ii. dreamstate
[ liszt - liebesträume ]
CHAEYOUNG.
The brazing sun that dawned our apartment's balcony made the busy streets of the metropolitan visible beneath us. Jennie decided to ditch me in bed to grab her paint tools at 3 am and headed to the balcony to paint. It's already been four hours and she's not even half-way done. I may never know the mind of an artist but I know how excruciating it is to express the creations of your mind in a way you best know. Sometimes, it never lives to your expection so you do it over and over again, until you drain yourself. As a matter of fact, both of us do it most of the time. Yet everything is worth it because you love what you do, you embrace what you do. This is the beauty that art and music share, it lets you convey your passion in marvelous ways.
"Come have breakfast first." I said as I sat on the chair right next to her and embraced her from the sides. Her dark brown orbs were solely fixated to her canvas as her hands were busy stroking her paintbrush. She didn't fiddle and continued painting,"You look more beautiful when you concentrate." I said in admiration. She finally put down her brush and faced me, "Baby, thanks. But I really need to finish this or else it will come off my mind."
I nodded, "Alright, I'll just leave you then." I let her go as I planted a kiss on her forehead,"I'll be in the couch if you need me."
...
After binge-watching disney movies until 7 pm straight I finally heard footsteps coming inside, finally she's done."Chaeng, you need to see this." I turned around to face her from afar. I saw her smile widely, I got excited myself and rushed with her to the balcony.
My eyes fixated in a mural canvas standing by its stretcher. From what my eyes can depict, I'm seeing a girl in a white long dress with a sheer face, she looks mystical but melancholic. The wind was blowing her dark brown hair to the side as she stands in the middle of what I believe, the grand central station, a clock was there. The peculiar thing about this is, Jennie didn't drew the modern grand central, it was kind of old and antique but it was mystifying, nonetheless.
"I dreamt about it." my girlfriend said behind me. I moved closer to the canvas, a cold feeling started traveling down my spine. Why does it feel familiar? Like I've been there before.
"Did you wonder why you've dreamt about it?" I asked in curiosity as I continued grazing my touch over the canvas. "Yeah. I can't figure out why would you be standing in the middle of grand central?" Jennie's staggering words raised every hair on my skin, as goosebumps reached in. I looked at her with eyebrows meeting, suddenly I felt nervous. "Me?" I asked. She hummed in reply, "Yes, that's you. You were standing in the middle." she pointed the girl in the canvas and made me looked at it even more. The longer I stare at it, the deeper my confusion gets. "What did you saw in your dream, Jennie?" I asked again.
Jennie's eyes swiveled above trying to recall her dream, "It was kind of tormenting. I saw it as a sheer face first. She was just standing there, then a tear was rolling down the girl's blank face as the wind continued to caress her hair. I stared at the clock and found out that the hands were moving, when the clock stroke at exactly nine, an explosion came out from nowhere. The girl's face vividly appeared before me again, I looked closer and realized it was you. I wanted to hold you but everything disappeared in ashes." She eloquently described.
Suddenly I dissipated into imagination, or so I thought. Cryptic images flashed before my eyes, as if it were real memories, I see an old city, an urban coffee shop, a clock ticking like a time bomb, an antique piano, people walking in grand central, a tear drop, a man holding my hand, a girl screaming in agony, then a sound of a crash. My heart ached as if it vacuumed all my energy into dust.
I held onto my chest, "Chaeng, are you fine?" Jennie grabbed me by the shoulder as I regained my stance.
"Yeah, it's just odd." I said in total strangeness. "What's odd?" she asked back with eyebrows knitting.
"Your dream, your painting. I felt it. Like I've been there." I tried sounding more realistic but I didn't knew the right words. "Of course, you've been to grand central. A couple of times." She mumbled, trying to not make a big deal out of it, but I know Jennie was feeling bizarre as well. She's just rejecting the feeling.
"No, I meant everything. Even the explosion." I said with eyes full of assurance, but my girlfriend snorted out of disbelief. "Come on, Chae. It's just a dream, dreams are made to be strange but never realistic." Well, her words made a point, but why does it sting so much? I should just ignore this right? I was in mental battle.
"Anyways." Jennie clasped her hand to gain my attention back, "Shall we go out tonight? I'm hungry." Jennie shifted mood, her face was playful again. I was still transgressed over the feeling the painting gave me, like I should know something. But I need to feed my hungry girlfriend first before anything else so I'm just gonna keep it all back in my head.
