"Really, Seokkie... I don't know why I reacted like that. I mean, why the hell was I so kind with Taehyung?" Jungkook whines, his head comfortably nestled on the armrest of Hoseok's couch with his long legs stretched out over its whole length. His friend is currently seated on the carpet under the coffee table, glasses on his nose and a book about Freud on top of the wooden furniture, as the good psychologist he is. It looks like he's psychoanalysing the younger right now, and for a moment Hoseok is tempted to laugh about it, but eventually decides against it: Jungkook needs his advice right now, so his jokes can wait.
"You still care about him, Kookie, it's obvious... You were so worried when he called you, you didn't even think once about the counsellor's main rule you had just told me about!
-W-well, if Taehyung needed me, I wasn't going to tell him to just handle himself until next month...
-Some people would have." The chestnut-haired man retorts, "I mean, when you're almost on the verge of divorcing, you're not really supposed to want to take care of your partner. So yeah, you could have told me to go because I'm his friend, but instead you bolted out of my house and ran to your car like the knight in shining armour you are!" Jungkook can't help but chuckle lightly, as he has to admit his reaction was a bit excessive. But his husband was in trouble, and in the end Jungkook was right to hurry judging by the state he found him in, all crying and trembling. He still can't believe how natural they acted together after that... As if they had erased the past and only focused on each other for a few minutes.
"You're right, I don't want Taehyung to be harmed or anything. But it's strange, I mean... A few weeks ago, I wouldn't have reacted like this at all. What happened during that time?
-Well, I think you realised that Taehyung truly wanted to change and fight for your marriage. You see that he's ready to make a lot of efforts for you, so it makes you want to do the same... And more importantly, you're both starting to have conversations again instead of arguing, which is a great deal.
-You think so?
-Yes, of course... Don't underestimate it. Spending time with him was awful before since it always ended in a fight, but now you two are learning to do differently so you start seeing Taehyung in a new light again." Jungkook observes his friend's serious expression for a few seconds, the words sounding exactly like what he felt but couldn't manage to put into words before.
"You're truly a hell of a psychologist, you know that?
-Well apparently I should stop working with children and help desperate couples instead!" His friend exclaims while chuckling lightly before speaking with a more quiet tone, even if a light and tender smile remains on his lips. "But really, Kookie, I don't think you and Taehyung are a lost case at all. It will be difficult, of course, but you can make it through... After all you've lived sixteen happy years together before the shit began, right? It's not meaningless...
-Of course it's not, I can only agree with you... But Taehyung hurt me and I hurt him too, so it will take time before we can trust each other again." Hoseok nods slowly and remains silent, yet the raven-haired male can see he has something else to say but is hesitant to utter the words. Thus, he calls him softly, asking him what is wrong so that his friend sighs and averts his gaze.
"Just... don't do this thing with Jimin again, hmm? I know he did very bad things, but he's still my friend.
-He deserved it." Jungkook answers immediately, crossing his arms on his chest like a stubborn kid at the mention of the shorter male's name.
"I'm pretty sure he already feels very guilty, there was no need to burden him even more...
-He scared Taehyung by forcing him to kiss him and then he claimed it wasn't his fault!
-Alright, he truly acted like an asshole. But still, it's Jimin, not some random stranger...
-Doesn't it make it even worse? He betrayed me...
-Just like Taehyung did. You want to forgive your husband, why not your friend?" Jungkook remains speechless at this, gnawing at his lower lip for a few seconds so that Hoseok takes the opportunity to add something. "Kookie, everyone makes mistakes. I'm not saying that you should forgive anything and everything, but what Jimin did is definitely not worse than what you or Taehyung did... I just feel like he could be given a second chance. At least, he doesn't deserve being treated like you treated him." The black-haired man sighs, running a hand through his hair.
"You might be right..." He mutters, suddenly feeling a bit guilty as he realises he might have gone a bit too far this time. "But I don't feel like I'm able to apologize. Not now, at least. And not until he admits he's been a prick.
-And I'm not asking for you to do so... Just stop using him as your punching-ball, okay?
-Alright... I'll just ignore him, I promise." Jungkook concludes before unfolding his arms and sitting upright. "Anyway, I'm going to pack my stuff..." He announces while getting up but Hoseok frowns and grabs his wrist to retain him, his grip gentle yet firm.
"What do you mean?
-Well, I'm not going to stay here for a month." His friend rolls his eyes at his words, shaking his head slightly.
"I don't think I told you to leave, Kookie...
