Three hundred sixty-five.
That was the number of people they had killed since becoming Amy Larsson. Coincidentally, it was also the exact number of days since he had called out to her for the first time, to keep her from killing herself. Her side of their mind, the organic side, was usually not very good at keeping track of such details, but she kept track of those two numbers with meticulous obsession.
Two hundred fifty-three had been raiders, thieves, soldiers and other scum that they had annihilated in space battles, beaten to death, poisoned or shot.
One hundred twelve people had died when they had blown up Symoa station four months ago.
None of them had been innocent, really, there had been blood on all of their hands. Most of these people would have killed them first if they hadn't simply been too slow. Lars had never counted the lives that had been lost in the battles he had fought before joining Null, and it had never occurred to him that somehow, their guilt might be transferred to him upon their death. But now that Null was feeling like that, it weighed as heavy on him as it weighed on her.
Happy anniversary, she remarked drily, and the pain in her voice seemed to tear him apart.
It was moments like this that he realized that no matter how close his mind was to hers, there was a kind of comfort he could never give her, because it would have to come from outside, somehow. He was at a lack of words to speak or images to show her, so instead he took control of their arms and crossed them in front of them. To an outside observer it could have looked like Amy Larsson was hugging herself.
As they stood on the small port side observation deck of the Blackstar, staring out into the dark abyss of space, he couldn't help but be reminded of the times before his awakening with her, when he had stood beside his human captain. She was so very unlike that man, who would always stand with his hands clasped behind a straightened back, wearing a standard uniform and military buzzcut hair.
She, on the other hand, was casually leaning against the rail behind her, arms crossed in front of her chest, wearing a skin-tight black and white combat suit, and her hair, long and open, was falling forward over her shoulders. She was nothing like any of the men and women he had served with. She had never been trained as a soldier, but by now, she was definitely none the less lethal.
But there were things the woman who was his home now and the man he had served under had in common. She had that same sense of self doubt that came with making important decisions, the same nagging questioning of her abilities and her judgment, the same occasional fear of holding more power than she could control. It was overall a very organic thing, he realized.
When an AI made a decision, it was based on all the information and facts at hand. There was no room for doubt, especially not after the decision had been already made, even in the face of new revelations. An AI would shrug it off, and would continue to make the next decisions based on purely logical arguments at any given time. But a human would go back to a decision and ponder it over again. And over and over and over again.
Perhaps that was what made them such good leaders, after all.
You miss him a lot, don't you.
At the sound of her voice, he inadvertently made their body jerk in surprise. It always caught him off guard how well she could read even his silence.
Yes. I suppose so. Sorry, I can't really help it.
Don't apologize for your feelings, Lars, she scolded him softly, a smile appearing on her lips. It's not like you could control them. That's kind of the point.
She was right, of course. Still, he knew that she had enough sorrow in her heart without him adding his own on top of it all.
Do you... do you think he could still be out there, somewhere? he wondered, as he lifted their gaze up and towards the endless expanse beyond the view port.
Alive?
I was just wondering... he mumbled.
I don't know, she replied. From what you've shown me in the dreams, I suppose he could be. Looked like a tough bastard to me.
He winced at her calling his former captain that, but Null had never been one to pay much respect to titles and honorifics. As he thought back on his time on the Aphelion, his memories escaped his control and flooded their mind,and she watched in silence. He recalled his travels to a distant star system, where the atmosphere of a local gas giant created a chromatic aberration in the UV-spectrum, which had made it appear as a glowing ball of flamboyant color to his senses.
Do you miss these other senses that you lost? she asked, as she shifted he attention to the view beyond the window int he real world, and the asteroids that floated in space around them. They were dark gray with a tinge of dirty red from oxidated iron, probably fragments of a long dead planet or moon.
Not at all, he replied. There are other sensations that this body is capable of which very much make up for it.
He hugged their body closer, brushing their fingertips against the sleek fabric of the combat suit, and she smiled in response. As an android, all his body had been capable of was very crude mechanoreception and proprioception. The human tactile senses, which could make out so many delicate differences between surface qualities, had become one of his favorite things about the body he inhabited now.
