Losing Shisui wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, sure, I cried, and it hurt about as much as it did to lose any family member. I didn't really have much to compare it to-I'd lost two grandmothers in my past life and we'd never been as close as I was with him, but the feeling of loss was always the same, mourning and all. If I could go back and change it, I wouldn't have wanted to get as close to him as I did, so his death would be more like the loss of a cricket crushed underfoot or something instead of a friend who was as close as a sibling. But that wasn't the difficult part.
The hardest part of it all was hearing the whispers; the rumors. People believed Itachi was the one to kill Shisui and the idea that it was a suicide was a hoax. Even Satoshi started to think it was true, because why would Shisui of all people kill himself?
They didn't know a thing about him. Or Itachi. They didn't know and it was their faults it had come to this.
Well, it was Danzō's fault, too, since he was such a goddamn eye whore, but it never would have come to that if the Uchiha coup wasn't in the making. Hiruzen was to blame, too. Mainly for letting his elder do whatever he wanted and turning the other cheek. That generation was just seriously flawed.
It was all downhill, from there. Shisui's death and Itachi's acquirement of the Mangekyō Sharingan was the climax and everything up until the massacre was falling action, useless time fillers. For me-not for everyone else. But it wasn't something that could be stopped, now.
Everything was a mess.
"Rika."
There was a light knock at my door. Emiko spoke gently, carefully, because she was under the impression I was super depressed over Shisui's passing and the annulment of our engagement. It had already been a few weeks since that day-I pretty much got over it. As much as I could, at least. The loss was difficult, but it didn't hit me too hard. The fact that my Sharingan never manifested was sort of proof to that (at least, I didn't think it did-no one pointed out my new wickedly red eyes if it did, anyway). I didn't even know if, given my circumstances, I was even capable of obtaining the dōjutsu. It didn't matter either way, though. If I did end up getting it, it would just get snatched right out of my skull.
Really, I just spent most of my time in my room because there was nothing else to do. The outside was boring. The inside was just as boring. I just wanted to wait it out and have the Fated Day hurry up and come deal out everyone's fates.
"Rika, will you come out?" She tried again. "It's been a few days since you've left the house. We're worried."
"Nothin' to be worried about, Mom."
"Oh, good, you're speaking to me. How about you go and do some shopping for me? You don't have to go far. Just...get out and stretch your legs."
I opened the door and blinked up at her, noticing the way her furrowed brow evened out when she set her eyes on me. Great. More people were worried about me. More people who loved me that would die.
"Alright. I'll go."
She threw her arms around me in a sudden, emotional hug. "Oh, Rika! I know things are difficult right now, but please try to be happy again! It will get better. It will."
Did I ever mention Emiko didn't exactly have the-ah-smallest chest in the world? And when she hugged me, my face went straight into her boobs. I flailed for a moment, worried I would maybe suffocate and die a little earlier than expected, but then managed to turn my head to the side and croaked out a response. "I-I know! Jeez, Mom, I know, okay?" I patted her on the back a little roughly but fondly, and she slowly let go. I took a deep gulp of air to save my lungs.
It really wouldn't get better, though.
I didn't think going outside would be a good idea, but I agreed to her suggestion anyway and set off to the market area within the district to pick up some fresh vegetables for dinner.
Uchihas. There were Uchihas everywhere. I mean, it was a given, considering where I was, but now I was hyper aware of that fact. They were as good as ghosts, now.
Auntie and Uncle at the bakery.
Short Akira from down the street.
A few police I'd seen Satoshi working with before.
A group of chattering mothers I'd done chores for in the past.
An elder lady whose dog I'd walked around the neighborhood before.
I knew a lot of their faces-more than I imagined. There probably wasn't a stranger around.
Ghosts, ghosts, ghosts. All ghosts. They were all doomed to die.
But that wasn't why I didn't want to go outside-it was the rumors that really ground my gears. And with my luck, just a few minutes after I finished my shopping, I encountered an anti-Itachi group. It was made up of those guys who hassled him in the series, I was pretty sure: Inabi and those other two whoevers. No idea if they'd already harassed him yet or not, though.
If I was smart, I would've just ignored their stupid, uneducated remarks and went on my merry way, but I never was one to just leave things as they were when it involved people I cared about. And I guess I was sort of looking for a fight, too, to get out all of that pent-up frustration. Just a verbal fight, of course, 'cause they were all older and I was pretty sure they all had their Sharingans, not to mention they were trained cops. Who I'd pissed off in the past. I was pretty sure Inabi still had it out for me and wanted to lock me up in jail for something, too.
Too bad I was in a bad mood.
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," I cut in sharply, interrupting their conversation and jumping in as soon as they muttered something about the two boys.
