Chapter Twenty-Six – Ross
Harper's CD4 cell count was low. Scarily low. His viral load was detectable.
"But he was fine a moment ago," was all I could say. I couldn't think of anything to say; what could you say in a situation like that? Harper had been conscious for a short while after we'd arrived, but fallen back into unconsciousness, definitely too physically exhausted to move, let alone speak. I couldn't rest, or sit still. He'd opened his eyes twice and nodded once, but he hadn't spoken to me. We didn't know if he'd had a stroke.
"Rest is important for him," the doctor told me kindly, trying to reassure me. "We're waiting on the scans to see if there's been any permanent damage to the brain. We're trying to rule out a stroke."
I didn't believe her. I needed to make Harper move again, smile again, tell me he was okay. "He was dancing an hour ago," I argued feebly. "Laughing and smiling-"
"Sometimes it can be a very quick change," the doctor said, and then checked her forms. "And sometimes patients forget to tell us when they feel unwell, because they don't think it's a serious problem. They forget it can lead to serious problems."
I felt angry.
Angry at the doctor for blaming it on Harper. Angry at Harper for not telling us he was feeling unwell. Angry at his stupid cheerful attitude, declaring that he didn't need help or support. Angry at myself for not realising it sooner and forcing him to go to the hospital.
Was it my fault?
"Ross?" I heard a familiar voice, and looked up to see my aunt.
I blinked in confusion, wondering briefly if I was hallucinating, and said, "Mary? What on earth are you doing here?"
"Your father," she frowned. "He had an episode, just after we left church - we couldn't get in touch with Raven, we didn't know her phone number. We were hoping your father's carer could tell us the number."
I closed my eyes. My dad had had an episode on the same day that Harper collapsed. I managed to say, "No, we didn't know, we've been waiting here for... a friend of ours, he collapsed today, had a seizure."
"Oh," Mary said, and then added, "I'm sorry to hear that. Your dad is in asleep right now - can you try to get in touch with Raven? Tell her that he's in."
I nodded. "I will."
"Will you see him?" she asked.
I laughed harshly. "I think I'd just give him another heart attack, Mary. Hell, maybe that's what he deserves right now."
I don't know when she stopped screaming at me, or when she ran away in tears. I don't know when the nurse asked if I needed a drink, or when the doctor told me that Harper was stable for now. I don't know when Jasper turned up. I don't know how long he held my hand for. I don't know how long I was sat in the chair by Harper's bed, waiting for him to say something.
"Ross," Raven said gently, her hand on my shoulder.
I jumped slightly, and then said, "Hey, did you see Dad?"
"Yeah," she nodded, looking thoroughly exhausted. "They're going to keep him in for a few days, they want to inject this dye thing to make sure there aren't any new blockages."
Edward was sat next to me; I'd barely noticed he was here. His eyes were red, the skin around them swollen and puffy. He'd been crying, probably for at least an hour. "Are you alright?" I asked him, managing to speak for the first time since Jasper had arrived. He was asleep, curled up on the chair beside me.
"I'm irrelevant," Edward's voice sounded hollow.
"Has the doctor told you anything?" I asked Raven.
She shook her head. "Not yet. They'll tell Jenny and Lucie more, they were down as his last legal guardians, so they're his next of kin. They're on their way now, they just needed to shut up the café and sort everything out before rushing over here."
I nodded. "All I know is that it wasn't a stroke. But they said his viral load is detectable. His CD4 cells are really low, too. They..." My voice caught, and I closed my eyes. "They aren't sure what started it."
A doctor, followed by Jenny, walked into the ward, and we all stood up immediately except Jasper, who was asleep. "It should only be family right now," he started to say, but Jenny reassured him that it was okay, and that he could talk freely. He didn't look like he wanted to, but one sight of Edward's face and he relented.
"Harper suffered from a very nasty combination," he began. "He was trialling a new medication for pain management and it has caused a mild allergic reaction that built up over the last week or so, but it happens to have coincided with a bout of pneumonia, and his weakened state brought on a seizure. Now, we aren't considering this an AIDs-defining illness, because it's his first time with pneumonia, but it is something that we would need to work hard to prevent in the future. We need to change his medication to try and get his viral load back down."
"Pneumonia?" I asked, stunned. "But he... he didn't say a word."
"Yes, I believe our young Mr Harper has a problem with speaking up when he feels unwell," the doctor said grimly. "Perhaps you could all encourage him to be more vocal about his illnesses, so that he doesn't risk an attack this severe again. In any case, we are giving him IV fluids and antibiotics for now, and he'll need to stay in for now until we have an indication of his getting better."
"Is he going to be okay?" Raven asked nervously.
The doctor looked at her sadly. "I would love to be able to say yes, but right now he's in a serious condition and we won't know more until we see how the next twenty-four hours go. I'll be able to give you a better estimate tomorrow afternoon." He eyed us. "Not all of you can stay, I can allow for two of you to stay overnight, but that really is it."
We thanked the doctor and he scribbled some things on Harper's chart before heading to his next patient. Raven looked around and said, "Okay, tonight Ross and Jasper can stay. Mostly because Ed, I need to get you home safe, and I know Ross will argue if I try to make him go home."
