Let brotherly love continue.
- Hebrews 13:1
He held me for an instant
But his arms felt safe and strong
It only takes a moment
To be loved a whole life long.
- "It Only Takes a Moment", Hello, Dolly!
"Anneth, don't leave!" cried Amarwe helplessly from where she was pinned to the ground.
"Laineth, come along, we must find Ada or Voronen!" urged Anneth, picking Laineth up in her arms easily, her steps turning to a run.
"Laineth, please stay with me!"
Anneth did pause for a moment, tears in her eyes, turning to face her littlest sister. "Amarwe, worry not, I shall return, I cannot leave Laineth here with you!"
"But can't you–can't you–pick it up yourself!" the elleth choked out through her incessant sobs.
Anneth's heart seemed to break in two that very moment, and tears streamed down her face. "I will find help, Amarwe. I cannot lift the log myself, else I would have done it already."
Amarwe only continued to cry from the pain and the hurt of being abandoned by the older sister she both loved and admired.
The tears only fell down Anneth's face quicker as she turned and fled as fast as her legs might take her, even as she carried Laineth. Each cry from Amarwe that met her ears sent a stab of hurt and sadness through her heart, and fervently she prayed that she would move quickly enough to ensure Amarwe would not be injured severely.
The three sisters had been playing in the trees near their home, when one of large trees collapsed, falling where Amarwe had been seated, pinning her leg down and crushing it. There had been no sign that any danger would meet them, and yet it did. Anneth wept, for it so seemed that it was within her power to ensure the tree would fall not, and her spirit was distressed, for Amarwe had been placed under her care. She had been trusted to care for her younger sisters and had failed in her task.
"Anneth!" came Amarwe's desperate cry from behind her, and her voice resounded in Anneth's mind.
Sooner than she believed that she would, she stumbled upon her brother, and through her tears told him the tale of their plight.
Voronen took Laineth from Anneth's arms and pushed his sister to explain all that had happened.
"A tree fell–fell on Amarwe, and now she cannot get up. I cannot-cannot move the tree! Voronen you must do something."
Calmly, Voronen nodded, though his heart broke also to hear of his youngest sister's plight.
"Take me to her," said he, a slight, barely detectable waver in his voice.
Anneth tore through the trees to where she recalled leaving Amarwe, her shoulders shaking as she ran, her breaths becoming irregular and painful. She stumbled, the path blurring before her tear-filled eyes, the leaves blending together to form a sea of green and nothing more, so that Anneth knew no longer where she was going.
"Anneth!" came a sudden cry, and she followed it, knowing it had come from her little sister.
Again Anneth laid eyes upon her sister, and relief washed over her. The log was pulled from her, and Amarwe's leg bandaged.
Amarwe was pulled into a fierce hug by her oldest sister, and soon the little elleth had fallen asleep in Anneth's arms, weary from her injury and from her tears.
There were few words large enough to describe the weight that had lifted from her shoulders, the consolation of knowing her sister now was safe. She pressed a kiss to Amarwe's forehead, overjoyed to see now her sister at peace, though her despairing cries still uncomfortably resonated inside of her head.
For some moments she was unable to protect her sister as she should, and terror struck her heart. Now she could again ensure some joy for Amarwe, and she was glad once more.
Once it was my sisters who lamented each time I departed, and now it is I who weeps at their leaving. It is to be expected of many, a departure, for there is little hope to found in these times, and even if hope was abundant, the power of the Eldar does fade, and so our people embark on new journeys so that they may look upon new and greater horizons that shall be found only in Valinor, in Eldamar.
Greater lives are what most seek in the Undying Lands, but no greater life shall I discover there, for it has not been found within me to sail.
My dearest friends are they, and I love them far too much to even think to ask them to stay, for it is better that they find joy than my own feeling be preserved. I will be saddened at their leaving, but I can find joy in theirs.
Easily I can recall the days when both my sisters clung to me each time I attempted to leave the house, and now it is who would wish to cling to our bonds and not allow them to be broken. They are them who I trust the most, and there is little we keep from one another; truly they are the greatest friends. And greater still, they are my family.
Those nearest to one's heart should all be members of their family, and in mine own family, that is unendingly true.
