Author's Note: Thanks so much for cracking open my first fan fiction! So far it has been received well. These first seven chapters will be short and slow as I started them right when the The Last Jedi was released, but will be re-edited over time to bring them up to the same pace as the rest of the book. Enjoy - I promise you won't be disappointed by Rey and Kylo's progression here.
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"See ya 'round, kid"
The haughty last words of Luke Skywalker echoed through Kylo Ren's mind; the tone of victory in his uncle's voice haunting him, even through the molten shower water cascading over his body. Eyes squeezed shut in desperation as his forehead pressed against the cold steel wall, Ren's will to close out the tormenting voice of Luke only succeeded from time to time.
Months of sleepless nights had passed since the battle on Crait when he'd stormed the abandoned base only to find no sign of the Resistance; the breathless, ephemeral moment when the bond opened not to feminine compassion, but the crucifying gaze of the scavenger instead.
He could have burned to a cinder where he knelt in that empty command post.
"Strike me down, and I'll always be with you. Just like your father."
Luke's words rang loud and clear; so certain, so rife with knowing that all control was lost to him. The brute force of a fist slammed into the steel wall, the ringing of metal loudly filling the bathing unit.
Pushing the sopping, dark hair out of his eyes with a wince, he stood back to survey the single dent that marred the previously perfect surface. The knuckles of his right hand were acutely swelling, but rather than dwell on the pain, Ren just pushed it away; mentally, that ache was as far from him as it could be.
Drawing on anger and hate in tandem had become second nature in his time with the First Order, regret and doubt non-existent in his pursuits, until the death of Han Solo.
Death, murdered, gone...it was all the same up until then.
Destruction stoked his misunderstood rage, upholding him in his own righteousness and justification. The hole of a broken home responsible for the source of his pain, young Ben filled it instead with what initially appeared as adoration from Snoke; but through the years, every word he hung on from that disfigured phantom only starved him further of affirmation. Nothing quenched his thirst quite like it once did; everything rang hollow in the abyss inside him, a gaping void hungry and ultimately denied.
Ren had expelled the apex of his pain and fury in the final swing that would cleave his uncle in two, but the lightsaber never connected. Realization dawned on him as the projection faded, and Kylo immediately understood the Jedi had become one with the Force.
"You're not doing this...the effort would kill you" echoed the words he'd stated to Rey the first moment they connected through the Force. Snoke had taught him well on the cost of such reach.
His uncle had sacrificed himself to be there, not only to delay him for the Resistance to escape, but surprisingly confess what no father-figure had before.
"I failed you, Ben. I'm sorry."
The purpose of the exposition was not lost on him.
Ren raised his forearm against his forehead, teeth grit in suppressed emotion, and reached to blindly disengage the water in the unit. The sound of dripping water trickled down off his body as he stilled himself and visualized binding the feelings up with red cords, choking it till he felt no more. Aching eyes throbbed of a relentless headache from...grief? He wasn't sure he could accept that emotion.
He stepped out onto the cold, obsidian floor, toweling himself dry.
Kylo Ren's tired reflection stared back in the mirror; dark circles lined puffy, red eyes stark against his pale complexion, framed by dark locks that brushed over his ears. Movement was stiff and methodical as he donned the usual black garments, then one-by-one attached an obscurely shaped armor piece on each shoulder; Hux insisted on it all for the purpose of being sworn in as the new Supreme Leader of the First Order. Buffed and polished boots completed the look.
Moving out of the bathing room and entering the bleak and empty bedroom area, Ren was ambivalent to everything around him in this place.
Everything was designed to be minimal and functional. Black floors, steel walls, a double sleeping pad, and a small study desk with a stiff chair. They were the same quarters all the high ranking officers held on board.
His gaze landed on the study desk, where a black helmet lay atop the mesh bag it had come wrapped in. A new one was made after smashing the previous model in the elevator, and with Snoke out of the picture, there was no one to claim he was only a child in a mask.
This blasted ceremony, he groaned inwardly.
He took a step toward the desk, but stopped when he felt the familiar rush of muffled white noise and air collide with his senses; complete silence followed, save for the sound of breathing that was not his own.
He had counted the days since they'd last gazed at one another, the moment overtly tumultuous between them both.
His eyes widened in surprise as he saw...her.
Rey.
She was leaning her side against the wall beyond the desk. Ren stiffened, and slowed his breathing.
She was staring off into the distance, pensive and sad, but just as striking as the last time he had seen her. Her taupe-colored scavenger attire the same as ever, hair in just a single low bun now. He resisted probing her thoughts, lest he give himself away, causing her to close the connection again. He remained as still as possible, drawing out the time just to look at her.
Grieving Luke perhaps, Ren mused.
Rey whipped her head immediately in his direction, obviously hearing his thoughts. There was a flash of surprise on her face as she jumped back from the wall, but it was gone in a heartbeat, replaced with a scowl that was almost forced. She crossed her arms over her chest, and said nothing. Their eyes met with an intensity that vibrated the air between them, and the force was pulsating like the waves of the ocean.
Ren tensed as his eyes connected with hers, but willed his body not to move. He tilted his head upward slightly and his lips parted as if to say something, but no words left his mouth.
Rey, he thought as he felt her disappointment radiating toward him. He had nothing to say.
There was softening to her expression suddenly; her name obviously heard through the bond between them. Eyebrows turning up in sadness, her clenched jaw relaxed noticeably. She stared at him a moment longer with melancholy eyes, then her gaze turned downward and she faded away.
The connection had closed.
He stared longingly at the spot where she had been, waiting and wishing the bond would open again; but it did not, and he could not shake the feeling of disappointment. The very same feeling she left him with before she closed the Falcon door. Or was he still disappointed in himself when he realized she had been the one flying the Millennium Falcon on Crait?
The bond continues then...despite Snoke claiming to have devised it.
He slowly pulled each of his gloves over his hands, covering the exposed flesh with black leather. Lost deeply in thought, he strode over to the desk and palmed the shining skull of the helmet.
He turned it over in his hands till it faced him so he could study it; the brim hung low over the eyes that were devoid of anything human, and the metal vent that resembled no frown or smile. It was both menacing and faceless.
Almost ominous that she would appear to me before wearing it again.
He regarded the helmet for a moment longer before initiating it to open. Turning it in mid-air, he lowered it slowly over his face, the whole world going black until the mask hissed shut under his chin. A digital screen opened horizontally in front of his eyes, his vision of the room enhancing and light adjusting to perfect optics. A small column of red numbers flickered in the lower left corner representing his heart rate, respiratory rate, and oxygen percentage of his blood.
Voice equalizer engaged, it flashed in the upper right corner, before promptly disappearing.
A renewed sense of purpose settled on him before he turned and exited from the suite, his calling to the First Order strong as ever.