Ruby only took two days to forge everything I needed to claim Miss Mills as my wife. I didn't know this woman's first name because she never allowed anyone to call her anything but Miss Mills, so I came up with my own.
I'm a nervous wreck as I step inside our small town hospital. I wipe my sweaty palms against my jean clad thighs and shake away my nerves. So many terrifying thoughts are running rapidly through my mind. What if she remembers who I am? What if the doctor doesn't trust that I'm her wife? What if I slip up somehow and call her Miss Mills? This better work....
"You're here for the amnesia patient?" A nurse questions skeptically as she strolls toward me. I nod at first feeling completely overwhelmed by my nerves. I clear my throat and fake a smile. I'm about to kidnap this woman.
"Emma Swan." I reach out my hand to politely greet the younger woman.
"Your wife...she's a..."
"A piece of work right?" I laugh playfully like I secretly love just how crazy my wife is.
"Uh, yes." The nurse chuckles awkwardly and sways back and forth between her feet, silently expressing her anxiety about this situation.
"Can't always judge a book by its cover, right?" I wink, inspiring a small smile to form by the nurse.
"Right. Well she claims she's married to a man..."
"Well I was her first girlfriend...she always dated men before me, but I swooped her right off her feet."
The nurse seems to accept my answer because she smiles sweetly and gestures for me to follow her. I exhale a slow shaky breath that I was holding. I follow the younger woman into a common room and she motions for me to take a seat. I sit down on the arm of a couch and wait anxiously for this hell of a lie to begin.
An older doctor enters the room with Miss Mills right on his heels. This man already looks like he is tired of her shit. The brunette's hair is in disarray, very unlike the perfectly sculpted masterpiece she always held before. She's wearing only a long, over sized hospital gown and robe and it takes everything in me not to laugh.
"Roni!" I scream as I leap to my feet.
"Roni?" She scoffs like she is personally offended by the name. I hurry to her side but she stiff arms me, stopping me dead in my tracks. "Who are you?"
"Really?" I pout out my bottom lip pretending to be wounded by her words. "I thought your memories would come back if you saw me."
"That's not always how amnesia works," the doctor informs me professionally inspiring me to fake a depressed whimper.
"Will somebody please explain who this Beverly Hillbilly want to be is?" Mills sarcastically huffs while folding her arms protectively across her chest.
I glance down at my clothes and smile knowing this outfit was going to piss her off. I picked out my most washed out jeans with gaping holes in the knees. I chose an over sized button down flannel and a jean jacket tied around my waist.
"There's the sassy woman I married!" I wrap her petite frame into my arms and slam her against my body with force causing a harsh breath to escape her lips.
My new wife wiggles and swats at my arms until I release her from my death grip. I smile like an idiot just to irk her even further.
"I'm...gay?" She whispers forcing me to choke back another laugh.
"You weren't always, but spend an afternoon with me and you'll remember why you switched teams." I hear the nurse and doctor behind me snicker and now I can't help but let out a small chuckle.
"This is preposterous!" Miss Mills sways away from me like the Queen she thinks she is. Her memories are gone but her body still knows deep down who she truly is. "Do you have any proof?"
I smirk wickedly as I curl my fingers around her dainty wrist and yank her back into my arms. The brunette stumbles and crashes against my body with impact. I smile kindly before I snake one hand through her hair and slam my lips against hers. She whines and protests through our kiss but I fake a smile all the way through.
Prissy pants wiggles free from my clutches as she gasps for air. "Don't you think I would feel something from...from this stranger!" She questions the doctor as she wipes her lips clear from the taste of me.
"I don't know, I never had amnesia before," the doctor retorts prompting a small giggle to fall from my lips. Clearly everyone in this hospital is sick of her and just wants her gone at this point.
"Well I need proof! There has to be some sort of proof!"
"Alright calm down," I roll my eyes pulling the piece of paper out of my back pocket. I unfold the crinkled paper and hand the woman her proof.
"Roni Hogswaggle?" She practically chokes out the last name as her brown eyes flick toward mine. I may have googled, the worst last names ever, just to piss her off even more.
"Well...Roni Swan now," I smile with my entire face expressing that I'm proud that this wretched woman has my last name.
"This proves nothing!" She whips the marriage certificate back at me and walks right passed me, bumping into my shoulder as if she knew about our altercation that occurred over a week ago. I freeze momentarily waiting for her memories to come flooding back, but she continues on. "I need more proof!"
