Songs:
Heart of stone by IKO
How to save a life by The Fray
Fix You - Coldplay
Human - Christina Perri
Creep by Scott Hoying and Caitlin Notey
a lot, i know, but it fits really well on the chapter, is good if you listen to them while reading
~*~
Harry's sleeves are full of blood and Louis is shocked, gasping from air with the vision of Harry holding a razor and already with his wrist covered in cuts, bleeding.
Louis is out of his body, he can't ratiocinate properly about what is happening right now. But right in the time he sees Harry like that he moves. He moves besides being in shock. It happens all too quickly, the bathroom seems to be darker than it really is and it's all blurry — probably because of the tears that are covering his eyes and streaming down his face without his permission.
Louis grabs the towels he can and drops in knees besides Harry. He throws away the razorblade, which is still in Harry's hands and presses the towels in his wrists. Harry is crying uncontrollably and Louis needs to shut his eyes tightly to control himself so he doesn't have a break down right there, because Harry is looking at him. He can see the panic the boy is passing through.
It's almost impossible to understand the words the younger boy is saying. Louis only catches "Louis" and"I'm sorry" repeatedly and then "I wasn't trying to kill myself". Louis knows he wasn't. The cuts weren't cut vertically but they are too deep and he can't form words in his head to make acts, because he needs to do something else, speak even. He can't just be there trying to stop the blood and cry looking at his best friend.
"Oh Harry... Harry why..." Are the first words Louis speaks and he can't recognise his own voice. He is scared, he can't believe what is happening. What he is feeling isn't half of what he felt when Harry fell on the lake.
"I'm sorry. I'm so so-sorry, Louis..." Harry is literally in panic and Louis asks himself if the boy is in pain due the force he is doing in his wrists with the towel — now half of the white fabric is replaced with red due the blood.
"We need to get you to the hospital" he manages to say
"No." Harry screams, cheeks and eyes wet with all the tears he is letting out. "No, no, no... please L-Louis... No." he breaks into sobs and it's when he finally looks away from Louis "I'll be fine. No please... I'm fine. Louis I will be-" He doesn't finish his sentence when starts crying harder.
His cries echo through the bathroom and right now, his cries and Louis' heavy breathe, are the only sounds able to be heard. Harry is still sat on the same spot, arm stretched with both Louis' hands pressing the towel around his wrists. Louis doesn't care about the blood dirtying his own clothes, he keeps in knees next to Harry, trying to clean his own tears by turning his head once in a while towards his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry Louis... I'm so sorry, I didn't want—I didn't want you to-" he stops again, but this time it's not because he starts crying even more, no. He even stops a bit by the shock.
Louis lets go his wrist and wraps his arms around Harry, taking him to his chest, almost to his lap. He keeps one arm intertwined around Harry's tummy and the other around his shoulders, touching his hair. He caresses Harry's curls and allows the boy to cry on his shoulder. This time is almost soundless since the sounds are muffled by Louis' shirt. But he knows Harry is still crying when he feels the hot breathe and the wetness hitting his shoulder and neck.
Louis bites his bottom lip to control his tears because no, he needs to be stronger for Harry, he needs to start breathing properly to do something useful. He doesn't see Harry pressing the towel around his own wrist, with his fingers when he takes Harry's head towards him, placing a kiss on Harry's temple.
"It's okay." His voice comes out as a whisper and muffled as well by Harry's hair, but the curly boy hears him "I'm here now. I'm gonna take care of you. I'm so sorry Harry," he continues, his tears wetting now Harry's brown hair. He pushes Harry even closer and tighter to him and keeps balancing his body as if he had a baby in his arms. Harry is the baby in this situation "So sorry that I left you. I love you, I'm here. I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." he keeps whispering the same words repeatedly but he probably doesn't realise when those same words leave his lips because he just wants to make his point clear, he wants to ink them on Harry's skin to remind him every time he feels down.
Louis knows that would be very useful the last months when he left Harry. He admits it, he left Harry, he knows it. And he hates himself, he can't forgive himself for all of this. Harry reached his limit point and it was mostly because of Louis. Louis broke his promise and left.
Somehow they fall into silence while Harry tries to control his breathing and Louis stops crying. They're still in the same position, Louis holding Harry while smelling the natural perfume from the older boy.
