art by lila-selle on deviantart!
//
Remus was beyond positive that the ride to Michigan from Ohio wasn't near as long as it felt. Between Sirius playing loud music that they used to listen to when they were together and singing off key as well as Peter's fearful chat with James about love and failed relationships and how he was destined to die alone to whether Peter's unrational fear of Pygmy Puffs was justifiable or not. Remus just did his best to focus on the music and Sirius as he sung while trying not to let it affect him in a negative way versus listening to Peter on the verge of tears.
In reality (or rather, according to James when Remus had asked him), the whole ride only took approximately two hours to get them where they were headed, but it certainly felt much longer. To Remus, the ride had felt like a solid eight hours. By the time they actually arrived, James was whining to Lily about the heat, Peter was snoring right next to him, and worst of all Sirius had fallen asleep on Remus's shoulder.
Remus couldn't seem to shake the buzzing awareness of just his bloody existence and how close Sirius was. He could feel the older's boys breath tickling his neck hairs and his warmth radiating off of him, his hand was resting on Remus's knee and his knee was touching his and it was a bloody mess because Remus had not mentally prepared himself for something like this if it were to happen and, to his luck (not), it did. He met Lily's eyes in the mirror. He didn't like how all-knowing they seemed at that moment.
"All right boys, here we are," Lily announced, though her voice was quiet as if to make sure she didn't wake the others. Remus somewhat glared at her before shaking Sirius's shoulder in an attempt to wake him, and thankfully, this was the only attempt needed. Sirius let out a noise of discontent and stretched before he actually opened his eyes and gazed up at Remus with a small grin.
"G'morning, Moony," He hummed sleepily. Sirius then sat up and stretched his arms high above his head once more, sighing happily.
"It sun is going to set soon, Padfoot," Remus reminded him. He huffed and pouted, then he stuck his foot out and kicked Peter's leg in order to wake him. The blonde yelped mid-snore and scrambled into a sitting position, glaring over at a smug-looking Sirius. Lily and James both climbed out of the car, leaving the other three.
"Will you ever wake me like you wake a normal person?" Sirius tapped his chin, as if in deep thought, before shaking his head.
"Hmm... nope, you're out of luck!" Lily then decided to open the side door to the van and give Sirius a look of disappointment.
"Sirius, he is your friend. Play nice." Remus climbed out of the van, the other two Marauders following close behind him. "Sirius, if you're not bringing your bag what exactly are you planning on swimming in?" The raised his eyebrows suggestively.
"Nothing?" He sounded hopeful.
"Nice try, prat. Go grab your bag, and get the rest of ours while you're at it." Sirius didn't protest and he climbed back into the van and distributed all the bags before climbing back out. Lily grabbed her wand from beneath the passenger seat and tucked it into her bag before she shut the door. "All right, does everyone have what they need?"
//
The rest of that day, that evening, went by in a blur. James and Lily were being as cute as they always were, Peter had seemingly tossed all dignity out the window and began flirting with various girls always swimming at the lake, only to get shot down. Repeatedly. It was kind of sad, really, to watch the poor boy try to chat girls up. He wasn't unattractive by any means, he just couldn't talk to girls without tripping over his words and talking with his hands.
Remus just sat and read on the shore until Sirius decided it had been long enough and he dragged Remus into the lake with him. It had been... nice. Being so friendly with Sirius again, even though he was absolutely convinced he could physically feel his heart bouncing around within his ribcage. Sirius hadn't mentioned anything about their past since they'd started talking again and neither had Remus, he was afraid that if he did it would scare the older boy away.
Lily, on the other hand, watched the two interact throughout the evening. They were both smiling and laughing, they both looked blissfully happy, Lily hadn't seen Remus smile that wide since their school years at Hogwarts. "They look so..."
"Happy?" James supplied. They were sitting on the shore, watching the other two wrestle and disappear beneath the water for a few minutes before breaking the surface and laugh open-mouthed. "They always were. At least, Remus was. Neither of them had a good childhood but Remus had this pure soul, he was always smiling and laughing, he was the beacon of hope. Sirius was a fake kind of happy, putting on a show only to break down later. Remus helped, they both helped each other. After they broke up I'd never seen either of them look so... so sad."
"Do either of them realize it?" Lily wondered, leaning against James' frame.
"Realize what?"
"How happy they are with each other."
"Oh, that." James sighed through his nose and lifted his head to watch the two of them for a while longer. "Maybe. I think they realize it, just not consciously."
"Do you think they'll fall in love again?"