-What? You want me to stay?" The raven-haired male asks with a dumbfounded tone, his eyes widening and his body moving on its own to make him sit back on the couch. What is Hoseok even telling him right now? He definitely can't invade his friend's personal space for so long...
"It's good to have you here. We're both alone, so living together would be a great way to feel less lonely, don't you think? Of course if I'm tired of you I'll just throw you in the nearest motel..." Jungkook chuckles at this, and the other man offers him a little smile even though the younger can see he's confessing something that was pretty tough to utter. Indeed, Hoseok is used to spend his days on his own as he's never officially been in a relationship. Jungkook sometimes tries to broach the subject, yet every time his friend withdraws in his shell so that he can't get any word out of him. He knows there is something wrong, yet he doesn't really know how to help the older.
"If you insist..." He grins, feeling reassured at the thought he's not going to end up all alone in a cheap hotel room that night, "But you have to tell me if I bother you at one point, right?
-You won't." Hoseok immediately replies with a smile and Jungkook leans forward to apply a noisy kiss on his forehead, making the other laugh loudly and call him disgusting.
"Thank you, Seokkie... You're the best.
-I know, you brat."
----
Taehyung lies sprawled on the bed, his eyes wide open and fixated on the ceiling that he can barely distinguish, as it's been a while since the last ray of daylight has disappeared behind the horizon. The chestnut-haired male had gotten to bed early that night, almost right after the sun did, as he felt completely spent after the events of that day: the appointment with the counsellor, Jimin manhandling him and then Jungkook acting so differently with him had positively exhausted him. However, once he had slipped under the covers he had found out he actually couldn't sleep, tossing and turning while waiting for that sweet darkness to engulf him. But nothing came, as thousands of thoughts kept swirling into his mind and prevented him from finding his much awaited rest: why did Jimin act like this? Why did Jungkook act like this? What does his husband feel about him now? Certainly not love, but are things getting better between them? Or maybe it didn't mean anything at all? Will the fact they won't see each other for a month truly help them? What if Jungkook ends up thinking it's better to live without him? What if he himself finds out he likes living alone? So many questions and not even one answer, Taehyung feels utterly lost at the moment.
However, above all he feels alone. Hoseok texted him earlier that day in order to ask him if everything was okay, and also to tell him he would come over in a few days. Yet Taehyung knows that as kind as he is, his friend won't be able to change anything about the fact the apartment feels too big for one person since Jungkook left, and so does the bed. Everything is cold, and he finds himself longing for the way his husband and he spent their nights a few years ago, their legs tangled in the bed and their bodies so close that they never felt anything else than warm. How could it change so fast? Taehyung often asks himself this question, and it surprises him every time how one's life can do a U-turn so quickly. He wonders if it will change for the best now, he's quite tired of struggling and he hopes the future holds laughs and smiles instead of cries and fights.
Taehyung sighs before getting out of the bed, the floor ice-like under his bare feet, and heads towards the bathroom where he knows his much-needed sleeping pills are. He doesn't like the idea of relying on medicines to help him drift to slumber, so he tries to take them only when necessary. However, he can't deny that the amount he's ingested over these past months has drastically increased... He can't manage to stop though, at least not until things get slightly better in his life. Plus he has work tomorrow and it's already two in the morning, so that he knows he'll spend the whole day yawning at work if he doesn't seek for the pills' help. The calm atmosphere of the library he's working at is always so relaxing... He is certain he will end up napping with his head propped on a stack of books if he doesn't sleep soon.
The sudden light illuminating the bathroom makes him squint when he reaches for the switch, and he blinks a few times while making his way towards the cupboard he knows his precious pills are in. However, he suddenly catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror hanging several steps away, the reflection making him stop into his tracks as it catches his attention.
Forgetting about the pills for a few seconds, Taehyung slowly walks towards the piece of glass while his eyes are slowly wandering from his head to his toes. He can't recognise himself, and his Adam apple bobs up and down when he realises the person in front of him looks like a complete stranger. It's been so long that he hasn't really looked at himself, as during almost three years he has avoided the mirror as much as possible, not wanting to see his wrecked state after Yoongi's death and then how much of a mess he was after Jungkook betrayed him. Afterwards, the fact he was the one cheating also prevented him from taking a glimpse at himself, since Taehyung was afraid he would be crushed by guilt and remorse if he saw the person he had become. But tonight, it's as if his eyes are glued to his reflection, as if after all that time his brain is finally forcing him to take a look at himself, at who he really is now. The least Taehyung can say is that he doesn't like the slightest what's in front of him.
