Triggers: Mentions of a previous suicide attempt.
Will's POV:
The party was scattered around the Wheelers' basement like dropped marbles on a lazy Sunday afternoon, the day after Mike and I had made our little deal. Eleven and Dustin were sitting by the back wall giggling and whispering with each other about god knows what, Mike and Lucas were sitting at our D&D table arguing over how they wanted to play our next campaign and my sister - having returned from her mini-holiday with Lucas an hour previously - was lounging at my feet as I braided her hair whilst on Mike's couch.
"So..." Max whispered and I could hear the smirk I was sure was plastered on her face in her accusing tone, "When I first got here, Jonathan told me you've both spent the past two nights here. Him with Nance and you with Mike. Do you care to explain, dear brother?"
I was grateful that none of the party were paying attention to us as I could feel my cheeks begin to burn. "Oh, friends stay over at their friends' houses all the time. It's no big deal." I responded, attempting to make my voice sound airy and disinterested but I knew I'd failed when Max pulled her hair from my clasp and climbed up and sat next to me cross-legged on the couch, her body facing mine.
"Don't give me that." She snapped, a devilish smile glittering on her freckled face. "You can't lie to me, Will, I can see right through you. Tell me everything."
"Nothing happened, you know, physically if that's what you're asking about." I told her, desperately trying to keep my voice low. "I mean, we almost kissed but then we didn't. Jonathan walked in and put an end to that."
"Holy shit, really?" Max squealed, earning glances from Dustin and El but not from the two boys still in a heated argument.
"Keep your voice down, Maxie!" I pleaded with the far too excited girl waiting expectantly before me.
"Oh god, sorry. Seriously, I swear, when we get home, I'm going to kick that big brother of ours' ass."
"He didn't know what he was doing, I don't blame him."
"Well I do," Max huffed, looking irritated before a bright look of interest washed over her face. "Wait, you said nothing happened physically, right? Does that mean something has happened, like, emotionally?"
Burying my face in my hands as the blush returned drastically to my cheeks, I heard Max quietly call, "I knew it!" in obvious triumph.
"We're not dating, Maxie." I informed my sister, "Not yet, at least. I told him that I do want to be with him and, as long as he's willing to wait for me to be ready, then we will be together one day I'm just not exactly sure when that would be. It could be soon, it could be years from now, I don't know. All I know is that we love each other and we want to be together eventually. Please don't tell anyone other than maybe Jonathan. I want to wait until we're actually together before we tell anyone that, well, we're getting together."
The red-haired girl dove on me and tackled me down on the couch, throwing her arms around me and shrieking about how happy she was for me and, despite myself and the glances we received from Dustin and Eleven, I couldn't help myself from laughing.
"Jesus, could you guys please keep it down? We're trying to talk over here!" Dustin moaned, clearly pissed off that Max and I had interrupted his and the curly-haired girl sat with him's conversation. As I looked towards him, still pinned down by my sister, I noticed how close Eleven was sitting to him and how her right arm was gracefully draped across his leg and I grinned, sure Mike and I had been correct in our assumptions about them.
"Leave 'em alone." Mike chastised, "They're only having fun. Anyway, I'm gonna go up and refill the snacks and hopefully this idiot will have sorted out his mind and realised that my plan is far better than his by the time I come back." The boy I knew I would spend my life with muttered in a reproachful voice whilst gesturing in Lucas' direction who rolled his eyes in return.
Unlatching myself and crawling out from beneath my sister, I called out, "I'll help!" and ran to meet the boy of my dreams halfway up the stairs, earning yet another smirk from Max.
"Hey." Mike beamed at me, a huge grin illuminating his whole face as our eyes locked and we ascended to his ground floor all alone. I gazed in wonder at my companion and found myself getting lost more and more into those dark, all consuming eyes of his.
"Hi." I replied, almost breathless. You'd think after spending two days in his company, I'd have gotten used to his beauty yet every time I looked at his face, I discovered new elements that set my heart racing and brought my breathing to a swift halt.
"You and Max are very giggly tonight." He pried, raising an eyebrow and I knew Mike was hinting at me to tell why my sister and I had been laughing.
"She's the worst at being subtle, I swear to god." I complained as I leapt onto the kitchen counter and sat myself down as Mike rummaged above my head in the cupboards for snacks.
"And why did you want her to be subtle? What were you talking about that you didn't want the rest of us to hear? Wait, if you don't want to tell me then you don't have to, I'm not going to force you to-"
"She figured out something had happened between me and you and she wanted to know about us. I didn't even mean to tell her, she kind of got it out of me."
"Huh, what did you tell her?"
"You know, that I said I do want to be with you eventually and that I love you and - what the fuck?" I began but was cut off as the bowl Mike was trying going to fill slipped from his grasp as he let go in shock at my absent-minded declaration of love for him and it bounced off my head, landing on the floor with a clatter.
Within the space of less than a second, Mike had abandoned his task and was standing between my legs, his hands on either side of my face and a look of horror on his own as he searched my head for any sign of injury. "Holy shit, Will, I'm so sorry! Oh my god, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it...are you okay? Where does it hurt? I'm so fucking so-"
"Calm down, Mikey, I'm fine. It's okay. It barely touched me, I was just surprised."
"No no no no, it's not okay. Not okay at all. I can't believe I just-"
"Michael Wheeler!" I announced sternly, taking his face in my hands, the way mine was in his, and forcing him to look into my eyes rather than at the spot on my forehead of the collision. "Listen to me, I am perfectly 100% okay. Calm down, okay? Please, baby."