"Oh, yeah, definitely. Whether they do anything about it is a whole different story. Remus is stubborn, once he's made up his mind he won't change it. He doesn't want to fall in love with him again, so if he does, he won't admit it to himself." Lily nodded along. He was right, they were both going to keep trailing after each other even if something did happen.
"James?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm pregnant." She felt James still beneath her. "Please don't be mad, even wizard protection can't work all the time, I-"
"I'm not mad, Lily!" James breathed.
"Oh thank Godric," Lily replied, turning up and touching her nose to the underside of James' chin.
"How long have you known?"
"Not long, I'm a little past three months along. I was scared to transform into my Animagus form, but Remus told me it's safe until my fourth or fifth month along."
"You told him before you told me?" James didn't sound upset, much to Lily's relief, just amused.
"I was scared," she admitted hesitantly. "I didn't know how you'd react."
"Oh, Lily, I've been wanting to marry you since you decided you hated me. Having children? That's brilliant. I'm excited, Lily. Do you know if it's going to be a boy or girl?" She let out a sigh of relief and rolled so she was practically on top of him, and she hugged him, shaking her head.
"No. I love you so fucking much." With those words, James pulled her closer. "We should get married in Vegas."
"What?"
"You heard me. I mean, why not? Sirius can be your best man and Remus can be my man of honor or something and Peter can... Peter can be the ring bearer or something, maybe he can give me away or something. I don't know, I just know I want to seal everything we have."
"Didn't you want a big, fancy wedding? You always told me you wanted one."
"And I did," She replied, rolling back off him and gazing up at the pink sky. "But then I realized that that doesn't matter. What matters is I marry you."
"Lily! James!" They both turned their heads and saw a frantic Sirius being chased by a running Remus rushing towards them.
"Oh Merlin, what now?"
"Padfoot, what the bloody hell did you do this time?"
"He put a fucking fish down my shorts!" Remus shouted back, tackling Sirius to the ground. He sat on Sirius's chest so his back was facing Sirius's face and grabbed a handful of sand and shoved it down his pants. James lost it, doubling over in laughter. Lily grinned and flicked her boyfriend (fiance, maybe? She didn't know) on the nose.
"You deserve that, Black!" She replied.
"I feel bad for the fish!" James said through wheezes.
"I really need another girl to join us."
"Why not Peter? He's not much of a- ow!" Remus had stood up and dropped more sand onto Sirius, except this time it was on his face.
"Sirius Orion Black!" Lily shouted, "He is your friend!" Now Lily was on the warpath, grasping a handful of sand.
//
They had all refused to let Sirius have his wand to charm the sand away. He'd taken a total of four showers since they'd arrived back at the hotel and every time he walked back out of the bathroom, he just complained about the sand that was 'attached to his scalp and wedged down... there'. Remus had sighed at his wording and simply instructed Sirius to take another shower while Lily giggled from on top of one of the two beds, busying herself with a book.
"You two seem to be getting on well," She had commented. James and Peter were both out grabbing some food, the other three had decided to stay at the hotel. Remus sighed and flopped down face-first onto the bed Lily was sitting on.
"For now." He rolled onto his back and sat up, running a hand through his messy ear-length hair, he really needed to trim it, long hair was Sirius's thing. He looked over at Lily, who had her eyebrows raised.
"For now?" Remus gave a short nod. "Why only for now?"
"It's Sirius, Lils. He's all over the place, I wouldn't be surprised if he snapped back in a week or two, and if he hasn't by then it'll only take until the full moon. I know him, I know we'll eventually start fighting again, it's only a matter of time." Remus ended with a shrug. He smoothed out the comforter that had been messed up when he laid on it, trying to distract himself.
"Remus... please don't think like that. Even after all the stupid shit he's done you've always bounced back, this is just like that. Please." Remus fell back onto the back once again, messing up the smoothed out comforter.
"I'll try. I'm sorry, I'm just..."
"Scared?" She supplied. Remus didn't respond at first, they both knew that was the only word they could use to describe how he felt. Well, close to the only word. Nervous, anxious, and maybe slightly excited, but scared summed it all up into one. She nodded in silent agreement with him and patted his shoulder.
"I should hate him," Remus said mournfully. Lily didn't respond. She didn't want to respond, she didn't know how to respond, all she knew is that he was right about that. Saying someone should be dead was certainly unforgivable, especially if they couldn't help what they were. "But I just can't."
"Then don't. You don't have to beat yourself over not hating someone, isn't that a good thing?" He shrugged his shoulders and sighed.
"Maybe," He whispered.
"What are you two talking about?"
"Ways to get back at you for insulting Peter and shoving a fish down my pants," Remus replied smoothly, without so much as batting an eye. Sirius glanced between the two of them uneasily.
