I woke in the early afternoon to the sounds of soft rain and a crackling fire. The typical noisy hustle of the castle was dormant outside my chamber walls. No shouts came from the pastures that stretched beyond my window. Everyone, it seemed, was still asleep.
Alex's easy breathing kept me company as I hovered between the delicate consciousness of near-alertness and the intoxicating pull back to sleep. I shifted on the bed, enjoying the warmth and softness. I could halt the recollections of last night. Thoughts of my family, of Calum's confession, of Alex's ardor... they were unwelcome. Turning on my side, I faced Alex. Three wilted rose petals stuck to his cheek and a crushed rosebud was tangled in his hair. I watched the slow rise and fall of his chest. Admired his boyish smile as he dreamed.
He was entertainment enough to forget my worries. I could figure everything out later when he was awake. Until then, why interrupt the moment? Burrowing down into the pillows, I gave myself over to warmth and laziness. I snuggled up to Alex, inching my way under his arms. Eyes heavy and mind quiet, I fell asleep.
~
I woke again a few hours later, alone; both grateful and dismissive of Alex's sensitivity to household gossip. The rainstorm from earlier had passed. Now bright sunlight and a stiff wind spilled through the windows. Getting out of bed, I dusted the last of the clinging flowers off of me and opened the windows wide to let fresh air ripple across my skin. The castle was awake at last, and the homey sounds of work echoed all around me.
I picked up my gown from the floor and let the silk slip through my fingers one last time. Playing dress-up had been fun, but I was looking forward to donning my familiar, relaxed clothing. I dressed in a plain wool gown of buttery yellow with black accents — the MacLeod colors — and braided my hair in a loose crown around my head.
Glancing at the mantle clock, I knew I would be on my own for a while. It was past lunchtime. Midway through the languid afternoon hours when I toiled over accounts and correspondence in solitude. Today, I had an errand to run. Wiggling my feet into leather slippers, I left my rooms and walked to the guest wing.
Calum shouted at me to enter after I rapped on his bedroom door. Pushing open the door, I observed him as exquisitely dressed as ever and drinking tea at the desk.
"Morning," I said, taking in the scene.
I had not been in these rooms since the first day Calum moved in, months ago. The room was meticulously clean. Papers and books stacked in neat piles. Sparkling crystal vases held bouquets of fresh flowers and were placed artistically around the room. On top of the trunk at the foot of the bed was a traveling case. Tied up with twine, it was a sure sign Calum would soon be departing.
"It's four in the afternoon, my lady," Calum smirked, dabbing at his mouth with a napkin and adopting a serene smile. "'Good afternoon' is the correct greeting."
"Right." I grinned. Jerking my chin to the trunk, I asked, "Going somewhere?"
"I thought I should prepare myself for a dismissal after last's night failed confession of love and devotion."
I replayed Calum's proposal over in my mind, revisiting the moment. It had not been one of romantic effusions. It had been honest and blunt. His suggestion of marriage was purely a practical next step. Even after a good night's sleep, my thoughts were a mix of vague numbness — but I could easily attribute that to my hangover and not emotional upheaval. If I thought about it, the only thing that had ever cleared my thoughts was physical exertion. Either working or riding or the writhing of bodies over a bed. I had needed Calum to kiss me only because it was a shortcut. The quickest way to an answer. The embrace had been useful, at least.
I laughed and looked down. "I won't chase you from Stormway, Calum. But need I put you down formally?"
"Oh, yes. I very much want to hear it from your lips. Take pity on me, you wench! Lance my heart with your cruel words and hateful taunts!" Calum laughed, but slapped his hand against the desk in a playfully demanding way.
"I can't marry you, Calum."
He nodded and took a sip of his tea. "Thank you, my lady, for your answer. Though it wounds me!"
Snorting, I thumbed through one of his books, a rather dull-looking tome on a master painter of landscapes.
"Are congratulations in order? Jilted though I was, I think I did my job perfectly, sending Lord Leslie to you in your time of suffering." He waggled his eyebrows. "Were the gates of dignity and honor breached at long last?"
"I'm not a..." I bit my lip, wondering why in the world I felt compelled to admit this. But it seemed important; some rite of passage. "I never was... that is to say, the claim on my honor was... well, claimed long ago."
Calum had the good nature to color slightly. "Your 'honor' is best left to your own keeping. It belongs to you alone."
Surprised by his nonchalance, I smiled. "You asked," I shot at him with my own blithe swagger. "My mother always made into such a big fuss. I think it was the only thing of value she ever saw in me. I discarded it at the first opportunity."
