This chapter is the same chapter as 23. Silence, but told in Logan's POV. Enjoy (:
~ ~ ~
I never thought I'd talk about Emily again - especially not to Cameron of all people. It's not that I don't want her to know everything about me, because obviously I do. It's just that it hurts too much to talk about Emily. It hurts too much being the only one who knows the full story. The real one. That doesn't matter now. When I woke up in the hospital and saw Cameron there, it hit me that I want a future with her. It hit me that I'm in love with her. If I had never been in love before then I don't think I would've known right away. In a weird way, Emily helped me realize how much I care about Cameron.
It takes more effort for me to push Cameron away and hide things from her than it does to tell her everything I've ever experienced, thought, and felt. I don't think she realizes how hard it is for me to not overwhelm her. That's the main reason I've been pushing her away. It's selfish, but I'm afraid of getting hurt again. To be honest, I'm afraid of hurting her. I'm terrified I'm the villain in her story. Distancing myself from Cameron, and consulting Chloe helps get my thoughts straightened out and I pick up the phone to ask Cameron on an official date. I can nearly feel her grin through the phone as I ask.
I spend the rest of the day with Chloe, freaking out about the date. By the time I pick an outfit I don't feel completely unattractive in, my apartment floor is covered in nearly every item of clothing I have. Chloe's by my side to document my chaos for Athena, and as moral support to stop be from chickening out on my date with Cameron.
Approaching the house, gravity grabs a hold of my heart and yanks it right into my stomach. Looking to the pineapple in my hand for some form of comfort, I ring the doorbell and hear shuffling inside the house. My heart starts to seize as I hear the door unlock, but any and all anxiety I have melts away as soon as Cameron's face lights up and her laughter fills the air. I live through music and art, but I wouldn't mind if the only sound I heard from now on was Cameron's melodic voice.
"A pineapple?" She questions through her laughter.
I shrug with a large grin plastered to my face, "Flowers are too traditional. Plus it's national pineapple day."
Cameron takes the pineapple and leads me into her house. She glances over her shoulder with a smirk asking, "You know what they say about pineapple, right?" Her eyebrow cocks at me, and my eyes widen. "You're not trying to tell me something, are you?"
I swallow hard and throw up my hands in defense, denying vigorously. "What? No. I just really like pineapples, I swear." She sends me another small laugh and heads to set the pineapple in her kitchen. I pass by the kitchen, noticing her family in the other room and excitedly greet them all. Christina's face lights up as I bend down to hug her, and Mrs. Bailey sends a million compliments my way, making my cheeks redden. Even Cameron's step-dad is laughing and I'm not sure if it's at me or with me, but it's something and I can't complain.
I'm jealous of Cameron's family. They're all so close and care about one another so deeply. One of my favorite things to hear Cameron talk about is her family because she has a dynamic with them that I never did. The people I consider my family are Chloe and Athena. I love my siblings, I do, but I barely talk to them, let alone see them. Even the way Christina and Cameron talk about one another makes me jealous. They're never malicious and they always brag about one another.
Cameron soon comes into the room and stands beside me, and I can't help the smile that tugs at the corner of my lips. I continue talking to her family for a few minutes before she interrupts and steals me back away from them. I lead the way to my truck once we're outside and as I go to walk around the side of my car, I catch Cameron eying me up and down and jokingly make a comment that makes her blush.
A smile is plastered on my face the entire drive to the park. I make attempts to hide the smile, but the more I attempt to force it to go away, the wider my grin becomes in retaliation. The sun is nearly setting once the car comes to a stop, and I chuckle as Cameron instinctively walks towards the lake.
"Whoa," I chuckle, "Where are you going?" Cameron raises an eyebrow at me and I wave her back over to my position behind the bed of my truck. I grin again and turn Cameron around so she is not looking towards the bed of the truck or me. I move as quickly as I can to set remove the cover off of the bed, and to fix the blankets and pillows stuffed into the back. I take a deep breath and turn Cameron back around, placing my hands over her eyes so she can't see the surprise I have for her. My hands begin to shake, but I'm hoping the movement of turning Cameron around masks my anxiety. I remove my hands and the corner of her lips twist into a smile. I nearly skip towards the backseat of my truck to hunt down my laptop, and slide my shoes off.
I don't look back at Cameron, knowing I'll stumble if I do, and leap into the mass of blankets and pillows. I extend a hand to Cameron, and it takes all my self-control to not kiss her right then and there. I plop down in the bed of the truck, and Cameron settles down beside me. I pay no attention to the movie, too preoccupied thinking of the girl lying beside me. I swear she begins to inch her way closer to me, but part of me shakes the idea out of my mind and convinces myself it's only in my head. By the time the movie ends, however, Cameron's fingers have found their way to mine, and there's no possibility of me hiding my smile from her.
There's a moment of quiet where I want to kiss her again, but instead I distract us both by interjecting a question. "The best part about this spot?" I set my laptop aside, as to not get in the way, and shoot my arm into the air above us, wishing I had the ability to touch the sky above. "There's minimal light pollution in the park." I grin.
I see Cameron's head move in my peripheral. She first glances at the sky, but soon begins to glance at me. I tell myself not to look at her, but the longer she stares the harder it becomes. I make conversation for as long as I can, and keep my eyes locked on the stars before we both go quiet. Crickets and toads continue their conversations, but Cameron and I stay silent. I shiver as a cold breeze passes over us, but I'm not entirely sure the wind is completely at fault for the chill I feel. Cameron moves closer into me, and my stomach does flips in reply. I'm not anxious in a way people usually describe. I'm never nervous to be around her, but I have an overwhelming urge and need to be closer to her. I feel a desire to share the closest spaces with her, and intertwine ourselves to a point we can't tell where my body ends and hers begins.
