Present. September 18th, 2018.
"Is there any chance that you could let me sit here?" I look up from the book I have planted in my hands and sigh. "My usual 'friends' aren't here." He continues, putting finger quotes around friends.
"Why the air quotes?" I raise my brow and grin up at Parker.
"Well, I use the term friends loosely. They're just people I chose to associate myself with for my well being," He shrugs. "So can I sit?"
"Sure." I laugh and move over on my seat. "Are they assholes or something?" I realize how sad it must be for this attractive kid to find a girl dressed in all black reading on the couch in the library.
He shrugs again. "They don't accept me for who I am. I mean, they pretend to, but when I'm not around, they talk shit about how I am or whatever."
"How you are?" I question and frown at his sad look.
"I'm gay," He says proudly, but his face falls again. "I thought it was obvious by now." He's gay? I guess I could tell by his voice, it's a bit different than other boys at this school.
"They treat your shitty because you're gay? Fuck them! You're free to be yourself, always." I say genuinely. People that hate on other people for being who they are, especially when it concerns sexuality, is absolutely the most pathetic kind of person there is.
"Thanks, Lena. I don't know why people are so rude to you. You're a really nice person." He gives me a soft smile and pulls out a brown bag.
"I have Brooklyn to thank for that, I guess. It's dirty looks and rumor galore in my world." Parker throws a handful of cheez-its in his mouth and offering me some after.
I hear Parker continuously ask me questions and I can't help but yawn at the countless nods and shakes of my head. Is this how making new friends in this school would be from now on? Millions of questions about the bitch that told people I worshipped Satan in my free time? Hell, if anyone was worshipping Satan, it was her. The girl is literally the devil reincarnated.
"Sorry, I'm sure you don't want to talk about Brooklyn." He says softly, realized my bored expression.
"It's fine," I said with a sigh and leaned my head back against the cushion. "I just wish we could all grow up, you know? Move on from the petty bullshit and be real in our futures. Create the lives her we are destined to. Maybe it sounds silly, but if I have to battle through high school to get to the bright side, I will."
"You believe in destiny?" He asks kindly, searching my face intently.
"I guess so. There's got to be a reason we're all here right? A set path we all have? I just wish I could fast forward to the part that's not bitter and depressing." I shrug and watch as Parker's eyes light up in awe. "What?"
"It's just no one has ever believed in that stuff like I do. Oh my God! Lena, we are soul sisters! It is our destiny to become friends!" I roll my eyes and laugh at his dramatic tone along with him.
"Maybe you're right." I muffle between laughs.
"You ever thought about writing, Lena? You've got a way with words and I've only had one real conversation with you." He gives me a soft smile, and I look down.
"No," I lie, shaking my head. "Not in high school at least." I don't know why I didn't tell him that I write nearly every day of my life. Part of me just wants to keep that a secret, for now. Not that anyone will care anyway...
"Why not? Even like an anonymous blog or something? You'd be killer!" Parker continues to stare at me with some kind of sparkle in his eyes, making me laugh.
"I prefer more of a professional writing style. Like a novel." I explain, waiting for Parker's head to nod in agreement. "I love to create a story, an alternate universe. Somewhere for my mind to disappear for a while."
"You liar! You totally write, Lena!" I give him a sheepish smile as he points an accusing finger towards me.
"So what if I do? It's not like anyone will see it anytime soon." I shrug, tucking loose strands of hair behind my ear. I think this is officially the most extended conversation I've ever had with anyone in this building.
"That doesn't matter, if it's good you should share it. You should enter writing contests! They've got a bunch at school!" Parker's rambling begins again as he goes on about how my work should be 'discovered.'
I tune him out after awhile. Not to be rude but to try my best to keep the mindset I've had since freshman year, keep my head low and let my creativity out when I'm alone. Letting Mrs.C put my paintings outside and all around her room was painful. As much as I want my work to be seen, I don't want judgemental looks from the students around me. I don't want my 'reputation' to interfere with how people see my artwork. I begged Mrs.C for two weeks to take down my work, but she wouldn't budge.
When the bell rings, Parker and I say our goodbyes and go off in our separate directions, leaving me to go through the rest of my day like I always did, slow strides and my mind in a faraway place.
———————
"You do realize that attending school is slightly mandatory right P?" I laugh as Penelope gives me what she likes to call an 'emergency rundown.'
"Okay, but what's more important, making out with a hot guy in the back of the school or going to calculus and staring at the back of the nail-biter?" She says enthusiastically as if she expects me to agree with her on this one.
