Chapter Twenty Eight: Talk
I bounce slightly on the front porch, shivering. The wind is ripping through the bitter air.
The porch light flicks on and I hear the handle turning, and then the door is pulled open.
Grandad stands before me, a worried look on his face.
When his eyes rest on me, he sighs quietly and shakes his head, stepping out onto the porch to pull me into a warm hug. He smells familiar and I haven't seen him since middle school.
After a moment, he pulls away and kisses my forehead, and then he pulls me into the house and shuts the door.
Nana is standing right there, and Mom is hesitating across the room.
"Oh sweetie, I'm so glad you're okay." Nana says as she pulls me into a hug. "You got so tall since the last time I saw you."
I smile a little.
Do I say hi to my mother?
I should probably just run, but I think about all the cars flipping on the highway and shake my head.
I'm stuck here at least until the storm blows over.
We all get kind of quiet, and then Mom breaks the silence.
"Your father is beside himself. You should call him and let him know you're okay."
Her voice is very calm and I know she's trying hard to not freak out, and so am I.
"I don't have my phone." I mumble, looking away from her.
"Here kiddo." Grandad hands me his cell phone.
I take it and I'm not surprised to see it's a flip phone. He doesn't have a password either, but I guess you can't on flip phones. I had a slide phone for my first phone in middle school and that had a password, but it wasn't really a password, it was just a safety lock with instructions on how to unlock it. It wasn't to prevent anybody from getting into my phone. It was mostly to prevent butt dialing.
I dial Dad's number and hold my breath.
It rings once before he answers, as if he was sitting by his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey Dad."
"Gracelyn! Oh my god!" He says. "What are you thinking? Where are you? Are you hurt?"
"I'm at Nana and Grandads and I'm fine."
"What were you thinking?" He demands. "I can't believe you! There's a missing persons report on you!"
"Yeah I know. I'm sorry."
"What are you doing?" He asks. "You should have called me! We could have planned this if you wanted to speak with your Mom! We could have done this safely, and I could have come with you."
"Well I didn't want to." I say.
Had it been planned, I would have had time to think it over.
I'd have had time to back out.
"I just..." he sighs. "Grace, do not leave their house. Give the phone to Grandad."
I hand the phone to Grandad and he takes it.
"He wants to talk to you." I mumble.
"Are you hungry?" Nana asks. "Thirsty? Tired? How is your car? Did you slip on ice? The roads are horrible."
"I bought chains at Walmart." I say."And my car is fine. She's a trooper."
She shakes her head at me.
"Come on, let's get you something to eat. Did you have dinner?"
I just shake my head and follow her to the kitchen. Mom trails awkwardly behind us.
Grandad walks into the kitchen and he's off the phone.
"I guess your Dad is getting on the first flight here." He says. "He might bring the Grey's, but we don't want to mess up your mothers recovery."
"Dad I'm fine." Mom says. "They can come. I'm sober. I'm fine."
I hope to Danny can come. I should have begged him to come with me.
I should have gone to him. I should have called him.
He would have talked me out of it. He would have calmed me down.
I don't like being away from him, and this time it was voluntary.
"Are you sure?" Grandad asks her. "If you have the slightest worry..." he trails off.
"I'll be fine." She says. "Seriously, I'll be fine."
"Alright. I'll call him back."
"What do you want to eat?" Nana asks. "Are you thirsty? Do you want some tea? Your Mom can't go to bed without it."
I'm not admitting I have the same problem.
"Sure." I say. "Tea's fine."
She puts a pot of water on to boil and turns to me.
"So I heard you and Danny are together." She smiles.
The thought of Danny makes me smile a little bit.
"Yeah, kinda." I wipe my sweaty hands on my pants because my Mom is right behind me but across the room, and my nerves are on high alert and I'm ready to fend her off if I need to.
"How kinda?" Mom asks quietly.
I don't like this. I don't want to include her in everything, I came here to have a talk and leave. I wasn't planning for a family reunion.
"I mean...we're not official or anything." I look down. "He's had a thing for me since he was ten, I guess. He just didn't tell me until August."
