Relive
The scene formed before my eyes instantly, faster than I imagined it would. I suppose that the memory was permanently ingrained into my mind.
I was standing under the awning of a grocery shop, when that familiar scent of him wafted towards me, accompanied with the faint sound of words through the thundering of rain. As I followed the sound, a cry of surprise and fear rang through the rain. My pace instantly sped up, and I was soon mere metres away from the source of the cry for help.
"Where is it?"
"Where's what?"
"Listen up here. Let me give you a piece of advice. Don't play dumb, 'kay? Don't play dumb, and fucking give it to me!"
"Whoa, keep it cool... go easy on me if I'm gonna end up being your boxing bag," replied Juarez's voice.
"Shut your fucking mouth, and give me the bag, you fucking-"
"No need for the swearing, big guy. Sorry, I'm afraid I can't give you 'this bag', seeing as I have nothing in my pockets, so I suggest that you be on your way. You wouldn't want me to remember your face so I can call the cops on your fine little tail, yes?"
"Fine little tail, eh? Now, what d'you think of this fine baby, huh? I think you might want to hand over that bag now. Don't think I didn't see you this morning, you prick! I saw you at his place, and I saw you collecting that package, so I wouldn't bother lying, yeah?"
"Sorry, man, don't know what you're talking about," he replied and—
Three bangs echoed through the night. The same three nights that echoed through the depths of my sleep, that woke me up almost every night. Three shots pierced Leo Juarez's skin. Three shots pierced my heart with renewed pain.
"I didn't wanna do this, you son of a bitch, but you left me no choice."
I heard the sound of Juarez gurgling and choking on his own blood, when the oner of the gun appeared, holding the guilty weapon in one hand and a small pouch, barely big enough to slip on his wrist, in the other. The man was short with hooded eyes that glinted back. His cheeks were hollow, emphasising his sharp cheekbones. A sick smile spread across his thin lips as soon as his eyes landed on me, standing in the rain as still as a statue.
"Well, hello there," he said, stepping forward as though to touch my face, but the evident desire vanished when he caught sight of my expression, and terror replaced the want as he took a step back. "Hey, what do you want? Money? I'll give you money. You don't need to give me no lap dance if you wanna, I'll give you all the cash I've got!"
I watched on as my body moved seemingly lifelessly, snapping his neck as though I was just splitting a bar of chocolate. I acted without a second thought, oblivious to the fact that I had actually just taken away a life.
I hurried to the side of the abandoned dying body, and the moment I laid on his paling face—
I sat up abruptly with my eyes wide and frantic, darting around in fear.
"Megan, calm down! It was just a dream, dammit!"
Kieran's face loomed into my scope of vision, shaking my shoulders vigorously.
"No, it isn't! No, it isn't!" I cried hysterically. Blood coated my hands in a slippery layer, and mingled with my tears as I clawed at my face. It was all so dreadfully real.
"Megan, look at me." A single hand locked both of my wrists together in a tight grip, and another forced my chin up, forcing me to look at Kieran. I stared into Kieran's calm eyes manically. "Look at me, Megan, and don't look away," he whispered. Why doesn't he understand? Why can't he see the blood? This is all real, why won't he...
I focused on his dark chocolate eyes and the vibrant gold flecks that speckled his irises like autumn leaves scattered across a pavement. They were an anchor of sorts, and I clung to them desperately as I tried to shake those memories away. Slowly the terror and tension ebbed away, leaving me exhausted and weak.
He must have seen the clarity in my demeanour, because Kieran slowly relaxed his hold on my wrists and backed away warily, as though I was going to burst into tears again. I looked down at my hands, half expecting them to be covered in blood, only to find them pale and free of any blood. My face, on the other hand, throbbed with a dull ache from the scratches I'd inflicted with my nails.
I swallowed with a great deal of difficulty before looking up at Kieran again. His tanned face was kept carefully devoid of any expression so as to prevent another breakdown from my side of the situation. He was kneeling in front of me on the bed, and his arms were raised with the palms facing me with the promise of no harm.
"I—what did you do to me?" I whispered, my voice sounding harsh and unforgiving through my ragged throat.
"Magic," Kieran replied shortly, returning to his seat by my side. "It can strengthen the power of imagination, bringing it a step closer to reality." The words struck a chord inside me, and I suppressed a shiver.
"Did you... gain anything from my memories?" I demanded bitterly. All I'd ever done in the last two years was trying to wipe out these memories, but now he'd gone and resurfaced what I'd plunged beneath misery. It was like he'd exploded dynamite, and the dead fish were floating up, ready to be collected. "Other than, you know, finding out that I'm a murder and all of that?"
"Yes, I did, and don't worry yourself about all of that. You of all people should know that it takes more than a broken neck to kill a Lupi."
"Excuse me?"
Kiera raised his eyebrows at my shock in surprise. "What're you, nose-dead? Didn't you catch his Lupi scent?"
"No," I breathed, shaken. I'd been too immersed in a mixture of excitement and shellshocked grief at finding my mate bleeding out to realise that his killer was a Lupi. "No, I never knew."
I sat very still in a paralysed silence, looking down at my hands, which were clenched into fists, and watching the Aletheia run its course through my bloodstream.
"Listen," Kieran began hesitantly, "do you maybe want to have a shower and sleep for a while? Get some rest, step back from everything for the night?"
I nodded after a prolonged moment of silence. Kieran nodded and got to his feet. "Maybe when you wake up, we'll go shopping tomorrow."
Despite my misery, I managed to raise a dubiously eyebrow at him. "You? Shopping?"