The roots of his dyed hair are beginning to return to their initial dark colour, the strands now so long that they will soon reach his eyes. These ones are injected with blood, resulting from all these sleepless nights, and the dark circles under it only enhance this impression of tiredness. His cheeks and nose are still a bit red from his earlier crying session, as he hasn't been able to prevent the tears from rolling down his cheeks at one point during the night, when he was trying to fall asleep and was dwelling on the past a bit too much. His lips aren't in a better state, red and abused from Jimin's eagerness to kiss him earlier. That overall wrecked and exhausted state is emphasized by a few little wrinkles that he notices here and there, greatly horrifying him as it is a good way to remember that his twenty years old are long gone. He didn't have these before his brother passed away, so that he assumes these last three years' events have made his body age twice as fast.
Acting on the spur of the moment, Taehyung suddenly grabs the hem of his hoodie before removing the latter, letting the piece of fabric fall on the floor with a soft thud, and it's quickly followed with his sweatpants so that he ends up wearing his boxers only. His lips part and a shaky sigh escapes his mouth, his eyes squeezing shut for a brief second before a little voice in his mind urges him to look again. His hand trembles when he grazes the little surplus of fat on his belly that he has gained over these past months, more than often relying on food and especially sugar to help him cope with the tough reality. Jimin hadn't cared, making him forget about his imperfections by leaving red marks and kisses all over his skin, but right now there isn't any hickey he can focus on to help him forget about the rest of his body.
"I'm disgusting..." Taehyung thinks, wondering how Jimin had been able to touch such an ugly body without wincing. A sudden thought appears in his mind the second after, and he gulps wondering how Jungkook would react if he could see him now. It's been so long they haven't seen each other naked, Taehyung is positive they won't even recognize the other's body if they have sex again. But he doesn't want this to happen. He doesn't want to disappoint Jungkook, he wants his husband to find him beautiful, which would be quite a feat in the state he's in now. He knows that physical appearance isn't the most important aspect in a couple, but he's certain it does play a role. Because how can Jungkook want to make love with him if he doesn't like how he looks? How could he run his hands on a body he doesn't find attractive?
Taehyung suddenly feels the urge to change, to erase as much as he can of his imperfections so that Jungkook will look at him the same way he used to, with a loving and sometimes even proud gaze. It makes him feel like he has a goal now, something to focus on until his next encounter with his husband a month later, and a little smile blooms on his face at this thought. He's going to make Jungkook fall for him all over again, he makes this promise to himself.
When his eyes leave the mirror his gaze is determined, and his orbs fall on the cupboard he was supposed to find the pills in, yet Taehyung doesn't budge.
"I don't need this anymore." He voices out, his voice hoarse and tired yet determined. Taehyung wants to change, and he knows the first step towards his aim is to stop ingesting this addictive poison that promises a sweet slumber. It will surely be tough to go without it at first, but he's certain he can achieve it.
Taehyung indeed ends up using The complete work of William Shakespeare as a cushion the following day, and if at first he wonders how he can even survive without his beautiful pills, a few days after he discovers that sport can actually help exhausting himself to the point he falls asleep the moment his head touches the pillow... And what better way to physically change?
----
Jungkook inhales deeply, smelling the agreeable floral scent that floats in the air, before exhaling steam as the morning air is pretty cold. It's quite early indeed, yet he's already been up since an hour: he woke up after a nightmare, and immediately felt the need to breathe some fresh air. Thus, he had quickly got dressed up before going for a walk, making his way through the city and ending in a park not so far from Hoseok's home.
The raven-haired male feels much better now, surrounded by trees and the sound of birds happily chirping on branches. Still, images from his bad dream keep coming back at him: Taehyung catching him and his lover red-handed in bed as Jungkook cheats on him again, his husband who can't stop crying afterwards, and finally an awful sensation of déjà-vu settling in Jungkook's guts since this situation has already happened in reality before. His nightmare seemed way too real, and Jungkook had felt sorrow spread into his veins not only because he had broken Taehyung's heart all over again, but also because he had felt strongly disappointed in himself.
