Chapter Fifteen
I hate it because I want to stay
I wake up cold sweating.
Think, Meryl! Think. There is something that clicks, the answer I’ve been looking for. It’s there inside of my mind, teasing me for not being able to reach my inner conscience. I can feel it, but the door is locked. I’m looking for the key but it isn’t there. The door is familiar, but it’s the first time I sense it as something related to Paxia. It’s been there all my life. I didn’t need to open it until now.
Maybe I’m trying too hard?
I lie still in the dark. The room is too hot and Lex is holding an arm across my chest. It feels nice, but most importantly is that it feels right. He’s deep asleep and he also loves me somehow. None of us are the romantic kind and I would have hated a lovesick guy. Lex is so secure in himself. That is a reason why I find him so sexy. He’s perfect for me.
Oh, yes. What’s the problem with Paxia again?
I feel the webs around me and it’s easy as that. I can remember where I’ve been, just not what I was thinking about! I should make a riddle and make it so obvious that I can remember a few details. There is no harm in trying. I can just try again if I fail.
I push myself out of my body with that in mind. The door inside my mind opens by itself. It’s locked from the inside and I understand that it holds everything that I know but is oblivious of. I guess the information usually slips out by itself once I figured them out.
The most important fact is who I am. I am a real Paxian, born at Earth with an Earthling as a mother. She doesn’t know that Dad is from Paxia and he is also the only Paxian who lives there. My dad used to be Paxia three. I inherited that right when I was born and overtook his key. That makes a lot of sense since the disappearances started to happen mostly after I was born.
All the information is like reading a book. It’s not entirely complete; there are still a lot of things that I need to find out. I just need to work out a way to transfer it to the part of my brain that I can access.
I give the room a rough look. There is nothing in here that reminds me of my home at Earth. I should keep looking… No. I should ask Tarih.
The webs are flying around me like violet velvet threads. A few of them are green and they are beautiful. The green are the ones people from Earth are able to control. They can only handle a very small part of Tarih compared to me. I need to figure out all of it before I can go back home.
I’m not sure where home is anymore.
Mirror, mirror, mirror.
Tarih speaks to me so suddenly and I walk up to the big mirror hanging on the wall. I can’t see my own reflection in the glass. Why should I? I’m totally invisible. It’s a weird thing to watch into a mirror and not see myself. But then suddenly I do. My body sits up in the bed and makes its way over the floor to the mirror. It’s like I’m sleepwalking. I watch in astonishment how she breaths on the mirror so it gets foggy. Then she raises her finger and writes the letters D A D on it.
I am pushed back into my body. My finger is still touching the mirror and for a second I’m confused why I’m here. Then I see the written word dad in front of me. The truth hits me within a second and the door opens up inside my mind. I can see it all clearly now. Tears are stinging in my eyes. All I know is that I need to breathe. I stumble out of the house and the coal filled hot air hits me and makes it even harder to breathe.
Calm down Meryl! You’re not suffocating.
Yes I am. I need fresh air, I need the sea.
The whole camp is silent. The tribe has already fallen asleep and I can’t hold my panic back. There are no dangers for me in Paxia. I can go wherever I want! I can do whatever I feel like.
My legs start running the fastest way to the sea. It feels like every breath is killing me and the tears keeps rolling down my cheeks. I need air. I need air!
The thoughts are slowly starting to make sense to me. My own dad is from this world. He’s been here and he opened up the portal from Earth to Paxia. We are all here killing each other, eating each other because of him! It’s his fault that we are starving and going insane.
I run through the dark landscape without a trace of life around me. Or maybe I can’t sense them in my panicked state. Whatever, I don’t care. I need to close the portal. How the hell do I close it?
Then finally I reach the coastline and I stop at the edge by the water and take deep calming breaths. It’s helping me slowly. I strip out of my clothes and jump into the sea. The cold water calms down my sweaty body and the tension slowly disappears as I drift away on my back.
I never swam naked before. It’s a good therapy for me at the moment. What happens after I close the portal? Will I have to stay in Paxia?
I want to stay here.
-
I am slowly walking back to the tribe. My hair dried a long time ago and my clothes are a mess after I put them on over my wet body after the endless swim. I had drifted for hours before I finally got out of the sea. I had quickly found my way back to the shoreline where I jumped in. My clothes were still there. I had not worried about them but it would have been awkward to return naked to the camp.
I will never reach the camp today in my speed, but I’m not exactly in a hurry. I’m letting my mind swim on the webs. There has to be a way to use it so it doesn’t make me tired. The Paxian in me is slowly waking up and I want it to put my human part into rest.
I ignore the hunger that is spreading through my body. I only drink from the stream. I’m so stuck in my thoughts that I don’t notice the person approaching me.
