[kiss me again - we are the in crowd]
The sound of screaming teenage girls filled my ears as they introduced the next song. Everything was in place: they were all on stage, there was a crowd of screaming girls who had been counting down the days until they got to see them, and I was here just like I told them I would be.
But it was a lot more than just that. The picture was painted how it was supposed to be, but everything was wrong on the inside. His face was just as it was two weeks ago when we said our goodbyes at the airport except now it was bringing a feeling of emptiness. This wasn't the same Luke I had seen play last month. This wasn't the one who was jumping around, getting completely lost in the music. The Luke I was now seeing was lost in a train of thought and it was obvious to everyone that he was off tonight.
It had been two weeks since we last spoken, and I now see that it had extremely affected the both of us. He was persistent with the calls and texts, but I wasn't giving into him. If we were really going to work everything out then it was going to be in person and not over the phone where either of us could say things we didn't mean. He finally caught on that I was ignoring him, but now I was positive that he was also ignoring me in attempt to make me be the one to crack and begin the apologies, even though I had nothing to apologize for.
I will admit that I might have overreacted a tiny bit, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't denying the fact anymore that I liked Luke way more than I should. I was just getting too used to having him around all the time again, and I had let my guard down thinking that he might just feel the same way about me as I did to him. I was just caught up in a day dream and it unfortunately caused all of this, so maybe it really was my fault and not his? Either way, I didn't want to leave this venue until one of us decided to get the courage and try to work this out.
My thoughts had distracted me from the whole ending of the concert. My eyes were focused on the show but I wasn't paying attention to what was happening and it made me miss their closing song. Next thing I knew, girls were flooding out of the venue talking about how they wanted to wait by the back door in hopes to catch a glimpse of them. It was still so weird to see girls freaking out over my best friends because I didn't see them as 'celebrities' in any way. It didn't seem possible for something like that to ever happen.
'We described you to the backstage security guard so you can come back now and re-unite with us!'
I responded to Ashton saying I would be there in a second, than tried to squeeze my way through the mob of girls. I didn't even realize how many people were really here, and how many were giving me weird looks considering I was going the complete opposite way of each of them.
"Can I help you?" The guard asked me as I arrived to the back door. Right as I was about to answer his question, a look of realization washed over his face and he backed up. "My bad, miss. Go right in."
"Oh-uh, thank you!" I stuttered, quickly walking through the door and towards the sign that said 'Dressing Room'. I took a second to calm myself down before excitedly pounding on the door. I was more excited than nervous to see them again. There was just the small feeling of being unwanted by Luke that was bugging the shit out of me since he was the only one I wanted to feel wanted by.
"Xan!" Ashton screamed as his face appeared on the other side of the door. I heard shouting from inside the room as he pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. Seconds later, there were multiple others arms hugging me also. I looked up to see Calum and Michael with big smiles on their faces as they held onto me.
"Can't breathe!" I squeaked, gasping for air every chance I got. I was more than happy to see them but their sweaty, hot bodies were making it hard for me to breathe.
"Oops, our bad," Ashton chuckled as he finally let go of me. "How was the show? Where did you sit? Were you alright sitting alone?"
"Woah, slow down there! The show was great, I sat at the bar, and I was perfectly fine." I laughed before answering his constant questions. Once he moved enough so I could see the whole dressing room area, I noticed Luke sitting on the couch with his phone in his hands. I had to keep strong and hold back the urge to run to him and be in his embrace while I break down into tears.
Ever since they left, my life had turned into absolute hell. I knew I would be sad and lonely while they were gone, but I didn't think it would be as bad as it actually was. Going to summer school meant possibly running into Melanie, and unfortunately, I ran into her more than I wanted to. We both exchanged some foul words with aggressive actions, and it ended up with me going back to my old ways; but I wasn't planning on telling them about it because I didn't want to start a pity party for myself.
"Hows life been? I feel like we haven't seen you in ages!" Calum admitted, putting his hand on my shoulder, turning me to face him.