"You're kidding right?" I roll my eyes and offer up another laugh as she groans. I imagine her throwing her head back.
"He's just so damn gorgeous! He gave me that look, and I was done, Lena. I don't think you understand the stare that that boy has, it's like he was speaking directly to my estrogen levels!" Estrogen levels? What drugs is she on, seriously?
"Alright, you and Cole's hot and heavy make-out session is no longer on my list of topics I want to discuss." I joke and shake my head at the odd strangled sound she makes.
"I gotta go anyway, work in 10. Love you bitch! Text Carson for me will you? Make me proud!" With that, she hangs up, and I plop my phone down next to me, rubbing my eyes at her interest in Carson and me.
The truth is that there is no Carson and I. Yeah, he's my friend, and he's fun to look at, but other than that nothing will ever happen between us.
I listen to the soft voices from my speakers flood my ears, letting me find peace in the beat as I tap my thumbs on my knees.
As always, this peace is short-lived when the screeching of one very unhappy mother comes into ear-shot. "You sick bastard! How dare you disrespect me!" What's happening?
I open my door slowly and see my father pleading at my mother to stop with the yelling as he holds his calm exterior. My mother, being the complete opposite of my father, is throwing cuss words left and right as she punches my Dads stomach. Rage consuming her features.
"Stop it! You're having another episode, sweetie. Breathe okay?" My father tries his best to caress my mothers face as she breathes heavily. Every so often my mother gets these episodes of rage where she thinks of everything bad that's ever happened to her and releases it on whoever is in sight. Today it was my father. I don't know if there is a medical term for it, but it sure does look like she should be in a mental hospital.
"Why did you lie? Why did you lie!" She repeats. What's she talking about this time? I peak my head out a little further to see my Dad's eyes become glossy as he watches my mom thrash in his arms. "W-Why did you lie?"
"I'm sorry I lied, but it's okay. You're okay, sweetie. You're okay." I remember the first time I experienced one of her episodes. I was twelve, got home from book club and my mother got up and screamed at me asking me why I hadn't called. I was confused, I was terrified, and my Dad was frozen in place. He told me that when she gets like this, the best thing to do is to repeat that you're sorry for whatever she's accusing you of, even if nothing happened anyway.
I looked it up after and just saw a bunch of results for manic disorders and episodes, a load of Bipolar Disorder articles and joke articles about exorcizing the devil out of you. Nothing made sense to me. Sure, my mother may be a complete pain in my ass more than half of the time, but I still love her. Seeing her in pain like this for unknown reasons kills me.
My Dad notices my presence and gives me a soft smile, still whispering quiet 'shh' and 'I'm sorry's.' I don't know how he's been so strong through everything, but I'm thankful for it. I return my Dad's sad smile and turn back into my room, stripping off my school clothes and throwing on my pajamas. I snuggle into them and wrap a blanket around me as I sit on my balcony.
Destiny... somethings got to come from this right? There's a reason for all of this; there has to be. I chose to believe this because if I don't, anything else I come up with is much worse.
About twenty minutes into my pointless gazing at the beauty of the night sky, my father knocks twice before entering and sitting on the edge of my bed. I close my balcony doors and join him, leaning into his shoulder.
"She's going to be okay, right?" He nods, and I sigh heavily in response. I wish I could make this all go away. I wish I could change the course of my parents' life and make the hardships disappear.
"I think I need to take her to the doctor again. I don't know how to stop them, and they've been happening for years. Thankfully you haven't been whiteness to many." I can feel my Dads body deflate at the mention of the doctor.
"If she's getting worse the only thing you can do is take her to the doctor." I'm not sure if these words will provide any sense of comfort, but I've got to try. "Maybe the doctor will know what's wrong."
"And maybe he won't," the edge in his voice would be alarming to anyone else, but not me. "I've been trying to research this stuff for years. Her family has no history of the behavior, and the online results make no sense." He rubs his forehead and sighs.
"She's a mystery Dad, we both knew that." I try to throw in a smile, but I know it's not the right time.
"I know she's harsh on you, but I promise, Lena. She loves you so much. More than you know." I nod, forcing away the tears that threaten by blinking an aggressive amount.
"I know, Dad."
"Get some sleep, angel. I'll see you tomorrow. Don't worry at all okay?" I nod once, and he kisses my forehead before pushing himself off my bed and mumbling a final 'I love you' and exiting my room.