Don't Take The Only Thing I Live For Away From Me
All Time Low-Chapter 10
My fingers traced the area that Jacks lips had touched on my cheek. They felt so soft and delicate but his stubble made him look older than twenty. In the photos of him that I'd seen on the Internet he looked younger than a lot of the musicians he hung around with but that was something I would never ask him about. I remembered every last detail of that moment, how his hand rested on the small of my back, how he tried to make it appear that we were just embracing each other, caught up in a warm bear hug. His bright beaming smile, the way he glanced over at Alex then let his head fall in joyful, private embarrassment. It was our little secret.
"You should get some sleep, Vailes. Do you feel tired?" Alex broke the peaceful silence. He pulled his hair back with his fingertips, away from his eyes as he looked over my damaged face. Surveying the scars and bruises that dotted my cheeks and forehead. I hadn't yet seen my face but the feeling of pain every time I moved my head told me that it wasn't a pretty sight.
"Yeah I think I will. Are you guys going home then? What time is it?" my eyes scanned the light blue walls of the room but there wasn't a clock in sight. Alex's head tilted to the side as he stared at me. He didn't look like he was watching me but staring through me; he was searching for something in my eyes that he couldn't find. Could he tell I was lying? I wasn't going to sleep tonight, my mind would fill with all these questions that I would write down then I'd answer them in my head with something that would better me. My lips would whisper the replies to my queries; I know that talking to yourself is the first signs of madness but so what if it helps. Knowing that no one will listen, sometimes it's just easier not to say anything, or only trust yourself.
"Um, it's 2am," Jack spoke up, his eyes burned into the back of Alex's head, who had stepped closer to my bed. His eyes stayed on Alex as he forcefully shoved his hands into his jean pockets and his smile twisted into a scornful frown. With every move Alex made Jack inched closer towards me, never making eye contact with me but his features oozed hatred and loathing. Jack wasn't happy.
"Well then why are you still here?" my voice rose in shock. Why did they stay with me now when they didn't at the scene of the crash? My thoughts ran back to the accident, the flames licking at the humid car, the smoke filling my lungs and the metallic taste of blood in my mouth. I wasn't going to forget that night in a hurry.
"We're waiting for the traffic to go down! Really Vailes," Alex's humorous, sarcastic comment made a giggle escape my lips before I could restrain it. His eyes lit up with joy as Jack's burned with fury. His anger towards his best friend worried me. "Why do you think we're here? To make sure you're all right. We aren't just going to leave you here before apologising, really Vailes you mean more to us than you might think."
"If you came to check up on me then why did you leave me in the car alone? I woke up in the burning car and you weren't there. I shouted for you but I couldn't hear you either," a sour note tinged my voice as I accused the boys. Their heads dropped and their eyes fell to the ground simultaneously, guilty looks spread across their faces. Alex peeked out from behind his thick fringe, which covered the rest of his face; his hazel eyes had turned a glossy shade as he blinked away tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. Jack had let the anger he felt towards Alex melt away, only to be replaced by a shameful look in his beautiful eyes as regret spread through his features.
"Um, I was, well. They wouldn't let me see you! Jack and I both crawled out the car and the fire brigade managed to get Lisa but-"
"So you just left me, you got out and left me to die in that burning car!" my temper had risen and I could feel my cheeks flush with heat. I'm an occasional hot-head, mostly at the worst times but there was no denying the venom in my voice this time. This surge of pure animosity I felt towards Alex and Jack was still building, I could feel an even more destructive outburst brewing inside of me. Redirecting my thoughts to calm myself down, I stayed quiet in case I said something even more accusing; that let Alex budge in to clear his name and Jack's.
"Vaila, please just listen to me! They took their time getting you out since you were seriously distressed. You sounded like you were in so much pain, all we could hear was you screaming for us. I tried to get up since I was sitting in the back of the ambulance but my legs gave way and I ended up lying next to Jack on a bed. Jack was unconscious after he crawled out, and Lisa was getting treatment in a different ambulance. We did try to get up but once the fire had been put out and you were safely out, they rushed you off before I could get to you. I'm sorry," Alex had lent over my bed with one hand resting on the bed on either side of my legs. His locked elbows showed the inside of his arm that had a small tattoo and a few bands covered his wrists. On the brink of tears, Alex let his head hang in shame, the corners of his mouth fell too. A sigh escaped my lips as I held my arms open, Alex's eyes darted towards me at my sudden, stiff movement.
