My heart thudded so loudly in my chest I could hear it in my ears. I shifted around nervously in the cold green waiting room chair. "Stop fidgeting." Lyle said annoyed. He is really temperamental when he gets nervous. We both hated going to the doctor with a burning passion. Unfortunately this was the second doctors office we'd sat in today. Right now we were waiting to see Dr. Randal a Physiatrist that Dr. Burge, my Pediatrician, had prescribed for me to see. Dr. Burge had said she thought I was experiencing a mild case of psychosis and that she needed a Physiatrist to confirm her diagnosis. My first thought had been what is psychosis? I've never been really good with medical terms. She gave me pamphlets and ever since I laid eyes on the title cover I'd been praying her diagnosis was wrong. If she was right I would be legally crazy! On the first page it had said Psychosis is defined as a severe mental disorder in which contact with reality is lost or highly distorted.
"Moe?" My head shot up and I came face to face with a very professional looking woman. Her blonde hair was tied up in a bun and she was in a grey suit paired with a pair of black glasses. "Right this way." She said politely leading Lyle and I to a dull clinical looking room. She had us sit on the black couch in front of her desk and she took a seat in front of us. I squirmed around uneasily while she wrote something down on her clip board. "You seem nervous." She observed. Wow she's a genius I thought sarcastically. I only nodded in response to her observation instead of making a snide remark. "So I hear you're having some bad dreams and..." she paused to turn the page "hallucinations?"
"Yep." I said not sure what else to say.
"Do any idea what could be causing your dreams? Any recent diet changes or sleep habits, nasty blows to the head?"
"No, no, no, and no." I said. She continued listing off possible causes and after awhile we started talking about feelings and then she had me describe the dreams and hallucinations to her. Finally she said she would like us to wait in the waiting room and she would be with us in a moment. I walked to the same chair I had been sitting in earlier and flopped into it. Lyle slowly sat in the seat next to me his, eyes greyer than I had ever seen them, looking exhausted. "You look dead." I commented. He looked at me and gave me a weak smile.
"This from the girl who's insane." He joked. I knew he was joking but for some reason it really hurt. I didn't ask to be insane, I didn't feel any different than I had before except I'm a little for tired than I had been before but... I trailed off in my head knowing the thought wasn't worth finishing. "Moe, I was just trying to lighten the mood. It was just a joke." He said as tears welled up in my eyes.
"Very funny." I scoffed as a tear rolled down my cheek. "We don't know for sure that I'm nuts." I said trying to calm myself. "They aren't sure yet." I was talking to myself now. I silently prayed to god, something I hadn't done in a while, and begged for this not to be psychosis.
"I know. It's going to be okay." He said reassuringly as he leaned over the arm of my chair to bring me into a big bear hug. I hugged him back and bawled into his shoulder all I could think was why me? I heard someone clear their throat and I looked up from Lyle so I could glare at Dr. Randal. I suddenly understood the phrase 'kill the messenger.'
"I'm sorry to interrupt." She began not sounding sorry at all "but I would like to speak with your brother for a moment." Lyle got up and began walking toward her and into her office. I glared at the floor thinking of all the possibilities. What if they shipped me away or locked me in a crazy house?! By the time the door opened and Lyle walked out, I was hyperventilating. "Thanks for everything Dr. Randal." I heard a hint of sarcasm in his voice. He strutted over to me looking pained "Come on sis" he said gently grabbing my arm pulling me along with him.
"What'd she say Lyle?" I demanded as I walked his pace. He just looked at me briefly and kept walking "Lyle!" I stopped walking and just stared after him. He was really scaring me. He stopped and turned around looking weary.