He smiled and poured himself another cup of tea. I joined him at the desk.
"As you are looking radiant," He shot me a playful smirk, "will wedding bells soon echo across Ellesmure?"
I sighed and stole a biscuit from Calum's plate and leveled a stare at him. "I think you know more than anyone that I cannot marry."
He answered by reaching for my hand and holding it. Nodding. "Well, far be it from me to be an expert on the subject, but I hear husbands are such a bore, anyway."
Laughing, I relaxed. "Where are you going?" I gestured around the room with my half cookie.
"To the Mainland," he said with a heavy sigh. "To help. They say the war is over."
"Apparently."
"I promised you a better world when I knelt before you and gave you my life. Now, it's time to build it. The peace of a post-war age cannot be wasted." He squeezed my hand. "Eilean, I will not abandon you. I will be a champion for your legitimacy."
"Don't over-promise anything. It might force me to kill you if I'm disappointed."
"I would lie down freely if I thought I had failed you, cruel mistress!"
It was a return to Calum's theatrical flamboyance that made me feel at home and easy on this strange new day of peacetime and orphanhood.
"But seriously, I will do my best to make things better for you."
"Do it for all the daughters," I said, my eyes full of hopeful tears. I was not reason enough. Every woman should have the rights of education and leadership I had stolen for my own.
"I will."
"And tell everyone to stop at Stormway on their return. I can do some campaigning of my own in the name of food and baths and rest. Let the other Lairds get to know me."
"Wise, fair lady. Now, reject me again so that I might carry my disappointment like a badge of honor upon my exit!"
I laughed, but a sudden emptiness filled my chest. I was going to miss my friend. "Will you tell me news of other lands? If there is anything I can do to ease their burdens... or if they have stories of my family..."
"Of course, I will brag about you at every inn and with every farmer. I will sing your virtues to every Laird and Master."
"How silly of me to expect something more moderate like a letter of introduction."
Calum smiled and kissed the top of my hand. "It has been a pleasure, Eilean. Knowing you, working alongside you. I am honored to call you my friend."
"And here I thought I was something closer to a god the way you run on, but I'll accept friend." A mellow regret swooped through me and I felt crestfallen in losing his company. "In all seriousness; I adore you, Calum. I too am glad to count you among my friends."
Calum's dark eyes were sparkling as we smiled at each other, memorizing the moment. I realized with a jolt that I could have married him. He might have given me a life of fun and lightness and absurdity. A good life, but the wrong one for me.
"I'll let you finish your tea in peace." I stood and bobbed a curtsy. "Come find me before you go?"
"Of course," he promised. "Adieu, for now, my lady." Calum inclined his head in a solemn bow.
As I left the room, I felt relaxed. Walking back to my chambers, I reveled in the bright blue sky, the birdsong, and the cool wind whistling through the open windows. Despite the catastrophe of my life and the precarious situation I found myself in, it was easy to find joy. I had a home, for now. More importantly, I had people who cared for and supported me. That I was assured of their affection was revolutionary. A divergence from the loneliness of the past.
When I opened the door to my rooms, Alex was there. Sitting by the fire with an overloaded tray of breakfast food before him, a stack of papers piled next to his elbow. My heart sang at the reliability and familiarity of the tableau.
"There you are!" Alex said, looking over his shoulder at my entrance. "I convinced Cook to make us breakfast for a late, late lunch. The best time to start your day is right before dinner, you know."
"Is it?" I smiled and settled in the chair across from Alex.
"Perhaps I am not quoting the most up-to-date scientific texts, but I won't argue when the ham smells this good."
"Nor I."
Alex fixed me a plate and poured me a cup of coffee.
"Calum is leaving," I said.
"I see." Alex kept his face neutral.
"He intends to go back to the Mainland and help organize the post-war effort. Which made me think... if you intend to go back to The Fist, I wouldn't — "
Alex's head shot up and he fixed me with a fierce stare. It was impossible to ignore the flicker of heat I felt low in my belly at his gaze.
"I'm not going back," he announced resolutely.
"At all?"
He shrugged and took a bite of an egg and ham sandwich he had constructed. "My life is here, at Stormway."
Looking down, I smiled, buoyed by his devotion. "Well then, what's on for today?" I forced myself to talk through the thickness in my throat. Focusing on work would stop me from barring the door and dedicating the day to learning the contours and intricacies of Alex's body.
He cleared his throat, his cheeks red as if he could read my thoughts. "Ah! What isn't on for today?" Gesturing to the stack of papers with his elbow he said, "Where to start is the question."
Settling into our familiar routine, we ate and got to work.