"Come on, just hug me! I don't hug a lot of people so think of it as a peace sign," Jack stared wide eyed at me as Alex's mature smile spread across his face, lighting up his features. Both of them wrapped their arms around my frail body, their chins resting on either shoulder. A hot breath warmed my back, causing a shiver to involuntarily run down my spine.
As they pulled back Jack broke into a proud grin, giving himself away as the culprit. Alex's head shot to him, his lips turned down in a confused frown.
"Are you cold? Do you want an extra blanket? I'm sure we can get one if all the doctors in this hospital aren't scared of Rosie." We all looked out of the only window in the room, Rosie lent against the glass, her arms folded as she made small talk with Zack and Rian who were pushed up against the wall across from her. Their grins faded a little into almost invisible smiles when they saw us watching them. They had cottoned on to the fact that our conversation had turned to the topic of them. My cheeks heated up as I looked back at Alex.
"I'm fine, both of you were so warm compared to me, that's all," my shoulder stiffly shrugged as my white lie slipped off my tongue. I've gotten better at telling lies since all my life I've been asked if I'm ok, if I'm coping? For the sake of Noela, my replies always have to be fibs because I don't open up about my home life much. I don't exactly know why I shared my story with Alex and Jack, I felt like I had nothing to lose with them judging me on my past since they would find out sooner or later from one of the girls. An underlying feeling of trust seemed to be in order which is why I phoned Jack that one drunken night, why I felt safe in his house under the watchful eyes of his peers, why I let Jack drive me to the studio.
"Are you sure? I mean, maybe we should get you something just in case you have to stay in here for a few more nights," Jack suggested, backing up Alex, whose eyes skimmed over the baby blue hospital overall that covered my body, concentrating on my arms which were hidden up until my elbows. I turned my wrists down into the bed sheets and away from prying eyes. Alex never let on that he knew about my problem, there wasn't a knowing glance, a confused look or an upset frown, nothing. That's the way I intended to keep it, what they don't know cant hurt them.
"I doubt that will be necessary, Mr. Barakat. Miss Hart can leaving in a few minutes, after we have checked her over," the door swung open and in stepped a short old doctor with grey hair and a clipboard in one hand, he closed the door behind him but I could still see Rosie trying to sneak a peak around the man and inside the room. Mr. Barakat must be Jack, Jack Barakat. Is that his real name? It must be if the doctors calling him that. His second name suited him, in an odd way, just like his The Maine t-shirt that hung closely to his slim frame.
Jack's dress sense was casual, skinny jeans and Vans teamed with a goofy smile that forever lingered on his lips. Where as I was more of a skinny jeans and Converse or Doc. Martens type of girl, rarely have I left the house wearing anything but a band t-shirt usually with my black wayfarers and a guitar strapped to my back.
"So we can take her home tonight!" Alex exclaimed gleefully, his excitement temporarily taking over his cool friendly cover. Cheeks burning scarlet and true happiness in his eyes, Alex giggled to himself as Jack and I watched the doctor's emotionless face. A frown spread across the old mans face, his skin was so crinkled he looked like a frowning pug.
"Come on Doc! Lighten up, he's just a little happy," I spoke up in defence of Alex, even I was overjoyed to be getting out of this dump, my hate for hospitals growing with every breath I had to take in. I just want out of here!
"Well I have to go and tell a young man that his wife died on the operating table, so lets just make this as brief as we have to, alright?" His expression cracked a bit, but after that icy comment no one dared say another word, all of us regretting being so enriched with happiness. The doctor's cold hands checked my pulse and examined all of my cuts, giving me the all clear, but he might have just said that to get rid of me.
"You can go now! Get changed into your own clothes and leave the gown on the bed then go and discharge yourself. Good-bye, I hope I won't be seeing you around here again, at least not soon," his mood still hadn't changed from the grumpy tone it had held so we all just mumbled goodbyes and thank-you's to the old man as he left.