"Moe we can talk about it on the way home." He whispered "I'll explain everything I swear, just not here. It's nothing terrible." He said. He bit the side of his lip, a sure sign he was lying, but I ignored it and nodded anyway. He seemed like he was in no shape to talk anyway. We slipped in his car and rode all the way home in a tense silence. I felt like I should say something to make him feel better but nothing was coming to mind. We pulled into the driveway and he watched me pull myself out of his car as if I would collapse in front of him. He should be worried about himself; he seemed more like the insane one than me right now. I went inside and sat on the couch and waited for him to join me. His face was serious as he sat stiffly next to me. I pulled my legs up to my chest and waited for the news. "She said you have a bad case of psychosis." He informed me glumly.
"Well what's the big deal we already assumed that? Isn't there a way to treat it or something?" I asked hopefully
"Moe" he said putting his hand on my shoulder looking into my eyes with his grey ones. Just with this small gesture I knew there was no real cure. "There are medications you can take and there a people you can see but..." Oh no a but "She said it would be best for your safety if you would stay in a facility trained to deal with your problem." My heart dropped.
"But..." I tried to form a sentence in my head that would make sense "But, it's not that bad." I sputtered.
"I know Moe. She said the final decision was up to us." He said quietly "I'm only considering it because you could hurt yourself otherwise."
"But it's only happened a couple time Lyle this is ridiculous!" I tried to convince him. "I'll be fine." I croaked. "I don't want to go. I *won't* go."
He smiled slightly at me "Why don't you sleep on it and if you still feel the same way tomorrow then you won't have to go." I was going to protest that I didn't need any more time but he interrupted "I'm gonna go call Mom and Dad. Why don't you go get ready for bed?" I nodded and numbly walked to my room. Why was he trying to get rid of me? I walked to my room and sat on my bed and stared at the green walls. This wasn't happening, not to me. I couldn't deny it Lyle was right, I would end up hurting myself if I stayed here. My phone started buzzing on my dresser and I walked to it like a zombie.
"Hello?" It didn't sound like my voice.
"Moe?" I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Sean?" I asked just to make sure it was him.
"What's wrong?" Jeeze where do I start?
"Can you come over?" I squeaked desperate to be in his arms.
"Yeah give me 10 minutes." I heard him shuffling around and then I heard his hand cover the receiver. I heard a door close and a car start a moment later.
"Sean? You're not going to drive with a phone in your hand. You hang up this instant." I said fearing for his life.
"You underestimate me too much." He whined sounding slightly relieved. "I'll see you in a minute. Bye Moe." he whispered.
"Bye." I said and hung up. Now all I had to do was kill 10 minutes till he got here. I decided it was a good idea to change into my pajamas after all. I changed into a pair of blue silky shorts and a gray tank top and crawled under the covers. I rocked myself back and forth just waiting for the knock on my door I was desperate to hear. How do you tell your boyfriend that you're insane? What if he ran out the door screaming and never came back? I was begging to feel nauseas with as the reality of my position began to leak its way into my head.
There was a knock on my door just before I hit breaking point. I looked up at a Sean who was blurred through my tears. "It's raining cats and dogs out there." He said shaking water from his hair. He twirled the hem of his shirt around his finger nervously and smiled shyly from the door.
"Hey" I croaked realizing how ridiculous my voice sounded.
He chuckled and walked towards me "Hey." He sat down on the edge of my bed and just stared at me. A tear rolled down my cheek and his face contorted in sympathy.
"Quit looking at me like that." I sniffed.
"I'm sorry." He scooted next to me and pulled me into his lap. I laid my head on his chest and he wraped his arms around me.
"They wanna take me away." I told him numbly.
"You're sounding more insane by the second." He joked "Who is they?"
"I am not insane!" I said pulling myself off his lap. I flopped on the bed and laid on my side so I was staring at the wall. Why was he being such a pig head? I need the sweet Sean right now. I touched my arm lightly.
"I didn't mean to..." he sighed "Will you please tell me what's wrong." I stayed silent, he didn't deserve to know. "Moe, please." He whispered laying behind me. He snaked his arms around my stomach and laid his chin on my shoulder. "What did the doctor say?" he whispered one more time.
