There was yet another letter. It crinkled in my pocket as I wiped my tear-damp hands down my skirt, spoiling the silk. Pulling it free, I stared at the envelope, studied the way someone addressed it to "the Caretaker of Ellesmure at Stormway". Not to me. It seemed I did not exist to its scribe.
Steeling myself for a reconfirmation of Calum's news of my now decimated family, I tore it open. I could have laughed at its contents had they not thrown me into a state of utter disbelief.
Nothing. It had all been for nothing.
Sometime later, a knock sounded at my door. When I didn't answer, I heard it open. A telltale squeak gave away the intruder's entry. It could have been a ghost for all I cared. My attention was claimed by the fire. The flames danced, unaware that the world had changed. Shimmering coals illuminated and plunged into darkness with the changes in airflow. Everything and nothing ran through my mind. I was shattered.
"This is not a happy birthday girl," Alex said. His voice came as if underwater. Muffled and heavy.
Or maybe I was underwater, buried in a deep, murky pond.
His voice came again, from far away. "Eilean?"
"Eilean, are you alright?" He sounded closer this time. Perhaps one of us was surfacing, fighting to find the light.
The weight of his hand fell on my shoulder. The heat from his palm seeping into my skin. It was enough to drag me from my stupor. I turned sluggishly and blinked at him with bleary eyes.
"Are you well?" Alex asked, his face contorted in the downturn of concern. His other hand pressed against my forehead. "You feel clammy."
"I..." I didn't know what I was.
Frowning, Alex pulled over a stool and sat on it, crouching in front of me. "Eilean, are you sick? Should I call the nurse?"
Shaking my head, I blinked a few times, trying to make my raw eyes feel more comfortable. The room came into focus and I rubbed my cheeks, wiping away the remnants of dried tears. When I opened my mouth to speak, nothing came out. I wrapped a hand around my throat, piqued by its betrayal.
Alex furrowed his brows. "Calum said you were upset. He sent me to check in on you." Confusion rippled across his tone. "What happened? You were as jolly as a jester less than an hour ago and now... I don't know what this is but you're scaring me, Eilean."
An hour? Had that been all the time that had passed? I struggled against my silent tongue, torn. Alex deserved an answer, but speaking the news aloud meant making it real. I still held the letters in my hand, the paper crumpled as I gripped my fist tighter in my struggle to speak. Everything seemed to rush in at once; the fire was too hot, Alex too close, the crickets outside too loud, the scent of the thousands of dying roses too cloying. I wanted to scream and rage and pull at my hair and shred my clothes until they were nothing but scraps. I wanted blood and fury and revenge, but also sleep and silence and nothingness.
"They're gone." My announcement was nothing more than a broken sigh. A statement devoid of feeling.
"Who?" Alex said, leaning forward, his hands cupped over my knees.
I met his gaze then, my chin trembling. It had been foolish to think I had cried myself out. New tears obscured my vision. Alex nodded nothing but patience on his face.
"All of them." I passed Alex the letters. The one from Calum's messengers and the other delivered at dinner. The lines of the words forever branded across my vision.
Surrender signed. War over. Islander men returning late Summer at the earliest. No land or territory gained.
"It's over," I said, haunted. Dazed. Everything felt weightless and drifting. Light and time moved in strange ways. The impact of the news and its implications disoriented me. Had I just been happy and content a moment ago? Now another upheaval, another plunge into chaos.
Alex poured over the three short missives. Covered his mouth with his hand. Shook his head.
"I thought— " I sucked in a breath. "I thought they didn't care to write letters. I never got one. In the beginning, I sent them updates but I stopped because... well, because I assumed they didn't care. Not that they were... dead."
"That's over four thousand men," Alex said, parroting my original reaction.
"I know."
"And the war... it's just... over."
"Just like that."
Our eyes met and I could see my hollow nothingness reflected to me in the terror of Alex's face. The wilting mass of flowers still strewn across my rooms seemed to mock the chorus of "For what? For what? For what?" that reverberated in my head.
Alex jumped out of his seat. "Should I get Calum? Does he need to know?"
"No." I reached out and caught Alex's hand. "I'm sure his own messengers have given him the news. And I doubt I'm high on his list of people he wants to see right now." I screwed up my face into a grimace.
"And why would that be?" Alex asked with a raised brow.
I looked at him, my dearest friend, and tried to smile. It felt false and uneasy on my face. "Calum offered me his protection. In marriage." I explained.
Alex inhaled, and his hand slipped from mine. His shoulders rounded and pulled his posture into a defeated curl. A grey tinge masked the usual glow of his face. "And will you accept?"
"No. I mean, I didn't." I looked at Alex, breaking under the radiant relief that beamed out of his answering smile.
I had to stand, had to move. Leaping to my feet, I walked to the mantle, gripping the carved wood. In the mirror above, a woman I didn't recognize stared back at me with crazed eyes. Despite her inner turmoil, she was still beautifully dressed. Pink cheeks, smoldering eyes, red-bitten lips. The look and feel of my image were all wrong. It suffocated and constrained. It laughed at my heartache.
