As we pulled in at the guys’ RV, my eyes were instantly drawn to the sight of Caleb strumming a guitar. Caleb played the guitar? Who knew? But there he was, sitting on the edge of a camping chair, surrounded by a few other guys with their guitars, apparently engrossed in picking out the chords to some song. He never ceased to surprise me.
Before we were even out of the car, Austin jogged over to meet us. “Hey, you made it! Awesome!” He tugged Brit into a quick, unexpected hug, and her wide eyes met mine over his shoulder. I suppressed my chuckle as he made his way to me, but instead of wrapping me in one of his usual hugs, he gave me a playful punch to the upper arm with a, “Hey, you . . .” Well, that was awkward, I thought. What exactly had Caleb said to him about me? I was definitely going to find out-- one way or the other. “Looks like you ladies are in for a treat tonight --Caleb has agreed to play and sing. You have no idea how rare that is. He hates to perform, you know, play for an audience. He’s pretty good, but he usually only plays behind closed doors when he’s alone. Come on over and join the group.”
The darker side of dusk was falling, and the day’s warmth was giving way to the cooler evening air. The newly started fire in the grate still emitted streams of smoke as the bark around the logs’ edges gradually succumbed to the flames. I noticed several new faces around the fire and wondered who they were. “Grab some drinks from the coolers, and I’ll introduce you around,” Austin offered gesturing to a couple of over-sized red and blue coolers under the camper’s awning. Caleb’s back was to the fire, but I tried to pick out the sound of his guitar as we passed by.
Austin must have been taught the old standby rule of pointing out a topic people have in common when introducing them, and he danced through it like a pro. The last person he introduced me to was Brody, who would be a freshman at CSU in Fort Collins in the fall. As soon as Brody heard that Fort Collins was my hometown, he bombarded me with questions. By the time our conversation started to lag, I glanced around to find myself pinned by Caleb’s gaze. I sent him a rather unsure smile which he acknowledged with a slight nod before he turned away. Everyone had gravitated toward the fire, and Austin broke out the marshmallows. The bag was passed our way, so Brody and I took a couple of sticks off the picnic table, impaled some marshmallows, and made our way to the fire.
My first marshmallow was a royal flop bursting into flames and plunging into the center of the fire. “Here, take mine,” Brody offered, laughing as he held out his golden-brown-toasted-to-perfection marshmallow. “Was that any indication of your general cooking skills?”
“No,” I defended, “and I don’t care for your boring, personality-less marshmallow, thank you very much. I’ll do my own. The last one just barely slipped off.”
“Ha, more like it jumped off screaming in agony,” he teased. “At least let me give you a few pointers.” He finished off his marshmallow in a couple of bites then reached around me to guide my second marshmallow to a precise spot over the flames providing a running dialogue of detailed instructions on the perfect marshmallow roasting technique the entire time. I was laughing so hard by the time my marshmallow was done that it nearly plunged into the fire anyway. I savored my crispy-on-the-outside-warm-and-gooey-on-the-inside marshmallow as Brody toasted another one for himself. While he was waiting on his second one to cool, he looked over at me with a grin and reached out to trace his thumb along my chin. “Here, you’ve got some on your face. You’re a disaster with marshmallows, aren’t you? Maybe you should try another sport.”
Before I could make my witty comeback, something drew my eyes across the fire. Caleb stood, staring at us with a completely blank expression, his face devoid of all emotion. I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach. He looked so empty it hurt. I had to go to him.
“Hey, bro, how about some music?” Austin suggested rather loudly, stepping forward to pat Caleb on the back. Caleb tore his gaze from mine and nodded his agreement. It seemed the group had done this before because they automatically situated themselves comfortably around the guitar players’ chairs and the fire. Austin and Brittany motioned for me to join them on a blanket near the front, closest to Caleb, so I thanked Brody for his marshmallow roasting aid and made my way to their spot.
The campfire crackled and popped in the background as someone threw on a fresh log. The guitar players warmed up for a few minutes until someone suggested a song, and soon Caleb’s rich voice filled the evening air. Once the smooth, deep sound of his voice seeped into my soul, everything in me melted. I was lost. What had ever made me think that I had the strength to stay away from this guy? Nothing could be more impossible. The musicians took turns playing and singing until stars saturated the night sky and the fire gradually died down. Near the end of one of the other guy’s songs, Austin leaned over to Caleb and said only loudly enough for the four of us to hear, “Why don’t you play Jesse’s song. You know, the one I heard you playing in your room the other night. Our Jessie might like it.”