"Danny lives in Florida though." She frowns. "I thought you were in California?"
Shit.
"Yeah...I lied." I trail off.
"Oh."
Awkward. This is awkward.
Grandad comes back in then, and I decide I'll just go home.
"I think I'll leave." I blurt. "You know, head back down home..." I trail off.
I feel safer in a cage full of starving lions.
"Your Dad said you can't leave until he gets here." Grandad says.
So when you go to bed I'll just sneak out again. Who cares, right?
And then I remember I only have enough money to get halfway home.
"Oh, right." I mumble.
"I know this doesn't help much, but I'm sober." Mom says softly. "And I'm not going to hurt you."
I want to yell and scream and cry to her, but I can't.
I want to cuss and tell her how pissed I am at her, but I can't, so I just nod to myself.
I want to run so badly right now. I want to dart out the door. Dad has the same bank. He can transfer me money.
But I can't call him. I can't talk to him, because I'm a stupid kid who ran away from home and left her phone at home so she couldn't be tracked.
"I'm going to the bathroom." I mumble.
I walk past Mom and make sure not to touch her. I grab my laptop and headphones from the couch and lock myself into the bathroom.
I sit down on the shut toilet seat and put my MacBook on the counter, opening the lid.
I plug in my headphones and open FaceTime.
I hate how much I cry. I hate being so scared of her.
I don't like it. I don't like it at all.
I go into my recents and FaceTime Danny off of my laptop.
It rings only twice before stopping.
After a few seconds, his face pops up on my laptop. I stick my right earbud in my ear.
He's in my bedroom. He doesn't say anything, he just sighs.
"Why didn't you call me?" He whispers. "Why didn't you come over?"
"I don't know." I sniffle. "I don't know. I'm so stupid." I press my palm against my forehead. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing."
"You have your laptop. You have your car. If anything, and I mean anything happens, you leave, and then you call. I'll have my phone all the way up. I'll answer, okay? You're going to be fine." I nod and wipe my tears. "Dammit, I wish you called me, baby. I could have helped you."
"I know." I sniffle, but my heart swells at the word "baby."
"And I know you're there for closure or something, and I think you should talk to your Mom. You need this."
I nod into the camera.
"Okay." I whisper. We're both quiet and I just sit there looking at him.
"One of the hardest parts about all of this is that...durning the day when I wasn't talking to you..." I look down at my hands. "It felt normal." I press my hand to my forehead and try my hardest not to cry. "These last few months have been completely unbearable, Danny." I whisper. "I've missed you so much and I swore to myself I would never intentionally go further away from you, and now look at us. I'm all the way back in Maryland again, and I know the last few months were entirely my fault, but I hate how it feels normal not to talk to you."
"Hey." He says softly. "Don't cry about me, okay? You live down here. You don't live up there. Your dad is flying up there as soon as he can and I might get to come, and if I do, then I'll see you really soon, and if not, I'll see you within a week. Everything will be fine. You're okay, we're okay, I'm okay."
Sniffling, I nod.
"Okay." I whisper.
"I love you so much." He whispers.
I look at the screen so I can see his eyes, but the connect is horrible here and it's blurry.
The poor connection screen shows up and I look down at my hands.
"I love you too." I whisper.
Somebody knocks on the bathroom door.
"Grace? The water is ready and I know you're not actually going to the bathroom so just take your time." Nana says gently.
"Okay." I say towards the door.
When I look back at the screen, I can see Danny now but it's lagging a lot.
"Will you let me know-" the sound cuts off. "-Mom?" He says.
"It's lagging." I mumble.
"I said-" it cuts off again. "-with your Mom."
I just shake my head at the camera.
He sighs, and then my MacBook chimes with a text.
Danny: I said will you let me know how to conversation goes with your Mom
"Oh." I say. "Yeah, I will."
"Alright." He says. It says poor connection.
After a few seconds, I get another text.
Danny: can you hear me at all?
Me: no and it says poor connection
Danny: okay, do you want to hang up or do you want me to stay on the phone?
