It was a big day. Huge! A day that had been truly magical, some years ago. She was brushing her hair. She was all dressed in one of her favourite outfits when she saw something, tucked away behind a pile of clothes. It was her old diary, from quite some years ago. She flipped through some pages, reliving memories when she came across the page May 6. But the entries, of course, weren’t made on the day. Nothing was in order, little notes, memos, stapled clippings and doodles were everywhere. But she saw that some entries were made in purple ink, which distinguished them from the rest. There was a huge bundle of these entries in purple ink. She remembered her purple ink days. She looked at the clock. Enough time. She sat down on her bed, reading.
“May 6, Thursday:
Dear Diary,
Forgive me for not writing all these days. They’ve been a beautiful 2 weeks, although not easy. But what can I say? They were beautiful and perhaps worth the wait. So here.
I was going through a hard phase. Look at some of your previous pages, damp with tears and bleeding ink. You know how tough it’d been. I loved him, diary. I did. With all my heart. And I know it wasn’t his fault but it wasn't mine either. And things happened the way they did. I was angry, frustrated, depressed, empty, sallow, but mostly hurt. I wanted the pain to go away.
I knew he was seeing someone, and I also knew that I had to, too. I had to move on and I needed to socialize. What harm could come out of meeting people? None. And trust me, I feel happy now. I really feel happy and settled and like life had something good to offer.
So. I did meet someone. Sameer. And yeah, he’s cool. We met through a mutual friend. We went out a little, just lunches and dinners. Nothing yet. We hung out, he’s a great friend. And then we hung out more.
I met his family, he met mine. But of course, as each other’s friends. Nothing more. And I liked them, and I liked Sameer, and I liked spending time with him. But did I love him? I was hoping I did, but I was never sure. Never. It’s strange how despite going separate ways, I’ve never felt the love and care and fondness that I felt for him with anyone I met after. Not even Sameer I guess.
May 7, Friday:
So anyway, just as I got to know Sameer well, I happened to bump into ‘him’ the other night. It was cold and breezy and I was walking home. He was there with someone, I don’t know who but it seemed like he was upset or just angry. I didn't go up to him immediately, I waited till she left. They said something to each other and she left, and they didn't look back at each other. I could tell that they’d perhaps never look at each other.
I walked towards him, him in his dark trench, hair ruffled by the breeze and his cheeks just slightly tinted pink from the cold, like mine. He looked at me and his frown magically disappeared. I thought it’d be awkward bumping into him after what we had been through but he made it look so natural and so pleasant. He walked up to me, smiling a little and grabbed me in his arms, embracing me. His warmth felt so comforting and so good in the cold. At that moment, during that brief hug, I didn’t think of that girl or my job, that evening, the place, Sameer, the cold, the time or anything but him, his arms around me, his chin on my shoulder and his cheek slightly brushing against mine. Just him.
We’d actually hugged for what was longer than appropriate. (Actually hugging itself seems inappropriate. Anyway.) Despite the long, inappropriate hug, it seemed too short and I wished, oh how I wished we could just hug the nights and days away.
He then looked at me, in my eyes, and I saw his liquid brown eyes locked with mine, then ends of his eyes crinkling (something he did when he was happy). That shouldn’t be allowed. He shouldn’t be allowed to either a) crinkle his eyes like that, looking that frigging adorable or b) crinkling his eyes whilst looking at me. And again, the stare seemed longer than appropriate.
“I’m surprised to see you here” he said. And I took an eternity to respond, since I was so lost in his gaze.
We spoke a little. We went to a café nearby since he insisted he get me a cup of coffee at least. And then we talked. We talked about random things, silly, old memories, the things we did together, amongst others. He then walked me home.
May 8, Saturday:
And I lay in bed, diary, like I am now, replaying those moments in my head, over and over, in slow-mo.
What am I supposed to make of that? All that’d happened? Does this mean anything at all? Although one thing did become clear. I was hopelessly, madly, completely in love with him. And if I don’t experience this with anyone, ever, it’s not love.
Well that was just day one.