Caleb looked hesitant at first. “Don’t you think an old John Denver song is a bit cheesy for this crowd?” he asked, and I thought he might refuse.
“Who cares what they think? You like it, right?” Austin questioned. Caleb shrugged. “I say screw them. Play it. I like it, too.”
I think I actually held my breath until he looked into my eyes and spoke softly, “For you.” The haunting melody poured into the night as he sang out the lyrics,
“I often have wandered in deep contemplation
It seems that the mind runs wild, when you’re all alone
The way that it could be, the ways that it should be
Things I’d do differently if I could do them again.
I’ve always loved springtime, the passing of winter
The green of the new leaves and life going on
The promise of morning, the long days of summer
Warm nights of loving her beneath the bright stars
I’m just an old cowboy from high Colorado
Too old to ride anymore, too blind to see
I sleep in the city now, away from my mountains
Away from the cabin we always called home
And I dream I left there on an old Palomino
Whispering Jesse rode right by my side
I long to hold her, to hear her soft breathing
The touch of her cool hands on my fevered brow
Whispering Jesse still rides in the mountains
Still sings in the canyons, still lives in my heart.”
Silence hung in the air as the last notes faded into the darkness. “And that’s it for me . . . I’m calling it a night,” Caleb stated resolutely, getting to his feet. He smiled and shook his head when a few guests protested his departure. “Nope, sorry, early morning.” He turned to Austin. “Keep things under control out here. I don’t want any complaints from the neighbors,” and with that he took his guitar and went inside. As someone played another song, I saw a dim light go on in Caleb’s bedroom.
I sat in stunned disbelief trying to assimilate what had just happened. Whispering Jessie, he had called me that--more than once. It now took on a whole new meaning, but was I attributing it too much meaning? Was there even the slightest chance that he could feel about me anything remotely close to how I felt about him? I couldn’t exactly walk up and ask him. From the corner of my eye, I caught Brittany watching me a few times and wondered what she made of the situation. She’d been suspicious before after all. People were getting up to get drinks and to add more logs to the fire, so Brittany seized the opportunity to ask Austin if it was ok for us to go inside to use the restroom.”
“Yeah, just don’t advertise it to everyone else. These RVs have their limits, you know.”
We slipped into the RV and Brittany whispered, “I’ll go first, ok?”
I agreed and sat down on the sofa to wait for her noticing as I did so that Caleb’s door stood slightly ajar. “I’m gonna’ go on back out if that’s alright with you,” Brittany said as I stood to take my turn.
“Uhm, yeah, sure, go ahead,” I replied, wondering if she was intentionally setting me up.
When I came out of the restroom, Caleb’s light was still on and his door was still ajar. I gave in to temptation. My delicate knock pushed the bedroom door open enough for me to see Caleb standing in front of his open closet door. His shirt tail was untucked from his jeans, and as he peered over his shoulder to see me, I noticed that the front of his shirt was unbuttoned and hung open. “Jessie?” he observed with surprise.
I took a deep breath, stepped inside, and closed the door behind me. He turned to his closet as I walked closer. “What are you doing in here?” he asked brusquely. I reached under his shirt and splayed my hands across his bare back.
“I . . . I just wanted to see you,” I stammered, not able to come up with a good reason for my presence. My hands seemed to move of their own volition tracing a path up his muscles to glide along the skin of his wide shoulders.
He exhaled a ragged breath, “God, Jessie, you shouldn’t be in here.” He turned to face me and took my hands in his own.
I gazed up into his eyes, “Why?”
“You know why,” he answered, releasing my hands. I touched him tentatively at first then grew bolder, sliding my hands across the smooth expanse of his chest, up to his shoulders, and back down toward his abdomen, my gaze never leaving his blue eyes. His head dipped to seal my lips with his own in a kiss that left my head spinning.
He pulled away. “Didn’t you learn anything from your experience with that guy at the dance?” he asked with a tone of warning in his voice.
“You’re not like that.”
“And you think I can’t be?”
I answered by pulling his lips back down to mine. He complied willingly. My legs started to feel weak, so I gently tugged him toward the bed. “Jessie . . . don’t,” he protested mildly.
“I’m not afraid of you, Caleb.”
He looked at me. “Maybe you should be,” he said and changed the intensity of his kiss. We tumbled onto the bed, and his hand roamed roughly over me as his body shifted pressing me into the mattress. “Is this what you want, Jessie? Is it?” he demanded.
