College, seven years ago
"You sounded great," Zack said half-heartedly, handing me my school bag and jacket.
"I'm surprised you heard us at all. You look terrible."
Zack had offered to drive me home after choir practice, and was sitting by himself in the middle of the auditorium's third row the whole time. By my junior year, I had joined the choir.
Singing is the worst talent for a shy girl to have. Really. I discovered I could carry a tune in the shower, but it took years for me to get the nerve to perform for my family. The World Environment Day thing in high school was the only time I agreed to sing in school. I figured, what the hell, it was senior year anyway. If I was horrible, I only had a year to endure the teasing.
But I wasn't horrible, and Zack convinced me to try out for the college choir.
We were practicing for a Christmas performance, and I could see him from my spot on stage. He looked miserable, sitting there staring into space.
As we walked to his car, he gave me the summary: he and Lena were having problems, and she brought up the idea that maybe they should break up.
"But you've been together for two years," I said. "What new problems could you possibly have?"
"They're old ones, actually."
"Well you did start your relationship with her with a lie." I was trying to make a joke when I said that by the way. "Aren't you ever going to tell her that I'm not your ex?"
He did not laugh at my joke. "The problems are all about the truth. And I'm never telling her about us."
"But it's hard having to remember what I told her. I don't even remember most of it myself. How do you do it?"
This, he laughed at. "I say, I'm not one to dwell on the past."
"So you haven't added anything new to the canon?" Zack was a bit of a comic book and fan fiction geek. "Canon" was his term, which he suddenly used to describe the collection of details about our fake relationship.
"No. I haven't told as many stories as you have, Jas. Most of the canon came from you."
"Great. I did all the work and you just reaped the rewards."
"You are a true friend."
He lived ten minutes away from my house. I watched him miss his own highway exit, in favor of the next one, which would lead us to my village first.
"So, how do we fix this problem with Lena?"
"What do you mean 'we'?" he asked. "This is my problem."
"Well, I'm your friend, right? And I'm a girl. Maybe there's a way I can reach out to Lena that you can't."
Zack adamantly refused any help. I couldn't imagine what his problem with Lena could be; he never complained about her. Never mentioned fighting with her. I'd sometimes see him in a bad mood, which usually meant he was thinking something through. But he never said anything bad about her.
He's really mature and thoughtful that way. I thought. He DID forgive me for dumping him at prom—wait, that didn't actually happen.
Sometimes I forgot too.
* * *
"Problem? Did Zack talk to you about our 'problem'?"
Perhaps I had caught Lena at a bad time. She wasn't as relaxed as she usually was. She didn't look like she was in a hurry to go somewhere, but she sure looked annoyed at me.
"No," I said, quickly trying to save myself. "But he's been moody lately. He thinks something's wrong with the two of you, but he didn't say what. He wants to fix it though."
Lena petulantly hugged her binder, and I didn't need to be a psych major to know that she had just put up a wall between us. "Whatever the 'problem' is, it's none of your business, Jasmine. I am done with the two of you, honestly. I should lock you two in a room and you can either fight it out or end up together. Either way, I'm done."
"Wait! Lena, you don't mean that. It's not what you think—"
"It doesn't matter what you say, Jasmine. It's how it is."
"No, please, don't break up with him over this. Please, think about it—maybe you misunderstood? We don't have feelings for each other. You might be seeing something completely innocent and giving it the wrong interpretation."
Lena paused at this, and her tight grip on her binder loosened a little. "Why does he tell you everything?"
"He doesn't."
"Well, fine, but why does he tell you everything he tells me? Shouldn't I come first?"
"You do, Lena. I don't even know where he is half the time. We don't even hang out."
Technically that was true. We spent most of our friendship in transit. On his way to the coffee shop? The library? The Math department? Drive me home from choir practice?
He'd wander over to my usual spots, and if I had nothing to do, I went along.
"I'm not friends with any of my exes. It's not healthy." She looked at me accusingly.
We share a secret, and that can really bind people together. I did not say that.
"Lena, it's not what you think. We're just friends, really."
"I don't treat my friends the way he treats you."
"Lena, you liked how mature he was when he forgave me and decided we should remain friends," I reminded her desperately.
That seemed to work. If Lena's defiance were a balloon, it started to deflate.
"Jasmine," she said. "Thanks for standing up for him, but this still is none of your business."
* * *
She broke up with him right before Christmas, but it looked like she stuck around and kept trying for three weeks after we talked.
I didn't tell Zack that Lena and I talked. From the looks of it, neither did Lena. So now that was a secret Lena and I shared. I probably had to write it all down at some point.
The news got to me on the last day of school, before the Christmas break. I was looking for Zack in his usual spot, and only saw Ramon, his block mate. I didn't know many of Zack's friends, but the year before, Ramon was my ballroom dancing partner in PE.
"Did he leave already?" I asked.
"Yeah," he replied. "Went home. Lena finally broke up with him."
"Just now?"
"They were talking by that tree for almost an hour."
I showed up at Zack's house with a half gallon of Double Dutch ice cream. The sight of me and my gift made him laugh. "I'm not a girl," he said.
"Trust me, this will make you feel better."
Zack, at first, didn't want to talk about Lena. I played the supportive friend and didn't ask, so instead he told me about his economics teacher, the electives he was thinking of taking, and the business idea he wanted to use as his thesis the following year. There was also a movie he wanted to watch that weekend, maybe I wanted to see it with him?
Two hours later, I couldn't wait anymore.
"Zack, about Lena..."
"I thought you wanted me to feel better."
"Talking will help resolve your issues."
"If you want to help, come with me to this movie. Robots at war! I'll feel better after that, I know it."
"Are you sure your problems weren't caused by our fake relationship?" I asked. The way Lena reacted during our talk made me feel she was mad at me too, for some reason. It wasn't fair—I wasn't doing anything!
"I'm sure," he said, vehemently. Was he trying to protect me? He knew I'd feel bad if I had a role in their breakup, but he didn't know that Lena had spilled the beans, and some of those beans had my name on them.
"Well then. I think that next time, you shouldn't even bring it up. I think Lena's...impression of you was tainted by a lie. Next time, just be yourself."
Zack exhaled dramatically. "I didn't exactly think that one through, did I?"
"No." I scooped out another cup of ice cream for myself, finally accepting that we both kind of ruined that relationship together. I needed chocolate.
I reached over and squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry about Lena. You should never again tell anyone I was your girlfriend."
"That's a good idea."