"She really seems to like you," the nurse defends trying to speed up this process. My new wife folds her arms across her body and sticks her nose up into the air.
"She's very pretty and she's standing here taking your abuse with a smile upon her face. She's a keeper," the doctor tries to persuade Miss Mills because I'm sure he has other patients who actually need his attention.
"She could be some lunatic off the street!"
"I could be," I shrug my shoulders and saunter my way closer to her. "But some lunatic wouldn't know about your cute little bottom."
"Excuse me?" She shrieks and quickly clenches her robe in attempt to cover up her body.
"You see...although my wife is utterly embarrassed," I pout out my bottom lip to add some affect to my words. "And she would never admit this out loud...she has a small tattoo on her right butt cheek."
Miss Mills' face contorts to the most horrified look I've ever seen. Those big brown eyes triple in size while her tanned skin turns a bright red. The corner of my mouth curls up in victory while I lean into her personal space and wink. I hear her gulp down her anxiety before she shakes her head and pushes passed me again.
"Well...check..." the doctor suggests earning himself a death glare from the snob.
"I don't think-"
"You usually don't honey, but that's okay, I didn't marry you for your brains."
"Ugh," the brunette scoffs as her mouth falls open in shock. The doctor is trying his hardest not to laugh but his amusement is written all over his face.
Roni strolls away toward the corner of the room so she can check on my accusations against her bottom. She turns her head so she can see behind her while she moves the robe and hospital gown away from her ass. The look that graces her face is a dead giveaway that I was in fact correct about her secret tattoo. Her face falls, looking completely blindsided as she drops the gown and robe from her fingers. Those brown eyes connect with my dancing green eyes because now I know, I won!
I smile with every muscle in my face and hold out my open arms. "Come here Roni!" The nurse and doctor share another small laugh and try to be slick as they high five one another but I catch it.
Roni groans, her upper lip quivers in disgust but I hold my smile in place. She sashays toward me, folding her arms across her chest in defiance. I know she won't be hugging me so I drop my arms.
"Uh, is there something you have in the lost and found for her to wear?" Roni glares at me like I'm the biggest idiot in the world for not bringing her clothes but I choose to ignore her.
"I think we have some old scrubs in the back?" The nurse offers us leading Roni out of the room.
"Mrs. Swan?" Another nurse calls my name from behind the reception area.
"Yes." I walk over to the counter as the nurse slides a small bag my way.
"This is what was on your wife when we found her."
I open the bag to find only a silk thong inside. My eyes grow wide but I fight this uncomfortable feeling and mask my shocked face.
"Where are her clothes?"
"Well when they found her, she was freezing. They literally tore her clothes away since she was soaking wet."
"Oh," I sigh and for a brief moment I feel awful that she had to experience something like that and now she doesn't even know who she is.
"She's all yours," the doctor informs me as he nudges Roni forward, closer to me.
I quickly pocket her panties and toss the bag into the trash.
"All mine," I smile wickedly as I hold out my hand for my new wife.
Roni obviously refrains from touching me in any form as we walk out the door. I lead her over to the parking lot but she stops dead in her tracks once she realizes what I'm driving.
"This must be some sort of joke." Her voice wavers and for the first since I've met her, she seems nervous.
"No, joke. You love this thing." I hand her a helmet that barely qualifies as one. I grin in triumph because I knew this moped would piss her off so that's why I chose to drive it. I wasn't even sure the damn thing would start, it's been sitting in my garage for as long as I can remember.
"Do we not own a car...wife?" She inquires while blankly staring at me.
"Emma."
"Pardon me?"
"My name is Emma, not wife. And yes, we own a car but I know how much you love riding on the back of this thing so that's why I brought it." I offer the brunette the helmet again and she reluctantly takes it from with a sassy eye roll.
"This doesn't feel like something I would enjoy, Em-ma," she mocks my name and is still staring at the moped like it might bite her at any moment.
"Oh yeah, you love when the wind is in your hair, thoroughly messing it up, worse than it is now," I tease with a small laugh prompting the woman to run her hand through her hair in attempt to tame her disheveled self.
I put my helmet on and climb onto the moped. I start the old thing and wait for Roni to jump on the back. "Come on, we have to get home."
