King had been born a week ago. Gwen went home two days after he was born and it had been really hard on her to leave the hospital without her baby.
~
"Gwen he is gonna be ok. We will go see him again in a few hours. I know this isn't how we wanted it to be, but it's the cards we have been delt."
Gwen ignores Blake looking out the window. All she can think is how she failed her son and Blake. She couldn't carry him to term and now look at what's going on, she had to leave the hospital without her baby. When they get home all she wants to do is shower and take a nap in bed, and that's what she does. For the bigger part of the afternoon she completely ignores the rest of the world including Blake. She doesn't even acknowledge that she hears him until he mentions going back to the hospital.
"Yes please I want to go be with King."
"Well lets go sunshine." He opens his arms to her and instead of walking into them she avoids them
Blake couldn't ignore the feelings of hurt and anger toward the way Gwen was treating him, but he just attributed it to the stress of leaving the hospital without their son and hoped that it would pass.
~
"Hi mom and dad. He is doing really great." The nurse says following Gwen and Blake into King's room
"Is he good enough to hold today? I really just want to hold him." Gwen asks barely acknowledging the nurse instead staring at King
"Actually yeah he is. We want to have you hold him today and maybe even try to breastfeed him. That's the next step for him since he is regulating his temperature better."
"Really we can hold him?" Blake asks feeling himself getting excited for the chance to hold his son.
"Yeah Kingston is doing great. We need to get him to start eating by mouth. He needs to be able to take a whole feeding by mouth and show that he can gain weight while eating on his own before we can think about him going home."
"So how long does that typically take? I really want him to come home. Leaving is really hard." Gwen stays holding King's hand between her fingers
"I know it's not easy for any of the parents. Its hard to say but I would guess around three weeks probably. That's just a guess though it could be more could be slightly less."
Blake sees the tear creep down her cheeks. He knows she was hoping for more like a few days not weeks.
"Sunshine its hard I know I want to take him home too, but we will get there soon. Three weeks will fly by." He reaches out to pull her into him but she flinches before allowing him to hold her
Again Blake could tell something was going on but he didn't want to push her. She was dealing with a lot. He was to but he knew he had to be strong for her, so that's what he vowed to do.
"Ok mom are you ready hold him?" The nurse asks
"Yes!" Gwen responds and it's the first time her eyes have lit up since they left the hospital and Blake held onto that
The nurse explained kangaroo care to the parents. Telling them that by holding the baby skin to skin it allowed there bodies to help him regulate his temperature. They had Gwen take her shirt off and put a gown on with the opening in the front. She sat down in the rocking chair and the nurse took King from the incubator placing him on Gwen's chest with his skin to hers. The nurse then pull the gown together and placed a blanket on the King's back. Blake sat on a stool beside them looking at his fiancé holding their son and was completely overwhelmed at the beautiful sight. Tears slip down his face without him realizing until he felt her wipe them away. He looks up at her and she leans forward placing a kiss one his lips. It's not rushed nor is it long, it's just enough to fully covey love and devotion. Little does Blake know how much he will need to remember moments like this. They sit there Gwen holding King with their heads leaned together for what felt like minutes but when the nurse comes in to see if Gwen is up to trying to feed King, they realize it had been close to two hours. Gwen's mind is blown at how perfect this is and how she could literally sit and watch him for hours.
"Yes I'm ready to feed him. I have to admit I have no idea what I'm doing."
"And that's perfectly fine. We have a specialist here that's coming in to help. She helps with all our NICU babies because feeding these babies is a lot different than feeding a healthy full term baby."
"Ok thank you"
.............................................................
After working with the lactation specialist and only get a few good sucks from him, Gwen doesn't feel very hopeful about it.
"Maybe he needs a bottle. Like maybe that would be easier for him."
"Miss Stefani he did great for the first try! Some babies his age don't even latch good at all. We have a few good latches. I'm really pleased with how that went."
"Ok I just don't want to delay him going in anyway."
"And I completely understand that, but you have to remember he should still be cooking so he isn't supposed to know how to do this or have to energy on his own to do this. It takes a lot out of these guys to eat. Every day he will get better and better until he is taking full meals on his own."
Gwen thanks they lady again and they are left once again just the three of them with King on Gwen's chest. The nurse comes in to check on them since the specialist had left.
"Dad did you want a turn holding him?"
"Yes please!"
