Zoned out, that is what kept happening to Clarissa. She kept zoning out. Meaning, she could be somewhere physically but mentally she would check-out.
It was now about six months since she and Jacob separated and still, all she could think about was him. She should be moving on, but she felt as if she stopped living, and was just breathing if that made sense. The whole demise of their marriage might have been her doing.
After the night he got drunk and exploded, everything changed. She had never realized her behavior up until then but she was too angry to admit her wrongs. Instead, she ended their marriage but the even sadder part was that he didn't try, not even once, to get her back.
He apologized profusely for hurting her but, didn't once say, if you give me another chance, not once. She longed for those words from him. She wanted him to tell her how much he misses her, and how much he needed her.
A shiver passes through her. That dreadful night that turned her world inside out. Finding out that he was cheating and then getting that picture from Regina. Her stomach churned just thinking about it but, she kept thinking about it, over and over again, virtually obsessed. So many mistakes she made that she couldn't get over. She even replayed moments between them in her mind and changed the way she reacted.
There were so many times she unintentionally pushed him away. She might have gotten too secure and got too comfortable. The way he treated her and looked at her, she didn't doubt that he loved her, but she can't say he felt the same from her.
At this moment, it was 8:35 in the morning, she was sitting in the driver's seat of her car parked in her driveway. She put the kids in their buses for school and had been debating whether or not to meet with Jacob. The days were getting more and more unbearable to live without him.
All she felt all day was agony, but she's been putting on this tough persona. She pretended to be angry to hide the pain. When he came to pick up the kids she never met with him. She let the kids out and closed the door. It was torture even seeing him. She became like a mole woman hiding from sunlight.
Maybe today will be the day to end the pain. Maybe instead of waiting for him to fight for her, she needed to fight for him. She didn't care that her hair was a mess and she had on baggy sweats and an oversized sweatshirt. She starts her journey to his office.
She arrives at the ginormous warehouse and parks the car.
On the main office doors, it said, Kent Shipping and Storage. The successful business they started together. She was still a 50% owner but didn't have any involvement anymore. She remembers long exhausting nights and sometimes having to be a single mother because he was so busy. It was one of the toughest times but it was all worth it.
They wanted a bright future for their children.
"Hey, Mrs. Kent." The receptionist at the front desk. "Wow, it's been so long. How are the kids?"
Clarissa remembers her too. Her name is Becky and she was a talker. A real people person. Perfect for her position. Before she could answer Becky kept going.
"Mr. Kent just came out of an early morning meeting. He's in his office now I'm sure. You can go right in."
Clarissa just nods and smiles. Today could be a new day. She could wake up in her husband's arms tomorrow morning, better yet, she could fall asleep in his arms tonight. The kids would be so happy to have both their parents together again. Alyssa especially who has been the most upset.
When she gets to his office door she could see him through the glass windows. His handsome face, green eyes, and straight nose. His sandy brown short hair and broad mouth. He was dress business-like as usual, with a black suit and tie. He only wore two colors. Blue or black and always with a collared shirt. He was very particular about the way he presents himself. He shaved every morning and always ironed his clothes himself; even if they didn't need to be. Cleanliness and good hygiene were two important things to him.
*tap tap tap." She knocks lightly.
He looks up at her surprised, but not a good kind of surprise. If she could guess what he was thinking it would be; what the hell are you doing here? He gets up from his leather reclining office chair and opens the door for her.
"Is everything okay?" The first thing he notices is that she lost weight; too much."
"Everything is fine."
He shuts the door behind her and clears his throat. "Sit." He gestures to one of the two chairs across his desk then sits.
She lowers herself onto a seat and takes her bag off her shoulder. She didn't look up but with her peripheral vision, she could see he leaned his chair all the way back, folded his legs, and studied her.
"To what do I owe this pleasure, Clair?"
She bites her lips. Where did she start? It was annoying how nervous she suddenly became.
"Clair." He calls her attention from the ground. "If everything is fine, then what are you doing here?" And after months and months of her ignoring and avoiding him, she was vulnerable and sitting in front of him.
"I like what you have done with the place." She acknowledges the light changes he's made. Like new photos of the children. She picks up a frame from on top of the desk. It was a picture of all four children seeming to be at some kind of farm. Looked recent. She sets the picture back down and finally meets his eyes. His serious gaze was as sharp as razors. "Umm... I don't know how else to say this....nervously she plays with her fingers. "I miss you...and... I want you to come home."
His serious glare didn't falter. He didn't even blink. The only thing that moved was his Adam's apple when he swallowed.
"With some conditions, if you choose to accept them." She adds. Like never repeating his mistakes.
When it went too long with him silent, she pleaded. "Say something."
His expression stays fixed but he suddenly stands and begins pulling down the glass window shades.
She expected a smile, a surprised expression, but he seemed upset, mad even. She honestly thought he would be happy on some level. Didn't he want his family back? "What's wrong?"
Like he was hot or wanted to jump out of his clothes, he takes off his blazer and puts it neatly on the back of his chair. He loses his tie and unbuttons the first few buttons of his shirt. "Clarissa." He breaths out and pinches the bridge of his nose.
Oh no... he was calling her by her full name. Why? What did she do? What was so upsetting about wanting him back? "What?" She whispers "Is Regina still in your life?"
"Clarissa." He drops himself back into his seat and lets out a breath. He puts his elbows onto the desk and steeples his fingers together. This was how he acted when he was stressed or backed into a corner.
"Jacob, I know I wasn't perfect..."
"Stop." He shows her his palm. "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
Her head tilts. "What do you mean?"
He blinks up and slowly releases a breath. "The truth is I never cheated on you. I lied. I didn't mean to. I was drunk and it just happened and I went with it."
"You went with it?" Her brows joined.
He nods. It was easier to let you believe I'm a piece of shit. I..." he hesitates. "I don't want to hurt you."
"I've birthed four of your children. I can handle it. Just tell me." She didn't really know if she could handle it, but she would have to.
He shuts his eyes. With everything in his being, he didn't want to ever say these words to her.
"I'm not in love with you anymore." He opens his eyes.
Her mouth gapes open. Her cheeks turned pale with shock. It was as clear as day she was hurt.
He clenches his fists and clenches his jaw. He hated causing her pain. "I'm sorry." He knew that he was doing the right thing by telling her the truth but it was torment.
Her heart literally stopped. Tears, tears were building up, waiting to pour out, only she kept trying to hold back. She has to get out of there before the Hoover dam bursts out of her. She had so many feelings screaming. Sadness, shame, hurt, and guilt. She should have known.
"With you always being distant and distracted, it happened without me realizing."
"Stop please." This was too hard.
"I never cheated on you." He declares.
"I've seen pictures." She admits.
"I don't know what pictures you're talking about, but I stand by that. Look, if you admit it to yourself, Clarissa, you fell out of love with me too... first probably. You just haven't admitted to yourself yet. And it's okay. Maybe we rushed things and maybe we forced things."
As he talks, she stands up and throws her bag over her shoulder. Her hands were shaking uncontrollably, her knees were weak to the point where she might fall, but she had to get out of there. "I have to go." She turns and walks her wobbles legs straight for the door.
~~~~~~~~