"I hurt you, I promised I would never." The boy whispered and I witnessed in shock as he began to cry at something I thought wasn't even serious enough to qualify as a minor incident. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pulled Mike closer to me in an embrace. He buried his face in my shoulder and I held him close as I felt his teardrops drip down my neck and my heart felt like it was shattering from the sorrow in his sobs.
"You didn't hurt me, baby, I promise. I've had far worse scrapes than this." I informed the boy in my arms.
"That isn't the point." He whimpered from my shoulder, still obviously devastated so I began to softly run my fingers through his hair in hope of calming him down and bringing him comfort.
"Then tell me what is the point, Mikey? What's upset you so much?"
"I'm supposed to be the one to protect you and put you back on your feet when you fall down. I'm supposed to be the one to make you eternally happy." Mike fought out between sobs, "And yet I keep hurting you sometimes even more than anyone else. We...we had s-sex when you weren't ready and, oh Will, it drove you to attempting to commit suicide and I can't forgive myself. I'm so sorry, darling, I'm so sorry."
I struggled to fight back tears as I attempted to console the boy I loved, suddenly feeling furious with myself. I'd forgiven Mike for that night between us a long time ago and I knew what I had done wasn't his fault yet I hadn't ever told him any of this. It was months later and I had allowed him to blame himself for my own suicide attempt that whole time
"None of that was your fault, Mikey. None of it. Yes, I wasn't ready for us to have sex but you never pushed me. It was my decision and I made the wrong one because I needed more time after what happened with Alex but you were gentle and loving and you made me feel alive. I blamed you at the time because I couldn't accept the idea that I could actually deserve love. You never hurt me and I'm so fucking sorry that I told you you did. And...and what I did to myself, I wasn't in a good place and there was another voice reminding me that I was weak and worthless and that's what drove me to that moment, not you. The fact that I tried to end my own life is not in any way your fault. Please, baby, please don't blame yourself. You're the one who has helped me move on from that and I'm so grateful."
"So...so you don't hate me for having sex with you?" Mike begged, lifting his head up to face me with desperation in every feature.
"I could never hate you! I love you, Michael Wheeler and I'm proud to say it."
"I love you too." He whispered back, his dark eyes burning deeply into my own but still spilling tears which I wiped away with my thumb before craning my neck to place a single kiss on his cheek.
"Well stop crying then and finish getting these snacks for everyone! I'm hungry and I could really do with some Reese's Pieces right about now." I instructed as I jumped down from the counter and placed the bowl back into his hands.
~
During the couple of weeks that followed, I spent everyday either over at Mike's house or he at mine when we weren't in school. With every moment I enjoyed in the company of the only person I could ever dream of spending my life with, I felt the hole that had worked its way through my heart grow smaller and smaller until it was practically nonexistent - even without us declaring our love for one another, as we had done in the Wheelers' kitchen, again during that period.
On the second Sunday following that night, I waltzed through my front door having returned home once again from the home of the boy I loved with a light heart that was chirruping with joy.
"You're in a good mood." My mom beamed at me.
"He always is these days." Jonathan mumbled and I heard him and Max start sniggering as they were both well aware of the reason I was so happy...Mike, of course.
"Quiet, you two. It's nice to see you so happy again, Will. After everything, you deserve it and I'm so proud of you!" My mother ruffled my hair before calling goodnight to the three of us and pecking us all on the cheek and heading off to bed.
"So..." Max ventured as she and Jonathan followed me over to the couch with looks of wicked intrigue on their faces. "Any updates on the Mike Wheeler front?" Both of my siblings stared at me intensely and I was sure they'd been planning this little Q&A ever since I left for Mike's house that same morning.
Rolling my eyes, I replied to my overly expectant audience with an answer I was sure they didn't want to hear: "No we're still not together."
"Why not? Honestly, Will, this is the happiest I've seen you in a very long time and I'm not just talking about since that dick Alex. From long before he came along you've not been yourself but these last few weeks, you've never not had a smile on your face. Can you honestly give me one good reason that you're not allowing yourself to be even happier and finally be with him when I know that's all you've wanted for years?" Jonathan asked me, looking completely exasperated as I thought over his words that struck me more than I expected them to.
My brother had a point, what reason did I actually have for asking Mike for time? I'd told him I needed to heal completely yet Mike had been the reason I was healing at all in the first place so didn't it make sense that, with him, I would be whole? "I guess I can't." I replied honestly. "You're right, Jonathan. He is all I have ever wanted, even when I was with Alex, I was in love with Mike. If I could go back, I'd tell Mike that, I'd tell him I loved him and I wanted him before Alex ever came in the picture. I should've been with Mike from the start and I completely fucked that up."
"You both fucked that up because you refused to speak to each other about how you felt until it was too late." Max interjected and I couldn't have agreed more with her words. Mike and I had had some serious communication issues and that had been the main factor that had led us to this point in our relationship: limbo - somewhere between being just friends and boyfriends.
"I...I know I've only just got b-back...but I think I need to go and sp-speak with him. I need to speak to Mike." I stammered as nervous butterflies took flight in the pit of my stomach.
I don't want to be in limbo anymore.
*
This chapter is mismatched and weird but also a little bit oh my god. Do you feel me?
Nah, I don't know what I'm talking about either. I never do.
The bowl thing was kind of strange but it's supposed to be a little trigger for Mike to talk to Will about his own bottled-up feelings.
Dear Byers siblings, thank you! We love a bit of sibling tough love to force Will to get his shit together.
Also, though I like the content of these last few chapters, I hate my writing so much. I'm pretty sure I'm getting worse at writing as this goes on and I'm not loving my life right now.
- Niamh.