May 9, Sunday:
After some days and a few lunches with Sameer, he called me. And this wasn’t our first conversation since that night. Did I mention the countless text messages we exchanged?
Well anyway, he called. He wanted to see me. And so did I. After the call ended and I put down the receiver, and the moment I did this, I felt a wash of emotions. Then I spent the next hour or so deciding what to wear.
So here’s where he wanted to meet me. Rita’s. And who the hell new that Rita’s would be an Ice Skating rink. I have no clue what made him think ice skating would be a good idea. And to make it worse, I’ve never been to an ice skating rink before, forget actually doing it. I was a nervous wreck as I put my shoes on. As for him, he’d reached before me and was already skating like a pro, like he were an Olympic figure skater or something.
I gingerly walked towards the rink, holding on to the sidebars for support. He smiled his gorgeous, heart-melting smile as he skated towards me. He smiled at me and then saw how nervous I was about this whole idea. He came closer and looked at me in the eyes. He took my palms in his, holding them firmly. He started skating backwards, still holding me. I lost my balance initially, but he didn’t let me fall. He held on. He kept skating, and me sort of skating along and we did this for, I can’t really remember how long, and throughout, he never took his eyes off me. Neither did I.
May 13, Thursday:
It’d been a week since we last met. I felt drawn towards him, if you know what I mean. It was like I was in love with him and this time, I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t want to move on. But I knew it had to be done.
We had met after that day at the rink for lunch. It was just lunch, nothing else. But then he was there with me, and he looked beyond gorgeous in his plaid shirt but as I walked in, he was on the one who said “You look beautiful as usual.”
It was a lunch. That’s all!
But no, that wasn’t all. There was so much more. With him, it was always more. More chatter, more laughter, more talking, more admiring, more adoring and eventually, more love. There was the lunch, then this movie which wasn’t bad, but we watched it because it was the only one playing. Then there was the book fair where he bought a cartload of books. After the book fair was coffee and he would have insisted on dinner and I would have said yes had it not been for what I said: “I need to leave before it’s too late. I have to meet this friend’s family tomorrow, quite early”. I mentioned Sameer. Yes. I did. And I smacked my head against the walls all night, later, regretting what I had done. He was upset, which wasn’t a surprise. But everything was going so well, I didn’t want to ruin it. But he had to know, how could I hide something like this? And anyway, what did I mean to him? It wasn’t like we were dating or anything. Sameer and I may not exactly be dating either, but then, he was a friend. And I chose to see him the next morning. There was a wedding in his family, and he’d invited me.
May 14, Friday:
So yeah, I went. Just another event. I met a lot of people, I did my bit in the wedding, I knew the bride a little, and I helped her do her hair, we all had mehendi on our hands, and on the whole it was fun. There were these fireworks at the end of the day when the bride and the groom left. Sameer held my hand. I didn’t quite hold his hand back but throughout that moment, I couldn’t help but miss his hands holding mine, his touch, and the way he looked at me. I replayed the memories I had of the day at the rink. How I wished he could’ve been here, in Sameer’s place and could’ve held my hand instead.
May 15, Saturday:
Few more texts and calls between us. But it wasn’t the same. I partly cursed myself for ruining what I had, because it seemed like a second chance. Then there was a part of me that was glad, since this had to be done and there was no other way. But it’s not like what it was earlier. We still spoke a little. It wasn’t great, but it was okay.
May 16, Sunday:
Another day, another beginning. I was going out with some friends. We had to go shopping. They planned this little party for Sameer’s parents. It was their wedding anniversary. And yes I had been invited. Sometimes I don’t know how to feel about Sameer. I liked him. He was a great guy. But he wasn’t the one looked in my eyes and made me go weak in the knees. Anyway, I’d called some of my friends to go shopping with me. I needed a day out with my girlfriends.
May 17, Monday:
The party is two nights from now. Yeah, I’m nervous! I don’t know what to expect, what to do or say. It was such a private affair and I had been invited. Yes, his family knew me but I was a friend, right? Why would they want a friend at their family’s private affair unless they imagined something? I really hope they don’t believe that Sameer and I have something special or anything like that. I wasn’t ready yet. I still loved him, and I don’t know how to fall out in love. I fell in love with him, his eyes and everything about him. I couldn’t un-love him.