The image of Harry in the corner, crying and covered in blood is going to torment Louis and he still can't believe what happened. What is happening. He doesn't even dare to think about how long Harry is been cutting himself, how long Harry is feeling like giving up and what would have happened to him if Louis didn't decide to move and solve things this night. It all takes him to dark places he doesn't want to reach.
"Harry..." Louis whispers, his voice rough, almost tired. "Harry baby... we need to—I need to take care of you." Louis, even with his husky voice, can speak softly which is unbelievable and Harry is grateful, oh, so grateful. He sniffs and moves only to bury his face deeper on Louis' chest. "We need to stand up from the floor, all right?" Louis asks and everyone could tell that he had been crying.
"No..." Harry whispers and his voice sounds worse than Louis'. "No I don't want to..."
Louis sighs, sadly sighs. "I need to... Harry, show me." Louis says starting to pull away from Harry but the green eyed boy — whose eyes now are probably more red and swollen than anything — keeps his face hidden, afraid of Louis seeing him. Literally.
"No." Harry repeats.
"Harry... Show me your wrist." He feels Harry shaking his head on his chest
"I don't want—I don't want you to see it." He sobs
"I need to."
"But... but why?"
"Because..." Louis starts stroking his hair and then rests his chin on top of Harry's head. He needs to shut his eyes tightly to prevent the tears coming again "Because I want to see how many times you needed me and I wasn't there for you." He whispers. He even thinks Harry stops breathing for a couple of seconds.
Slowly — but really slowly — Harry starts raising his head, making Louis pulling away his chin as well. When he can finally see Harry's face — and this time he really sees — he raises his hand to rest it above Harry's cheek
"Harry..." He whispers caressing Harry's swollen cheek. He has a bruise right there in his cheekbone and it seems made at least yesterday and if Louis would pay even more attention he could see the fading one on his jaw.
Harry flinches with the touch and with that pulls away from Louis' fingers. Louis looks almost confused at him, because why would he pull away the touch? But more important, where did he get that bruise?
Louis' questions are pulled back when Harry, still looking away from Louis, shows Louis his wrists. Louis looks at Harry's profile for a moment before dropping his eyes to Harry's arm. Softly, Louis holds him by his arm and takes the towel from Harry's wrist, showing him the four fresh cuts — Louis was sure it looked like Harry had done more. The blood is nearly dry and now Louis can see how open the skin is and how deep they are. His eyes travel around the hurt skin. He can see faded cuts covering half of his forearm.
Carefully — but really carefully — Louis passes his fingertips through the scars, ignoring Harry's whimpers. It probably doesn't hurt him but Louis has a slightly idea about what he is feeling right now.
He wants to ask his best friend — yes his best friend — why, why did he start doing this? Why was he giving up? But instead, he drops Harry's delicate arm and stands up from the floor, bringing the towel with him. Harry looks at him confused, but Louis doesn't catch his expression by being leant over against the bathroom sink, wetting the tip from the towel that has no blood.
He goes back to Harry, and Harry feels the urge to touch Louis' soft skin and wipe his tears away — he doesn't do it anyway. He drops in knees, being in the previous position and takes Harry's arm on his hands, once again. He starts cleaning the cuts and even though Harry flinches with it, he lets Louis do it.
So it goes like this. Always in silence, Louis takes care of Harry's wounds. He is constantly standing up and sitting next to Harry to grab the things he needs and when he finds the bandage, he applies it around Harry's wrist gently. When he looks up to see the beautiful boy's face, Harry never looks back at him. Louis asks himself if he even took his eyes off from the white tile.
"C'mon Harry, let's take you to bed now." Louis finds a way to calm himself and talk normally.
When he tries to help Harry to stand up, the curly haired boy pulls away his touch, again. Louis looks hurt at him "No." Harry says again and why? Why is he doing this now, Louis asks himself. Because he is here. He is here now — now — so he wants to help him, he wants to be good for Harry. Because Harry doesn't deserve what Louis did to him, Harry doesn't deserve anything that he has been through. Harry doesn't deserve being hurt by himself.
"We can't be sat here forever. Let's go to your room."
"No. No, no, I'm staying here. I-I can't..." His voice is low and tired and Louis is just so worried that he is going to pass out.
"Harry, listen, we-"
"No Louis." Harry interrupts him and they finally enchase gazes. Harry's voice, this time, is louder than before "No, you don't need to..." he shakes his head and Louis has his heart on his sleeves. Louis knows Harry is kind of telling him to go away, but Louis won't go. Louis won't leave. Ever again.