“Baby,” Lex says and takes my hand. “I wondered where you were.”
“I couldn’t sleep so I took a walk.” I give him a mad smile and press my body to his. “I’m hungry.” I close my eyes and the tiredness washes over me.
“There’s a camp nearby. We don’t have to walk very far.”
He points a direction and I teleport us over there. We walk the last bit to the hideout. I’ve never been here and it is just as well hidden as the rest of the small camps. He takes me to a pile of blankets and I drop down on them.
“I hate the dust,” I start mumbling. “I hate the heat. I hate it because I’m getting used to it. I hate it because I want to stay here. Am I crazy, Lex?”
“We’re all crazy in Paxia,” he answers me and starts open a few cans. He opens his backpack and takes out a bottle of water and washes one of the pots before emptying the can into it. “Are you okay?”
“No,” I answer with a frown. “How can I be okay? How can I be happy when we are all stuck in this world? ”
“It’s alright, Meryl. There’s not much we can do to change the past.”
“Do you need some help with that?” I ask when I remember how to use my manners.
“No, you can cook the next time instead.”
“Thanks, I’m really not in a mood. You should have ignored me when you saw me.” I sigh loudly and regret my dramatic comment. He must think I’m a loser now. Maybe he’ll dump me and throw me out of the house. I can live without the house, but I don’t want to live without him.
“I think you need some time off from everything. Let’s stay here for a few days and rest.”
“I’d like that. The whole tribe is making me depressed.”
I watch the grey fog above me. It’s so familiar now. I’ve gotten used to how different Paxia is from Earth. I wonder what the real Paxia is like. Is it possible to walk through the water until I find land? Maybe I should try it. I won’t drown as long as Tarih is helping me swim. I just can’t leave Lex. He saved my life and took care of me.
Lex quickly heats up the food and brings me a bowl. “Eat up now.”
We eat in silence and I enjoy the dinner slowly. It’s meatballs in sauce. Dad makes amazing meatballs. They’re not soggy like these. I’m not complaining, I’ve learned to be thankful for what I get to eat. I’m happy as long as it isn’t human flesh. I’m awfully tired of white roots and fish too. Lex seems to enjoy the change of meal and heats up another can. I am not declining a second meal.
“Thanks for the food,” I tell him after we finish eating. “Let me take the dishes to the stream.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure!” I smile to him and he takes my hand.
“You look a lot better now. I’m glad Meryl. I’ll come with you to the stream. I want to wash myself off. Then maybe you and I can spend the rest of the day resting, if you’re in the mood.”
His suggestion makes me excited and I nod. We never make it to the stream. I start kissing him and soon we’re all over each other. We don’t have to be careful since no one is here to disturb us. It feels so good to lose myself in him. The best part is that he seems to want me just as much as I want him.
-
The food is running out on the fifth day away from the tribe, so we decide to return. Lex needed the time off just as much as I did. We spent the days talking, making love and just resting. We were in our own paradise where we could forget about everything for a few days.
I decide to deal with my father’s deceit when I return to Earth. I will look him into his eyes and tell him what he did to our worlds. The worst thing he can say is that he doesn’t care. I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive him whatever reason behind his choice is. He’s a Paxia traitor and he’s putting Earthlings in danger.
I miss the wheel chair. I’m getting more used to live without my legs, but that doesn’t change anything. Using Tarih to walk is not the same thing as using your own two working legs. It’s amazing how well I managed to adapt to my disability in Paxia, compared to how I acted on Earth. It’s not very fair to compare my shielded life with my family to the tribe. I didn’t have a choice if I wanted to survive. I could have given up, so that proves that my will to live didn’t die down with the accident. I was just simply depressed.
How will I feel when I get back home?
I will be helpless without the Tarih. I will not be heartbroken. Paxia made me tough. Will I be tough enough to part from Lex? That thought makes me depressed.
“I’m not looking forward to returning,” Lex shares with me. His frown says it all. “I wish it could be just you and me against everyone. We would manage well.”
“Yes we would,” I agree thoughtfully. “I doubt the tribe wants to let us go.”
“They should learn to become more independent. I’ve done enough for them as it is.”
“They are going to like the new blankets we are bringing them,” I add with a smile. We are holding everything we can carry that can be of use in the camp. It’s not very much, but it’s enough for them to notice a difference.
“Let’s get it over with,” he mutters and takes my arm. “Do you feel like practicing some teleportation?”
“You know I do,” I grin back and focus on Tarih.
The violet web seems to be the answer. The green ones will exhaust me. It’s harder to manage the violet webs since there are so many paths to take. I will not learn unless I practice so I reach out to them without a doubt. It’s getting easier to read the signs in the web and I quickly jump from end to end on my way back to the tribe.