I wished to become angered with Nana informed me that Laineth planned to leave and had told me not, yet I could not be upset with her, and now I seek her company.
When I arrive, Laineth is sitting in the dirt beside her door, and she quickly stands to her feet and runs to me, crushing me in an embrace so tight I might lose the capability to breathe.
"You are not angry with me, are you, sister?" Laineth asks, concerned.
"No, Laineth, not in the slightest. I am only saddened because you and Amarwe are my dearest friends, and I wish not to have you lost to me."
"Oh, Authiel, we shall not be lost to you, only gone until you follow us to the Undying Lands someday."
Finally she releases her embrace, wiping tears from her eyes. "Besides, the prince is always there to be a dear friend."
"I would sail with you, but I cannot find it within to to do so. I am bound here for some purpose that only Eru knows," I reply, ignoring completely her remark that the prince could be as a dear friend.
"Do you love him, Authiel?" she asks, and it is not a question I expected, nor is it anything I wish to answer.
"No, Laineth. Why do so many ask?"
"Because it seems to be so, sister, and if it is your wish to bring not such an impression, 'tis better that you refrain from a friendship as that."
"Well, if you and Amarwe both are to leave, then I suppose I will be forced to take him up as a dear friend."
"Ah!" exclaims she. "You did hear my remark of how he might become a dear friend. Not completely inept are you, Authiel, not as this moment."
I shake my head, wishing for but a moment that my sister did not know me quite so well.
"I have never been known to be, inept, sister."
"That is a lie, out of the three of us sisters, you are the one who is most gullible!"
"Did I ask of whom is the most gullible in our family, Laineth?"
Laineth laughs. "Why, I believe you did. You are so gullible that you deceive your own self, Authiel!"
In spite of her insulting words, I laugh with her also, glad for these moments before she too shall depart.
"When have I ever done such a laughable thing?"
I ask her, though I know precisely how she will reply.
"Your entire life has been filled with instances when the deceptions you face were of your own creation."
"Name one."
Frantically she looks around, searching her mind for an instance.
"I cannot think of one," she says, and a victorious smile spreads across my face.
"I win."
"You did triumph in this argument, but the next time I shall prevail," Laineth says with a sigh.
"There shall not be another for a long while, sister. I will fondly remember my victory."
With humour I say these words, and yet this entire meeting there has been a horrible, underlying sense of finality, the knowledge that soon these days will be gone known to both our hearts.
"I will remember your victory also, though not so fondly as you shall." A sad smile crosses her face, and her eyes fill with tears.
"Please, cry not, else I cry with you," I say, my own eyes blurring.
"I remember I used to pull on you each time you left the house because I did not want you to go, and now I am leaving, and you do not hold me back. And yet, I know that you wish to."
I smile. "Yes, if it were possible, I would do all in my power to cause you to stay, but I know it is best that you go. I would join you, yet we both know how ridiculously weak my resolve is."
"You are rather good in the art of convincing others, however, you choose to use it not. Authiel, would you use it for me?"
"How so?"
"Thandion refuses to leave the guard, and we leave in a month. I fear that as the days grow more ridden with evil, and the darkness strengthens, he will be injured and even killed." Fear fills her eyes as she speaks of it, and though I wish to comfort her, I do not know what it is to see the one you love throw himself into danger each day.
"And why should he listen to me, Laineth, if he will not listen to you?"
She sighs resignedly. "I do not know, there was just hope there, I thought."
"There is hope always, you know that, sister."
"Yes, I do, we both do, and yet you give yourself none."
"In the passing two days, you are the fifth person to tell me that. No, I do not love the prince, no, I cannot love the prince, and no, I will not ever love him."
"But you wish to," she observes.
If I were to love any now, it would be Legolas, and though I more than fancy him, I do not love him. Yet I might, given the long hours I have spent in his company and the way I find myself drawn to him. In comparison to the prince I once dreamed of, he is far greater, and although I have dissuaded myself from finding hope when it is absent, I have gathered some yet, and in doing so, have only dragged myself further into a place of my imagination.
If he were not a prince, I am sure that I would have thought myself in love long ago, but it is not so.