They turned to face me and I crossed my arms as best as I could while holding a fully-stuffed grocery bag, scowling over a stalk of celery foliage that made for a super intimidating look.
"Why the hell do you think Itachi would be involved in something like that? But, more importantly, even if that were the case, you really think Shisui would go down just like that, so easily?"
Inabi stepped forward and I stepped back on rabbit reflex, ready to run, because he was always quick to chase when I pissed him off. That wasn't the situation this time, though. I didn't have a reason to run. But he still looked pissed off. Maybe his face was just stuck like that.
"You shut your mouth, Rika! You don't know what you're talking about."
Oh, but didn't I? I knew it all. Even if I couldn't say a single word about it. "I just think it's incredibly offensive to Shisui, is all. And a little bit to Itachi, too. They were friends... I mean, what do you know about it? Did you ever even have a proper conversation with either of them?"
"We know as much as the investigation gives us," the guy with the bindi or mole on his forehead-I never could figure out what it was-commented from Inabi's side.
"But that's none of your business," he cut in.
"It kind of is. Shisui was family. I wanna know what happened, too, stupid." I nearly stepped back again, when the pale-haired, older police guy in the group grabbed Inabi's shoulder to keep him from lunging. He muttered something along the lines of Shisui being engaged to me before the incident; I didn't catch the exact words but whatever he said calmed him down, just a little. And then they looked at me with eyes. The pitying, unsure kind of eyes, where they didn't know whether to give their condolences or to just let me be, because even though I was confrontational and didn't know how to hold my tongue, I was just a kid. A kid in mourning.
"There's more to it than you know, Rika. And you were close with both of them. Do you really want to hear it, if the truth turns out to be something bad?" Now he was speaking to me with his mature, adult voice that let me know he knew more than me. "It isn't something a kid like you should worry about."
I scoffed. "You be sure to tell me if you figure things out, then. I mean, a suicide is a pretty cut-and-dry thing. Sounds to me like you're reaching, but-"
"Rika!" A hand clamped down firmly on my shoulder and drew me back, away from the three Uchihas, and then I was at Satoshi's side. "Don't take offense to her words. She's still greatly affected by Shisui's passing."
I didn't want him to be there. I didn't want him to hear me say that, to cause any trouble, to maybe make him leery-eyed of me, too, for sticking up for Itachi in a roundabout way and also criticizing the military police-the clan, basically-and a quick stab of guilt hit my heart.
"Dad? I'm-"
"Apologize, Rika." Satoshi urged, tone bland. He probably wouldn't really care if I apologized or not in any other case, but the topic of Shisui's death was something serious. And when I argued with his coworkers, I was pretty much arguing with him, too, and while he wasn't directly involved in the investigation, he was still aligned with their beliefs.
No one trusted Itachi.
"Yeah. 'Kay. Sorry. None of my business, right." I gave a short bow and sent the three one last narrow gaze before walking away, not even bothering to say anything to Satoshi.
He wouldn't trust me, either, if he knew even a fraction of what I did.
A few days later, I found myself sitting at the cliff side of the Naka river where Shisui's final moments took place before he jumped to his death. It was uninterrupted scenery. Peaceful. No one could've known such a tragedy took place here.
I wasn't even sure how I found the place, since I could hardly navigate to save my life, but a walk in the outskirts of the forest turned into a trip to Shisui's resting place.
He'd done something great. He would've been someone great, if everything didn't go to shit.
Hell, maybe I could have helped change it all if I decided to do something in the past instead of making the choice to stay out of the way and let things play out as they were supposed to. It wasn't quite a regret, but more of a what-if.
My fifteen years didn't go to waste. They weren't a waste of time.
I just would have had more time if I used my foreknowledge for good instead of keeping it selfishly stored away as a memory.
Maybe it would bother me, eventually. If I kept this life in my thoughts as well once I died again, maybe I would have regrets. Just like I had regrets from my first lifetime. But, things could have been worse. At least I never did anything that would result in a different, more gruesome or less glorious death for someone else.
This was just the way things were. I would let it go, eventually. Because I did still want to try and get back home. Try to see those familiar faces I knew and loved one more time; try to tie up loose ends and take care of unfinished business. If I could have that, then doing pretty much nothing in this world would be worth it. Had to be.
A twig snapped somewhere nearby, behind me, and I glanced over my shoulder to see Itachi. He'd made the noise on purpose, clearly, to catch my attention. Because I knew as well as he did that shinobi didn't just let those kinds of things happen. They were quiet. Especially ANBU.
"Itachi." I managed a small grin and raised my hand in greeting as he approached. We hadn't interacted or spoken much over the past few years, but there were never any bad feelings between us. He was still easy to get along with, even if he didn't say much, and his presence was calming. Even if he would massacre the entire clan in a matter of weeks.