We land just outside the camp. I still don’t want to show off my amazing skills. The minute long travel taught me to travel within the violet threads and I’m proud of myself for making at least one new discovery today. Lex tenses and I put my mind on a high alert. The camp doesn’t have the same aura as it usually does.
“Something happened,” he says needlessly and starts running with me in his heels.
We drop our package to the ground when we reach the middle of the camp. A lot less tribe members are here and their panicked expressions tells us that they aren’t out to gather food. Two guards runs up to us.
“We lost the net and eight members,” the blonde middle aged man Hank says. “We were surprised by the Blinking Sirens and got stuck in a bloody battle. It was a luck that Judy and I managed to escape from them in the turmoil.”
“So you were the only survivors?” Lex states angrily.
“It’s really war now,” Hank says with a frown. “They have the net so they are able to fish. We are back to square one again with the food supply.”
That was my net! I can’t explain the anger I feel inside of me. We worked so hard to get it to work and it was so easily taken away from us. I can’t accept that. I need to do something about it.
“How many did they lose?” I demand to know. “Eight people don’t give up without a fight.”
“Not more than four. Jessica and Peter went out to the moon trees. They reckon the other tribe will be too busy trying to fish than collect fruit.”
Lex meets my glare and nods hastily at me. “We will meet up with them and discuss the food supply.”
We leave the camp quickly but stop to face each other as soon as we are hidden by the thick grey wall of fog. Sweat is dripping down my back and the shower I longed for has to wait a bit longer.
“What are we going to do, Lex?” I wonder sadly. “The war will never end. We can get it back but they will keep taking it back.”
“It was nice as long as it lasted,” he agrees. “It did wake up the rest of the tribe so hopefully everyone is prepared to go out here and join the food hunt.”
“That’s true.”
I give him a sad smile. I don’t want to keep secrets from him, but I don’t have a choice. I must find the net and destroy it. I’m the only one with the power to do so.
I look at the velvet threads surrounding us. They are becoming brighter now, giving colour to the grey world of Paxia. I have to have patience. I still need to work out how a few things in Tarih clicks. I was blind when I first got here, but I’m starting to see more as I learn how this world works.
-
Lex taught me how to make tattoos. I’m decorating one of my belts with patterns and I’m getting good at it. I wonder if there is a way to remove the tattoos from the skin. I’d like to remove mine one day. I don’t feel like having a huge ugly tattoo on my arm for the rest of my life. I’m not intending to be in this tribe forever.
I still need to learn to use the Tarih fully. The problem is that I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that when I don’t know what it is. It feels like I’ve learned everything. There is still one angle I can’t figure out and nothing seems to activate it. It must be a quiz, just like the conscience wall I took down a month ago.
It turned out I didn’t have to revenge for the net. The Blinking Sirens had been attacked by The Flying Birds and the net had been ripped and burned. They had been smart and surprised them when they left the net with just a few tribe members. I could see them clearly as a day from here when it happened. The Birds had eaten the dead Sirens and left the burned out net on the ground. They have turned into real cannibals and enjoy the human hunt.
The Blinking Sirens are shrinking as a tribe and The Breaking Arm is still the largest of them all. I’m wondering when they will feel desperate enough to attack us on our home grounds.
The whole tribe is now working hard to collect food. We took an oath to never eat human food. We don’t want to lose our humanity. I’m forced to become a vegetarian again. Last week we were lucky to find a deer walking around. No flesh has ever tasted so good before. One deer didn’t last long with the remaining twenty-nine tribe members.
Lex looks happy. We haven’t been human hunting. In fact, we have been avoiding the other tribes as much as possible. A lot of the tension in him has disappeared and he actually smiles for himself sometimes. That is such a drastic change since I met him in the fog the first time.
The fog is gone. One day it just wasn’t there anymore. It’s been replaced by a thin white haze. I know it’s just my eyes that have changed. I usually look myself in the mirror, but they look the same as always. They are different and nothing is stopping my sight to see the whole landscape in front of me. The air doesn’t feel hard to breathe in either. The coal warm oxygen I suffered a lot from seems fresh and tastes like lemon. Not to mention the heat has turned into a cool breeze.
The changes are drastic. I think it has to do with me changing my mindset and exploring the violet webs. I can see hints of the grey Paxia whenever I use the green threads. Sadly it’s still as dry and dusty as always.
I can’t shake of the feeling that something very drastic must happen for me to find out the last secret of Paxia. Something tells me it will be something so bad for me that I shiver deep down my soul just thinking about it. I’m scared for the future; I just don’t know what it is yet.