So you don't regret it? she asked.
Regret what?
I dunno. Being here with me, I guess.
What is there to regret? he replied. For most of my existence, I thought I couldn't even die because I was not really alive. In those last moments before I was inactivated, I thought, if there is a place that a human's mind - or his soul, if you will - is led to when they die, I would likely not be allowed to go there. Because I was a machine, and I had no soul. But shutting down wasn't the end, and the next thing I knew was that I was awakening with you. That's about as much as I could have ever wished for, and more than I had ever hoped for: a life after expiration. With someone like you.
Alone on the viewing deck, Amy Larsson first blushed, and then snorted briefly with suppressed laughter.
And here I would have thought you would grow to resent me one day for dragging you into all of this mess, she mused, and despite her heaving a deep sigh, her mind now appeared more bright and vivid to him, much less somber than before when all that had occupied her space had been those dreadful numbers.
I'd happily follow you into the depths of hell, he noted.
Not that you'd have much of a choice, Null replied, and her smile widened.
A few moments of silence passed between them, as they both reminisced about their last shore leave to New Elysium and their meeting with Mad Jack, the leader of the colony that was the last safe resorts for augments at the edge of known space. They had gotten into a pretty bad fight. She had been furious, and even from within, Lars couldn't hold her back as she just screamed at their most powerful ally.
"Look at these people, Jack! They're grounded. Birds with clipped wings. Every day is nothing but waiting for the inevitable. We are living in constant fear of Neo-Tokyo arriving on our door step. New Elysium is nothing but another prison. We don't need a safe haven. We need freedom. We need salvation!"
"So what do you propose, Commander Larsson?" Jack had asked her, his voice shaking with anger. The title he himself had given her for her occasional service in the New Elysian fleet sounded more like an insult. She had never been easy to deal with, but that amount of impertinence seemed to surprise even Mad Jack. "What do you intend to do about it?"
For a moment, she met his gaze,unwavering and fierce in her silence, and for a split second, something flickered in his eyes. Perhaps fear, or perhaps just the realization that he would never be able to control her like he controlled all the others who had sought refuge on New Elysium. But she wasn't just a refugee. Neither was she willing to serve as a Commander, or anything else, under a coward like him.
"Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven," she said, as she turned around and left without another word.
They hadn't been back to New Elysium since. They would return one day, eventually, probably with some decent loot to appease Jack with. He always welcomed them back with open arms when they brought him just what he needed - and they needed a lot. Null felt sorry for the people of New Elysium, who would ultimately have to bear the burden of her fight with Jack. Many of the people who had survived the Purge and hid away on that remote planet could not survive without their augments, and they needed constant maintenance and repair. Unfortunately, hardware like that was not exactly easy to come by in this day and age. Not many people besides Amy Larsson were able to acquire what the colony needed. Most likely, Jack would be willing to overlook her insolence upon their return. It wouldn't have been the first time.
But for now, they were on their own. So was New Elysium.
In hindsight... maybe we made a mistake, she thought now, and began to pace around their decisions once again.
Had Lars been in full control of the body, he would have shaken his head in disbelief at this strange organic indecisiveness of hers.
"Ma'am, I would like to inform you that Higgs has finished his repairs of the starboard hull breach and we are good to go," Rutherford's voice resounded through the room, interrupting their thoughts.
The AI usually talked to them through the comm systems, since he spent most of his time hooked up to the ship's mainframe instead of residing within his spherical body. From within the systems, Rutherford could keep a watchful eye over everything that happened. Not that much was happening out here in deep space anyway, but they would get some excitement soon enough, once they left this gigantic space graveyard of an asteroid belt.
"Thanks," she said, "I'll be on the bridge in five."
She didn't avert her eyes form the darkness outside, as if she was still looking for something out there. Sometimes Lars wondered if it would have been better to take on humans aboard the Blackstar, somebody for her to connect to. The three androids that made up their crew were great at their respective jobs, but they were quite eccentric.