"Harry..." he says after a minute of silence. He seriously doesn't know what to do and how to start the conversation he wants to have with Harry "Harry, why?" So he asks. He asks once again and he hopes he gets an answer this time. He follows the boy's move when Harry brushes his thumb above the bandage on his wrists. Louis notices that he is pressing his lips tightly against each other. "Harry," he tries again. He won't give up. "why did you do this? You know it's not... god why are you hurting yourself this way." Louis asks and the words almost come out in frustration.
"Why can't I?" Louis hears Harry's voice and green meet blue when Harry raises his head and keeps looking at Louis while talking this time "Why? Why can't I hurt myself when others do? I mean it's right for other people hurt me but it's not when I do it to my myself?" he would be probably shouting if he didn't feel this weak. "Everyone keeps hurting me Louis and when you have no one, there is no way you can handle it. I tried to convince myself whole this months that I didn't need someone... I didn't need you to hold myself together. But I failed it. I failed and things got dark for me. Darker because I can't..." he stops to take a deep breath and Louis is nearly in tears again and Harry can't keep himself together and Louis feels like giving up as well, but not in Harry, no. He will never give up on Harry, but give up on himself... maybe. Because he did this. He is the reason why Harry lost himself. The reason why Harry is fading away.
"I'm sorry..." Louis doesn't know how many times he already said it
"No you're not."
"Harry! You're my best friend-"
"I'm not,"
"You are. Fuck, I know... I can't believe I did this to you. I broke—I broke our promise and I feel like—I feel like I failed in life because... you are my life and I disappointed you. But, I'm here now and I know I should have been here always and not sometimes. I know it." he makes a pause but Harry doesn't take the opportunity to talk "listen, I want—fuck Harry just tell me why..." Louis knows it's a stupid question but he wants answers and he mostly wants to hear what Harry has to say, what he has on the inside and is being eaten by the darkness, creating all his bad thoughts. Harry needs to let himself fall over, run away from them and Louis will be outside to catch him.
Harry takes time. He takes time because he knows Louis is there now to listen to him. And he's concerned, Harry knows he is. But it's so hard, so hard. Louis gets it, so he waits.
"There is some voices Louis..." Harry looks at Louis. He looks at Louis and that's such an achievement because Louis knows he is going to talk, he always looks at Louis while he talks about things that really matter. Things that he wants Louis to understand and keep with him "Voices that keep telling me to do this, because I deserve it. I deserve all this pain. And then there is those images on my mind. All dark except the razor and the blood... I feel so alone. I'm so alone. And I do it and... and I said it was okay to you. I said it was all fine but it wasn't Louis. I missed you and you left me. You left. I didn't have you. And then I saw, I saw how much I actually needed you. So much that it was scary. But you wasn't there. I was left alone with all— all this monsters and they, they made me believe they were my friends." there is a pause and Louis needs to blink a few times to rehear Harry's words on his mind.
"I only had them to talk about my parents. They said that I should harm myself because just that way they'd stop fighting and shouting. I also talked to them about you, you know? They said you left because I deserved it, so I needed to harm myself. I made you leave." Louis shakes his head and he wants to tell him no, no they're wrong. But Harry doesn't allow him to. "And then... then there were those guys at school..." he looks away from Louis for some time before continuing "They started to hit me. I wanted to tell you the first time they did it, but they didn't mess with me anymore so I told you that lie about slipping. It was like they were waiting for you to leave for real because then they started to hit me really bad, till my arms got bruised from them grabbing me, my whole body ache and they didn't have mercy. I don't know why they started doing it. I think it was just to have some fun. Because it's funny to hit a quiet boy who doesn't have friends. Who is alone."