'Tis everything about him that leads me to fall into these imagined thoughts of love.
But he will not stay forever, will he? And that is a fact that I have failed to notice in all this.
If he should leave, then I do not wish to think of how I might react. He has become a dear friend, and it is true that I do wish for more than his mere friendship, though it is folly that I long for even that. It seems that my routine has been interrupted by him, and this change I have welcomed greatly. I do not wish that he would leave, and I do not wish to no longer be his friend. True it might be that I would love him under different circumstances.
"Authiel!" exclaims Laineth suddenly. "Allow me to remove you from your daydreaming of the prince for but a moment," she says, and I blush.
"I was not daydreaming of him, Laineth, merely distracted."
"Distracted by thoughts of him."
Yes.
"No."
"Ai, never have you been gifted in the ways of deceit, only in the ways of being deceived, sister, and I do perceive that you were thinking of him. You forget I once fell in love, sister, and though you are older and wiser than me in some ways, you must admit I am more knowledgeable here."
I do not answer, mulling quietly over her words.
Laineth laughs at me and shakes her head.
"Some day you shall look back on my words and realise how correct I was. Oh, I do enjoy having this one advantage over you!"
Though my sister and I engaged in light hearted conversation, there is a heavy weight of sadness in my heart. There is nothing I want more than to sit her and reminisce over the wonderful times and then weep for losing two of my dearest friends.
Nellethiel remains, but so little of her I see, that I would not be surprised if she too found cause to sail from these lands.
In silence I walk through the gardens, though night has not yet fallen, simply drinking in the beauty of the autumn and the falling Sun that collides with the horizon, bursting into brilliant shades of various colours. A soft breeze comes through the air, pushing my hair from my face, and blowing my skirts slightly.
On the nearest bench I sit, thinking over the events of the last week. Amarwe is to leave in but a few days, and it is difficult for me to fully believe that she will leave, and a short moon after her departure, Laineth shall follow. I must attempt to reason with my mother and convince her to go, for 'tis not right that she should remain here for a wedding that will never come, unless Eru himself perform a miracle that none could have ever imagined.
I cannot cry, for there is only a horrible ache that reminds me of the lonely times I might face with their leaving, and yet, crying is all I wish to do.
And to make things more confusing yet, I am slowly beginning to love Legolas, a thing I must avoid.
It is difficult, for an ellon as kind as he, as compassionate, naturally draws some to him, and I have been caught under such a trap. He cares, truly cares, though he has known me for so little time, and my friendship he has sought, even as I attempted to spurn him. Each time he sees me and my spirits are low, he seeks to raise them, and is willing to hear of what ails me in that moment. His words can be filled with humour and wisdom at once, and he knows the same trial of living alone that I am well acquainted with. Legolas is strong and a warrior, one who fights through all circumstances. And secondary to his admirable character is his unfairly wonderful looks, making him every bit the prince he is.
That I would be even a friend to him is rather foreign to me, even is it laughable.
To think that he would love me is more hilarious still, though I sober to think of how near I am for longing and yearning for his love also.
The night nears as the sunrise comes to its end, and I am acutely aware of a presence behind me, and without a doubt I know of whom it is.
Legolas takes a seat beside me, light glinting off his golden hair, and his grey eyes deep and bright.
"Good evening, my lady. What brings your spirits low today?"
"Who said that my spirits were low, Legolas?"
"Your own expression, Anneth," he says, smiling widely.
I blush, and turn my eyes from his face, instead looking down to the stone pavement.
"My expression might be false," I reply, though it is true and clear that my spirits are low.
"But what is it that brings you down? I know without inquiring that you have not spoken of it."
"My mother has introduced an idea to my mind that I did not wish to think of, Elladan also believes this idea, as do both my sisters. And now Laineth is to leave soon after Amarwe does."
"Do you not believe your mother to be wise enough to know of what she speaks?"
"She is wise and I love her dearly, but I simply cannot take what she says of this matter and apply it accordingly."