Speaking of dinner, I totally forgot that I've got plans with my mom tonight. She just came from Korea to visit me, well technically not me, she wants to attend Cossi Fan Tutte, a classical mozart opera piece which will be performed at the Metropolitan Opera House. Her dear elite friends wanted to waste time and critique the piece, and now mom's decided to have dinner at eight.
"I'm sorry I forgot that mom's in New York and she wants to have dinner with me tonight." I informed Jennie and her expression was subtle, she became silent for a moment. "You're gonna talk about France again?" she asked with her eyes focusing everywhere except mine. I sighed. Here we go again, I thought in worry.
So it's been over a year since mom have convinced me to go and make my career famished in France and hopefully study their too, the only thing keeping me from going right now is my stubborn girlfriend right here. I just hope she sees how important this is to me.
I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know. We haven't talked about it in a long time." I said. She locked eyes with me, "But you're still considering it right?"
My answer stood in the silence that was building up in the room. I don't want to fight about this again, it's better to avoid it while I can.
"You should go now. I'll just eat together with Taehyung." She quickly shifted the topic and ran down to her closet as she picks a dress to wear. A fire ignited inside me when I heard his name, I walked forward and leaned on the side of the closet with arms crossed. "You're kidding, right?" an eyebrow was raised.
"No." She simply answered. "I told you no ex-boyfriends." I uttered in annoyance, as my gaze sharpen. "I told you before that he's gay" She defended with calmness.
"But you dated." I deadpanned, "Yeah, for like a week. Then he dumped me for JK right after. We're gay friends now." she spoke nonchalantly, as if going a date with her ex boyfriend is the most normal thing ever.
"Come on, Jen. Is this still about me going to France?" I finally cut the words out. She shook her head, "No. This isn't about anything. I'm just going to eat." her tone was expressionless, I'm about to blow up.
Clearly, I'm not going to win in this situation if she continues to be demure like this. So with all the understanding that I could gather, I agreed. "Alright then. Call me when you get home."
She nodded and we went our separate ways. No, wait. I turned around, "Jennie?"
"Yeah?" She faced me right away while she was still busy fixing her things from the balcony, "I'm only agreeing to this just because you might think I'm getting jealous. " a smug smirk appeared between her lips, she was enjoying me suffer too much, "Okay, I'll just pretend that you're not lying right now." her sly comment left me breathless.
...
JENNIE.
To tell you honestly, the way Chaeyoung reacted to my portrait was a little bit overwhelming, I tried dismissing her bizzare depiction, because I was anxious myself. I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that what she was feeling might be true, because I remembered that it felt real, I felt the pain of the things that withered away. It was tragic. So it's better to treat it as a dream, right? Leave it to fiction, and just make it as an another source of inspiration in creating art.
...
Taehyung and I decided to meet at Eleven Madison Park, where I was forced to agree because he said it was more liberal and also for reputation security. Honestly, having dinner in a near diner would've been better, I hate dressing fancy in a non-ocassional night.
As usual, young elites were also there enjoying fine dining with their respectable associates, a term they prefer using rather than friends. We've entered the building greeting our bounded acquaintances, of course mostly of them were my peers from high school, the same people who mocked me when I was the laughing stock of the high society back when I descended from my inheritance. It's a pity to see them still being descendants of their kingdoms while I'm already ruling my own now.
I was in a golden Yves Saint Laurent lamë gown which I abruptly found on my wardrobe. Taehyung on the other hand, decided to look bashful in his wine red suit with an always fashionably reliable black tie to complete his look.
The house was full. Dim lights cloaked up the atmosphere with such grandeur and luxury, along with the ponderous aunthentic carpet that gave the place a wholesome grandiosity. To be too lavishing is the unspoken rule that all has to abide here. Especially when your family carries a top-tier reputation in the upper class, there is no such thing as being too expensive. You can take me as an example.
"I'm glad you've decided to finally bonker out of your nest." the blonde friend of mine smugly mocked me as he sips his thousand dollar champagne. "Not that I had the choice to stay, Chaeyoung's gonna meet her mom tonight." I explained as I ignore his offensive words. "You could've had dinner at your mansion, with your parents. Maybe you'd be friends at the very least." He purposely said to annoy my patience. Damn, this kid. "Are seriously gonna be like this the whole evening?" My eyebrow stood sharply, he noted my warning. "I'm sorry, okay?" he muffed a fading laugh, "I thought it would be fun remembering those times where new york was still at peace, and your family were the most adored people on the planet." He mocked with irony again, but he was right.