"It's been alright, nothing exciting." I lied, shooting them a fake smile. If I was being honest, I wanted to cry. I was such a wimp; I couldn't even deny the fact that I needed Luke a lot more than he needed me.
They all nodded at my response before beginning to play with some bouncy ball that a fan had thrown onstage to them. Even then, Luke still remained on the couch with his phone shoved in his face. I remember what he had told me a long time ago that in awkward situations he would go on his phone to pretend to be busy, and I knew that was exactly what he was doing.
"Do you want us to leave you two alone?" Ashton whispered in my ear, nodding in the direction of Luke.
"I - I don't know," I sighed, shrugging. It was best for us to work things out because you could tell everyone was a little uncomfortable under the presence of both of us, but I was too nervous to be alone with him. I didn't have anything planned out and I wasn't in the mood to break down into tears.
"You'll thank us later," He mumbled, shooting me a small smile. "Hey Calum, Michael, come with me real quick! I need to show you two something!"
They both instantly caught onto what Ashton was doing and quickly followed him out, slamming the door behind them. My heart caught in my throat as I stood there, watching him scroll mindlessly through his phone, not even taking a second to acknowledge me there. I let out a small sigh as I sat up against the wall, bringing my knees to my chest and pulling out my phone as well.
I heard him let out a sigh as well, and he repositioned himself so he was now sitting up and facing in the direction of me. His eyes were still on his phone, but I could tell he wasn't paying attention to whatever was on his screen, but to what was going on in his head.
"So," He finally spoke up, startling me since I wasn't expecting him to say anything. "We should probably talk since that's why the other three left."
"Probably." I agreed, nodding lightly. He pushed himself up off the couch and over to me where he took a seat next to my side. Without saying a word, he threw his arm over my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. Naturally, my head leaned into his shoulder and my body moved up against his.
"Xan, I honestly don't even know what to say. No apology is going to take back what I did and that's what kills me the most. Even if you end up forgiving me and we go back to how things used to be, I'll never be able to change the past," He quietly spoke, moving his hand to my leg where it comfortingly rubbed it.
"No, I'm just being over dramatic. I mean, we're not dating and I don't control your life so I really shouldn't be mad at all. I don't know why I got so worked up over that," I lied, trying to reassure him that it wasn't his fault. I hated how I always instantly gave into him when the day before I was telling myself I would stand my ground and not let him off easy.
"It's definitely all my fault, don't deny it please. Ashton already told me everything you guys have talked about over the phone and I couldn't agree more," He admitted, causing my breathe to get caught in my throat. "I completely lead you on and then crushed you like that. I'm so sorry, Xan. I told myself I would never hurt you like that again, but that's exactly what I did."
"I was just assuming things, I guess. I'm sorry for thinking that since we were close again that it might be something more when it wasn't. I just let everything get to my head and it caused all this stupid drama between us," I shakily responded, nervous for his response. My heart dropped and shattered when he admitted to 'leading me on'. I felt like that was the confirmation that he didn't feel the same way that I did. He was basically saying that he was sorry that he made me think that he liked me when he really didn't, and those were the words I never wanted to hear.
"Alright, I don't know how to say this or how you're going to react, so I'm just going to go for it," He breathed out, tightening his grip on my leg.
"Xan, I do like you a lot, so you weren't just assuming things. You did catch on that I do like you, but I just can't do that to you, or us. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really don't trust myself in a relationship. I had convinced myself that if we were together than everything would be perfect. We would never hurt each other and our relationship would be how I imagined it would, but that's just not how things will work out..." He trailed off, at loss of words.
"Luke, I don't really get what you're trying to say?" I honestly said, scooting back so I was able to look him into his eyes, even though it was making me more nervous than before. I didn't understand what the big issue was? Relationships don't promise happiness or a perfect life. Being in a relationship means being with the person you really like, maybe even love, and conquering things together because the other person just means so much to you.
"In the end, we're only going to hurt each other. I've already hurt you many times and this is without us dating. Imagine if we were dating and I hooked up with a girl?" He pointed out, shaking his head slowly.
