None of these are written by me, but none of them had the authors so........Enjoy! :D p.s. these are "supposed" to be funny/relatable.
I walk around like everything is fine...but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Sorry, I can't come to work, I fractured my motivation.
I apologize for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.
The more you weigh the harder it is to be kidnapped. Stay safe. Eat cake.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
If I won the award for laziness I would send someone to go pick it up for me.
There are 2 mysterious people in my house. Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and no one knows who.
Perfect boyfriend, y u no exist?
Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal so they won't eat all of yours.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear it's a beautiful day.
I've got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that i'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Behind every man is a woman rolling her eyes.
I know the voices in my head aren't real....But sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!
Don't give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
Respect your parents. They passed school without Google.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, your drunk.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
I hate how chocolate immediately melts in my hands like, AM I THAT HOT!? (Yes you are Keefe Sencen)
We are best friends. Always remember I will help you get up if you fall, right after I finish laughing.
Dear 9 year olds on Facebook with "It's complicated" as their relationship status. What did he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but then it gets boring so I go back to being me.
Some people just need a high five....In the face, with a chair. (For Jason)
Lazy rule: Can't reach it, don't need it.
If it's the thought that counts, I should probably be in jail.
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you.
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you'll be pretty on the inside too.
A virgin getting pregnant I can believe, but three wise men?
An apple a day can keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.