"Logan?" She interrupts my thoughts, and my cheeks flush. I turn my head, too anxious to speak and wait for her to continue. "What's it feel like to be in love? I'm sorry, but I don't know. And you said you loved-" Cameron clears her throat, sadness washing over her. "You said you love Emily."
I sit up, noticing her tone as Emily's name bitterly escapes her. I glance at the sky, searching my mind for words to translate what I feel. The worst part about being asked how something feels is that the human brain cannot sufficiently put feelings into words. The stronger someone feels about something, the harder time it is to explain. "I think it's different for everyone." My eyes fixate on Cameron, dissatisfied with my own answer. She settles back into the blankets, but I keep my gaze on her – captivated by her every move. "Love doesn't have one feeling," I find myself saying, "and I think that's why it's so hard to understand it. I loved Emily. But I didn't fully realize I was in love with her until I lost her because at the time, I didn't know what love was." I don't think about the reason I speak of loving Emily in past tense, because my subconscious has already accepted the fact that my romantic love for her is nearly extinct. Cameron's hypnotizing eyes connect with me and I swallow audibly. "I can't lose you too." My voice is choked, but I don't know if she notices.
I'm frozen in my spot, and it appears Cameron is too. Neither one of use moves for a moment, but she eventually slides closer to me. I settle back into the blankets as she rests her head on my chest, and my cheeks redden slightly anticipating her comments to the fact that my heart is beating astonishingly fast. "Why?" I ask to distract myself. "Why did you ask what love feels like?"
Cameron's shoulders lift slightly. "When I was dating Alycia, I kept trying to convince myself that I loved her. It was different with her though," she explains. "Being with Alycia was like when you leave the house and you go to work or school, or to run errands, and your day goes by completely normal. You can even have one of the best days where everything works out in your favor and you're in a phenomenal mood. But there's this feeling in the back of your mind. This feeling like you forgot something at home. And you can't place it, and you figure it's not important enough for you to need it, but no matter how good your day is, you can't shake the feeling that there's still something missing."
"Do you miss her?" I ask.
Cameron takes a moment to answer, and I immediately regret my question. Of course she misses her. Alycia is perfect. How could Cameron not miss her? "I think so." She responds. I hold in a sigh, hiding how I feel. "Not the relationship though. I just miss her being around." My feelings are split down the middle. Half of my is glad Cameron broke up with Alycia and didn't feel the same way Alycia did. The other half of me feels like I unrightfully took something that was Alycia's. Not Cameron – because she isn't an object that belongs to anyone – but the love Cameron could have had for Alycia. I don't know for sure how Cameron feels about me, but I'd like to believe there's a chance she cares for me at least a portion of how I care for her.
Cameron terrifies me, and I lose myself in a thought of worry. I stepped back when she pushed me away because I knew it was for the best. I thought Alycia was good for Cameron and although it always pained me to see them together, I never hated Alycia for it. I care about both Cameron and Alycia, and all I ever wanted for both of them was to be happy. When Cameron left, I worried she'd come find me. That's why I pushed her away. I'm not good for her. I never will be. Now I feel an overwhelming guilt that I'm leading Cameron on. I have no idea if I'll just pick up and leave one day. I'm terrified of losing her, but that only means my first instinct is to leave her first. That's not fair to her. Cameron deserves more than me, but I'm willing to do my best to make her the happiest I can. I can't lose her. Losing Emily hurt me enough, losing Cameron will tear me apart.
Cameron shutters in my arms, and I pull her closer instinctively. She moves her head to look up at me, and I lower my gaze to meet hers. We stare at one another for a moment, and I'm frozen again, unable to move. My head jerks forward ever so slightly, making Cameron's eyes shift. She lifts her head and the corner of my lip lifts as I lean into her, pressing my lips gently into hers.
I kiss her lightly, tempted to pull away and not continue the kiss. As I begin to move away, however, Cameron leans more into me. She sits up to adjust, now laying half of her body on top of mine, her movements triggering a slight aggression in me. I slide my hand onto her cheek for a moment, and then slide it to the back of her neck and she pushes into me in response. I stop myself from pressing any further, and Cameron follows suit. It hits me that Cameron is leaving soon and I press into our kiss further. The desire to be closer to her courses through me, and leaves me feeling numb as I make my best attempts to fight against it.
I lose Cameron for a moment, feeling her pulling away from me, and I begin to retreat. Her attention focuses back in on me, and she smiles as I reply by leaving a trail of kisses down her neck. I nearly forget where we are, and use every bit of my self-control to slow down. The rest of the world blurs as my focus narrows in on Cameron. She makes it nearly impossible to remember the rest of the world around us. I continuously lose myself in Cameron and every moment I spend beside her. She leaves in a month. Boston is calling to her, and I have no right to stop her from going. My only intent is to hold onto Cameron as long as she'll let me, and to never waste a second of it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chapter song: "Devils Don't Fly" by Natalia Kills
The reason this is the chapter song is not because of the content of the chapter, but because the song has always reminded me of Logan as a character.
In case you didn't notice, the very first chapter of this book is calling "Endings" and Logan's chapter is called "Beginnings" I may have absolutely done so on purpose.
My apologies for posting this later than promised. I've been a little busy. I hope the content makes up for it.
Until next time,
Adrienne c: