Assalamualaikum beautiful people!
Chapter 50 is here. Can you believe it? It has been an emotional rollercoaster ride as far as this leg of the journey of Junaina Javed Ali is concerned. Warning, you might get all kinds of feels as you read this chapter. If there are any typos or errors please excuse them. I've been waiting to be done with this chapter for ages now.
Enjoy!
#50 The Adieu
“No way Mom! You can’t just ship me away from here!”
The whole scene felt like deja vu.
Mom’s so called amazing surprise was the fact that I’d be taken back to Dubai the day my exams got over. Only, this amazing surprise was a few months too late. I didn’t want to leave Salimabad anymore. Ashiana was my home. She couldn’t just uproot me as and how she pleased because she wanted me back with her.
The worst thing was that everyone supported her. Dad, Samir, Chachi, Chachi, Shoaib Bhai and with him Iqra Bhabhi, both Phuppis, Di; every last one of them was with Mom in this matter.
Even Dadi.
And that hurt the most. Did they not like having me live here with them any more? Was I too much of a nuisance? Did I create too many problems?
I couldn’t stop crying myself to sleep ever since Mom broke the news to me. Why on earth would they want to take me away when they knew I was happy here?
So many questions and no answers to any of them. Or rather I didn’t let anyone answer them for me. I locked myself up in my room away from my family, and kept myself busy with studies. Either I had Annu bring my meals up to my room or I skipped them altogether. I prayed, slept and spent the days all by myself. The only time anyone saw me was when I left the house for school and returned home. That’s the only time I ventured downstairs. And that was because I had no alternate route. If I could I would I have swung down the window like Rapunzel and snuck my way out of the grounds of my beloved Ashiana. The Ashiana, the nest I was being asked to leave in little more than a month.
Of course my Ali family being made of persistent stuff, attempted multiple times in multiple ways to get through to me. I deactivated all my social networking accounts and isolated myself online as well. When they tried to use my friends to approach me, I stopped hanging out with them as well.
I made myself well and truly alone.
For the social creature that I was who thrived on being with people, it was extremely hard. I was almost always crying. I craved time with Dadi, but I refused to go to her. I switched my phone off because it was so tempting to answer Di's calls. They day my family left for Dubai they thought I’d make an appearance. I did not. Not even when Samir begged outside my door and his voice broke as he did. My heart shattered for him, but it was already smashed to bits.
I hated myself. Sleep evaded me as I tried to come to terms with the fact that none of the family wanted me here. What did I do to any of them? Did I not improve enough as a person? Maybe Dadi intended this all along, maybe I was too much to handle.
So proud I was of myself, Junaina Javed Ali. So proud I was of the fact that I belonged to this family. My appearance, my intellect, my skills; so proud I was of everything. And now, my hair hung limp when left open, dull and uncared for. It lost its lustre just like my eyes. My clothes became loose. I became angled and sharp as all my bones stood out, pronounced because of my weakness. It became harder and harder for me to concentrate. Even my prayers were failing me.
I was losing it.
That’s probably why I forgot to lock the door behind me one chilly February day and Bhabhi found me curled into a ball at the foot of my bed. I was a horrible mess of tears and unkempt clothes and I was shivering. I didn’t realize how cold it was until she pulled me to her and enveloped me with her warmth.
She didn’t say anything which made it easier. I was far too tired to push her away. In the dim lighting of my room we sat like on the carpet, for ages it seemed to me. Her crisp and clean clothes were being stained by my tears. I felt dirty, but she just held me closer and let me cry it out.
I don’t know when I started talking. But I found myself telling her everything. Even stuff about Zaid. I was confessing to her about what brought me to Salimabad in the first place. Through tears and blubbering and stammering, I was baring my heart to Iqra Bhabhi. I told her about my relationships, my old friends, Zidan and my last conversation with him, how it had ended in a fight. She listened in silence as I talked about Dadi and how I feared her and then loved her so fiercely. All she did was stroke my hair and hold my hand and listen and listen as I talked about Mom and Dad and Azhar and Zaid.
By the time I was done, hours probably flew by. I had no sense of time. Even then Bhabhi didn’t speak a word. She instead stood up and pulled me along and sent me to the washroom with fresh clothes. I didn’t feel like letting go of her though. Having proper human contact after such a long time, I clung to her.
Slowly she made me release her and said, “Go and take a nice warm bath honey. I’ll be right here, I promise.”
Seeing conviction in her eyes, the same as that of her brother’s, I followed her instruction and stepped into the shower. With the grime and dirt and filthy water that went down the drain also went a bit of the blackness that has been haunting my soul for a while now.
I felt squeaky clean inside and out after I was done.
My room also looked impeccable. All the laundry that was strewn in a mess in the dressing room was cleared up, it looked even more perfectly organized than the way I used to keep it. My books and files were stacked neatly on my desk and my bed spreads and covers were all changed. The room was lit up properly and Bhabhi had thrown the doors of the balcony and the windows open. The night sky looked brilliant as it was clear and strewn with stars.
Bhabhi was seated on the window seat with a tray of food beside her. I took my time in getting to her, feeling self conscious now that she knew things about me I would otherwise not have told her. However, she had not coerced me into confession.
On hearing me approach she shifted her gaze from the view outside to me. Her face lit up with a warm smile. It was not a million watt grin like that of Bhai's. It was mellow but beautiful closed smile that made her deep eyes look lovely. It was soft and comforting. I walked the rest of the way to the seat more confidently.
Iqra Bhabhi would never share my secrets to anyone, nor would she talk about them unless I wanted to. She didn’t have to speak to reassure me. Her silence conveyed volumes.
“Ammi made your favourite fried rice and tikka today, have some, you look like a bag of bones” she said holding a spoonful of rice up. I couldn’t help but crack a smile at that.
She fed me and then started talking to me about how she missed her home sometimes and Sidra and Zaid. Apparently she used to get annoyed by Sidra's ceaseless chatter, but now she missed it. Not that it has stopped. Sidra called her almost every day without fail. She had even visited Ashiana a couple of times over the past few weeks it seems.
I did know about that. Like everyone else who tried, Sidra had also come to check on me and try to get me to open up.
“Jazak Allahu Khairan Bhabhi,” I said as I stared at the stars and felt light and free from burden.
“Wa iyyaki honey, it was the least I could do for my new family and my little crazy sister-in-law,” she ruffled my damp hair. I had to chuckle at that.
“H-how is everybody? D-dadi?”
I could feel the corner of my eyes prick again with wetness, but I was determined not to cry. I had to get out of this madness.
“Alhamdulilah, everyone is okay. They all miss you so much. It’s like as you shut the door on us the very spirit of Ashiana has dimmed. Even if the family gathers in the hall, nobody speaks much. Dadi’s tired very often. Ayesha calls everyday to ask about you. Last night Samar and Shoaib were planning to break into your room,” she giggled. But her eyes were forlorn.
Those tears that I tried to stop, they were flowing again, slowly one after the other. I wiped them away furiously.
“If they all miss me so much, why do they want me to leave?” Bitterness laced every word and Bhabhi flinched.
“Juni honey, you know it’s not like that. Stop listening to shaitan. We all love you and we miss you. We don’t want you to leave, but it’s not fair to your Mom either. She wants you home.”
“This is my home now, if she wants to be with me so badly, she can come here!”
Iqra Bhabhi sighed. She needn’t have reasoned, I knew how ridiculous my suggestion was. Even if Mom left her job there and settled here, half of my family would still be in Dubai. It would be incredibly selfish of me. I couldn’t make her do that. And I also knew Mom was doing this to try and make up for all the lost times.
“This is so confusing and horrible Bhabhi, I don’t want to go,” I sighed and looked down at my hands lying limp on my crossed legs.
Bhabhi laid her hands on mine, “Believe me, I understand. But you won’t get this chance in future. A time will come when you will have to leave your family and live in your new home. Then you will miss your Mom the most and be unable to go to her like you can do right now. So make the most of the time you get now, you said it yourself, you want to fix everything with your Mom. This is the time. As for Ashiana, you can always come here during your vacations, for Eid and other holidays and celebrations. We will all be here and we can always stay connected online and whatnot. It’s the twenty first century after all!”
And that was how I finally relented to going back to Dubai and came out of my self imposed prison sentence. I had spent so much time cooped up in my room that I came to hate it at times. And so I was almost always downstairs with my family, making the most of the time I had left with them. Bhabhi was right of course, with Allah’s blessing my Ali family and my friends and everyone would still be here. I need not feel like shifting back to Dubai would mean complete cut off.
Having had experience from Salimabad itself, I knew it wouldn’t be complete cut off. Even as I lived here I was still very much in contact with my parents and brothers.
When Iqra Bhabhi was done making me eat and convincing me that all the thoughts I had cooked up in my depression were utter nonsense, in came Samar and Shoaib Bhai. They weren’t alone though. Between them Dadi was being supported as she walked in, followed by the rest of the Ali family including Di and Jiju. All of them crossed half the way to my room and then stopped.
They were all smiling, big and small smiles. Almost all had moist eyes. But mine were fixed on Dadi. All the time I have spent here, I never saw her look so frail. And it broke me. She let go the boys and her hazel eyes were shedding tears one by one as she spread her hands out to me, beckoning me to go to her.
That was all it took to set all my silly thoughts on fire.
In a leap and bound I was throwing myself at her and we were laughing and crying at once. “I missed you so much my Junaina,” she reiterated as she held me tightly and stroked my hair.
Our embrace soon turned into a group hug as both my aunts and Di and Bhabhi joined in followed by their spouses and Samar. And then Chachi, Chachi, Phuppi and Di took turns to hug me as well.
“I can’t believe how much I missed you Juju,” Samar laughed as he flicked away tears and rolled his eyes.
“I know right. For a while he actually became a good guy because of your absence Juni Sherni. Your return to Dubai will probably drain all the lame jokes out of him!” Bhai said clapping Samar’s back, only to have the latter punch him in the stomach.
And everybody laughed at the two idiots.
“I am going to miss all of this,” I sighed as I snuggled next to Dadi on my bed and everyone else sat on all the chairs and sofas and whatever space was left in my room.
“We will miss you too,” Dadi said, her voice solemn.
“We’ve had enough melancholy to last a lifetime if you ask me,” Bhai said pulling at his hair in his usual messy way.
“I agree. We can do biweekly Skype calls and hold online family meetings, distance doesn’t mean we won’t be able to connect!” Di pointed out, smiling at Jiju as he gave her hand a squeeze.
“Yeah. We have the family groups on Facebook too.”
And so that night everyone was in my room for a long time, fondly recalling all that happened from the time I came to Ashiana, teasing each other and Dadi giving advice and little lessons and so on and so forth. Di and Bhabhi slept in my room after we prayed Fajr, that was how long my family stayed up with me.
Time flew by way too quickly. Soon enough I was done with exams and bidding farewell to my classmates and friends. Saira ma’am and Sreejith sir were especially emotional on learning about my departure. Sreejith sir told me to make it a point to stay in contact and visit Marwa whenever I came to Salimabad. Surprisingly Rahma ma’am was quite sad to see me go as well. She gifted me with a book and promised to keep me in her duaas, I was touched by her gesture.
Lia, Haseeb, Shikha and Najwa gave me a special farewell party in the one of the best restaurants in the town. They gave me an assortment of gifts and in the last few days before my departure they stopped by almost every day.
“With you gone I’ll be left to handle this bunch of idiots on my own,” Shikha complained earning a kick from Lia.
“How mean of you, all these years I’ve been with you and now you pick her over me,” Najwa whined making me laugh. Her brows were raised way too high her for her to be serious. She was mocking me.
“Actually, it’s a good thing that you’re leaving. Few months and you’ve already infected them with too much drama, imagine being with you for years to come!” Shikha rolled her eyes.
“Shikha we know you’re upset. You can stop being mean and maybe show it like the rest of us?” Lia opined at the risk of earning a scorching glare from the curly haired cynic who didn’t do emotions.
Haseeb was not as vocal as the girls. He was smiling and making small talk, but he was also being a bit distant. It was on the day before I left when Dadi threw a huge daawat in my name that he finally opened up.
“You’re a great girl Juni. I didn’t think I’d have to say goodbye to you as well with Samar and Zaid. It’s going to be very different without the lot of you here. Definitely less drama, it comes with you Ali people. And also less of all good things. Ahh, I wish none of us had to part,” he said looking away from me. It was so touching, I had to walk away for a bit and fan my face. Too much waterworks for this drama queen to handle.
Azhar and Azza's adieus were interestingly kind. Especially the former's as he and I had not interacted properly since the time I beat him up. I thought he’d gloat and be happy that the Ali kids were both leaving the school.
“Hey Juni, I know we didn’t share the best rapport here, but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. And all the best for your future,” he said to me on my last day at Marwa, just before I boarded the bus. I could feel Zaid watching the two of us right behind me. A smile inadvertently made its way on my face. Azhar was mistaken if he thought I was happy because of him. His apprehensive look was actually replaced with a genuine smile. He did look handsome when he wasn’t being nasty. And I told him so. He chuckled and if I wasn’t mistaken, Mr. Hashim actually scoffed. Very lightly of course.