May 18, Tuesday:
Tomorrow night. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Fast forward to the day after tomorrow, please?
May 19, Wednesday:
TONIGHT. I’m a bundle of nerves and on top of that, he called. I’d told him. He said he wanted to see me tonight as he wanted to tell me something. Something important. On any other day I would’ve blindly done what he’d asked me to. But not tonight. No, not after everything. I had to move on, and I told him I couldn’t. I didn’t wait for him to finish and disconnected the call. I cried for what I'd done till it was time to leave.
After I reached the venue, Sameer came to the entrance of the hotel and greeted me. We went in together. He said I looked great. I was wearing this black saree, thinking about the phone call and everything. It was his favourite.
We were in the hall and I greeted the few people I knew. Everyone was merry and the hall was abuzz with chatter and laughter.
A few minutes later, the dance floor was all lit up and some of the guests, mostly couples began dancing. Sameer asked me to dance but I had to refuse. I didn’t dance. And I certainly wouldn’t, in the presence of all these people. After asking me a lot of times, he gave up and danced with his cousin instead. I was standing in a corner, watching the others.
A few minutes later, I felt these hands grab me gently from behind and a voice whisper in my ear “you could’ve just stayed on the line a little longer if you missed me so much”.
At first, I just looked down and smiled. He’s here. And he’s being typical him. He didn’t take “no” for an answer.
Then I turned around as he let go and asked “What makes you think I missed you?”
“Well” he said, looking down. Then he grabbed the end of my saree and held it for me to see “You went shopping yesterday but chose to wear an old saree, because obviously it meant something to you. What? The fact that I love it so much on you?”
I didn’t know what to say. I just left before he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him. After locking eyes with me for a while, he started walking towards the dance floor, not letting go of my hand. He then turned around, pulled me closer again and I said “I… I can’t dance”
He moved still closer to me. Inappropriateness. Our faces were so close. He looked at me again, in the eyes, and again, I didn’t think of the music, the people, the occasion, Sameer or anything but him, his brown eyes locked with mine, the ends crinkling, and his face, him as a whole, the way he looked so dapper in his suit. Him. Me. Us.
I was lost and under his spell. And I knew I had to snap out of it. I told him about Sameer and how this, between us wouldn’t be right, and how he had to let me go. He wasn’t upset this time. He was about to say something when he looked away, and at someone behind me.
“So you’re here, beta! I’ve been looking for you.” It was Sameer’s aunt. He walked up to her, but still holding my hand. He spoke to her like he knew her for ages. Then some of his other relatives came and spoke to him and then they left, the aunt gently patting his cheek after he kissed her hand.
Then he put his arm around my waist again, looking back at me, and we were dancing. Yeah. I don't know how he does it.
“Did you know Sameer all along?”
He smiled and shook his head, as if meaning to say “no”.
“Did you know these people before today?” I myself didn’t, could he?
Same reaction.
I looked at him, confused. He leaned closer to whisper in my ear, so as to be heard over the deafening music.
“I don’t know any of these people. They seemed nice. I spoke to them. They like me. I told them one of my friends had been invited. They asked me to join.”
“What, that’s it? That’s all you said and they invited you?”
He nodded, like an innocent little kid, looking at me with his adorable eyes, wondering why I found it so difficult to believe.
“People usually don’t take as long as you do to love me.”
He’s kidding, right? Wrong! The poor thing really thought I didn’t love him. We talked, about everything, every little thing that needed to be talked about. We sorted things. And then, he leaned in again, holding me closer and embracing me, in that same, warm, comforting I-Hope-This-Never-Ends way, and said:
“I know that things weren’t always great between us. And perhaps, we’ll still have our rough patches. But there’s something I need you to know. I’ve flaws. I’m not perfect, I’m a million miles away. I’ve made my share of mistakes, perhaps even exceeded them. That night, when I saw you, I felt like a different person. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt... invincible. That moment, I realised that my biggest mistake was letting you go. And when I saw you, it was like all my inhibitions were replaced with warmth and sunshine. You complete me, Deepika. And I need you, because frankly, I can’t imagine the rest of my life as something different from those two weeks. Goddamn, I still can’t believe it took me two weeks to realise what I wanted and how much I loved you.