Finally Roni places her helmet on her head and swings her leg behind me. Her arms wrap around my waist like a vise and I can't help but laugh at how nervous she is. I lift my foot off the ground and we take off down the street.
"Emma?" Mills shouts from behind me so I lean back in order to hear her better. "What was I doing out in the ocean, in the middle of the night?"
"Sometimes when we need money you work over nights at the docks, I have no idea what you were doing in the ocean though. That's what I love about you, you're unpredictable."
I truly hope she doesn't ask anymore questions about the night of her accident because I really wouldn't know what to say. I lean forward hoping she understands that we are done with this topic.
Suddenly I hear the woman behind me choking pretty hard. "Are you alright?" I shout as the wind whips around us.
"I-I think- I just ate a bug!" She coughs in the most disgusted voice.
I start laughing uncontrollably and shake my head. "Yeah you should probably keep your mouth shut!"
A few minutes later we pull up to my home. I park the moped in the driveway and climb off. Roni rips away her helmet, as if the thing was on fire and shoves it into my stomach. I set the helmets down and begin walking to my front door.
"This is...no...I cannot possible live here!" There's fear and panic in her eyes as they take in the view around her.
My house is definitely falling apart. When Neal and I purchased this home six years ago, he swore he would fix everything about it. The damn thing was falling apart and that's the only reason why we were able to afford it. The yard is hideous, if I'm being honest. The grass is over grown, along with the bushes and weeds are everywhere. I can't afford anyone to come clean it up and I certainly don't have time myself with how many hours I work.
"Come on inside, maybe something will spark that brain of yours." I step inside my house with my new wife hot on my heels.
"Roni! Thank god you are okay! We were so worried!" Ruby exaggerates as she yanks the perplexed woman into a hug. My friend rocks Roni side to side aggressively while I purse out my lips and flash her a thumbs up.
"Who are you?" Roni finally snaps as she shoves my friend away.
"Aw babe don't be jealous," I coo as I drape an arm around her shoulders. "This is our best friend Ruby. Nothing to worry about."
"I am not jealous!" She shrugs me off of her and stands a little taller with confidence. "And do you always call me babe, because I will have to ask you to refrain."
Ruby and I both chuckle at the annoyed woman just as the back door flings open. "Here come our kids!"
"Kids? As in more than one?"
"As in three!"
"Dear lord!"
All three of my kids come barreling through the house screaming and yelling just to piss her off even more, just like I requested. Roni throws her arms up and tucks her hands beneath her chin, in attempt to avoid physical contact. My kids run right passed her and she shudders, like if she touches them, she will retain some sort of disease that will instantly lead to death.
"Mom!"
"Mom!"
"Mom!" My kids repeat over and over again as they tug at her scrubs.
"Alright kids, relax. Go sit down on the couch, give your mom some air," I instruct. My children run to the couch and sit down, waiting for further instructions. "Roni, why don't you see if you can remember their names?"
Roni relaxes the slightest bit once the children are a safe distance away. I stroll over to my oldest and pull him from the couch. I hug my son from the back and smile at Roni.
"How about this kid?" I question with a shit eating grin. I catch a quick glimpse of my friend who is holding a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter. Roni purses out her thick lips and squints her eyes like she is really trying to remember him. "Not even a guess?" I pout.
"Barnaby."
I burst out a loud laugh as my son groans in response. Ruby and my two little ones are laughing right along with me.
"No, this is Henry." I shake my head and try to manage a straight face. "Henry is our oldest he is eight."
"Henry." She repeats with a curt nod. Henry falls back down on the couch and pulls his knees to his chest, fully embarrassed by the name Roni chose.
"This is Max, he's seven." I point to my middle son and then pick up my daughter. "And this little girl is Drew."
"I'm five!" My baby beams with her green eyes sparkling.
"Hello." Roni coldly greets my little one before Max jumps up from the couch.
"You're it!" He smacks his older brother and takes off running up the stairs.
Roni physically tries to make herself skinnier as both my boys rush passed her. "Mommy! I want to play too!" I spin my daughter upside down and tickle her stomach eliciting those beautiful baby giggles. I hold on tight as I walk her over to Roni.
"Hug your momma." I tell my little one as she dangles upside down.
"No mommy! I want to play!" She squeals as she wiggles in my arms. I flip her back around and set my daughter back onto the ground. Drew takes off up the stairs in search of her older brothers.