Throwing the blankets off my body and slowly swinging my legs over the edge, painfully, I started to get out of the warm confines of my bed. Grasping the side table, Alex fumbled around with a duffle bag hanging from the chair. The sleeves of his red and black checked shirt kept falling around his wrists but he continued to push them up, not bothering to stop and roll them up. He turned around once again but this time he had a handful of clothes, placing them on the bed he let his soft hand hold onto my shoulder to steady me, a small smile sprung to life on his face.
"Here, Rosie left you some of her clothes. She mentioned that they might smell like Zack's apartment but that's just because she picked them up from there. We're going to pick up Noella or as the girls are saying, sneak her out of your parents house, are you going to be ok, we'll leave Jack to keep you company?" looking me straight in the eye, I nodded stiffly. Alex placed the bundle of clothes on the bed, steadying me then with a worried glance he slowly ambled away from me and to the door, Jack trailing behind him. A reassuring smile spread across his face before he left, Jack closed the door then the curtains that hung over the tiny window in the door.
"Are you going to be alright? You know, do you want help, um getting dressed? Do you, uh, want me to, um, help you dress...?" Jack couldn't look me in the eye and a vermilion blush coated his cheeks as he trailed off. Letting his hair flop forward, in his face, hiding some of his features from my prying view. His attempt at being kind was overlooked by the laughter spilling from my cracked lips. "I can't believe I almost asked you if you want me to help you dress you. God, there's something wrong with me."
Jack didn't see the humorous side and turned his back to me and stared at a dull wall with a picture of a smiling nurse hanging in a dark blue frame, his hands shoved deeply into his pockets as an embarrassed tension fell over the room. Slowly I padded over to his regretful form, the cold tiles made the short walk towards Jack feel like an eternity, burning the underneath of my sore, swollen feet with its icy grasp.
"Don't worry about it, you were just trying to seem gentlemanly, right?" reassuring people wasn't one of my strong point unless you where a really close friend or Noela, somehow I could get them to do just about anything. Lifting a skinny hand up to Jack's elbow, which jutted out, away from his body, elongating his already long legs.
I nudged him to face me but he remained staring at the wall, until I couldn't stand the cold, dark silence. Time passed slowly and painfully as I waited for Jack to answer me. The blush still hadn't faded from his cheeks and his clear embarrassment had left him quiet, I could hear a pin drop, the only sound was our breathing. My urge to fill the silence was growing and my patience was lasting surprisingly longer than I expected.
"Right, Jack?" Two questioning words were all it took to knock him out of his trance and send him into a stuttering mess. A hand flew to the back of his neck, scratching nervously he stammered back with his eyes fixed to the ground.
"It's not, um, I was, uh, well you see. I was trying to..." Jack's hands are shaking out of control. His knees looked weak and flimsy as they knocked together, he's lost all authority he had over his thin legs. Panic flared up in me as his knees collided with the hard, bitter tiles beneath him, his hands covering his face as he turned and slumped against the uncomfortable wall. Not once flashing a look in my direction, I could tell that sleep had escaped him last night and possibly the night before that too, by the way his lids drooped but my speaking still kept his attention for long enough.
"Jack, what's wrong? C'mon! Talk to me, please," kneeling beside him, I wrapped an arm around his shoulder and tried desperately to tug his hands away. He was hiding his eyes for a reason. "Seriously, talk to me before I give up. Man up and tell me what's up. I swear to God Jack my patience is wearing thin so make up your mind now. Show me your face or I will leave now, get changed in the bathroom and drive myself home!"
My temper was red-hot and close to getting lost in the mists of my growing anger. I recoiled my arm and brought my knees to my chest, cradling them. I was fuming; the anger raging in my eyes was serious and full of animosity. He couldn't just agree with me, this would never have happened if he had just nodded his head instead of being a jerk, an idiot! The silence was thick with tension so clouded by my chagrin that the room became stuffy, impossibly warm for an evening like this.
"Jack! I'm giving you one more chance, just look me in the eye and explain exactly why you decided to turn into a pervert all of a sudden. You were a perfectly nice guy before this! Why? Just answer that, it's all I need to know," glaring at the side of his face, I could see the pain glistening in his eyes with a hint of loneliness tingeing the beautiful colours. Avoiding all contact with me, Jack averted from my touch when my hand attempted to rest on his shoulder.