Actually, Jungkook isn't surprised about the content of his nightmare. Over the past few days, he has been thinking more and more about how these last months must have been from Taehyung's perspective. For once, he has tried contemplating everything that happened between them from another point of view, and if he subconsciously saw himself as the one who had it worse before, now everything is beginning to change. Indeed, he hasn't stopped feeling guiltier and guiltier, to the point he sometimes has to prevent himself from calling his husband and apologise, which is a need that he hadn't felt until then. However, he knows that it's not the right moment to do it: he has to wait for Taehyung and him to be face to face.
In the end, it doesn't really matters who had it worse and who is the bad guy in this whole story anyway. Jungkook knows they were both execrable towards each other, sometimes unconsciously and sometimes not, and it made the two of them suffer beyond words. What is important now is to use the past as a reminder of what they should not do anymore from now on, and to build their relationship on steadier foundations. He just hopes it's not too late, and that the love they once shared hasn't gone away for good.
Sighing and stopping in his tracks in the middle of a little wooden bridge, Jungkook rests his forearms on the rail before watching as the stream of water lazily flows underneath. It's relaxing, he thinks with a little smile, it's almost like the water is washing his bad thoughts away. He should bring Taehyung here, maybe the quiet atmosphere would do wonders and that they would be able to spend a nice moment together... He's beginning to think that it's possible, given the fact they managed to avoid fighting the last time they saw each other.
Jungkook startles lightly when his phone rings loudly into his pocket, breaking the silence in the park that is empty except for him, so that he groans before answering without thinking.
"Hello?
-Hey, Kookie... It's Jongin." The raven-haired male freezes on the spot, his knuckles turning white around the device. How come Jongin didn't delete his number? Why is he calling? It's been months since the last time they spoke, which was when Jungkook woke up naked in the man's bed for the first and last time, realising that he had just overstepped a boundary he had always swore to never cross.
"What do you want?" He asks sternly, feeling like he's doing something wrong, that he's cheating on Taehyung again just by speaking to him. Jongin knows he's married: he told him he was the moment the man had begun flirting with him in that bar. Yet Jongin hadn't cared, making him lose all of his willpower with kisses that Jungkook had craved to receive for two years, as Taehyung didn't give him any. Jungkook still remembers, despite the fact he was completely drunk that night: he could never forget the man who helped breaking the last remnants of trust between his husband and himself.
"Well, you see, I was looking at some photos on my phone, when suddenly I stumbled upon one that really, really pleased me." Jongin's voice is slurred and alluring, making Jungkook frown as he fears what the man's next words will be. "It was you... In the morning, all stretched out and naked on my bed. Fucking beautiful... I had forgotten I had taken this picture, but I'm glad I found it again. You don't blame me if I tell you I jacked off thinking about you afterwards, do you babe?
-Jongin, why the hell are you calling me?" Jungkook insists as he wants the other man to stop talking about sex, not when it has been months he didn't get any and that it's getting on his nerves more than anything, even though he tries to avoid thinking about it as much as possible.
"I was just thinking that you could join me... I'm still horny, babe. Are you too? I'm pretty sure your husband doesn't satisfy you... Are you still with him?" The raven-haired male doesn't know how to feel. On one hand he's furious because Jongin is deliberately asking him to cheat on Taehyung once again, yet on the other hand he can't help but squirm on his spot in frustration. Of course he wants to say no: there's no way he's going to destroy his chances to get back with Taehyung. Nonetheless, his sexual needs take over for a little second and he can't help but imagine how it would feel to have sex again, to feel someone's bare skin against his, to moan when their hips would meet his...
However Jungkook suddenly catches sight of himself into the water, his reflection staring right into his orbs and making him gulp as it sends him a judgemental gaze. He's disgusted at himself, at the dirty thoughts he's currently having, and he wonders what Taehyung would think about him at this moment. Taehyung who pushed Jimin away the other day for the sake of their couple, effectively showing him that he wanted to change and that Jungkook could trust him from now on. The latter doesn't like the man he can see now in his reflection, yet he does want to become someone he wouldn't be afraid to stare at straight in the eyes in the mirror. He wants to show Taehyung that he can rely on him too, that the period during which they tried to hurt each other as much as possible is over.
The first step towards this goal is right in front of him: he just has to gather his courage and climb it.
"Please, don't call me again. I've deleted your number, and I think you should do the same... Just forget about me." He utters with a voice that comes out more determined that he thought, before hanging up and stuffing his phone right back into his pocket.
When he looks into the water again, his reflection is smiling at him.
****
Hi!
Thanks a lot for reading! As always, I hope you liked this chapter. Don't hesitate to comment/vote, it would be greatly appreciated :)
See you tomorrow for next chapter!