"I would suggest you take what she says as highly valid, but I ask only that you cease these veiled references to what this matter is." Again I look to his face as he speaks. "Either do not speak of it at all, or tell me of what it is." I suddenly stiffen as if I have become stone, for I know there is no place where I might speak to him openly of this. 'Tis possible for me, in this moment, to tell him of all I feel, but folly that would be, and I shall not do that. My heart quickens its beating, and a sudden feeling of self conscious embarrassment falls over me. "You need not tell me if you wish not, I merely wished to know. Though I do advise you take to heart the words of your mother," he then says.
Relief follows, though I do not take my eyes from his this time.
"I wish that my own mother were there to advise me," says he, his eyes dimming with sadness, making it easier to believe that he has lived long.
"You wish? Is she not there for you when you need her?"
"No," he laments. "She left Mirkwood when I was nearly three years of age, and never did she return. There was not a reason given why she left, no cause. One day she was with us, and the next, she was riding away, not turning back but once."
I gasp, having been unaware to all this. "I am sorry; I knew not of this tragedy."
"Do not ask forgiveness, for you were kept privy to this fact until now. I suppose now you may understand why I urge you always to heed the words your mother speaks."
"Do you miss her?" I ask without a thought, then add, "There is no need for you to answer my question; it is probable that I am intruding."
"Yes, it is every day that I long to have grown from an elfling to an ellon of age with her presence, and still I find that I cannot be bitter toward her for departing. And intruding you are not, I consider you among my dearest friends, and I do trust you with many things."
I am so near to losing my heart to this prince, and words as these do not aid my quest to guard myself from heartbreak.
"What was she like, your mother, the queen?"
His lips turn to a faint smile as he reveals his mother. "She was the most beautiful elleth I have ever seen, and she was kind. Often she would tap my nose, an action I pretended to despise, and there was little to dislike about her. And my father loved her so dearly, I can yet remember. It is because of her leaving that he has become cold and unfeeling.
"The truth is this: my father is neither cold, nor is he unfeeling. He is sad and fears to have himself broken again as he was when my mother departed, and so he avoids emotional attachments in all their forms. At times, he will avoid even me."
"I cannot imagine what that is like, and I will not attempt to. I cannot even give consolation, for I do not know the trial of facing these things."
'Tis such a trying life one must live, a life without a mother and with a father who guards himself from the world. The nearest I can relate to his childhood was the loss of my father, and his death came after I had come of age.
"You do not, and I do not expect that you do. I am only glad to speak of it to another, for there are many other areas in which you and I are alike."
I am, in a sense, surprised that he would willingly share this with me, and it brings me sympathy and also guilt, for I keep all my troubles within me, refusing to open up unless asked to speak.
"This is not one of them, though I wish I could be of some small comfort, but I cannot."
Legolas laughs and looks down at me with those grey eyes that I might be lost in if I looked into them too long. "Your presence is comfort enough, Anneth. I am glad for your friendship."
I feel my face heat up clumsily, and I hastily break eye contact, far too shy to boldly look into his eyes.
"I shall not be leaving anytime soon," I reply stiffly, only colouring more when I understand the ways my words could be taken.
Legolas' handsome smile broadens, and he says only, "I know."
I too begin to smile, again turning my eyes away from his and playing childishly with the sleeve of my gown.
"You smile far more now," Legolas observes suddenly. "What is it that brings you more joy than before, even now in these times of darkness and evil?"
My mind immediately conjures an image of him, handsome and princely, and I am exceedingly grateful the night masks some of my blush.
Of course, I cannot reply that it is he whose words have made their impact on my heart, and it is his mere smile that causes me to smile also and even wish that I could love him.
Not wishing to bring the conversation to my trifling problems, I answer humorously, "Is there something you do not approve of in my mostly uplifted countenance?"
"Nay, not in the slightest. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It does bring me joy that you no longer look as if you shall be saddened for all eternity."
"I may not be saddened, but I shall be lonely!" I exclaim, jesting of course, though the thought makes me again yearn for a companion.
"I shall be lonely with you," he says, "and lonely friends we will be."
"Maybe so, but I still have my friend Nellethiel, therefore, my only friend you are not."
"Is she lonely, Anneth?"
"No–"
"Aha! Then she is not a lonely friend. Merely a friend to a lonely soul."
"You sound much like an optimistic child who is nearing adulthood but believes they know the solution to each and every problem there is."