"Rika." He returned the greeting with a nod and stopped near my side, glancing out over the cliff at the waterfalls. Probably thinking. Wondering. Maybe regretting, and mourning, too. His expression was hard to read. Especially since I was sitting down and he was standing. Even if I was older, he was way taller than me. Both he and Shisui had been unfairly tall.
But at least I was taller than short Akira from down the street.
"The clan talks, you know," I commented, glancing back at the river and stooping forward to drop my elbow onto my knee and rest my chin on my hand. "They sure do talk." There was no need for clarification. But it wasn't quite an accusation, so much as a question. A prompt for him to speak, to say something in his own defense if he wanted, because, all things considered, I wasn't supposed to know what happened.
"What do you think about their words?" Either way, he already knew what I thought, just by the fact that I was here by the river.
I stuck my tongue out. "I think they're stupid. They don't know Shisui like I did. Like you did. And the fact that they think Shisui didn't do this himself, for something he knew he had to... it just kind of pisses me off."
"Did you-"
"I didn't know he would commit suicide," I lied. "But with the way things are, I knew there was something going on." I glanced up at him again and his eyes met mine. "I'm sorry, Itachi. I would have done something if I could." It was an apology for more than just Shisui's death, but there was no way he could know that. It was just something I sort of said. He was smart enough to know I shared their sentiments, at least.
"There was nothing that could be done." He sat down a little ways away and we stayed like that for a few moments, in silence.
"He loved you." Itachi broke the quiet and when I looked over, he was glancing at me from the corners of his eyes, just barely.
The way he said it-it had an underlying meaning to it. Because it wasn't a secret we'd been engaged, and if anyone else had been perfectly aware of Shisui's feelings for me, it was definitely him. But...the fact that he'd chosen to say that had me wondering if Shisui had tried to go and say something involving me when he spoke his last words. I certainly hoped he hadn't.
I smiled and waved my hand dismissively. "I know. It's okay. You don't have to tell me and treat me like some grieving widow. We weren't even married yet, y'know." I felt the smile slip from my face and did my best to keep it up. This shouldn't be a sad conversation. "But he loved you, too. He loved everyone." I reached over and clapped Itachi on the shoulder as I rose to my feet and his eyes widened, just slightly, at the familiar gesture. "It's something we'll never forget. No matter what anyone says."
I held my hand out to help him up and, once he was on his feet, too, I grinned. "Now, do you think you could help me get back to the neighborhood? I don't know how I got here."
I'll be damned if my predictable airheadedness didn't draw a hint of a smile from him.
Everything was winding down-there was an uneasy, yet at the same time, comforting, silence and period of inactivity surrounding the district. It was the calm before the storm.
Everyone was just ready to take up arms and start the fight, but before that, spend a few, precious moments with their families and loved ones in the case that the tide would turn against us, because you can't just go into a coup expecting no casualties or negative outcomes. Even if you were an Uchiha.
We weren't just a powerful clan-we were level-headed and logical, too.
It was only a matter of time, now.
For me, every day was a little tense, a little scary, because I never knew when a genjutsu would be dropped over my head or a katana would slice into me and rip my life away abruptly. It was worse than a jack-in-the-box, only at least those stupid things had a musical warning to let you know when they would pop out and give you a heart attack. This kind of thing wouldn't involve a musical overture-no way would Itachi start whistling a cheery, creepy tune as he tore through the district. (Obito, maybe. Danzo, maybe-no. No. that was way too creepy. Scratch that.)
I tried to hold my head high and act as carefree as possible, though, because it was so close. The day I'd been waiting for my entire second life was just on the horizon and I was that much closer to the chance of being returned to my home world.
I wouldn't lie-I was excited. But I was also terrified of the pain of death. I felt a mounting guilt about letting things go and not intervening when I had the chance. I felt a little bad that Itachi would have to shoulder this painful burden for the remainder of his life and live in exile. I didn't quite know what I would do if I looked Itachi in the eye before he took my life. Cry? Apologize? Say 'thank you?'
I definitely wouldn't blame him or curse him. I knew that much.
The wait was stifling. Irritating.
All I could really do was pace around the neighborhood or sit around at home waiting for it, like an obedient lamb awaiting slaughter.
But the fresh air was much more inviting and just...lighter. I didn't want to think about my impending death as something heavy and finite, because I knew there was a cycle that went on and on, and I'd most likely return to it once my time here ran its course. So, instead of lamenting the massacre and feeling sorry for myself and everyone it would affect, I looked towards it as a new beginning. Another start.
A fresh start.
The flickering burst of a flame near the lakeside caught my eye as I passed through the area on the way home from a snack run, distracting me from those depressing thoughts. An extremely welcome distraction. I already looked deep and dark enough with my Uchiha general appearance of dark, dark, and more dark...I didn't need the inside to match, too.