"Okay guys, really, wasn't the sand enough? I swear I can still feel it-"
"He was joking, Sirius. We were talking about James," Lily told him, shooting a playful glare in Remus's direction that went unnoticed by Sirius. The older boy was using a towel to dry his hair, shirtless and wearing low-rise shorts, Remus swore he was having breathing problems.
"James? Why James?"
"I'm pregnant," She told him. Remus met Sirius's eye for a brief moment before one of them, Remus wasn't exactly sure who, looked away.
"That's wonderful news! How far along are you?" Sirius seemed genuinely surprised, Remus was glad he didn't let onto the fact he knew before now.
"A little over three months!"
"Speaking of pregnancy," Remus interrupted, sitting upright once more. "I've been looking up spells to find out the sex if you're interested." Lily turned to look at Remus, eyes bright and bubbling with excitement.
"I'd love to know!" Remus smiled and reached to grab his wand off the bedside table, before casting the simple spell. A green light shimmered into view.
"Looks like you're going to have a boy, Lils." She threw her arms around Remus and hugged him as tight as she could. Her shoulders were shaking as she clung to him, he patted her back uncomfortably and looked over at Sirius to help. She pulled away a second later and let out a watery laugh.
"Thank you," she breathed as she wiped off the tears trailing down her rosy cheeks. "You didn't have to go out of your way to do that."
"No, but I wanted to."
"We have food!" All three looked up at James who was balancing two pizzas on his hand and carrying a bag in the other, while Peter appeared to be holding drinks. "Let's eat!"
//
It was later that night when Remus realized it was hopeless. What was hopeless, he wasn't quite sure, he just felt... hopeless. He didn't know if that hopelessness disappeared or worsened when he felt another body slip into bed beside him. Remus slid over so the person, who was Sirius, of course, could have more room. The beds were small, there was no way they could both lay in the bed without sharing warmth, without touching the other. "Do you like Lily?"
"Of course I do, she's dating James and she's a good person, she's a good friend." Remus looked at Sirius in the dark light, his wolf-like eyes slightly more attuned to the near-black room. He looked tired and worn out, Remus wondered why.
"Do you like her like James does?" Remus almost laughed at the absurdity of the question, he was almost it was Sirius's idea of a joke until he saw the look on Sirius's face, not a hint of amusement or doubt.
"What? Sirius, no- Sirius I'm gay," Remus reminded him. Sirius looked (and felt) oddly small. His feet were hanging off the end of the bed because he had his head below Remus's chin so he could look up at the younger boy, eyes wide.
"Then kiss me." Sirius sounded sad, it held so many emotions that it made Remus feel sick.
"Sirius, I-"
"Please, Rem," He begged. Remus wanted to. He really, truly, wanted to kiss Sirius. He wanted to feel the warmth and the rough, chapped feel and the taste of rain and smoke, he wanted to feel everything he had to offer. Remus felt slightly light-headed, he couldn't hold onto a single rational thought, so he leaned in and kissed him. He could've sworn Sirius shuttered at the touch. They melted into each other like warm chocolate.
Remus slotted his leg between Sirius's and put one hand behind his neck, the other tangled in his long hair, it was so much longer than Remus remembered. Remus parted his lips and let Sirius have control, just for the night. Only for the night, one last time couldn't hurt.
They did nothing more than kiss that night, every barrier they had built was ripped apart, but while they slept they rebuilt themselves. Remus couldn't let himself get hurt again and Sirius simply knew it could never happen again. Whatever they used to have, whatever future they were building, Sirius had wiped the slate clean with only a few words. But he didn't realize that anything could happen with a blank canvas.
Sirius didn't return to his bed that night. He had rested his head on Remus's chest and let himself be lulled to sleep by the steady sound of the werewolf's heartbeat. Remus didn't fall asleep until long after Sirius had, he was too busy arguing with himself to allow himself to get any rest. He only fell asleep when he knew it was hopeless.
Why prolong the inevitable?
Remus woke up to someone shaking his arm. He knew it was Lily, anyone else would've done something much worse. Remus groaned and pulled his arms closer to his body.
It took him a minute to realize he still had his arms wrapped around Sirius.
"Remus?" He felt Sirius stir in his arms. Remus mentally cursed Lily but opened his eyes anyway. She gazed down at him with that motherly gaze she wore so well. "Do you want breakfast?" He shook his head, he was worried that he wouldn't be able to keep food down.
"Not particularly, no." She nodded without another word and left the room. Sirius stirred again, and this time he sat up and untangled his limbs from Remus's. "Sirius?" No reply. "Sirius, please talk to me." Again, no reply. Remus wasn't very surprised, he should've prepared better for the inevitable.