Me: lets just hang up I guess
Danny: okay, are you okay?
Me: I'm about as good as I'm going to get. I love and miss you
Danny: I love and miss you too
I go back into the camera and he does too.
I see him try to say something, but when I don't respond he shakes his head. He points to his eye, and then his heart, and then to me.
I smile and do the same thing, but at the end, I hold up two fingers.
We hang up.
I splash cold water on my face and pat it dry. I shut my laptop and put it in my backpack with my headphones.
As I leave the bathroom, all I can think about is Danny.
I'm going to marry him someday. That's one thing I'm absolutely sure about.
I bring my bag to the couch to return myself to reality. I'm with my mother and I need to focus.
I know they know I was crying and I silently thank them when they pretend not to notice.
I grab the peppermint tea and drop the teabag into my cup that Nana hands me.
I'm on edge being here and I'm scared and I want to go home to Danny.
The water darkens quickly because it's hot.
When the water is fully dark, I drop the teabag in the trash. I put in sugar and honey and milk and mix it. Mom is sitting at the kitchen table and so are Nana and Grandad so it's kind of a given that I sit there, too.
Nobody speaks and I feel my hands sweating. I grip my mug tightly and stare into the tan liquid.
"Grace." Mom says finally. I force myself to look up at her. "Why did you come here? How about we just get everything out of the way now."
I think of Danny and his eyes and how calm he makes me before I speak.
"I..." I clear my throat. "I'm having a hard time with myself." I swallow. "I'm having a hard time with everything, and I don't mean to be rude, but it's your fault."
She doesn't look taken aback at all.
"I know." She says gently. "And you wanted to talk it through, right?"
I look down again.
"Yes...but I don't want you to relapse. I really don't want you to relapse." I look up at her.
"I'm trying really hard to stay sober." She says. "I've been clean for four months, which I know isn't long...but I used to drink every day."
"Yeah, I know."
I need to let it out. All of it. I take a deep breath, and just start letting out everything I've been holding in for a few years.
"My plan was to move out of Dad's house and never speak to you again." I tell her. "But it took me throwing up in the car after talking to you on the phone to realize that wasn't going to work, because you did quite the number on me and I'm probably just as unstable as you are." I pause. "And I was in denial for a while but Danny and I were fighting for a long time and I was crying and I needed a mother." I force myself to look at her and my eyes fill with tears. "I needed you. I needed the Mom you used to be. The one that braided my hair and read me bedtime stories. I needed the Mom that taught me how to bake cookies, but you weren't there, because you tried to kill me."
"I think we're going to leave you two alone." Nana says when I pause. "We'll be in the den. Okay?" She puts her hand on my shoulder and I just nod.
If Mom loses it or something, I'll throw my cup at her and run.
When Nana and Grandad are gone, Mom stands up.
"Can I move closer or do you want me to stay here?" She asks.
"You can come closer." I mumble shakily.
She takes the chair to my right. The table is round, but where she's sitting, she's close enough to touch me. I scoot a little bit to the left.
"I needed a Mom." I whisper. "And I have nightmares every night, and I can't go to sleep without drinking tea, and last night I forgot and I woke up from a nightmare that you relapsed, and I was coming inside to tell you that Danny asked me to prom, and you were tipsy and told me to go to my room and lock the door because you wanted to finish your beer."
Mom has tears in her eyes.
"And I've tried." I lie my hands on the table. "I've been in therapy and I've tried, but every time somebody asks me about my Mom at school, I freeze. I'm tired of being scared to come home, because I think Dad is going to have you over and you'll be there when he won't and I'll drop a glass of water and you'll try to kill me again. I'm afraid of you now, and I hate it. I hate that you did that to me, and I told myself I wouldn't forgive you but I have to in order for me to heal. Every time Dad mentions your name or he calls you, I flip out and leave. I can't make friends. I miss you, Mom, I miss when you were a good Mom. I hate you for what you did to me, but I hate myself because I don't hate you. I hate myself for coming here. I hate myself for being scared. I just hate everything, and I'm so sad all the time, and I feel like I'm suffocating all the time, but I can't let you back in my life the way we used to be, because you could start drinking again. You could relapse. I just...just...you tried to kill me." I look at her and she has tears freely rolling down her cheeks, but I'm practically sobbing. "You tried to kill me."
