There was something missing in my life. I yearned for it. It wasn't the right time at all but I just couldn't stop thinking about it. It was strange how things change. Just months ago it wasn't on my mind at all, now I couldn't let it go. I was determined to get it.
I was back in my flat after the Christmas holidays. My flatmates weren't back yet, spending all the time they could at home with their families. I was glad of the time alone. Christmas was so busy and so many people came and went. I'd had no time to think about the term ahead and the work I had to do.
The place was so empty now. I thought I could use the quiet to get right back into my university studies but I couldn't stay focused on it at all. My heart ached for what I was missing. I wasn't home sick, I didn't know what that felt like. I wasn't even out the city I'd always known. I'd never been bothered about being away from my family before.
It was overwhelming. I was meant to be revising for an exam I had to sit in a few days time. I couldn't concentrate on any of my notes or the textbooks I had. I was just crying and I couldn't understand why.
Before I came back, I'd spent as much time as I could with my best friend and her new baby over the past few days. I never thought I'd be that friend or that person. Now I was away from them it was like I was grieving. It was like I'd never see them again. I'd never have the bond between mother and baby that they had either, that was what was crushing me. I was grieving so hard for something I hadn't lost which just made it all the more confusing.
Everything about me was changing. I was getting obsessed by something that wasn't going to happen. Every time I was in front of a mirror I stared at my tummy, seeing it as I wanted it to be. I wanted it to be growing rounded. I wanted my little baby growing in there.
An image grew so strongly in my mind. I thought about it more and more. Me stood there with my reflection looking back at me, my long curly dark brown hair resting on my huge pregnant belly or even holding the newborn in my arms.
My friends were starting to have kids and I was being left behind. They tried to put me off with stories of no sleep, shit and tantrums, not all from the children. Nothing stopped me dreaming, I longed for it. I hadn't even thought about babies, I didn't like them at all, and I certainly didn't ever want one, not until very recently. After I had gotten the baby bug, bad, I could hardly think of anything else a lot of the time.
I had dreams. I had to finish my degree. I was considering going on to do a masters too and then a PhD. After I finished my education I was going to go into academic research, write books and make a real contribution to the representation of history. I was going to do it all but my mind was telling me to put it aside for a baby
I didn't have a boyfriend and I didn't want one so I fantasised about going on a night out and shagging some randomer to get what I wanted. As a student it wasn't unreasonable for me to go to one of the clubs and pull someone, anyone. I kept building I was too sensible and too scared of getting HIV and all that stuff to do that so I stayed in and tried to focus on studying.
It was a scary time to live in. I knew people who were getting ill from it and they didn't even know, they didn't want to face up to it. No one wanted to get tested for something that couldn't be treated. That advert was out to terrify us all and demonise the illness. I couldn't go to my gay friends to give me a baby, the risk was too high.
It had to be someone straight and someone I trusted but I didn't have anyone to turn to there. I wasn't an innocent little virgin, I just wasn't interested. I didn't really see the point of relationships and I didn't often feel emotion for other people. Trying to get close to someone like that seemed pointless.
There was nothing I could do, or so I thought. That was until I remembered my brother was in a band with four other lads. That was the answer. I could get familiar with them.
They'd been formed a while as the Rain but they recently got a new member and a new name. They didn't really do gigs anymore so it wasn't like I could meet one of them like a very early groupie. Bonehead said the new guy was relentless in rehearsal. They were surely going to be great when they did get a gig. Other than Bonehead, there was four of them. Four men, one of them would have some fun with me surely. If not, it was back to the drawing board.
I already knew Tony a bit and I was quite close to Guigsy or I had been a while back before university. I just needed to meet the other two, the brothers.
He said they were always in the rehearsal room at the Boardwalk. I decided to pay them a visit. I was sure they wouldn't mind me being there.
I didn't know what to wear, I didn't want to go fancy or anything but I didn't want to look like I didn't care either. I ended up with jeans, a t-shirt and a denim jacket. I plaited my hair thinking about how dad had always insisted bonehead had very short hair where as my hair had been all lengths.
The Boardwalk was busy but someone showed me to the way downstairs to where they were. They were playing something as I got there but as soon as I opened the door the noise stopped dead like it was top secret. I was intrigued.
The room was white but more gone grey and grimy. It was packed with instruments and the five band members. The lack of space and the cigarette smoke in the air made it so stuffy, I immediately decided I shouldn't stay too long.
"Oi no birds allowed." someone sat with a guitar, furrowed his eyebrows at me the moment I walked in. "Who're you?"
I could hardly focus on what he said, I was trying to take in his huge brown eyebrows and the piercing blue eyes they sat above. I liked that he was bossy and direct even if it came off as hostility. I smiled at him, staying quiet. Guigsy sniggered really quietly, trying to be inconspicuous and I gave him an agreeing look but he was looking down. Noel sounded like a little boy keeping me out of his fort. I couldn't wait to get to know him. He seemed like my kind of person.