"H-how did we acquire so many?" Roni questions in a hushed tone so my kids won't hear her.
"My penis," I quip causing my friend to burst into laughter all over again.
"Wha-"
"I'm just teasing. We found a sperm donor, who was happy to fork over his specimen three times so our children could have the same father."
"Well...that was...nice of him," Roni stutters out as she tries to wrap her head around all this information. "Did I carry them?"
"I did, but don't you worry that pretty little head of yours, you were there during conception honey."
"I...what...?"
"Yeah those threesomes were pretty hot!" I wiggle my eyebrows as Roni's face falls in horror.
"I'm a whore," she mutters mostly to herself.
"We like the term adventurous." Roni's face drains from all color and that's when I realize I should change the subject. "How about a tour?"
"I'm going to take off and leave you two alone. Emma, I'll see you tonight." I nod my head before Ruby turns her attention toward Roni. "I'm so glad you are okay." The taller brunette pulls my new found wife into a crushing hug before she's out the door.
I escort Roni through our home. I show her the kitchen, with dishes piled up in the sink. I take her to the living room that's cluttered with toys and socks. My kids can never keep a pair of socks on, there's literally socks everywhere. I lead the brunette up the stairs and show off Henry and Max's room that they share. I then proceed to Drew's room, a room where there isn't any room to walk unless you step on a Barbie. The last room I show her is ours.
"So it's not just our children? We don't clean at all either?" Her tone is snippy just reminding me of how cold and rude she was to me on her yacht. I worked for the dreadful woman for seven days. Seven days where I had to hear her bitch and complain about me when she thought I couldn't hear her.
"I work all the time. If you don't like it, you're home all day, clean it," I sass right back but this woman that stands before me doesn't push back, not like the snob from a week ago.
Roni glides across our room inspecting every detail. The woman stops when she reaches the nightstand and picks up a fake photo Ruby created.
"Why do I look so...distraught?"
"Oh...um, that picture?" I peer at the picture frame from over her should as I try to come up with something to say to her. "You don't look distraught, that's just how you take photos."
Roni scoffs obviously not happy with my answer but she doesn't press on the issue. She places the photo back down and nervously picks at her fingers.
"Emma? How did we meet?" I've never heard her voice sound so frail and unsure of herself.
"In a home, we were both orphans. That's why nobody else came looking for you. It's just you and me."
"Oh," the small word is barley audible when she casts her big brown eyes to the floor.
"Come on, we can order a pizza tonight. I won't make you cook," I laugh as I exit my room. Roni follows me out the door like a lost puppy.
"I usually cook?" She questions sincerely as she chases me down the stairs.
"Yup. Breakfast, lunch and dinner." I can't help but smile like an idiot because karma is coming for her, tenfold.
After dinner, I give my daughter a bath and put all three children to bed while Roni lingers behind me from a safe distance. Once I say good night, I hurry to my bedroom to change.
I slip into my red Daisy Duke's shorts and extremely tight white button down shirt. Roni watches me nervously as she sits at the edge of the bed. I can sense the way her eyes continue to flick toward my body and then back to the floor. I'm not quite sure, but I feel like she's checking me out.
"I'm going out. I'll see you later."
"Wait! You're just going to leave me?" The anxious woman practically chokes on her own words as she leaps to her feet.
"Yeah, you'll be fine. The kids are sleeping." I make my way to the dresser and pull out a pair of shorts and a tank top. I toss the clothing at the brunette's face and laugh when she totally misses catching them. "Here's some pajamas."
"When will you be back?"
"When I get back," I shrug noncommittally and leave the bedroom, but she's not far behind. I begin to descend down the stairs before an idea sparks. "Oh!" I spin around on the staircase almost causing the other woman to crash into me. "I forgot to mention, you sleep on the couch, not in our bed." I flash her a cute smile before I turn around and head for my front door.
"What? Why wouldn't we sleep in the same bed?" Her nerves have seemed to disappear and all I hear is anger in her voice.
"You have a bad back and our bed is too soft. So until we can afford a new bed...the couch is your new cuddle partner."
I know I need to start acting like her wife so I decide to lean forward and peck her cheek. My lips hardly brush against her flushed skin before I instantly pull back. "Bye Roni." I wink and leave my new wife behind.