His shunning of my touch only made the enmity I held for his current behaviour rear up, like an overprotective mare seeing her foals being led astray, causing more hellish and pitiless remarks to spill from my chapped and burning lips. "What happened that was so god damn life changing that you turned into an ass over night! Huh? Have you got an answer for me yet because your time is running out fast, better hurry up Jack or you'll be seeing the back of me. I wouldn't hesitate to leave right now!"
For the first time in what felt like an eternity, Jack spoke up. His words were filled with pain and suffering, but that's what he deserved. I hadn't been too worried or angered about the fact that he had been responsible for the car crash that almost killed me since it only brought me closer to my ultimate goal in life, self destruction but his awkward behaviour tonight was inexcusable. The bubbly Jack normally shadowed by his band had taken on the persona of a lonesome and unprotected little boy when by himself, emotions radiating from his weak body as a tear slid down his cheek, mirrored by another one and another until his face glistened with the watery trails. This made him look hauntingly attractive in the most innocent and abstract way.
"Just let me talk to Alex, he'll explain to you what's been going on," Jack's words left me pondering Alex's involvement in this. Why should Alex have to tell me what's wrong with Jack? Maybe I shouldn't have let Alex run away to play the nice guy card, maybe Jack wouldn't have said anything if he hadn't been alone. Snapped from my thoughts by Jacks bitter words, I couldn't believe the hate oozing from every word. "You always seemed to like him more than me anyway..."
"Excuse me! What was that? Try to this logically Jack by saying something like that, are you really helping your case at the moment. Huh? Damn, first you turn into a pervert; then an ass and now you're an idiot. Where did you get that idea? I would never favour Alex over you! Why would you think that?" I screamed back at him, my knees were tortured with cramps as they were still folded under my chin, eyes locked with him. My hands started shaking under the cold material of my hospital gown, Jack's body was stiff as a board, his lips pulled down in a frown whilst no emotions hit his eyes. I longed to see the smiling and completely bizarre Jack who seemed to have died and reincarnated into a dark and unwelcoming creature, enjoying seeing me unhappy and uncomfortable.
"You always look at him differently than you do when you're with me but there's one thing that stops you isn't there. Lisa! You hate her because she's the reason why you can't be with Alex, I'm just the replacement for when he plays you like he does to everyone. I'm sick of it, I can't do a single thing right, can I?" Jack was on his feet by now, flailing his arms carelessly and irrationally knocking over a vase brimming with beautiful green and purple flowers and letting it cascade to the ground without a second thought. Anger seething from his normally spectacular eyes that would make a grown man so scared, tears would be rolling down his cheeks in minutes. There was one difference between a blundering boy and me...
I don't cry.
"I was going to ask you if you would go to my cousins wedding with me because it breaks my moms heart when I go to these events without a date or at least a friend. Then I got into thinking of whether or not you would say no to me because you would have to wear a dress, I thought you clearly wouldn't like that but I got really nervous and I ended up stuttering about something that had nothing to do with my original question. Is there anything else you want to know before I leave so I can wallow in my own self pity?" his irritated, venomous words were deadly, they shot me down like a deer in hunting season. I was stunned by Jack's sudden burst of bitter annoyance, violence filling his normally fun loving self.
His nostrils flared and his chest heaved as he took a step closer to me, Jack's knuckles were pasty from clenching them. I heaved myself off the ground, I had to get away from him or else he would regret his acts in the morning. My surroundings felt claustrophobic and unwelcoming as immense paroxysm struck my body down again. There was no look of sympathy or outstretched hand to help me up from Jack as my limbs tried desperately to pull myself from my crippled state on the hard, tiled floor. My cheeks flushed and heated I was tempted to let my body fall in a heap on the ground with my face pressed against the cold and suddenly welcoming floor.
Jerking my head up to check on Jack, he was pacing next to my bed, deep in thought but the look of hatred and pain still cursed his handsome features. You could read the emotions on his face better than a holy man could perceive the bible. Clear and prominent, I could sit for hours and watch the sentiments change as he calmed down but he wasn't becoming level headed, the anger still plagued his young eyes. I had never felt uncomfortable around Jack, he had always been as sweet to me as any of the other boys in All Time Low, who didn't deserve the attitude I gave them but took it anyway. How would this affect our friendship? Should I forgive and forget?