Behind me, reflected in the glass, Alex ran his hands through his hair, undoing the well-combed curls. Somewhat frustrated, he sighed. "You're free, Eilean. You're an equal, now. A landowner in your own right. An heir. Equal to any Laird or Lord. You can do whatever you want."
My heart broke at his misplaced conviction. "No, I'm not." I looked over my shoulder with a sad smile and then returned to my reflection. "We are not equal. I don't exist. Not on paper, not in the law. There is no document, no letter, no scrap of paper in my father's hand naming me as heir and caretaker of this island. The only tie I had to this land is through blood and now..."
My voice caught as I thought again of my family. Gone.
"Eilean, if you don't think every person on this island, in this castle, wouldn't fall on their knees and pledge fealty to you this second— " Alex rushed forward, a feverous light in his eyes. He gripped me hard and turned me to face him. "They're all still down there, in the great hall. We can do a ceremony this instant."
"I don't know many of the laws, Alex, but of this, I am certain, for I've had it drilled into my head since I was a child." My lips trembled. "Estates can only pass through the male line. I'm no more Laird of Ellesmure than a mouse is."
"Then we change the laws!"
A bitter laugh punched out of me. "Oh, it's fun to play at reform when it's something silly like The Standing. To change laws of succession would be like declaring war against the Federation of Islands. It goes against the very foundation of its charter!"
Alex squawked, an outrageous sound of offense.
"I won't further provoke a newly bloodthirsty population bent on conquering to my shores."
"Far be it from me to speak ill of the dead, Eilean, but your father may have been the most outrageously short-sighted fool the world has ever produced."
Huffing, I smiled despite my grief. "Far be it from me to disagree with the truth."
Alex dropped his hold on me and stepped back. He chewed on the inside of his cheek and his eyes turned distant, contemplative. "I think you misjudge the Islanders. They're battle fatigued, not bloodthirsty. They have been away from home for many years. It's unlikely they'll come stomping up to Stormway's gates bent on conquest."
"I wish I could believe you, Alex, I do. But the invasion has already started."
"What do you mean?"
"Calum admitted he came here on the errand of his father's dying wish. After the battle that took his leg, killed his father, and apparently, wiped out my family. The previous Laird Grant instructed Calum to ride to Stormway and lay claim to me."
Alex sucked in a breath, and a ripple of anger rolled off him. He clenched his fists and swore under his breath.
I held out a reassuring hand. "Thankfully, Calum deviated from his father's plan and abandoned all thoughts of marriage during his sea voyage. He settled for pledging allegiance to me."
"Until tonight, when he offered you his hand." Alex threaded his fingers through mine. His eyes were full of thunder and his mouth set in a grim line.
Shrugging, I tried to forget the swell of emotions that had prompted his proposal. The looming pressure of that icy darkness pressed against my skull with unfeeling depravity. How in that moment, everything crystalized and snapped into sharp focus.
I looked over at Alex. The firelight forced his face into extreme relief, highlighting the contours and shape of his features. The high cheekbones, cropped beard, a long, angular nose. His eyebrows, low over the eyes that were like oceans trapped in large, round pools of mischief.
Many times in my life I had tried to determine when I fell in love with him. Which day was the first time I entered a room and swept it to see if he was there? When did I listen for his voice as I walked through the halls? How had I trained myself to recognize his shape from hundreds of yards away when he was toiling in the fields? Was it when we were children? Or later? Was it yesterday or years ago? As much as I tried to convince myself that he was just a friend, I knew it was all a farce.
My love for Alex was not unexpected, but it was surprising. It had a tendency to hit me without warning and detour my entire day. A flutter of hope that trembled somewhere deep in my chest and on the tip of my tongue. Always, always on the verge of confession. It horrified me to think how it must have dripped from my eyes like tears or shouted its attendance in my laugher. It was a shaft of light shooting out of me and looking for its home hearth.
In this moment of loss, that flutter became a shudder. It worked its way into my bones and sewed itself into my veins. Fear of its failure made me cold with sweat. If only I could weave him into my body. Make him part of me so that I could never fret over potential separation.
Calum mistook my inaction for indifference. He saw me mooning but couldn't understand the hesitation and assumed I was careless. I was far from apathetic. I was petrified.
It was impossible to move forward and keep the one thing I loved more than anything else. My purpose. Born of sweat and starvation and work, I had knitted myself into the stones of Stormway and I wouldn't surrender it for anyone. Not even Alex.
"I thought it was obvious, Alex," I said, regret and heartache smothering me. "I can't marry anyone without giving up the only claim to my home that I have."
"Possession." He shook his head. "Ownership would transfer to your husband."
"Yes," I whispered. "Even if I wanted to." I caught his gaze and held it, feeling the weight and intention I tried to give my stare.
Alex stood, walking toward me, his face set with determination. "No one would dare challenge your right to Ellesmure. I can bear witness to your lineage — so would everyone who knows you. Calum could advocate for you to the other Lairds — "
"Alex." I shook my head and placed my hand on his chest. There was a glimmer of feeling where my fingertips touched the silk threads of his jacket. I marveled at that, the return of my senses. Leaning into him, I reveled in his warmth and security. A small glimmer of hope found me there, and Alex wound his arms around me. He looked down at me, his expression guarded.