“All the best to you as well. And try not to make too many enemies, I’m still undesirable no. 1 after all.”
Azhar left with a smile. Ignoring the boy who was standing in his favourite posture of crossed arms and no nonsense accepted expression, I got into the bus. Maybe I was smirking.
My bags were packed to bring with food stuff and gifts that everyone had so kindly bought me. Nani had made so many sweets and eatables that a sizeable portion of my luggage was taken up by that alone. I did stay at Dar-e-Rahma for a couple of days before I left. And she smothered me so much while I was there. Mamu gave me some of the newest releases in the literary world that he enjoyed reading.
Bhabhi and Di went all out and made me the most beautiful gift of the lot. The bought a mason jar and Iqra Bhabhi painted on it with glass colours. They had all the family members and my friends write me little notes and rolled them up into scrolls with which they filled the jar. I was told not to open it until I reached Dubai. It was so tempting to go against their wishes. When placed on the window sill where the sunlight hit it, the colours lit up beautifully just like the windows of Ashiana.
“Best gift ever!” I squealed as I crushed the two adorable super amazing big sisters of mine in a hug.
Chachi and Phuppi also made food for me to take back to Dubai. Annu also made me a little trinket. She was helping me pack my things just as she had helped me unpack.
“Didi,” she called out very unsurely as I was putting the green churidar Dadi gifted me into a garment bag.
“Yes Annu, what is it?” I asked.
She held out a little gift bag. In there was a bracelet, made out of tiny beads and embroidery thread. It was so delicate and cute and thoughtfully made for she had incorporated my favourite shades of peach and turquoise and blue in it. I made her put it on for me on the spot.
Dadi’s present was special. She made me open it before her eyes, watching me keenly. I almost felt like I was writing a test. Out of the bag slipped a flowy shiny black fabric. It was an abaya. And a very pretty one too, loose and breezy and stitched with pleats just like the ones I had in some of my gowns. The edges of the sleeves were trimmed with lace.
“Oh Dadi this is beautiful,” I gushed as I folded it
“I know you’re not yet ready too wear it right now, and that’s okay. You can use it whenever you want it or never.”
“Jazak Allahu Khairan Dadi, this is lovely. And in sha Allah, I’m looking forward to wearing it,” I smiled.
Dadi’s answering smile was the brightest I had ever seen on her face. Di and Bhabhi had also gotten me a couple of pretty scarves to go with the abaya, also for me to wear when I was prepared for it. Their positivity and patience made me so excited about their gifts. In sha Allah, I look forward to returning to Ashiana donned in their gifts.
During my farewell at Ashiana, I had gone upstairs to my room with Iqra Bhabhi to add some documents Chachu had given me to forward to Dad. Di was busy entertaining her in-laws so I didn’t bother asking her to come along with me.
As Iqra Bhabhi and I were discussing where to put the files, someone knocked on my room. The door was wide open and generally nobody really knocked before they entered. Unless it was one of my cousin brothers.
“May I come in?”
Oh.
My face flushed and I stared at Bhabhi in alarm. She was the only one who truly knew how Zaid affected me. She was amused and probably holding in a lot of laughter and teasing judging by her expression. My heart was racing and my palms were perspiring despite the chill in the air. I was stuck.
Bhabhi had the nerve to smile wider. “Help,” I mouthed to her desperately.
“Come in you idiot, why are you being so formal?” Iqra Bhabhi called out to her brother.
I glared at Bhabhi. She was supposed to help. Not sacrifice me to a torrent of emotions with a side of embarrassment. Ugh! Bhabhi pretended not to see me and continued to stack the files and place them in my little hand luggage.
Since I did not turn around to face him, Zaid came and stood before me. We were standing underneath the chandelier in my room, right in the middle of the carpet, face to face. Bhabhi was off to the side by my bed. She wouldn’t leave of course. That’s the only relief.
And I knew she wouldn’t tell Zaid all the stuff I had blurted to her, but for one wild moment I was scared that Zaid would go into angry mode and tell me off because he finally knows.
“Hey,” he said stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans. It was at that moment that I noticed he was wearing a red plaid shirt, just like my tunic.
So weird.