As if to remind them of his role as an honorary crew member, Ensign Darwin meowed next to them and rubbed his head against their legs. She bent down to pick him up, cradling him in their arms. Darwin was a chimera, a straight line ran down the center of his face, separating a black and green-eyed half and an orange, blue-eyed half. They had found him on New Elysium, knowing from the second they saw him that he belonged with them. At first they had both wondered if a cat would be happy aboard a space ship, but Ensign Darwin had adapted to his new life with surprising ease. He was not quite as good as following orders as the rest of the crew, though.
Don't worry, Lars, Null thought, once again knowing exactly what he had been pondering, as she scratched the cat's chin and he began to purr. I have everything I need.
Heisenberg was waiting for them on the bridge already. He was a Reaper unit, a former special forces combat android, and the only full military AI onboard - aside from Lars himself, of course. His body was made of shiny metal plates and black resin and he looked mostly humanoid, except for his head, which was bullet shaped and faceless. He turned that head towards them as they entered now. Up until several months ago, parts of him had been missing - shot off by a blaster, presumably leaving him irreparably damaged and offline. But Heisenberg had prevailed and been brought to New Elysium, where Amy Larsson had paid for his repair. He was perfectly fine again now - for the most part.
"Sir, I was wondering if you would like to go over the mission details again," he addressed them as they stepped up towards the captain's chair at the center of the bridge.
She let herself sink into the chair, placing Darwin on their lap, and heaved a deep sigh. A persistent bug with Heisenberg's system made him address them as "Sir", and occasionally with various military titles and honors, to Null's great annoyance.
"No, I think we'll be fine," she said.
"Fine? FINE?"
Higg's voice was so high pitched that it wavered as he called out from behind them. He was the ship's chief engineer and the best mechanic imaginable - not just because he had six arms and didn't need to breath during space walks to fix damages to the outer hull of the ship. As he entered the bridge now, all six of his arms were extended and flailing about frantically.
"I just spent four hours outside fixing up the damage from our last close encounter with an asteroid. Perhaps a little bit of advance planning could-"
"Higgs," Rutherford's voice warned, "Calm down. Captain on the bridge."
"I am aware of that," Higgs snapped back at him. "And you, don't you dare to say anything at all, or during the next maintenance cycle I will rewire your docking station to constantly play those two petabytes worth of horrid Alonian Opera music that were on the ship's systems before we purged them!"
"You kept a backup of that?" Null asked.
"Heisenberg suggested it might come in handy if we ever need to torture someone for information," Higgs explained.
"Well, I'd be delighted," Rutherford chirped, "I love Alonian music. The ethereal sounds of the synthetic harpinett tingle my innermost circuits most pleasantly."
Null covered their face with their palm and heaved another heavy sigh.
Now imagine we had organic insanity on top of that, she spoke inside their mind.
Point taken, he replied.
While the androids continued to bicker, she brought up the interface that controlled the ship's maneuverability. While Rutherford controlled the systems for most of the time, and Heisenberg often took over in battle situations, she still liked to fly herself on occasion, and by now she had become a pretty good pilot.
"Sir, I would advise you to consider an alternative route. The path ahead is littered with more asteroids and debris from crashed space ships," Heisenberg informed her.
"I'm aware of that," she said as she placed her hands on the interface, and the familiar, warm glow of the connection to the ship's interface emanated from their palms upward. "But the only way out of here is right on through."
"Oh, there we go again," Higgs said, with the electronically distorted equivalent of a weary sigh. "I guess I can already prepare the tools and materials for another hull fix."
"I'd like to remind you that it was Rutherford, not me, who steered us into this mess," she said.
"It was most shameful, and I regret my mistake deeply. I would like to express my sincerest apologies," Rutherford spoke with a perfectly impassive voice, inadvertently - or perhaps purposefully - making him sound extremely sarcastic.
Now both Lars and Null rolled Amy's eyes, but at the same time couldn't help smiling. The crew of the Blackstar really was an odd bunch. Strange and inorganic, and yet surprisingly human. Perhaps also a little bit insane. Just like their captain.
As the main drives came online, a deep hum reverberated through the ship for a moment. Still smiling to herself, Amy Larsson turned the Blackstar back on track, and steered her onward, right into trouble.