I knew he was only trying to scare me away. “Yes,” I heard myself answer breathlessly.
His body stilled immediately then he rolled away and sat up. “Leave, Jessie.”
I reached to touch his back. “Caleb . . .”
He jerked away as if I’d burned him. “Get out, I said, and don’t come back, ever,” he almost shouted. “Now!” he ground out angrily. “Go!”
I flinched at the heat in his last words; tears swamped my eyes as I scooted awkwardly to the end of the bed and straightened my clothes as I stood up. I struggled uselessly to regain my dignity on my short walk to the front door. Reaching for the doorknob, I heard something slam against the wall in Caleb’s room accompanied by a deep, muttered curse.
Brittany spotted me as I stumbled from the camper door and was by my side in seconds. She quickly positioned herself between me and the rest of the party. “Jessie, what’s wrong? What happened? Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.”
“Take me home . . . please,” I practically sobbed.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Austin asked lightly, approaching Brittany from behind.
“Jessie’s sick. I’m taking her home,” she covered quickly.
“Oh, geez, bummer Jess. Feel better. I’ll check on you tomorrow,” Austin offered. “Are you coming back?” he asked Brittany as she guided me toward her car.
“No, not tonight,” she shot back over her shoulder. “See ya’ later. Uhm, thanks, this was fun.”
#
I was mortified, simply mortified. There was no other way to put it. How could I possibly have allowed myself to do what I had done tonight? In what scenario in my mind had that been a logical thing to do? What had I been thinking? Sure, I’d always been a bit strong willed. I didn’t hesitate to go after the things I wanted, the things that mattered to me, but tonight had crossed some sort of invisible, rational behavior line. I had paraded myself into a guy’s bedroom -- a guy I’d shared no more than a few kisses with -- closed the door and practically attacked him. I covered my face with my pillow, too embarrassed to even face the darkness above my bunk. And, to top it off, he had, quite reasonably, thrown me out on my ear. Oh my gosh, I couldn’t even face myself, so how was I ever going to face him? Who was this crazy person living in my body these days? This couldn’t be happening, I assured myself. I would wake up tomorrow, and it would have all been a really bad dream. I would laugh. Yeah, tomorrow I would laugh about this.
#
No such luck. Morning broke and I wasn’t laughing, not even close. In the bold glare of daylight, reality was unavoidable. I’d made an utter fool of myself last night. I snuggled deeper into the covers with no intention of facing the world anytime soon. I squeezed my eyes shut willing my body to return to sleep, the only escape I knew from my humiliation. Time blurred into nothingness as I drifted into that soft, transitional state somewhere between wakefulness and sleep and rewrote the previous night the way it should have occurred.
When the ringing of the phone dragged me back to the real world, the hands on the clock read 11:30. I mumbled a groggy, “Hello,” into the receiver.
“Hey, sorry if I woke you up. Are you still sick?” Austin’s voice asked tentatively.
“Hey. Uhm, no, that’s alright. I’m better, I think. Just waking up.”
“Do you think you’ll feel like hanging out today? I mean, it’s ok if you don’t.” I wasn’t sure if that meant he wanted to or he didn’t want to but felt obligated to ask.
“Uhm, maybe. What did you have in mind?”
“Nothin’ much. Thought maybe your gran could drop you off at the marina after lunch, and we could see what you’re up to then. I’m kinda’ bored. I don’t have anything else to do.”
Normally, I would have made a joke about being his last resort, but after our past few awkward encounters I didn’t feel comfortable teasing him about it. We really needed to get past this. “Ok, yeah. If she can’t bring me, I’ll let you know. Otherwise, I’ll be there. Oneish?”
“That’ll work. See ya’ then.”
At least at the marina, I thought as I headed for the shower, I probably wouldn’t have to worry about running into Caleb. I could handle dealing with the Austin thing, but I wouldn’t be ready to see Caleb for a while, maybe never.
When I arrived, I spotted Austin on the pier by Caleb’s boat. He glanced up as I crossed the parking lot and sent me a wave, checked the knot securing the boat to the pier, and then headed my way. “Hey, you look steadier than you did last night. Feel ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine today.”
“Good,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets and shifting his gaze back toward the lake uncomfortably. “So, do you want to go out on the water, or would you rather do something else?”