The spasms were subsiding as I crawled over to the wall, I had felt a lot worse pain than this but the emotional trauma was more heart wrenching than ever before, I felt like Jack had betrayed me. He had taken our friendship and ripped it apart right in front of my eyes. My back pressed against the wall, I looked at the clock on my right. I hope Alex told the hospital that we wouldn't be leaving until everyone else got back because I'm not jumping in a car with Jack again. It wasn't just the fact that his reckless and obscene driving left me unconscious in a hospital but his pique was enough to terrify me and put me off him for life.
Cold silence crept over the room, casting its dark and unsettling shadow over the atmosphere and almost immediately I became nervous. I had to break it, Jack wasn't and he couldn't feel my discomfort. He was still stuck in his dreams as I wordlessly hoped for Alex.
"I would have gone with you, you know?" my deep voice was cracked and broken as my throat agonisingly throbbed, it felt like it had been shredded from the inside which was worse than playing a full Warped Tour with no vocal rest. Now that is something I don't advise! Jack abruptly swung round to stare at me; his eyes burnt holes into me as I regretted even mentioning the wedding.
"You wouldn't have, I ruined everything we had and you still would have gone to some stupid wedding with me. I don't think so! Who are you trying to fool; you like Alex more than me so why don't you just come out and say it. By the sounds of things it's not like you have parents that would care."
"Don't you dare bring my parents into this! They have nothing to do with this; this is between you and me, no one else. You know what Jack, if you had explained to me earlier when I asked you this could have been resolved. We wouldn't be screaming at each other and I sure as hell would like you a lot more than I do now," grabbing hold of the small table next to me with Jack's jacket thrown on top of it, I pushed off the wall and my legs could finally carry my weight. Feeling brave I let my scratched and bruised arms fall to my side as I approached Jack's shocked form. "I have no feelings for Alex and no matter how much your perverted mind twists our friendship, one thing will always be clear. I can trust Alex so much more than you! You think you have me sussed out but you haven't even scratched the surface, don't even try to probe into my life by assuming things because I can scrub up well when I want to," although I swore to myself that I would never let myself experience the low depths of Jack's rage but I could feel it spreading through my body as my hands formed knuckle cracking fists. Swaying on my feet, I stumbled to the bed where I collapsed in a heap still watching Jack from the corner of my prying eye. He hadn't turned but his body shook violently.
"It's just not fair!" Jack back arched as he wiped at his face speedily, his hands glistening with tears under the bright lights. Clearly he was infuriated more than I was earlier because a wave of pity instantly washed over me. With all of my anger forgotten about I reached out to hold his hand, that he'd let fall to his side. Griping onto his hand, he still didn't turn to face me but given the emotional outpouring I didn't mind. I gently squeezed our entwined fingers together and smiled up at him though I doubt he saw it.
"What's not fair Jack? What's troubling you?" my words sounded small compared to his passionate declaration. He shook his head, tears splattering onto his shirt and shoes. He was eyeing me from the corner of his eye. Jack had a secret and he wasn't leaving until I was enlightened.
"You won't like it."
"Try me!" I challenged his negative attitude as he sniffed and averted his eyes to his shoes. Tears had stopped falling but the trails still gleamed prominently on his cheekbones. What if I didn't want to know why he was acting mysteriously cryptic? What if he was right? Doubt filled me but I willed him on with my eyes none the less, my curiosity killing me.
"It's not fair because I'm the one who has fee-" Alex charging through the door and running straight for me cut Jack's explanation short. Grabbing my remaining hand he looked me profoundly in the eye. I could see Lisa and the rest of my group of visitors gathering in the doorway, staying away from me or barring the exit I was unsure but the mixed vibes were enough to send my mind into a worried and frenzied whirlwind of wild thoughts. Doing a head count I realised there was one person missing from the group, Noella.
Breathing deeply through my nose, anger brimmed in me once again as my hands got clammy. I didn't pull my hand from Alex's but I looked at Jack first, who was watching Alex's downcast and upset eyes. Although they didn't seem to fill with the same sad look, Jack's demoralised eyes came back to me as he gave a small nod. Alex butted in and pulled my attention to him again.
"Vaila, I'm so sorry! She's gone..."