i first knew i was in love with you
when we were laying in my bed
and my fairy lights were twinkling
over us, and i was resting my head
on your chest and you were tracing circles
across my back with your fingers,
and you were explaining to me the origins
of kissing.
"it was actually a feeding mechanism," you said,
and then you laughed, and i knew i was in love with you
right then, at that moment, but it was too early to tell you.
still too early to tell myself, even. but that was when i knew.
because when you laughed, the gears in my heart slowed
and suddenly began cranking back in the right direction.
i spent a lot of time kissing you instead of saying it.
when i felt the words pressing against the back of my teeth
i would distract myself with your mouth.
and i think i was afraid, not because i didn't think you would
say it back, but because this time i wanted it to be right.
every time before i've dived headfirst into their chests,
wrapped my fingers around their hearts too quickly, too roughly.
i would spit out that i loved them so they would have some sort
of anchor to me, some sort of tie, some sort of seed that would
maybe sprout into something requited.
but with you, i held it in. stapled my lips shut with my own hands
in an effort to get this time right, to make this time work.
i would not try and make us grow before we had put the roots down
deep enough. i would not try and make us bloom before it was time.
it was when we were skin on mouths on tongues on hands
that i told you. at the peak of everything unspoken,
i broke the silence, and i can still remember the exact words
i said: "i love you, and you may not be sure yet, but i am, so,"
and when you said it back, just seconds later, it was like i didn't even
need to feel worried in the first place. of course you do. of course.
but i like to think it was because i let us blossom on our own.
darling, you are the one thing in my life
i want so desperately to just make it.
i want us, through everything.
you and everything, everything and you.
not need, no. i would survive,
but you are something
i don't feel selfish for wanting so badly.
you are something that doesn't make
me feel bad for being so greedy.
-c.h.