It's been two weeks.
Two weeks since Hawkins Middle School's Snow Ball of 1984 and a lot had been playing on my mind.
I hadn't been sleeping, I hadn't been eating, I'd barely left my room and my family were starting to worry about me. I tried to hide the fact that my brain had been all over the place, whirring with a million thoughts a minute from them but wasting so much of my energy on trying to pretend I was mentally okay, meant that I began to neglect myself and they noticed. All in all, my efforts were in vain.
Never did I expect to hide this emotional turmoil from my friends, they know me better than even Nancy does so I wasn't surprised when Will, Lucas, Dustin and even Max staged an intervention for me via our walkie-talkies, demanding to know what was going on with me all at once. Max didn't say that much to me, she just politely asked if I was okay and when I told her to leave me alone she just said "Over and out" and that was that. She probably still thought I didn't like her but it wasn't anything personal to her that made me not want to speak.
The other three weren't so easy to get rid of. Lucas and Dustin took the hardline approach: "Michael Wheeler, you tell us why you've been ignoring us recently right this second! I won't take no for an answer. Over."
"Yeah, Mike. We haven't even played D&D in weeks now! Over." And then the bickering between themselves started as they are incapable of going thirty seconds without a fight.
"Is that really the issue right now? Over."
"I think it is. Over."
And so on and so on. Then when they finally circled back to me, they began to get angry and said that it wasn't fair of me to hide myself away and not let anyone know if I was safe, for all they knew I could have been taken by a demo-dog. Or something worse.
The words of two of my best friends did make me feel a little guilty but that didn't change the fact that I wasn't ready to face them yet. I needed my alone time to figure out what the hell was going on with me. I zoned out of their relentless lectures until I heard a much quieter voice chime in, a softer voice, a voice that made butterflies begin to flutter in my stomach. "Guys, you're not helping." Will muttered to them before speaking directly to me: "Mike, Jonathan said he'll drive me to your house. I'm on my way now, I'll see you in ten. Over and out."
The knowledge that I would be seeing him, William Byers, within the next ten minutes made my heart begin to race and the panic set it. Will was always the friend I was closest to ever since Kindergarten, the one who always knew how to cheer me up no matter what was happening in my life and he probably thought he could do it again. What he didn't know, however, was he was the reason that my life had turned upside-down in the last couple of weeks.
It all started when I heard the words "Hey, Zombie Boy. Do you wanna dance?" And Will instinctively looked right at me and I gazed into those beautiful hazel eyes of his. I pushed him forward because I knew he needed a nudge in the right direction to dance with this girl. I thought I was doing what was best for him but that didn't stop the uncontrollable jealousy that erupted within me as he lay his hands on this girl whose name I didn't even know. I'd never been so confused in my life as to why I was feeling this way, why should I be jealous that my friend was dancing with some girl? I should have been happy for him, right? Yet I wasn't and all that I knew was that watching Will's little smile light up his whole face as he looked into the eyes of another sent shockwaves of pain throughout my body. The agony I was feeling was real and intense but I didn't know why.
When El arrived and we danced together, she cleared my thoughts and dulled the pain I was feeling for a moment or two but that was only temporary. Every time I glanced over to Will, my heart began to ache all over again.
I honestly liked El, that's the truth. I cared about her more than I can even begin to explain but finally being in the same room with the two of them at the same time made me begin to realise that though I may have liked El, what I feel for Will is so much stronger.
The emotional battle I'd been fighting these past couple of weeks has been me trying to convince myself that I am just protective of Will because he's my best friend and he's been through so much, so naturally I'll care about him a considerable amount but I am 100% in love with Eleven.
It didn't take me long to realise I was lying to myself.
The conclusion I've finally managed to draw is that I am in love with none other than my very best friend, William Byers. The little one in our party, the one with the brown hair styled into an adorable bowl cut, the one whose smile always manages to brighten my day, the one who I could watch draw for hours and hours and never get bored because the way his hand glides over the paper and creates an entire world from inside his beautiful head is the most incredible thing in the world to me. The one who deserves better.
I realised I've been in love with him probably for as long as I've known him, I was just always too young to understand quite what it meant or what I was feeling. El never stood a chance with me but I talked myself into it that she did. Through no fault of her own, my heart belonged to somebody else when I met her and I had lost that somebody. I needed to fill the void his absence left within me and without even knowing what I was doing, I tried to fill it with her.
"Michael." My mother called up the stairs.
"What?" I screamed back, aggravated that she was bothering me when she knew I didn't want company.
My mother's sigh was audible from all the way downstairs when she said: "William is here to see you."
It was in that moment that I felt my heart just stop. How could I look into his eyes and pretend like I haven't just realised that he's all I could ever possibly want in this life?
My breathing became heavier to the point where it felt almost impossible as I frantically looked around my room to see if it was tidy enough for guests but two weeks of solitary confinement meant that things were scattered haphazardly all over the place. I knew Will wouldn't mind but I didn't want him to see it, he would only worry more. "The basement it is." I said aloud to myself.
One quick glance in the mirror showed me that my hair was a matted mess and when I thought about it, I couldn't remember the last time I'd brushed it. I rapidly combed my fingers through the worst knots and hoped for the best. I can't say it looked much different but my hair now lay ever so slightly flatter and that was good enough for me.
Heart hammering, I began to race downstairs to Will. My Will.
There he was, standing sheepishly at the door. His hands were tucked deeply into the pockets of his pale, baggy jeans as he leaned against the doorframe waiting for me, his eyes were trained intently on the floor. He somehow looked smaller than he had done two weeks ago and all I wanted to do was put my arms around him and tell him everything was okay, I was fine. "Hey." I said, praying I could control my voice around him. No breaks, no sadness, just plain old Mike's voice.
Will's whole body twitched as he jumped at the sound of my arrival. I guessed he was still a little skittish, understandably. "Hi." He responded as he looked up at me and I gazed into those eyes that I dream about every night. My heart blazed with longing, to caress his cheek, to kiss him, to call him mine but I knew these things couldn't be true. "How are you feeling?"
"I've been better." I laughed. "Let's go down to the basement. I guess we can talk there."
Will silently nodded his head, his long hair fluttering around as he as he did so. He was so adorable, I couldn't love him more.
Together, we sat on the couch in my basement and a shiver shot up my spine as I realised we were in the exact same positions we were when we vowed to go "crazy together" last Halloween. I guess that never happened, I lost my mind and now Will was here to help me out. Will was sane, Will wasn't crying himself to sleep every night (that's if he even managed to sleep) over a boy who would never love him back.
Will took my hand in his own and squeezed it, "Hey, it's okay." He whispered softly to me as he used his free hand to wipe the tears I didn't know were falling from my face. My eyes involuntarily closed at his touch and I wished more than anything I could freeze time and live in this moment forever. "Do you want to tell me what's going on?"
My eyes flicked open and I felt all the electricity of a lightning storm when I realised how close we were. He had shifted positions so there was less distance between us and my heart began to hammer so violently it would have been a miracle if he hadn't heard it. "W-will," I stammered, I didn't know how I'd get the words out but he gave my hand another affectionate squeeze and I felt the courage to go on, "I think I have to break up with El."
*
Well, hello. It's me and that was my prologue. I hope you all enjoyed it even though, let's be honest, it's not the happiest thing on the planet. The whole point of it, idk if you picked up on this or not, MICHAEL WHEELER IS FUCKING IN LOVE WITH WILLIAM BYERS!! And that's all I have to say.
Thank you and goodnight (it's actually morning here but that doesn't have the same effect, amirite).
- Niamh.