"Remind me?" I asked, my voice soft. Steeling myself for the rejection, my hands curled around his lapels, crumpling the fabric. I spoke to his cravat. Too much of a coward to meet his eyes. "I don't want to plot and plan. Remind me, Alex, remind me what it is like to feel alive."
Pressing myself against the length of his body, I dared to look up. Heat sparked deep in his eyes and the surrounding air shifted, became charged. His guard dropped, and I felt his body sag with relief. Crushing me against him, he pulled me into his arms with a firm embrace. I whimpered against his kiss, only because it felt so right. Starved for it, the heat and the sway of him against me.
"What do you want?" He asked, his voice rough and low against my lips.
I wanted stronger hands and broader shoulders to consume and inflame my miserable, tired soul. Running my fingers through his hair, I leaned into him. The numb, cold, darkness within me evaporated into nothing; passion and excitement bloomed in its place. I wanted to feel alive, secure, wanted.
"Whatever you do, don't stop," I answered, trailing kisses along his jaw.
Walking me backward, Alex moved us through the room until the bed braced the back of my thighs. I let myself become molten under his hands.
~
After, as we reclined against the pillows, legs entwined, an easy intimacy bloomed around us. Scattered among the petals were the pieces of our finery. The last defenses of any restraint. Maybe I could not marry him, but I need not deny myself any longer.
I counted the rise and fall of his breaths, resting my head on Alex's chest. He toyed with my hair.
"Earlier, I... You used to get this look on your face when you were younger and your Mother was harsh on you. A kind of blankness. That's how you looked when I came into the room." He said.
I hummed, knowing. "There is a sort of nothingness in my mind from time to time. It's like I detach from who or where I am and it turns into a colorless, shapeless blur behind my eyes. Everything goes numb."
"Are you sad?" He asked gently.
I angled my head up so I could look at him. "I used to be, all the time. It comes and goes whenever I feel as if I'm out of control. But I no longer give myself over to it." I chuckled. "Well, I try not to."
Alex kissed the crown of my head, giving me support. In the strange fairyland of flowers and fire and nakedness, my emotions were mellow and it was hard to think too deeply.
"I think I'm jealous," I admitted, the word coming to my tongue unbidden. Another moment of clarity. I could finally name what I felt.
"I'm happier than I have been in a long time. I control... everything. Even now with the news of the war and my family. Especially in this moment," I winked at him, "but the past years have been a terrible nightmare. I've only been..."
The memory of Ian's last words swam to me. You survive it.
"I've just been scraping a living together. All my feelings and emotions, the way I understand the world, are trapped in a moment in time that no longer exists. If my family came back tomorrow, I'd just go back to being a decoration. I would be transformed, but nothing would change. They got to travel, see new things, fight. I had to stay and endure." Shrugging, feeling silly, I ducked my head. "I can't explain it."
Silence stretched out, unfolding in the night's warmth and the steady clicking of the clock.
"I've made all these concessions in order not to lose Ellesmure and yet I dread the knowledge of being stuck here forever. Is it a prison or a home? I do not know anymore. You've been across the seas, traveled the Mainland. Calum has seen more of the world than anyone I've ever known. My brothers, my parents, they got to see new vistas... and I'm still here. I have to stay here."
Alex nodded. It was his understanding that had me choking back a fresh wave of tears.
"Who am I without them? How do I move forward when the world around me was created by them?" I whispered.
Alex smiled and pushed back a lock of hair, tucking it behind my ear. "I think the wonderful thing is you get to decide, now. You're in control."
The enormity of the possibility yawned in front of me, and I shivered.
Alex gathered me up in his arms and kissed my forehead, then my lips. Lingering, toying with his kisses, he rubbed his hands across my cheeks. "You won't be stuck here forever unless you want to be. I promise you, Eilean, you can become whoever you want."
He nipped at my nose, my ears. I laughed as his kisses tickled my skin.
"Thank you," I said, gazing into his eyes, wishing that I could live there forever. Swim in those endless tides.
"For?"
"Everything?" I captured his laugh with my lips. "But mostly for my ledgers, they will come in handy as I begin my new life as an imposter Laird."
Alex's amusement was bright and feverish. Laughing, he pushed me back until he was draped across my body. Every inch of contact between us blazed. His hand swept down my neck, my chest, my torso.
"Get some sleep," he crooned between caresses.
"Is this you putting me to bed?" I asked, as his hand drifted over my hip and moved inward.
"I have a very foolproof method to ensure sleep."
The clock chimed seven in the morning, and we both groaned.
"So much for that," he said with a wry smile as he reached to the edge of the bed cover. He wrapped it around us. Loose petals fell from its folds. Tucking me into the crook of his shoulder, he pulled me close.
"You'll stay?" I searched his eyes for any hesitation, any chance that this reality might also fracture.
Alex nodded, committing with a deep, lingering kiss. It made my bones turn to jelly and I melted into him.
Dreamless sleep claimed me in an instant.