"You're not wrong," I said quietly.
"Ed," Raven said, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Come on, I'm taking you home and staying with you tonight, okay? We'll come back first thing tomorrow."
Edward looked like he wanted to argue, but couldn't summon the ability to do so. He was completely disconnected from reality. He got to his feet, and let Raven lead him out of the ward. Jenny kissed me on the cheek and told me to call her if there was any changes. I nodded, and when they were all gone, I sat on the chair next to Harper's bed.
"Ross?"
I looked over at the chair next to me, where Jasper had been sleeping. He was now sitting up, looking around blearily. "Where are we?"
"Hospital," I managed to blurt out, indicating the bed that Harper was lying in.
Jasper ran his fingers through his hair. "Of course, Harper. Any change? Anything good? Good news?"
"He had a reaction to his medication," I said, and then added, "Plus pneumonia."
Jasper leaned against me, putting his head on my shoulder. "At least we know what it is now - he's in good hands, hopefully the doctors can get him stable."
"I said we'd stay," I said.
"Yeah, of course," Jasper smiled, and then said, "Will you eat something for me? I'll go grab you a sandwich from the vending machine."
I put my arm around him. "Sorry your celebration party went off the rails."
"You don't have to apologise," he said.
"I'm still sorry," I said, and then to my horror I realised that I was going to cry. Tears were pricking at my eyes, and I could feel a huge vat of emotion threatening to spill out of me if I couldn't control it.
"It's fine," Jasper murmured, and gently stroked my cheek with his thumb, and then kissed my forehead. "You can cry if you need to, it's okay."
I wanted to make him stop, to tell him 'no'. I didn't want to cry, especially not in front of him. I had already put so much on him; there was so much going on in his life. He didn't need me to start falling apart around him. Jasper held my hand, and I tried to fight against the feeling of desperate need within me. I so badly want to tell him to go away, to push him off me, but I couldn't. I needed him to stay. I didn't want him to leave.
"I..." I said, and then realised I was about to start babbling all of this at him. "I... umm, my dad. I need to - to just go check in on him, give Raven an update. Do you mind staying with Harper in case the doctor comes back?"
"Sure," Jasper nodded, and then dug in his bag, taking out a letter. "I've got to read this from Harry anyway, he's probably freaking out thinking I read it and ignored whatever it says."
"Don't push yourself too much," I said, kissing his cheek.
I left the ward, and looked for the signs directing me to where my father was. He wasn't too far from where Harper was now. I saw the correct sign, and tried to leave, but my feet felt rooted to the ground. It was as though I couldn't bring myself to take a step closer to my father.
"Excuse me?"
I blinked at a young nurse, who was hovering beside me. She smiled kindly and said, "Are you okay? Can I help you with anything?"
I shook my head numbly. She looked concerned, and I knew I wasn't helping alleviate that concern. Suddenly, something snapped in me. The look on her face, the look on Jasper's face. It was all too much. People were caring too much. I felt like I was being suffocated by kindness. I shook my head more rapidly and rushed past her, in the opposite direction to my father. I didn't know where I was going. I just knew I couldn't be here.
****
I wound up at Harper's place. I had a key. I walked into his place, and sat on his sofa, as though he was going to come out of the kitchen at any moment and roll his eyes at me putting my feet up on the coffee table. I imagined him telling me off, smacking me slightly on the head, and then sitting on the sofa with me as we watched crappy reality TV. I imagined him holding up outfit after outfit for Sapphire, exasperated with her repeated 'no' in response.
"Fuck," I breathed out, feeling my chest constricting. I knew I would have a panic attack if I didn't do something, so I started putting together a bag of things I knew Harper would need when he was properly conscious.
When, not if. There was no question that Harper would get better. He had to get better.
I walked into his room, opening his wardrobe and grabbing some comfortable clothes and pyjamas. I selected a couple of his favourite books, his phone charger, and his laptop. I opened the bedside table to see if he had anything he kept by his bed that he might need, and I frowned, catching sight of an envelope. It had my name on it.
I took it out, reading the words on the envelope.
Ross
Open this if it's not looking good for me.
Harper. x
I was confused. What could possibly be in the envelope? It felt slightly heavier than you'd expect, and there was something inside it. Swallowing nervously, I opened the envelope and took out a note and what appeared to be a small key.
Ross. There's a bunch of storage lockers down near the old train station. This is a key to one of them, it contains important things for you and the others. If you're reading this note, I'm either dead, dying, or I'm really drunk and gave the game away. If I'm drunk, don't go there. If I'm dying or dead, make sure you go there, it's important.
I love you! Hope it was a good death, really dramatic. H. x
I glared at the piece of paper. He was not allowed to joke about death. I suddenly felt afraid, like opening this envelope had somehow sealed his fate. I checked my watch; it was only four. I could go to the locker and see what was there. I didn't want to go back to the hospital, and I was afraid of telling everyone what I had found. I finished packing Harper's bag and put it in my car to take to the hospital after I had seen the locker.