“No, the water sounds good,” I answered, deciding the time alone would give me the opportunity to find out why things between us were so strained. At first we didn’t say much. Reviewing our rowing technique kept us occupied and helped ease us back into our usual interaction. Once some of the initial awkwardness had passed, I made my move. “Let’s stop for a minute, ok?”
“Yeah, need a break already?” he asked, resting his oar across his lap and allowing the boat to drift in the smooth water under the warm sunshine.
“Not exactly. Uhm . . . Austin, is something wrong . . . I mean . . . like between us? Things have been kinda’ weird lately . . . like awkward. Have I done anything wrong?”
He shrugged, “Nah.”
“Then what’s going on? Don’t try to tell me things haven’t changed cause you know they have.”
He looked at me then back at the water. “I don’t know?”
“Yes, you do. Has anyone said anything to you? I mean, I’ve had some people saying stuff to me,” I admitted.
“Yeah? Like what?”
“Well, like how maybe we should be a couple . . . you know . . . date. But Austin, if they did, I promise that’s not coming from me. I mean, I like you and all. You’re great . . . but just as a friend.”
“Who suggested that to you?”
“A few people. I’d rather not say who.”
“Brittany?” he asked.
“Brittany? Gosh no! Why? Has she said that to you?”
“She’s made a few comments . . . but not just her.”
“Wow! Brit? I didn’t see that one coming.”
“Yeah, look Jess, I’m sorry if I’ve ever given you the wrong impression,” he started.
“Whoa, hold it right there, buddy. I told you; this isn’t coming from me. I swear. I’ve never even implied anything like that to anyone, ever. Don’t be so arrogant! Maybe I should be worried that I’ve given you the wrong impression.”
His eyebrows lifted in surprise then his face lit up with a huge grin. “Well, maybe you should at that. I have to confess, I’m pining away over here with undying love. Could you possibly feel it too, my dearest beloved?” he proclaimed, exaggeratedly batting his eyelashes and patting his chest over his heart.
“You, jerk,” I laughed and splashed a handful of water at him. “So, can I safely assume we’re past all of this? Back to normal?”
“Yeah, I guess if you’re really sure you’re not hot for my bod. I mean, it would be totally understandable if you are,” he teased, flexing his biceps.
“Sorry, hot as you are, you’re not my type.”
“No? Who is your type?” he asked, suddenly curious.
I looked away across the water trying not to blush. “No one . . . I mean . . . that’s none of your business.”
“Ooh, none of my business, huh? That means there is someone, right? Am I right?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“No, but you’re not denying it either, are you? So, who’s caught the eye of the lovely Jessie? Let me see?”
“Austin, shut up. There’s no one . . . drop it.”
“Hmm, I’ll figure this out. I bet Brit knows . . . girls always talk about that stuff. Of course, she’s still not really confiding in me these days, but she’s coming around. I’ll get her back.”
“I thought she said I liked you?”
“No . . . it wasn’t exactly that. It was more, just, I don’t know . . . that we were so close, defended each other, stuff like that and maybe we were really more than friends.”
“Got it. Alright, let’s change the subject. Ok?”
“Yeah, I’m done with this. Friends?”
“Friends,” I agreed.
“This is a perfect day to be on the water, isn’t it? It’s so calm we can go pretty far out. Come on; put that oar back to work. I want to see how far we can make it.”
It was late afternoon by the time we returned to the dock. Austin secured the boat while I gathered up our supplies. As we strolled up the pier toward the parking lot together, I spotted the all too familiar form that I wanted most to avoid today bending over near the stairs sorting through some supplies outside a storage closet.
“Dang, what’s he doing over here?” Austin asked apprehensively. “Hope his mood has improved since this morning, or this may not be good,” he warned.
We tried to slip by without being noticed, but there was no chance. He spoke without even looking up. “Took that boat pretty far out, didn’t you?”
“The weather was good, and the water was calm. No reason not to,” Austin replied.
“Dammit, Austin. You know how fast storms can blow in. Don’t push your luck,” he snarled. I didn’t even allow my steps to hesitate, passing by as far away from him as the stairs permitted and continuing on to the parking lot to escape the sound of his voice. I took a deep breath, thankful that, at least, I had been able to avoid eye contact with him. Austin followed close behind.
“Sorry about that. I don’t know what his problem is today. He about took my head off this morning over nothing. We probably shouldn’t ask him to give you a ride. Think your gran can pick you up?”
“Yeah, I already planned it with her this morning.”