"I deserve all of this Louis because I made you leave, I made myself being like this. It's all my fault. Even my parents say so. Those guys hit me because of who I am. And I hate who I am so it's fine. But it doesn't matter, does it?" there is another pause and Louis is speechless. Harry is seriously bad and for a moment he remembers about what his mother said to him when he was younger. About Harry might needing serious help. She was right — as always — and Louis didn't believe her. He does now. Even if he wants to help Harry himself, he doesn't know if he can. This is serious. "It doesn't, Louis, right?" Louis knows Harry is about to cry once again by how his bottom lip is trembling and his eyes watering, and Louis can't allow it "It doesn't because I suck and no one wants me." Harry looks away from Louis "I wouldn't. Even I don't want me. I hate myself Louis, you should leave. I'm fucked up, I'm done... I'm tired I-"
"Harry..." he can't, he won't let Harry start crying again. He can't allow those monsters making Harry believe in the words he is saying. He will try to fix him. He needs to. "Harry, Harry," he takes the boy's hands in his and yes, he finally gets to touch him properly, brushing and drawing invisible circles on Harry's soft skin with his thumb. And it feels good because Louis should be there to do that to Harry when he'd feel down. He should be there to comfort him. "look at me baby," he lifts his chin so Harry's eyes are on him "I won't leave you. I'm here with you now and-"
"For how long?" Harry interrupts him — again — and his voice is already cracking
"Forever." Louis answers quickly, now with his both hands on Harry's "For as long as I can, as long as you want me to. I'll hold you as long as the stars are above you." Louis slips a small smile by how cheesy his words are but goes back to his serious expression "I don't know Harry, damn... I'm sorry you know? But I won't let you give up. I want you to see yourself like I see you, because you're so amazing Harry... don't you see? You deserve everything in the world and I'll be here to offer how much I can. I want to make you feel so fucking happy that you forget every bit of sad in you. And I know... I know I hurt you and made you feel this way and hell, I hate myself for this. I feel so bad you can't imagine and seeing you... Harry seeing you like this pains my heart because I love you so, so fucking much, you're my best friend."
"And I promise, I promise here Harry, I promise with all my strength, for my life, that I won't leave you ever again and I'll help you and be here for you like I was and like I always should have been." Louis says these words almost shouting to make everything clear "I don't know if you will trust me again but I beg you to. And please don't say those things about yourself ever again... you have me okay? And I want you, you matter to me and you belong here with me, remember?" Harry does "I'm gonna keep taking care of you. But you're right, you're kind of fucked up yes... but in a cool way. And you're full of the loudest secrets no one's ever heard but I am here to listen to them. And I am fucked up too, damn, I've been this last month drinking and smoking pot, basically doing shit, losing myself and hurting the people I care the most. So we can support each other. We can help each other."
Louis waits for Harry to speak, to say something, but he doesn't. Harry keeps staring at Louis, not saying a word and Louis doesn't know if that's a bad or good thing, he just knows the floor is too cold and it makes hurt his bum.
"Harry?" He calls the boy and decides to grab his wet cheeks to lean Harry closer to him, so their foreheads are touching and they're breathing in each other's lips. And Louis remembers, he remembers when he did this when Harry told him about his parents — Louis remembers everything, really; he just doesn't know if Harry does as well. "Hazz, you heard me? I'm gonna help you. I'm here now, okay? You see, I'm here, you feel me?" he caresses the boy's cheeks and Harry blinks twice and that's kind of a start. "I'll help you but... you need to let me help you. You need to let me in again. You need to collaborate in this because if not... if not I have to tell my mother about this because then she'll know how to help. And that probably involves a therapist and your parents being aware this."
Harry shakes his head furiously in Louis' hands and he opens his eyes widely. Louis knows if Harry's parents get to know about this he's fucked. Harry is fucked. Or he is fucked or his parents won't give a shit — like at the point of really despise his son — and Louis doesn't know which one is worst.
"So you'll need to stop. I'll help you. I'll try because I want you okay. You can't do this again Harry, you can't hurt yourself." Louis speaks slowly and softly, the softest he can so Harry doesn't feel uncomfortable. He's so nervous and Harry probably feels his hands shaking "That doesn't help, it just makes it worse. I don't want you to do that and those voices... they're not your friends. I am." Harry looks at Louis more carefully and gently. His gaze is angelical and Louis can appreciate the real colour of his eyes.
"You promise?" Harry doesn't say a word and Louis doesn't even mind if he's holding the boy's cheeks too tightly. It's in a gentle way, really. "Harry, I need you to promise." He says "you promise you won't cut again, you promise you'll talk to me instead?"
"I-I promise..." Harry whispers looking at Louis in the eyes "God, I promise Lou."
Louis needs to smile for real now, and he's so close to Harry that for a moment he even thinks about kissing his plump and pink lips like when they were younger. He doesn't know why that idea gets to his mind, maybe the fact that he is so happy to listen those words because they're important and he'll make everything so they go to be what they were. And he probably has his best friend back.