"Do you want clothes or not?" Kieran replied flatly, but his eyes crinkled slightly at the corners. "There's some soap and towels inside, so..." Kieran trailed off as he led me to the bathroom and gently shut the door behind him.
I eyed my sullen reflection in the mirror suspiciously, almost unsure of the haggard spectre who stood before me. The grey eyes were dull, and her hair was a matted knot, hanging to her waist in a mass of tangles. The look was completed with the smattering of black and blue that speckled my face. I tilted my head to the right. The reflection imitated me. I raised a hand to my cheek. She copied me. I signed softly, convinced that she was me, and peeled of the clothes that only seemed to emphasise my lifelessness, and stepped into the shower, turning up the heat until the water almost scalded my skin.
It should've hurt. It should've burned, but it didn't. I was too detached, mechanically running my fingers through the notes and massaging shampoo and conditioner that Kieran must have accumulated from numerous hotels into my scalp. My eyes stung and smarted as the lather dripped into them, but I ignored it. I ignored everything. I was so lost that I didn't even realise it when my wolf awoke and tried to force herself out.
The force of her first attempt dropped me to my knees on the tiles. I clutched my wrist in agony as she tried again, and this time the bones realigned themselves, silver fur sprouting from my skin. Within a minute my entire right arm had transformed into that of a wolf's. Had I enough control, enough strength, I would have been able to just suppress the urge to shift, but I didn't. I bit my lip to prevent cries from escaping, only to have fangs dig into the skin instead.
Somewhere, behind the heavy curtain of pain and screaming, I heard the door bang open. The water flow stopped, and I heard Kieran shouting mutedly at me in the hopes of gaining a response from me.
"Not now, Megan!" I heard a sliver of his voice pass through the curtain, but I could only focus on the taste of blood flooding my mouth, and the burning sensation in my arm that was fast spreading up and through my body. I felt Kieran's arms lift me off the ground, and the next thing I knew, I was lying sprawled across the kitchen counter, convulsing uncontrollably, as my skin fought against itself to accommodate a bestial being.
Kieran pressed a vial of some sort against my lips, and vile taste bloomed in my mouth. It tasted bitter and acrid, coating my tongue like a stubborn second layer. My first instinct was to gag and spit the substance out, but Kieran had already clamped his hand over my mouth, forcing me to swallow. The pain dulled and faded away as soon as the liquid entered my system, but not before my bones realigned themselves to form my human body.
I lay on the counter, gasping for air with a parched throat, almost oblivious to the face that I was completely naked, although that was the last thing on my mind. Kieran left my side and returned with a thick blanket with which he covered my body with. He gently lifted me up and led me back into the bathroom, where my clothes still were and closed the door halfway to let me change.
"What did you do to me?" I whispered. My voice was soft, worn out from my screams.
"The drink? We call it Akonit. It's made from the extract of wolfsbane. Tastes like shit, though, from what I hear."
"What does it do?"
"Prevents a Lupi from shifting. Large doses actually strip a Lupi of their ability to shift, but what I gave you was enough to subdue your shifting for just a few days."
I froze, and delved through my mind, searching for the familiar presence of my wolf, but all I could sense was a drowsy shadow lurking behind the curtain that moved sluggishly.
"Sorry, but I really am strapped for money. I'd find a shorter-term solution, but, well..." Kieran trailed off, and I laughed quietly at his reasoning. I emerged from the bathroom, dressed in the same drab clothes paired with dripping wet hair that stained the fabric several shades darker.
"Here." Kieran tossed me a towel, and I hurriedly squeezed out the excess water. "You probably need the sleep more than anything else, so you can take the spare room." I nodded without a word and followed him into a small room, empty of any decor other than the bed and a small corner desk. "You can sleep here for now."
"Thank you," I murmured. My voice was already thick with sleep.
"No worries. Just... try and get some sleep," he said as he left the room, but not before drawing that blinds shut, and gently closed the door behind him.
I stood still for a moment, letting everything sink in, before lowering myself under the blankets, but I couldn't convince myself to sleep.
I stared up at the ceiling that was streaked with gashes of moonlight that slipped through the gaps between the blinds, going over what had happened. The timeline constantly looped, always starting from that night in the rain. None of it made any sense. How could Leo have been a Nephilim? Surely I would have noticed his unusual scent... but then again, how did I mistake his Lupi killer to be a human? Something was wrong with me. Well, no shit, Megs. You've always known that. You've always known that you're brain's a bad apple. You just need to figure out which part has rotted away. I shivered at the dark thought and hastily stifled it. There was no point in trying to convince myself that I wasn't crazy. I'd known the truth the moment I saw Leo die.
I sank my teeth into my lower lip and shut my eyes in a vain attempt to block the thoughts that belonged to a mad woman. I could envision my teeth sharpening into fangs, digging deep through the flesh until it hit bone. I could see myself transform into a monster, the personification of my mental state, and it terrified me.
I went through the files of my memories, trying to remember when I first became a lost cause. When I was leaning out of my teenage years, I was an outcast of sorts. When I was leaning in to the teenage years, I was an outcast. When I was younger still, I was quieter compared to the rest of the pack, and I vaguely remember hating the presence of another Lupi child as a toddler. Had I really been like this all my life? Had I always been a goner?
A small sound escaped my lips as I turned to my side, hugging my knees to my chest as tears slid out without respite. Why was this happening to me? It isn't a case of why, Megs. You're crazy. You've always been a bit crazy.
A strangled sob came out as I pushed away the thought, and slowly, very, very slowly, I cried myself to sleep.