The older boy got up, grabbed his bag, and disappeared into the bathroom. Remus sucked in a deep breath and shut his eyes, gathering his thoughts for a moment. He tossed back the bed covers and got up, leaving the room to catch up with Lily. "Hey, sleepy head!" She teased, ruffling his already messy hair.
"Mornin', Lils. How'd you sleep?" She giggled and turned to look up at Remus with her all-knowing eyes.
"I should be asking you that question." Remus sighed and slung an arm over Lily's shoulders. He turned to look down at her, smiling slightly.
"Last night he crawled into my bed wondering if I liked you the same way James did, apparently he didn't remember that I'm gay." He paused as they turned down the hall, did he really want to explain this to her? Maybe? He looked down at the patterned hotel carpet, running over situations in his head. "I guess he didn't believe me," He continued, looking back over at the red-haired girl who gazed back at him expectantly.
"He didn't believe you?"
"He told me to prove it, told me to kiss him." Remus shrugged, she could piece together the rest, she was a bright witch. "Now he won't speak to me." Lily sighed, then chucked humorlessly and shook her head.
"He's a bloody idiot, isn't he?" Lily mused, mostly to herself.
"The biggest bloody idiot I've ever met, does he think that's just... okay?"
"Course he does! It's Sirius, Remus, if you give him a couple days I'm sure it'll all go back to the way it was yesterday." He hoped she was right.
//
"Sirius, mate, what the bloody hell happened? Remus looked like someone shot his dog, what did you do?" James fretted, tangling his hands in his hair like he always did, making it stand up. "You two were fine yesterday and now you won't look at each other. What did you do?" Sirius patiently folded one of his shirts for the third time as he tried to block James out, but it wasn't working very well.
"What makes you think I did something?" Sirius wondered. He unfolded the shirt again, smoothing it out so there were no more wrinkles.
"Because I know you. We're practically brothers, I love you. So tell me, what the fuck did you do? I don't want you two moping again!" Sirius folded in the sleeves of the shirt.
"I don't mope!" He folded the shirt in half.
"Yes, you bloody do! What did you do!"
"Nothing!" He folded the shirt in half again, straightening out the edges.
"Don't lie to me, you know Remus probably told Lily and she'd have to problem telling me." Sirius grabbed the collar of the shirt and shook it out. This time, though, James snatched the shirt out of his hands. "Stop with the shirt!"
"I kissed him, okay! I accused him of loving Lily and... well... when he told me he was gay I told him to prove it by kissing me." Sirius shrugged helplessly and grabbed the shirt back. He shook it out and laid it next to him on the bed. James began pacing in front of him as he folded the shirt again, this time making it as perfect as he could by taking all the time he could.
"Fucking idiot," James muttered to himself. "Let me guess, too scared to talk to him now?" Sirius nodded miserably, finally just tossing the folded shirt on the ground. "You don't have to, you know. Show little signs of affection, as Padfoot or otherwise, make bloody sure he knows you don't hate him. So did you kiss him, or-?"
"He was the one who kissed me. I just asked him to."
"Then take this as the opportunity to be with him again, clearly he isn't against the idea." Sirius twisted the hem of his shirt in his fingertips, frowning.
"I can't hurt him again. I can't lose him again."
"Goddamn it, Sirius," James huffed, finally taking a seat next to his friend. "If he's willing to take you back after what you did I would imagine he's very, very aware of the risks he'd be taking."
"I told him I couldn't blame his dad for wanting him dead," Sirius whispered. James pulled his friend into a tight hug.
"No. I think I did at the time, but a day or so after I said it I realized the severity of it. I was so scared. I could never want him dead."
"And he knows that. He knows you were raised to hate anything that isn't a pure-blooded wizard, he knows."
"I can't take him back, James." He pulled away and frowned slightly.
"Fine, but just make sure he knows you don't hate him." Sirius nodded and left James' room, heading back into his. Remus was laying on the bed, his nose buried in a book despite the fact it was noon.
"I'm sorry, I just didn't know what to say. It was a moment of weakness, and I..." He trailed off, finding himself lost in Remus's eyes once he looked up.
"I understand, Sirius, it's okay." Sirius shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "Come here." Remus scooted to the sided of the bed, and Sirius laid next to him. They were both dressed, shoes and all, laying on top of the comforter. They had left the Florida idea and decided they'd rather go camping somewhere on the way from here to Tennessee. Remus had done a bit of research and stumbled upon the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, and that was very high on the list.
"Thank you," Sirius mumbled. Remus smiled and said nothing.