"Well, if we were dating then I'd hope you wouldn't even think of getting with another girl," I softly spoke with so much hurt in my voice. "I'd like to believe that you wouldn't get with other girls when you have me."
"See, that's the thing! I won't always have you, Xan. We're going to be in different cities performing shows and it's going to kill me not being able to have you in my embrace. I just need someone and I'm afraid I'm going to feel so lonely that I'll just say 'fuck it' and go find some girl to hook-up with." He truthfully said, afraid to meet my eyes. I no longer knew how to respond to what he was saying. I never thought of it that way, and I was now wishing that we didn't work this out because even though he said he liked me a lot; his explanation for not wanting to date crushed me.
"So then what are we supposed to do? I can't stand not being around you but the more we're together, the more I fall for you." I sighed, leaning back into his chest. "I don't want to stop seeing each other because of this...issue."
"I don't know what you want me to say, Xan. I can't let myself hurt you because it's obvious that what just happened effected you a lot," He shakily responded, running his hand over my wrist that was now exposed due to the shift of my bracelets.
"I'm sorry," I choked out between tears that were now streaming down my face. I was always so vulnerable to being hurt and that's what really ruined me. I put myself out there to feel pain because what's the fun in being happy all the time? If everythings going right then where's the excitement of something going wrong and having to work it all out?
"We need each other," He simply said, pulling me closer. "I need you, at least. Plus, I want to be around to make sure this doesn't happen ever again. I'm not sure how we're going to work out, but we'll figure something out."
"I don't want you to stay around just because you don't want me to do anything to myself. That's like being my friend out of pity and it won't make me feel any better," I sighed as the tears continued to flow down my face. I didn't even think I had tears left after the past two weeks, but unfortunately I had more than I wanted to.
"Xan, that's not the reason at all. You mean so much to me and I don't know how to make you realize that," He gently guided my cheek to make me look him in the eye. "I've never liked someone as much as I like you, okay? I'm doing this because I care about you and I don't want to hurt you ever."
"That doesn't make me feel better at all. If you liked me as much as you say you do, then you would want to be with me. You have to take a chance with relationships and if they don't work out, then at least you tried." I pointed out, resting my hand on his arm. We were in a really awkward position but we weren't focused on anything else but each other, and I was glad that his full attention was on me.
"I don't want to take a chance that could ruin our friendship forever. Relationships that don't work out are usually because they ended in a terrible fight and I don't want that to happen to us. I don't want to ever lose you and I don't want to do anything to risk losing you," He repeated himself for what felt like the hundrth time. I get it, you don't want to ruin anything between us. No matter how many times he tells me he likes me, it's over powered by the fact that he doesn't want to give us a chance.
"We're not getting anywhere, Luke. Our only option is to take a chance because otherwise if we remain friends then one of us will eventually move on while one doesn't, and I have a feeling that you're going to be the one that moves on," I softly cried out, the tears running down my face again.
Luke brought his hands to my face where he wiped the tears away, not saying a word. I was lost in his eyes as they didn't break contact as he wiped the tears away. I didn't notice his face getting closer to mine until I could feel his breathe on my face as one hand moved to my neck and the other to the small of my back.
"We'll make something work," He whispered. "Trust me."
With that, his lips were connected with mine and all the bad things seemed to go away. Nothing else mattered than the fact that we were actually kissing each other. I didn't even care if someone walked in on us, even if it were my grandparents or his actual parents. I wanted people to know the way we felt about each other. I wanted to scream to the world how happy I was and how Luke made me feel. It was something that I've never felt before and there's nothing I wanted more than to feel this way constantly for the rest of my life.
And something was telling me that I would be able to feel this way for a very, very long time.
YAY XAN AND LUKE KISSED WOW IT TOOK THEM LONG ENOUGH
SORRY I WAS LISTENING TO SAD SONGS WHILE WRITING THIS
ILY ALL THANKS FOR READING