She reaches out and she grabs both of my hands in hers, looks me right in my eyes and whispers, "Gracie, I am so, so sorry for everything I did to you."
And I think that's it.
Hearing her say it. Hearing her say she's sorry.
I drop my head onto my arm and just cry, because I don't know what else to do.
I hear her move her chair closer and her hands are in my hair, running through it in slow movements, and everything is screaming at me to pull away, but I can't do it.
"I was an idiot. I was a bitch and an alcoholic, and it took me standing alone in an empty apartment to realize that. Beatrice told me for a long time when I was drinking too much, and when it got bad she told me I was an alcoholic, but I didn't know, and the first step to recovery is realizing you have a problem. I went to rehab. I stopped drinking. I do nine hours of group therapy a week, and four hours of individual therapy. I have medicine for depression and anxiety, and I go to church Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'm trying, and trust me sweetie, if I could go back and take it all away, I would. If I could flip it so it was me who was abused, I would, but I can't, and all I can say is that I'm sorry. I'm really, genuinely sorry. I don't expect you to let me back into your life. I know how badly I've hurt you in all aspects, but I'm sorry, sweet girl. I'm so sorry."
I can tell she really means it by the shake in her voice. Plus, she's crying, too.
So I look at her and wipe my tears.
"I forgive you." I whisper, and I do.
I do forgive her.
I'll never forget what she did. I can't. I know it'll haunt my nights for probably the rest of my life. Some days I won't be able to get out of bed, and others, I will be as happy as somebody possibly can.
But I need to forgive her for me, and I do, because she's sorry and she means it.
When the words leave my lips, she presses her hand to her mouth and she cries too.
"I-I can't just let you back in though, but I forgive you." I sniffle.
"Okay." She nods, sniffling too. "Can I hug you?"
I hesitate and then sigh.
"Baby steps?" I ask.
I can tell she's slightly upset I don't want her to hug me, but she doesn't look surprised.
"Baby steps." She nods. We fall into silence, but she breaks it after a couple seconds. "You must be tired. You've been driving all day."
"Yeah." I nod.
We just kind of stay quiet and drink our tea. She puts both of our cups in the dishwasher when we're done and I stand up.
"What room is yours?" I ask.
"The one to the right of the bathroom." She says.
"Okay, I can have the other one, right?"
"Yes." She says.
I gather my things from the couch and walk into the bedroom. I shut the door and lock it. Maybe I should have said goodnight...
Whatever. I'm working on it.
I run change into white fuzzy pajama pants with Mickie Mouse on the them and a long sleeve black t-shirt.
I go into the bathroom to pee and get ready for bed, and then I go to the bedroom and lock the door again.
Just because I forgave her doesn't mean I trust her. It doesn't mean I'm going to call her every time I have an issue. I'm not going to FaceTime her to help me with my homework.
I'll probably talk to her once in a blue moon, like prom and graduation, maybe when I get accepted to college...engaged. Maybe she can come to my wedding and I'll tell her when I'm pregnant, but am I going to spend holidays around the table with her? No, probably not.
I feel better right now than I have in a while, so I cuddle under the covers and open my laptop.
Lying sideways, I text Danny.
Me: I miss you and love you
After a few seconds, the message goes to read.
Danny: I miss you and love you too. How are you?
Me: I'm tired and I talked to mom but can I tell you about it another time? I want to sleep
Danny: yes. Did you drink tea?
Me: yes
Danny: okay. Sleep well then, I love you sweetheart
Me: I love you too
I turn my volume all the way up on my laptop and push it aside.
*****
Okay tbh this chapter was written two days ago at 2AM but because I wrote it so late I was waiting for the morning to edit it because when I'm tired I tend to mess things up, but then I was busy all weekend
So there it is lol, hope it wasn't trash
~Sam