"This is my sister Kassidy." Bonehead pointed out. He introduced me to the brothers. I'd already guessed the Noel and the Liam from what he'd told me.
Liam was the younger, the taller and the thinner. He had the same blue eyes but his were inviting. His eyebrows were less thick but formed more of a monobrow. They were both surprised he had a sister, Noel reiterated his no girls allowed policy but I stayed.
Tony said hi and Guis' realised who I was and stared at me like he had a million questions. Neither of us said a word to each other. We had a lot of things left unsaid.
I promised they wouldn't know I was there and went and sat near Guigsy. I was surprised Noel didn't insist I left and attempt marching me out the room going by my reception.
Once they'd relaxed and gotten over my arrival they started playing. Noel wasn't hostile at all while he was strumming on his guitar. They definitely accepted me when they realised they could send me to the bar for drinks whenever they wanted.
He and Liam were actually really funny, I couldn't stop giggling at how awkward they were together. Liam glanced in my direction every time he thought he said something funny. I always looked right back, trying to make an impression too.
I wasn't used to this. I didn't know what I was doing. I was going by what I saw in movies, scripted shows. Two lads were quietly flirting along with me while they were playing, without the others noticing.
When they were done rehearsing, me and Guigsy sat waiting while everyone else left.Liam didn't even speak to me as they left, resting his voice after all that singing. Not that I was bothered, I didn't want to chat. Guigsy was all I needed. As soon as they were gone, the questions began.
"Where the fuck have you been Kass?"
"I've been busy."
"Doing what? What's taken up three years that you couldn't even fucking talk to me?"
"I had to retake my A Levels. I couldn't have anything pull me away from them again."
"Retake?" he frowned. "You were in school?"
"Yeah. I stayed on."
"Studying? Doing exams?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"Because I got the grades to be able to keep studying."
"And you finished them now?"
"Yeah, two years ago."
"What've you done since then?"
"Nothing much really. I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd want to know about all that. I didn't think you wanted to hang out anymore."
I decided I couldn't tell him I'd gone on to university too. I thought it best I kept quiet about that to all the members of the band apart from Bonehead obviously. The only problem was if I wasn't going to mention uni I had a two year gap filled with nothing.
"I did! I would've been interested. You just blew me off to do some bloody exams, why didn't you just tell me and I wouldn't've asked you to hang out so much?"
"I thought you'd think I was being a total nerd and an idiot, staying in school when everyone else was out living their lives."
"I would've been proud of you for trying to be better than what we were given. I thought I'd done summat wrong. I missed you."
I smiled. "I missed you too, that's why I came here. Bonehead was talking about the band over Christmas and I couldn't stay away."
"I'm glad you're back but it's gonna be hard pretending I don't know ya more than being Paul's sister if you're gonna keep coming."
"We did plenty behind his back before, we can do it again if you want."
"It was a laugh, course I wanna do it all again."
I grabbed him and kissed him, very quickly turning it decidedly French. I couldn't have demonstrated any clearer what I wanted from him.
Guigsy showed me to the toilets. He didn't have a condom, I told him we knew each other enough not to use one and that I wouldn't trust those ones in the machines. They're stored in the lads' toilets for who knows how long, how bad must they be? He didn't argue at all. He didn't want to use one, he just wanted me to think he would've done without question if he did have one.
It didn't take us long to fumble into having sex in a locked cubicle. We didn't even try to take our clothes off more than what was strictly necessary. It wasn't the most passionate toilet shag but Guigsy was good at what he did.
When we were finished and were straightening up our clothes to leave he asked me something I wasn't expecting. "So are we gonna be a thing now then, Kass? Y'know, together?"
I didn't know how to answer so I tried hesitantly. "Erm, I don't think so, we're friends. Do you want...?"
"You're a psychopath." he commented.
"What?" I acted a little shocked.
It wasn't the first time I'd been accused of Psychopathy, it wasn't the first time he'd called me a psycho. It would never be the last either. People tended to notice my lack of emotion and my lack of attachment when it came to other people. That was unfair I always thought. I was amoral and any relationship I had I could take it or leave it but I wasn't a psychopath. I was just misunderstood when it came to the feelings and emotion I lacked.
"All the birds want to be yours and you be theirs long before they'll go there, not you. You're not interested in the fucking slightest."
"Not wanting to take ownership of you makes me a psychopath?" I raised my eyebrows. "I don't want anything from you, you're a free man, you should be happy. You know I was never looking for a boyfriend in you."
"What if I don't wanna be a free man? What if I want you to be more like those girls?"
"Then you'll be left wanting." I stated. "I'm never going to be like other girls."