“Hi,” I finally said, looking into those eyes, the ones that were like dark chocolate in colour and so deep. A myriad of emotions flitted through them as neither of us spoke for a bit. I then averted my gaze because I couldn’t handle it.
Zaid Hashim was in my room for the first time ever, in person and not dreamt up by me. Could it get anymore weird?
“So you’re leaving tomorrow.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you going to Hyderabad by train?”
“No. Samar and Bhai are going to drop me to the airport.”
“Ahh, what time?”
“Six-“
“Oh stop it! If this was all you wanted to talk about you could have asked Samar or Shoaib you idiot,” Bhabhi said. I was shocked by her reaction. Woah there, is there something going on here that I’m not aware of?
Zaid sighed, look away, rubbed the nape of his neck, stuffed his hand back into his pocket and rocked on his heels. He was nervous.
I couldn’t help but grin at that. I made Zaid Hashim nervous!
“Junaina,” when he took my name like that, a shiver went down my spine and my dear heart stopped for a second before pumping away at an alarming rate.
“A lot has happened in the time that you’ve been here. When Samar first told me you were coming to live here, I didn’t really give it much thought. It’s not like you’d remember me much anyway. You hated it here when you used to come for your vacations before and then you never came for many years. The three of us used to play in the grounds of this house when we were kids, but you probably don’t remember that.”
I wasn’t prepared for that speech. Nor what came after.
“Samar told me you were modern and spoilt and nothing like the kid we played with. He was proven wrong of course. Yes you don’t wear a hijab and yes you weren’t guided in the Deen properly, but you were the same girl. Dramatic, short tempered and so intriguing. I never thought I’d be so puzzled by you. I never thought I’d be engrossed into trying to figure you out. Often I told Di here, that though most saw you as an open book, I found myself so confused because of you.”
His ears were red as he spoke. I probably resembled a tomato entirely. Iqra Bhabhi was done packing my bag and she sat on my bed, busying herself with her phone.
“All that drama with Azhar, more than him you made me furious at times. Many times I had to hold myself back from snapping at you. You were being so reckless. And that day when you hit him, ya Allah. I didn’t intend to be so rude but then all that pent up frustration just came out. But then I realized, the reason you acted the way you did and why you confused me so much is because you’re unlike all the other girls at school. You’re not bold like Shikha, you just put on a front. You’re very brave and you care so much. You’ve got a heart of gold Junaina Javed Ali. And I’m really honoured to have gotten to know you. You’ve impacted the lives of all of us in some way or other. Mine too. In ways I cannot still explain. Because I’m still trying to figure it out myself. And I wish that you didn’t have to leave like this. Qadr Allah I guess, if Allah wills, we will meet again. Till then take care, you will be in my duaas.”
As if all of what he said wasn’t enough to drive my sleep away for the rest of my life, he had to actually smile at me. I barely managed to smile in return. And then he was out of my room. But ears still rang with all that he had said. Oh my God!
Bhabhi came and steadied me as I swayed my way to my bed and fell on it heavily. “All this time he maintains silence and on my last night here, he gives a speech. Who does he think he is? Mark Antony?” I asked breathily when I finally found a bit of coherence.
Iqra Bhabhi burst out laughing. “You should have seen both your faces, blushing so much!” She laughed.
“Bhabhi!”
“Okay okay, I did not see anything,” she giggled.
“Can you do me a favour Bhabhi?”
“Anything for you honey,” she smiled.
“When I’m gone, give your brother a nice kick from me. And then maybe say sorry if you feel like it. Buy him a burger if he’s still offended,” saying that I left my room followed by a giggling Bhabhi.
I need not go into what a tearful departure I had and how Zaid was there till the end and how sad I felt and how everyone cried and how I stared at them till they were mere specks at the entrance of Ashiana. All of that was very depressing.
There was a conviction in my gut. I knew I’d be back here again. And not just for vacations, but long term. I thought Salimabad wouldn’t be ready for the awesomeness of this girl. But the truth is this girl has been blown away by the love and warmth and kindness that she has received in just a few months.
It’s not the end of my time here. It is to be continued.
***
That's nearly 5k words.
I hope I did justice to Junaina and her tale so far. In Sha Allah we are now going to take a leap and head into the life of young adult Junaina. I'm really excited and I have a ton of fun stuff planned. Of course there will be lots of drama and emotions and craziness because it's Juni we're dealing with.
BTW... did Zaid shock you or did he?
Let me know what you thought!
Much love,
Ann.