The nerves that explode inside of Gwen are unexpected. Suddenly she feels herself not wanting Blake to hold him, however she allows the nurse to take him from her and switches places with Blake. Blake holds him the same way skin to skin with a gown and blanket. Seeing the love radiating from Blake makes Gwen want to kick herself for not wanting him to hold their son. She still feels like she needs to watch him to make sure everything is ok. Blake is just so big and seeing such a tiny little baby on his chest makes Gwen nervous.
"He is so little and so perfect sunshine! You did amazing!" His statement makes Gwen tear up and because she didn't it's her fault they are here and not at home still pregnant.
Blake mistakes her sad tears for happy ones. He holds his arm out to her and the need to feel close to her son and the need to feel normal and close to Blake win over. She snuggles into Blake's side placing her hand on King's back.
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Blake had held out hope when Gwen had cuddled with he and King that the distant he felt at home was just a mood. His hopes were dashed as they left the hospital for the night. Once in the car Blake could almost feel Gwen close off as she turned toward the window. By her breathing he could tell she was crying. Normally she clung to him and used his support when she was upset but not this time. Blake could feel her pushing him away and he didn't know why. It really scared him. They had built their relationship on helping and being there for one another, if they didn't have that what would they be left with?
"Sunshine what do you want for dinner? Do you want to pick something up or do you want to cook something together when we get home?"
"Let's just pick something up. It's easier that way."
"What do you want?"
"Can we just pick something up from Langers Deli. I still need to watch what I'm eating since I'm feeding the baby now and pumping."
"We can do that."
They made it to the deli, got their food, and made it home with very little talking. Blake was really starting to worry about her and what was going on. Once the got home they sat down at the table to eat. Normally they are talking all through out dinner but so far she has remained pretty quiet.
"Sunshine is everything ok?"
"Yeah everything's ok, why?"
"Your really quiet and that's not like you. I just wanted to make sure your ok."
"Yeah I'm ok Blake. I'm just really worried about the baby. It's hard leaving him."
"Yeah I will agree with you there. I just wish we could bring him home."
Gwen finished eating her salad and moved to clear her plate.
"I'm gonna get a shower Blake."
Blake looked at his plate and he was clearly not finished. He didn't want to push her or put to much pressure on her so he just said ok and she went off to get her shower. He finished eating his dinner and sent a text off to his mom letting her know King was doing really well. She must have had mothers intuition cause he gets a text back that asks
"I'm glad he is doing well but what's wrong?"
He wants to take the opportunity to talk to her about everything with Gwen but he doesn't want to do that over the phone. He wants to give Gwen time to adjust and cope. She will come back to him. She has to. She just has to, he needs her to much. When they finally get into bed Gwen lays on her pillow at first. Blake knows right now she needs encouragement so risking being pushed away he reaches over to her and pulls her to him. He releases a breath when she doesn't flinch or pull away but settles into her normal place. Gwen doesn't understand why but she just doesn't feel like herself. She attributes it to have a baby and changing because she is a mom now but is she fooling herself. She is to tired to think into it to much. She lets herself fall asleep.
................................................................
Gwen wakes and sees that it is five in the morning. She closes her eyes and wills sleep to take back over but she knows it's a lost cause. She wants to be at the hospital as early as possible but she knows Blake needs sleep. As awkward as she feels with him right now, she still loves Blake and she doesn't want to give him up or lose him. She just can't make sense of what's going on in her head. She decides it's better to go ahead, get up, and get ready since Blake takes barely any time to get ready . She eases out of his grasp and smiles when she sees the frown on his face. She showers and does her hair and her making up before heading downstairs to start a pot of coffee. She drinks a whole cup before refilling hers and filling a cup for Blake. She places the cups on the bedside table and sits on the bed next to him. She runs her fingers through his beard until his eyes flutter open.
"Hey babe. It's time to get up and go to the hospital."
"What time is it?"
"It's six."
"What the heck sunshine? What are you even doing up? And your already ready to go."
"Well I'm sorry for wanting to go up to the hospital to see our son. I'll be downstairs Blake."
As Gwen storms out Blake let's his head fall back to the pillow with a huff. That's not how he wanted to start this day. He was hoping for the normal Gwen not this distant Gwen. He doesn't want to cause anymore issues so he gets up and gets dressed. He takes a long sip of his coffee and takes a deep breath before heading into what has become a war zone.