment I just stood there taking in the blonde waves that were cascading down her back just past her waist now and the way she was hugging her knees so tightly. I figured that she may turn around any second now and it’d be perceived as a bit weird if I was just stood there watching her so I began to walk forward hoping she would hear my footsteps and not become too startled but she didn’t even move as I pushed open the balcony doors and stepped out behind her.
I sat down next to her and even then she didn’t move or spare me glance but then I knew she was aware of my presence as we both just sat there looking out at the moon and the clear sky.
“You shouldn’t be here.”
She stated still not looking at me as if she was talking to the sky.
“Claire’s asleep.”
I told her and she just nodded ever so slightly as she bit her lip still not looking at me.
“Ashley,” I said trying to catch her full attention and she slowly turned her head to look at me and bit her lip. “We…I think we need to talk. About…you know, you.”
I told her and she nodded bleakly understanding fully what I meant.
“Okay,” She said the hesitation and shakiness in her voice. “You go first.”
Her adorable and strong London accent told me in great contrast with mine and I nodded biting down harder on my lip before I began.
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A/N.
How many of you, after seeing the chapter title thought they were going to talk everything out?;)
ahaha I am so evil:o
soooon I promise shit will begin happening.
I still love you bitches so much for reading this shiz and suppourting not only -Picture This but then continued to stick with my stupid self along to a sequel:o
woooww
I was like, in the shower and I just really randomly got a good plot forming in my head like wow I think I may have my first story after SS is finished?;3 nothing's deifnite though!
ahaha i really cba to go tomorrow I'd rather be here with some chocolate or something writing but I've said I'm going now so tough shit for me. Oh well I'll hopefuly be back for saturday:3
see you soon!
-Emily.