"Yeah, that's what they needed the world to see, a perfect tamed family with an ever-growing empire." I suddenly felt dismayed as I recall those horrid memories of myself being the flawless heiress of Kim Telecommunications. I was dauntless in power and influence but underneath all that dainty skin was a girl who desired to be free of her passion, a girl who wanted to paint. A girl who preferred living in the tranquil of art and craft than the gruel world of business and high society. "But all of that is behind me now. I finally made my own limelight without them." I added.
"You f'cking broke the high society stereotype when you suddenly came down from your inheritance and swept the fine arts community with your talent, new york digged into your rebellious act and embarrassed your parents. Remember when the Times quoted your drama as the next Kardashians? I totally flipped." Taehyung's words made it sound like the easiest sh't one could have gone through, but no, I struggled a lot getting here. Especially, getting my girl. She was a hard one to nail, but you know what they say, Jennie Kim always win.
"I guess you were enjoying on the sidelines while our family was giving the show that New Yorkers wanted." I said as I indulged a piece of my foie gras beef. "Nu-uh." He shook his head many times, "I actually gained profit from your drama. Maybe you forgot my bloodline owns a quarter of every media publication in New York." He brags with a smirk visible on his lips.
"You're such a con artist, how did I even end up dating you?" I rolled my eyes in frustration, "Hey, I was a charmer back when we were in high school, besides it was a harmless one week relationship." He shrugged his shoulders with a line pressing on his lips. I groaned, "Yeah, thanks for dumping me in front of every social circle I had back then. It really helped my reputation." I grumbled with sarcasm. "Sure, and thanks for letting me be with my boyfriend." His rebuttal made my grumbling even louder. Before our bickering would go a lot worse, I dismissed my internal anger and focused back on eating since I can't wait to go home again.
...
Chaeng : Are you home? We need to talk
Chaeng : about something.
Timingly, Chaeyoung texted me subtle messages as I was waiting for the chauffeur to arrive. I was wrapped up in my coat trying to respond to her message when suddenly my body strangely transpired into coldness as I caught someone very familiar in the corner of my eye. The bad thing was, she also caught me staring. Sh't. This isn't happening. She's approaching.
"Isn't it a bit peculiar for you to be alone in this hour?" Her glaucous evening dress emanated her natural sophistication, she was born with grace. That's why she never fails to carry herself with such poise and elegance, a skill she uses to conceal her detrimental acts. And thank the heavens I didn't stay a fool for long. I rectified my posture and placed my chin as high as possible. She always smells inferiority, and I couldn't afford that tonight. "Isn't it too late for you to have your dinner, mother?" a cold tremor cradled my throat as if calling her mother was poisonous to my own.
"I guess so, but why should you care, right?" she said in a subtle manner. It is true that my mother is a manifestation of a woman with different forces that cannot be reckoned with, but unfortunately for her, I'm an upgrade. "Glad that you know better." I answered back, trying to control myself from the eagerness to stab her ego.
"Well, I wasn't able to properly congratulate you for your successful galas throughout New York. Maybe a nice champagne in our mansion would be a good enough celebration?" Her audacity to provoke me again is unbelievable. "It's your mansion, mother. Not ours. You don't own me anymore." I retorted with intensity silently appearing through my voice.
"Is that so?" she said nonchalantly, "Last time I checked I was still the one who gave birth to you." she added with brassiness. "That doesn't mean that you've treated me like your child." I said in a jittery manner. "Darling, you can never understand." She caressed her hands through my hair as her eyes followed her movement. "Remember when I told you that you can never escape from this bloodline and from your responsibility as heir?" a sly smirk lured out in her lips, I flinched in agitation. "You should start counting down. Now you've lived that life that you fantasized for, isn't it time for you to taste a little bit of reality again?"
Her words sprung my anxiety into the surface again, my bones started to frail, I felt my knees bend in weakness. I suddenly thought of all those years I was trapped in the heiress I was entitled to be, in where happiness only sprung once in a full moon and contentment had never been so far. Fear is pulling me into the docks of darkness again just for a bloodline curse. She still consumes my confidence, my absolute freedom can be gone in a snap. Once again, I am reminded, she's still my mother afterall.