It wasn't difficult to locate, but I was surprised by the size of it. I wondered what the hell was in here. Curiosity overcoming my fear, I unlocked the door and pulled it open, walking inside. I didn't know what I had been expecting, but it wasn't what I had found. The locker was filled with gifts. There were boxes and bags of varying sizes, jammed into every corner of the place. They were wrapped with huge bows and ribbons stuck on them. They were covered in notes and tags, and there was a big note stuck to the wall with my name on it.
Ross! I'm sorry, my wonderful friend, this is not how I would have liked to give you your presents. But if you're here, then I'm most likely dead. Either that, or you found the key and decided to go snooping. If the former, then that sucks. If the latter, then you suck and I'll tell you off later.
Ideally I should have kept track of how much I bought, but I'm in no way organised enough for that sort of task. It's sort of split into sections based on who it's for. I hope you all like them. I wish I could be around to see you open them.
Love, Harper.
My heart thudded in my chest. I reached over to the nearest box, and flipped the tag open.
Merry Christmas in 2025, Sapphire – hope you're still skinny enough to fit this. Harper x
I felt my blood turn to ice. That was in five years. Harper had bought a Christmas present for Edward five years in advance. I turned to another, opening the tag that was on it.
Ross, you're 36 now. Jesus, you're closer to 40 than you are to 30. I bet Raven is absolutely roasting you. Happy birthday, though – I hope it was a good one. I told you you'd get older eventually ;) Harper x
My stomach tightened uncomfortably. He had bought something for my thirty-sixth birthday before I had turned thirty. This wasn't okay. This couldn't be happening. Harper had bought us all of this in advance, just in case he died before he got to give them to us. Did he know? Did he know he was going to die soon? Was he hiding something from us?
Use it wisely, Ross. I mean very wisely. Happy 50th! Ancient ;) Man, I'm actually glad I'm dead or I feel like your glare would be DESTROYING me! Harper x
I swallowed. My fiftieth birthday present had been planned by Harper over twenty years before it happened. I couldn't believe he had done this. All the times he said he was working late, or getting rest, he might have been coming to add another present to the locker. I looked around at the presents and realised just how many there actually were of them. They filled every space, no matter how big or small. How long had this been happening? How long had he been doing this? I grabbed the nearest note, and my eyes widened at the tag.
Merry Christmas for 2021, Jasper. I know I didn't know you for too long, but I liked what I knew. Hope this comes in useful at some point! Harper x
I turned around in a stupor and flicked open note after note, reading the messages inside, filling my eyes with tears at each one. Harper had been planning this; Harper had planned for his death. He knew it was possible, knew it was so much more likely to happen early. He knew every virus and every infection could be the thing that killed him, and he had planned for it.
Congratulations on your new job, Tom! Remember me when you're rich and famous. I always knew you could do it – even when you didn't think you could. Harper x
Cyri – happy 21st! I'm so glad I got to meet you - you're a very fierce and brave young woman. x
Lucie, even though this is your 50th birthday, you do not look a day older than 25. Keep on smiling that beautiful smile, and never forget that you are the purest soul I ever knew. Harper x
I can't believe you're thirty, Jasper! To think I knew you when you were a kid. I hope you're exactly where you want to be in life – and if not, go for it now. You never know. Harper x
Merry Christmas in 2024, Edward! I know you'll laugh at me for this one – but you never know when you'll need something practical. Harper x
I took a deep breath, but nothing could calm me down. I was frantically opening every tag I could find, trying to find out if I was right. There was some addressed to people for ridiculous times in the future on their birthdays or Christmas, or some of them addressed to people for days that were just for random events.
Ross, I have never been so proud of you for quitting that God-awful job. Terry was a shit boss. You deserve more than that. Congratulations and good luck. I'll always be with you. Harper x
Jenny, I know it's not your birthday or anything special, but this one is in case you get sad about me. I will always be with you, but this might give you some comfort. You can cry. Harper x
Tom, I'm so happy you found him. I wish I could see you exchange your vows, but instead I think I'll just buy you the rings. You are both beautiful and I wish you a lifetime of happiness. Harper x
Hey, Ross – this one is just for a day when you're feeling alone. Put it somewhere that you'll see every day and remember that you're never alone when you think of me. Harper x
Luce - this is a thank-you for everything you did for me, you can open it whenever you feel ready to. You truly are one of the kindest people I have ever met. Harper x
I closed the note and clamped my hand to my mouth, trying to stop noise escaping from it. I felt sick. He had gone out and bought us gifts for the next seventy years. The amount of time he had spent on us, bundling gifts up in a storage locker on the outskirts of town to stop us from finding it, was overwhelming.
Ross. Happy 80th. I was going to get you something funny, but I saw this and couldn't help but buy it. I know you'll cry when you see it, but I think you'll be fine. We had a good time together, Ross. I was lucky to have you. I'll never forget you, and I like to think you will never forget me either. I know you don't believe in God, or heaven, but humour me this once and believe that you'll see me on the other side. I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to join me.
I love you. Forever. Harper x
I broke. I grabbed the present and howled, an animalistic noise that broke from me like I couldn't physically hold it back. Harper couldn't die. He couldn't die.
He couldn't die.
*****