Fuck. This.
I hate this place. I fucking hate this place.
Looking around at the bare white walls, I rub the side of my head and wince as my hand catches on the lump situated there. Well, that really hurts. Shouldn't they have, like, bandaged it up or something? Or they at least should've had a look at it, right?
I don't know how long I've been here, but it hasn't gotten dark yet so maybe a couple of hours. . . I'm not sure. It feels like forever. Feels like forever since I stabbed Leslie in the leg and knocked out DC Noon. Feels like forever since I was on that beach, racing towards the boat as fast as I could, my hands clasping the keys tight. Feels like forever since I felt the sand on my bare legs as I turned my head to watch him run beside me.
Feels like forever since I saw James.
A lump forms in my throat. I don't know how many times I've cried since this morning. I look up towards the ceiling, trying to stop my eyes from overflowing with tears, but they come anyway. I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs.
Is he okay?
I think about his stupid, beautiful face and the way he kissed me last night on the beach. I don't think I've ever felt love before James. True, pure love. And I don't think anyone's ever really loved me before, not properly. I really thought we could make it, I thought we could run away and never be found and change our names and live our lives out together. I really wanted to make it.
So stupid.
I'm so exhausted, but I know they'll want to speak to me soon. God, I hope it's not DC Noon. She'll probably be cross with me for hitting her over the head with a gun, but I suppose I understand why. She'll probably want me to apologise. I know I should but, well, I know I won't. I find it really hard to apologise, even when I know the shit I've done is stupid.
I look down at my right wrist, tracing over the bruise on it with my eyes. A shiver runs down my spine at the thought of him. Professor Clive Koch.
He was a koch, alright.
Surely they won't give James into trouble. I mean, the guy was a serial rapist. He was going to rape me. They won't give James into trouble, they won't.
Well, that's if James is even still alive.
The tears return and I wipe them away frantically. I think about his body pressed on mine, his lips against my own. I think about his dumb little smile, and it brings a half-arsed one to my own face. I pick at the loose threads on the thin mattress below me and think about him some more.
God, he's really fucking beautiful.
Footsteps?
Footsteps. I roughly wipe my eyes to get rid of the tears and wrap my arms back around my legs protectively. My mouth drops into a straight line and I try my best to look emotionless as the footsteps get closer and closer. I squeeze my eyes shut and lean my head back against the wall.
A key twists in the lock of the cell door and I hear the door swing open.
"Alyssa," a quiet, calm voice says. I open my eyes and roll them as the voice registers with me. Dropping my head, I make eye contact with DC Noon. She smiles ever so slightly. "Hi."
"Y'alright?" I say.
"I'm alright." She crosses the room and sits in one of the chairs. It's next to a large, long table which has another chair at the opposite end from DC Noon. She motions with a slight head movement towards the other chair.
I stand up and walk over, taking a seat in the other chair.
"Are you alright, Alyssa?" She asks. I stare at her in disbelief. Of course I'm not alright. She clears her throat and drops her eyes to the table awkwardly. "Are you hungry?"
"Where's James?"
"Alyssa-"
"Is he alright?"
"I-"
"Is he... dead?" My voice cracks and I swallow hard. I'd promised myself I wouldn't cry, not in front of the police. I wouldn't show my weaknesses. It's frustrating, because I used to be able to hide my vulnerability all the time. But that was, you know, before James.
"No, Alyssa. He's alive." DC Noon says calmly. My chest feels as though it's about to burst open and my lips curve into a tiny smile. My mind races at a million miles per hour. James is alive. "He's in intensive care. He took quite a few bullets."
"When can I see him?" I rush the words out of my mouth, as if she's going to disappear in a split second and I won't get to ask. My leg bounces nervously.
"That shouldn't be your main concern at the minute, and truthfully I don't know when or if you'll see him."
My heart sinks. It feels like it's going to fall out of me. "I have to see him," I say quietly through gritted teeth. "Please."
DC Noon's mouth falls into a frown. "Alyssa. . . we need to focus on what you've done. There's a dead man and we need to now how he died."
My blood boils with anger. "I need to know if he's okay," I hiss through gritted teeth. I know I shouldn't be angry at her. After all, we did kill someone. Or I didn't, James did. But I was there, I helped cover it up. I helped kill a man. . . but he was going to hurt me. It was the only way. . . wasn't it?
"I want to help you, Alyssa. I want to help you both." DC Noon says very quietly, finally looking back up at me. I see the sympathy in her eyes and suddenly feel very guilty for hitting her over the head.
"I'm sorry," I say quietly. "For, like, knocking you out and stuff."
She chuckles. "Thanks. You just need to cooperate with all the officers okay."
"They're all cunts."
She shakes her head slightly, but she's still smiling. I feel like I should smile too, but I don't really want to, so my lips stay sewn in a straight line. My chest hurts. My heart? I miss him. But. . . maybe if I work with DC Noon, she'll let me see him. Maybe I can help him get away with what he's done, and we can be together again. Maybe?
"I need to hear what happened," DC Noon says. "From you."
I look up at the ceiling. This is the only way I know of stopping myself from crying. My head pounds uncomfortably. I didn't have a headache a couple of minutes ago. . . fucking weird.
"We needed a place to stay. We didn't know where to go." I say quietly. This is only party true. I know we could've just slept outside but I was being stupid, wasn't I? I was being intrusive and dangerous. As usual. Pretending I was fearless. "So we broke in and decided to stay there a couple nights."
DC Noon is scribbling down everything I say on a tiny notepad. When I pause, she looks up at me. "Go on."
"Well, I'd fallen asleep. In the Professors bed and. . . I don't know I guess he got home." My eyes start to fill with tears as I think back. "He woke me up and he asked if I was alone. I told him I was because I didn't want to get James into trouble. And then he pinned me down and started trying to. . ." My sentences trails off into a loud sob and I look away from the officer.
"Did he rape you, Alyssa?" She asks, the tip of her pen resting on the pad of paper.
"No," I say quietly. "But he was going to. I know he was going to."
"What stopped him?"
"James." I say quietly. "I don't know what happened really, I just remember being covered in blood. And then the guy was on the floor with a knife in his throat."
DC Noon takes a sharp breath. "So you say James used a knife to stab Clive Koch. In the neck?"
I open my mouth to talk but nothing comes out. My body folds in on itself and I find myself on the floor, massive sobs racking my body. I haven't cried like this in a long time. Maybe even ever.
"I'm going to help you, Alyssa." The officer says from her chair in a calm voice, considering I'm on the floor pounding my fists into the laminate. "I promise, I'll do whatever I can."