"You don't want a relationship at all, do ya?"
"We're friends, aren't we?
"I guess... I just wanna know where I stand."
"In the Boardwalk's boys bogs."
He rolled his eyes. "What do I tell Bonehead?"
"Don't tell no-one nothing. We had sex in the toilets, let's not shout it from the rooftops." I said like I was ashamed of what we'd done but of course I wasn't.
"Well, are we gonna do it again?"
I unlocked the door and shrugged. "Maybe."
We were definitely going to do it again but he didn't need to know that. He wasn't happy with maybe. He wasn't exactly living up to his womanising reputation. I didn't understand why he was so keen to put labels down on us when we'd just had a one night stand.
He wanted to see me make it home safe but I insisted there was no need. I didn't need people to keep me safe, I was fine on my own. We parted ways.
Once I was back home I laid, trying to sleep. I'd heard you're supposed to lay for ages after to get pregnant, I had to get home first but better late than never. I laid awake too excited, thinking too hard about the route those sperm cells could be taking. We could've created life, just like that in.that one act. I ended up falling asleep when I was deep into imagining taking a pregnancy test for it to come up positive. I needed those two lines.
The next morning I couldn't believe what I'd done. No one would believe me if I ever tried to tell them, not that I would. I was excited though. It could've happened. I could be pregnant. All I could do was wait and see.
I tried hard to revise for the exam I'd come back to my flat to study for. I had to put the idea of getting pregnant right to the back of my mind so I could take the exam. The moment I finished answering the questions, all I could think of was having sex with Guigsy. I couldn't help thinking about how this was going to go, I was just going to have to keep going with it until I had my baby. My mind wandered into worrying that there was something wrong with me and I might never get pregnant.
After the exam there was a week before term started for real. It was so inconvenient and weird of them to put the exam on so early but it was over with and the free week gave me time to be around my new favourite band.
I didn't know why but I loved going to the Boardwalk so much. I'd never enjoyed being around other people so much in my life. Noel still didn't warm to me being there but Guigsy and Liam vouched for me.
"I know why you want her here." Noel pointed at Guigsy and then to Liam. "But why d'you want her here?"
He had apparently read our closeness well. I felt that the others sensed it too but were more than happy to keep quiet.
"Why does Guis' want her here?" Bonehead interrupted what Noel was doing, he was giving out looks like he'd be so pissed if he found out we'd gotten together.
"We're friends, we've been friends for a while, you know that." I said innocently as I sat by Guis' again.
"Yeah, well, you'd better not get too fucking friendly." he grumped as the protective big brother.
"Wouldn't want our Guis' getting distracted." Liam commented.
"Nor you." Noel added.
They all shuffled around with their instruments, Liam altered his microphone stand. The atmosphere was deep into tense and incredibly awkward.
"I'm not into any of you like that so get over yourselves. I'm just here for the music." I tried to relieve the situation. "What was that song you were doing before? That one about the cigarettes..."
"Cigarettes and Alcohol." Noel answered as though I was a bit dumb for not knowing, he gave his band a look indicating for them to start and he started playing on his guitar.
The song was brilliant. Liam's singing captured the mood of the song perfectly. The guitar riffs and the drumming were far too much for a room this small. It could blow roofs off stadiums, that's just what Noel had in mind for it. It was all so unstoppable.
I soon found out that it wasn't just Oasis that used the room, a band called Sister Lovers were there, using it too. They were trying to push Oasis out of rehearsal room and into doing gigs again, I hoped they got through to them.
Author Note- I started writing this with the idea that it would be based off of my second and third year at university but then I remembered I didn't do anything but sit and write on Wattpad or write assignments which wouldn't make for eventful reading. So I guess it's based on what I would've done if I had any kind of interest in socializing and wasn't so depressed and reclusive. I definitely didn't know anyone in a band, never mind ones that were about to be Oasis. My tutors posted about this year' students handing in their dissertations and I can't believe that was a year ago already so this is the time to post this.
I'm really not sure about the pacing or whether Kassidy is going to come off as likable or has a story people are going to want to read but I'm going to put that down to being the first chapter, trying to set everything up but not reveal too much.
I've never given a writing/ posting schedule and I'm not starting now, the idea was to keep LAMB as my main story followed by Acquiesce and then this and this whenever I wanted a baby so I could pour it into this since it's not gonna happen in real life any time soon. As the new story, it's the one I've been writing most, getting me through work and the day in general.
I just watched This is England '90 again to get early 90s vibes from it, now I'm just sad because of the story and that it's over again and that's meant to be the last we'll ever have of This is England. Why did I let myself watch it again?!
I just realised I told myself to listen to Noel's new album before I posted and I completely forgot about it, so I guess I've accidentally bought myself some more avoiding time. Soz Noel.