It wouldn’t be right for you to be with someone as flawed as I am, but I would be honoured to be able to share the remainder of my life loving you, making it up to you, and doing my best in giving you what you deserve. I love you beyond measure, Deepika Padukone. Would you do me the utmost honour of marrying me?”
I remembered every word. They resonated and touched my soul. We were so close, his lips gently brushed against my cheek as he spoke each and every one of those heavenly words. I cried. I couldn’t help it. He didn’t let me go yet. After I’d cried enough and not uttered a word, I gently pulled away to look at him. I noticed Sameer walking towards us. He turned around and noticed too. He looked back at me, crestfallen. He thought my answer was a no, since I hadn't responded yet and just kept looking at Sameer. He was leaving. I put my arms around him just in time to have his gaze fall upon me again. Thank heavens! I was so emotional, god. I don’t even know how I did it, but I did. I kissed him, and he kissed me back and it was paradise again, no party, no music (okay, faint music, not deafening), no Sameer (clearly), nothing but his lips caressing mine, my heart beating at the rate of a gazillion beats a second, and my whole body tingling. It wasn’t long enough, but it wasn’t inappropriate. It was absolutely apt, totally meant to be, and beautifully comforting.”
***************
That was all. No more. The rest was blank. She looked at the date. May 20.
11 days before today, some years ago. 11 days that had changed her life completely. She put the diary down and grabbed a pen from her desk and then sat down on her bed, uncapping her pen and began writing. She stroked off May 20 in that year and wrote May 31 instead. She wrote:
“May 20, Thursday: May 31, Wednesday:
Dear Diary,
I’m sorry I didn’t write any further. I tried so hard to recollect what happened in all those days and especially, the day right after. I cannot be so descriptive diary, but I’ll try to sum it up in the best way possible.
So Sameer. Well, as of today, he’s married and is a happy man and a father to sweet twin boys. He married one of my closest friends. He and I still remain friends, and he and his wife still send invites. I haven’t had any reasons to cry thereafter, diary. None at all. Life’s seems worth living now since what happened. He happened. Ranbir. :)
He was the one who said all those things about me that night, the one who came looking for me, not giving up. I must say, he brings out the best in me. Since that night diary, a lot of things happened. Wonderful things happened. ‘US’ happened. He and I, we’ve never gone back to being who we were. I feel reborn. I feel new. And with him, I feel great strength and weakness, power and vulnerability, but it’s all good. Now there’s no one else I’d rather be with, diary, nothing makes me happier than his eyes, crinkling, looking at me like I were some priceless treasure (he insists I am), no place more comforting than his arms, and no place warmer with love than his heart. He’s kept all his promises and I still remember what he said that night. So does he. He loves me every day like it were the first day of 'us', with the same passion, same warmth, the same, unfaltering, unconditional love. Dreams come true.
Thank you for being there for me when I needed you diary. I’m indebted to you. I hope someday I shall let him read this, and her too, our little girl.
Love Always,
Deepika.”
She then shut the diary and walked downstairs. She heard voices from the drawing room. She stood there, watching and smiling as he helped a little girl put on her shoes. He buckled them for her and lifted her in his arms. He spun around to look at her standing, and smiled. They both walked outside to their backyard and he set the girl down. All their friends were there, some just arriving, and some of them with their own children. It was their girl’s birthday.
She went off playing with her friends as he and she stood in the door frame, leaning on the sides, smiling, as they watched her.
And it was then that she felt compelled to let him read the diary, she put her arms around him, surprising him pleasantly, the diary still in one hand. She gave him a peck and whispered “I don’t say this enough but I love you.” She handed him the diary and said “Because frankly above all, you’re my Wonderwall.”