"I have Psychosis and she said I would be safer in a hospital." I said quietly. The words stung in my mouth. I couldn't even imagine staying away from home for the rest of my life so I could stay with a bunch of other crazy people. I noticed that Sean still hadn't said anything. I flipped around in his arms so I could stare at him. His face was white and it looked like he was realizing what I meant now.
"I didn't think it was that bad." He whispered.
"I don't feel crazy or anything. I don't want to go!" I told him desperately.
He pushed my hair out of my face and kissed my forehead "I know you don't."
"What do I do?" I asked him hoping he would have the answer.
"I think you should look into it. This is a big decision." He said wisely, putting his forehead to mine. It helped to have him close to me.
"You're such a nerd." I said trying to ease the tension. I knew he was right, I didn't want to think it was the right decision.
"and you're crazy, so were even."
"Touché" I said smiling slightly. He chuckled and pecked me lightly on the lips. "So you don't mind that I'm crazy?" I asked mentally crossing my fingers.
"What? Bother me? Nah... just proves we were made for each other." He smiled and I melted. He chuckled and rubbed the bridge of his nose against mine. He touched his lips lightly to mine sending electricity through me. He kissed me harder and my head went light as our lips moved in sync. I tangled my fingers into his hair and he flipped on top of me without breaking the kiss. He licked my lip asking for entrance which I granted with ease. I laughed against his lips as his tongue explored my mouth. We both pulled back at the same time needing air. My lips were still tingling and my breath came in ragged gasps. He kissed my jaw neck and collar bone before moving back to my lips. He tugged at the hem of my tank top and moved his hands under my shirt to my stomach. I shivered slightly and grinned against his lips. There was a loud crack-caboom(!) of thunder in the back ground and I gasped and clung to his body pulling away from his kiss. He kissed my jaw "What's wrong?" he mumbled completely occupied.
"Um... I'm kind of terrified of thunderstorms." I breathed sheepishly. He looked at me skeptically.
"Seriously? Thunderstorms? That's what you're scared of?" I blushed lightly and nodded. Why was that so hard to believe? He grinned and rolled off of me, hugging me close. "You are so strange." He whispered into my hair. "But that's what I love about you." He chuckled to himself thoughtfully "Yeah that's it." He put a finger under my chin and tilted my face so I was looking at him. "I love you." He said and pecked me on the lips. I thought my heart was going to explode it swelled so big, it was getting caught in my throat.
"I love you too." I whispered burying my face in his chest. "You don't even know how much." I said. I felt him chuckle as I sat with my ear pressed to his chest. I fell asleep in his arms to the sound of his heart beating.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am sooooo sorry I haven't posted in forever!!! I just got so wrapped up in my other one! But I'll start posting on this one again too! Sorry for all the grammar/spell/anything errors I wanted to post this as fast as I could. I hoped you liked it! Was it too sappy? I was trying to make it you know romantic yet not so sweet that it's unrealistic :) Anyway I put the storm thing in there because it really is raining cats and dogs here now! It is storming like CRAZY!!! And I really do hate storms with a passion. They are awful!! I like rain cause it's fun to dance in but I don't like the big BABOOOM! That comes with it usually. So pointless! I'm watching suit life on deck :D haha this show is kind of dumb. I'm not afraid to say I am a Hannah Montana fan and I like Sonny With A Chance and Jonas L.A. I love kid shows! :D haha I am such a loser.
My sister has a pet rat. She took it home from the experiment they did in class last year and we've had her since and this week her head got shut in a door! Her eye came out!! She's blind in one eye! Prayers for our rat please!! :( it's the worst I mean she's not gross she is really adorable and smart! I hope she gets better! Oh and my knee surgery went well and I get my stitches out on the first day of school! Yaaay! Well I'm have to give my sister the computer she's begging for it! Thanks for reading!