He leans over and places a kiss on the corner of Harry's lips instead and then in his cheek, kissing away those sad and salty tears. Then he pulls Harry into a hug again, by the back of his neck, and feels Harry breathing on the crook of his neck. And that's it. They're alive again. Louis is holding Harry and that's the right thing.
"I missed you." Louis whispers, not sure if the younger boy can listen to — probably yes because he feels Harry's lips being pressed on the bare skin of his neck, more likely as an answer.
So they stay like this for some seconds till Louis pulls away and tells Harry again to go to bed. This time Harry doesn't deny it, he nods and takes Louis' hand in his and both head back to the room. They lay don't on bed and Louis doesn't hesitate to pull Harry into his chest — their so familiar, comfy and welcome position.
"You meant it?" Harry asks after some seconds of them just listening to the sound of their breathing. The air in the room is quite heavy but they're still covered with a thin sheet. Louis' with his same clothes as well as Harry.
"I meant everything." Louis answers quietly even not knowing what Harry is referring specifically.
"So you do promise? Not leaving me?"
"Yes. I promise Harry."
"We'll be together then..." it's not a question and Harry says it snuggling into Louis' chest and taking one of his arms above Louis' body.
"We will." Louis chuckles smelling Harry's soft hair. He almost forgot how wonderful this feels.
"And I will beat the shit out of those guys at school." Louis says out of nowhere, also, after some minutes
"No, Louis, it will be worse." Harry raises his head to look up at Louis. Louis shakes his head and kisses Harry's nose ignoring his disapproval sound.
"No it won't. They're cowards Harry and I can't let them hurt you." Harry opens his mouth to protest but Louis doesn't allow him to "You'll tell me who they are and I'll go have a talk with them. If they don't stop, so you have to tell me if they mess with you again, we'll go to the police because what they do to you, it's a crime. It's bullying and it's... it's just so wrong Harry, I can't let this happen." He finishes. He'll even take Mickey and Ian with him if it's necessary. They have to be good to something. "Okay?"
Harry wants to protest about it, he really does, but it won't take him anywhere. So he nods. He nods and hopes everything will go well.
"Don't leave me, I love you so much." Louis listens to Harry and he's sure he's not supposed to hear that because Harry whispers really quietly and his voice is sleepy, his eyes are closed and he's warm against Louis' chest, but Louis hears and smiles and kisses his hair... he just can't imagine he let this precious boy go from his arms, because he's so important and he almost, he almost forgot how everything between the two started and all of their important promises and secrets.
Harry is just everything to him and he needs him in his life as much as Harry needs him "I love you too. I'll help you baby, I will." So he whispers back, probably also not with the intention of Harry listening to him, but he does. And raises his head to smile at Louis — it takes him so much effort to open his eyes again, but he does it anyway, only for the pretty boy named Louis — and Louis smiles back and joins their foreheads and maybe, just maybe they only really fall asleep an hour later — close, so close that is almost impossible to breathe — due the fact of being whispering sweet nothings at each other and just talking... because yeah, that's how they're. They always have something to talk about.
Louis wakes up the next day, with Harry wrapped in his arms and he missed the first — and probably the second — class. So did Harry. But he doesn't care. He gets up, carefully not to wake up the gorgeous boy named Harry, and changes his bloody shirt into a clean one from Harry's. And he does the same with Harry. Throwing away the hot sweater — which made the curly boy sweating while sleeping — and he whispers a thank you when Harry doesn't wake up even after Louis leaving him shirtless with the sheets covering his soft and tiny body.
Then Louis makes a mental note to change Harry's bandage because he's sure the cuts opened. Afterwards he goes to the bathroom and cleans up all the mess and all the bad episode from there, and he doesn't only clean the blood, but also the tears from last night. He makes sure to throw away the razor Harry used, that awful, ironed thing... and he makes sure that Harry has nothing similar to that in his room.
After all that time Harry is still sleeping and Louis bets it's the most and best he slept in weeks so he leaves him, only to go downstairs and prepare a good breakfast as if the house was his. So comfy and familiar and that's good. That's wonderful. And Harry wished he could wake up every morning with Louis' lips pressed on him. Soft pecks on his shoulder and neck, cheeks and nose, forehead and hands — not even giving time to himself to ask why he is shirtless because he just starts giggling — and with Louis' voice marking I love you's in his swollen skin which soon, soon will be cured because his soul will be cleaned and feel loved again.