I squinted as I looked down the dock to see who was practicing katon jutsus in the middle of the day (the lake was pretty popular for training with fire, and a much smarter idea than a forest clearing around anything grassy and even remotely prone to catching fire...actually, it might have just become a the standard practice location because of my little incident in the forest so many years ago) and wasn't really all that surprised when I spotted a familiar duckbutt head of hair at the end of it.
"Hey! Sasuke!" A grin pushed its way onto my face as I jogged down the pier and waved. It'd been a while since I'd gotten to see the kid, since I started work at the hospital and he became a full-time student at the Academy, and he'd gotten a little taller since then. Or maybe it was just his hair.
Sasuke paused mid-hand-seal and turned slightly to face me, and when he saw me, he grinned and waved back. "Rika-nee!" The skin around his lips was a little reddened and just slightly burnt-just slightly-and the sight was a little nostalgic, reminding me of the first time I tried out the Grand Fireball with Kou and Shisui. Memories, memories...
As soon as his grin came, though, it was replaced by a slight pout. "I'm a little busy, here. Did you have to interrupt me?"
Ugh, what a cheeky little brat. I crossed my arms and leaned down to meet him at his height, not really having to bend that much since I wasn't that much taller, embarrassingly enough, but at least I was still taller than him. "Is that any way to greet someone you haven't seen in a while?" He dodged my hand when I reached out to ruffle his hair and continued to pout, puffing his cheeks out. "But yeah! Course I did! Not every day I see a little shorty like you tryin' out the clan techniques. Didn't look too bad, either."
His cheeks deflated a little as he eyed me dubiously, but then he shook his head. "It has to be better."
I shrugged. "Better'n mine already." He shrugged, too, and looked away, gazing out across the glassy lake in thought. By his scuffed face and sweaty forehead, he'd been working at the jutsu for a while, now. Right. The diligence was due to wanting his father's approval. But that was no reason to overwork himself. "Hey, wanna take a break for a while? I brought snacks and you look like you could use somethin'." I held up the plastic bag hanging from my wrist and smiled a crooked smile.
Sasuke eyed the bag for a moment, looking a little torn. "I dunno... Besides, all you ever eat are sweet things, Rika-nee."
"Ah, well, that's not a lie." He never used to complain about that when he was younger. But I guess tastes changed. "Then at least sit down and talk to me while I take a break." I dropped down onto the edge of the dock and let my legs swing over the side of the wooden planks, just barely skimming the top of the lake.
"What are you taking a break from...?" There was a crease between his brow, but instead of stubbornly continuing his training, he took a seat beside me, crossing his legs and glancing at the snack bag curiously, on the off chance that I had something that wasn't a pastry or candy. After taking what I wanted, I handed him the bag to dig through because even if he didn't want any of it, he was still a nosy kid.
"Life."
"Oh..." He nodded as if he understood, but the look on his face said he didn't. Maybe he wasn't even listening anymore. "I wish Itachi could spend time with me like this."
I glanced over at him sharply. Wasn't that just a Sasuke thing to say. But it was so sudden and a little heartbreaking that I couldn't help but feel a little bad for him. ANBU and loyalties kept Itachi busy since he'd become a chūnin, so there were very few times the brothers had time to bond. I knew how he felt, too, because it'd been the same with Shisui, but even then I'd probably hung out with him more often than Sasuke and Itachi had been able to. Shinobi life was busy life.
Still, I didn't know what to say.
"But I'm glad you're here, Rika-nee." He continued speaking before I wallowed in an awkward, uncertain silence for too long. He turned to me and smiled, looking hopeful. "Hey, you said you can do the Fireball technique, too, right?"
"I, uh, yeah. Once upon a time."
"Cool! Show me!" I wondered if this was his way of sneaking back to practice instead of just sitting down calmly and resting like a good kid so he didn't get heatstroke.
"Wait, I don't know if that's such a good idea. I mean, I'm not technically a shinobi, so-"
"So? I'm not, either."
"...Point taken." I sighed and moved to my feet before looking out at the lake and setting my hands together, ready to perform the hand seals while Sasuke also jumped to his feet and stood a little ways back, excited. He probably just wanted to see how he compared to someone else who knew the jutsu, but I guess he didn't exactly know I wasn't that proficient with it. I mean, there was a reason I never became a shinobi. No willpower or motivation.
Or the ability to remember all of the complicated hand seals.
I turned to Sasuke with my fingers laced together in a nondescript hand seal that wasn't much of a seal at all before smiling. "Uh, what was the order, again?"
"...Never mind, Rika-nee."
He would've laughed, anyway.