8th March 2018
Reece's POV
I come back the next day but Aspen is still not feeling better.
I am scared. I'm scared that Aspen will die. She is not strong enough to survive the flue.
Blake and George are still not allowed to see her but after a long discussion with her doctor - who knows me - he is willing to let me in for an hour.
I slowly walk into the room. It is very quiet and the blinds are shut. She has a breathing mask over her face and her eyes are closed. She looks so vulnerable, not like the girl I used to know.
I sit down next to her but I am not allowed to touch her or come any closer than that. Aspen slowly opens her eyes and moans. She doesn't talk to me.
I know that I am not allowed to touch her but I can't help it. Our hands are so close to each other, I stretch out my index finger and touch hers.
When she wants to hold my hand, I pull mine back. Why am I always not allowed to touch or stay with her when she's her normal self again? When she's having clear moments or wants to touch me.
"Hi Aspen." I say, she moves her head but I don't know what this means.
"I don't know if you can hear me or understand what I'm saying but I am so scared." I begin and I feel how my voice is getting hoarse. "You once told me about your fears but I didn't tell you mine. I think it's time to tell you what I'm afraid of. I'm scared that you will soon die and that you will be in pain. I know that your sickness is irrreversible but sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I hope that I woke up from this nightmare.
"Sometimes I wish I was dying instead of you because I can't bear the thought of you being gone. But on the other side, you are already gone. You're not yourself anymore. I am scared that when you're gone I have nothing to hold on to anymore. That I'll get tired of living without you. I don't want to see a world without you.
"I am also scared that I won't be able to love anyone else but you even though you once told me so. I know that you want me to move on but that's easy to say when you're the one who's leaving."
I pause because I hadn't notice that I had started crying. I need some minutes to calm down again.
"I know that people say that when you're young you don't know what true love is. Well fuck them because you can't tell me that I don't truly love you." I say even though she doesn't show any reaction at all. She just lays there with her eyes closed and the static peep of the machines in her room is the only thing that breaks the silence.
After a while I get the notebook out of my backpack and decide that I should read to her. She doesn't respond to me so I figure that this is the only option.