"I did not inquire after your thoughts, Anneth," he replies with utter seriousness, and I believe that I have crossed some invisible line. Uncomfortably I shift in where I sit, feeling my face heat up with embarrassment. "Oh, Anneth, look not so frightened, I was only jesting!"
I sigh in relief. "I was convinced I had said something that was out of line! You are terrible, Legolas."
"There is little you could say that would drive me to be angered or wish that we were no longer friends."
"I am glad then, and I wish I never would be guilty of any of those things. My brother was always one to terrify me by saying that my words would anger royalty someday, and I would be jailed for the remainder of what life I could live here."
"And what does he say now?" Legolas asks, and my heart falls to speak of my brother's untimely death those many years ago.
I swallow. "I do not know what he says, for he is departed from this world."
"He was killed?" I nod slowly and weakly. "Mellon nin, I am sorry for that."
"I am as well, for it is every day that I wish both he and my father were again with us, with my sisters and my mother. It is because of the manner of my father's and my brother's death that I despise the ways of war, though they be necessary. Five moons divided their deaths, and now I can not bear to see any I love placing themselves in danger, regardless of how great of a warrior they might be."
"Is there any that you do not fear much for?"
"The twins, for I know their age and the manner of their skill, but I dislike to see my sisters' husbands in the guard, for the days grow more evil, and if any of them should be killed, I would watch as one of my sisters faded."
"But your sister is leaving, with her husband also, yes?"
I only nod, the want to weep for my sisters' leaving returning to me. "Both my sisters have announced their imminent departure from these shores."
"I see now why you have been so sullen, as I observed. Your sisters' sailing only causes you to recall the deaths of your father and brother, and so it brings you far more pain than it might."
My eyes fill with tears, and though I fight to hold them back, they fall down my cheeks, and hastily, quickly, I wipe them away, working to make them cease. They do not stop, however, and had I been alone, I would have let them fall, but I shall not force Legolas to be my comfort while I weep.
The tears do not cease, and I give up my attempts to stop them, still wiping them away angrily.
Then suddenly, my hands are caught in both of Legolas' and he tells me, "Cease this, Anneth, this world in which you give yourself no hope and you do not allow yourself to break under any circumstances." His voice is soft, and my heart quickens to think he truly cares for me, even if it as a friend only.
He releases my hands, hesitating for a moment, and I am fleetingly disappointed to lose his touch. For one moment he is still, contemplating something that I know not of, when in one dizzying motion, Legolas pulls me in his arms, holding me as I cry.
First I weep for my sisters and the memory of my father and brother, and this only serves to make my tears more in number.
His arms are strong around me, and like a blow to the midsection, I understand what it is I want.
It is not what I want that has changed, but rather who I want it from. I find myself shaking with yet more tears, unable to process this all at once, unwilling to admit it to my own self, even as I know its truth in the entirety.
I love him.
And there is none else I would wish would love me also, save him, and here, in his arms, I long to be.
Nana was not insane, and neither was Elladan, or Laineth. They all are wiser than I, and could see what I could not.
Only there is yet one question, and the answer I know full well to it, and it crushes my heart and strangles my hope. Does he love me also?
I know he does not, for as a friend am I only.
Could he ever love me?
It all appears too real to be only my mind; the pain and terrible ache is too strong to be conjured by my false thoughts.
His love is surely something he guards well, for to believe he loves when he does not is a thing he has sworn to avoid at all costs. And in a most painful way, his love is all I long for now.
His arms loosen their grip around me, and I realise now my tears have ceased to be great in number, and only fall sporadically. He takes a hand and lifts it to my head, wiping from my cheek a single tear. Like so often I have, I falter under his gaze, looking at his chest rather than his face.
With uncertainty and embarrassment I am suddenly aware of how near his lips are to mine, and I am ashamed to wish that he might close that horrible gap.
For one deceivingly fleeting and painful instant, I could believe he loves me as I love him.
yes i am alive
um so this chapter might incidentally be poop bc idk what I'm doing
school is boring
but in better news, avengers: infinity war is coming out a week early so that's amazing
may your pantries be full of lembas bread as i go to find the sun