'Fuck!', I yelled inside of my own head, how could I be in the same place I was just a couple days before, sitting at Magnus' bedside, waiting for him to wake up? Every time I looked at him, my eyes were drawn to his bandaged wrists and a jolt of emotional pain shot through the pit in my stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up, I couldn't see him like this. Earlier the day before, he had told me how much he had to live for. Later that night, he had attempted suicide. Again. The doctors had now concluded that it was something deeper than what we thought, that he could have depression so strong that even a relatively mild incident like what had happened the night before could trigger a suicide attempt. I'm now constantly worried about him, afraid that he could do it again, and that I may actually lose him.
I was awoken from my thoughts when a heard a groan from Magnus. "I'm here.", I said eagerly. He opened his eyes, but didn't look especially happy to see me. "Why?", was all he said in response. No "I love you.", or even a "I knew you would be.", but instead a "Why?". "Because I love you.", I replied, confused. He rolled his eyes, "I meant why are you here, in a hospital, when you should be at the morgue, mourning?!" "Ady found you in the bathroom and I told her to call 911..... I won't let you kill yourself." "WHY?!", he screamed, tears suddenly falling down his cheeks. "What if I WANT to die?! Why are you so... so... SELFISH?!" I stepped back in shock. I couldn't believe what he had just said to me. I knew that he wanted to kill himself but I didn't know that even I couldn't keep him from doing it. Would he really rather die than be in a relationship with me?! I felt terrible. "I-I'm sorry I'm such a burden to you...", I said, my own tears forming around the edges of my eyes. I swiftly fled the scene, ignoring him as he called my name, the volume of his cries growing with every step closer to the exit. For once, I was the one that wanted to die.
∘〇 〇∘
The tip of the blade pierced my skin, sending pain shooting all the way up my arm. The sudden sensation made me feel alive and I forgot my drama with Magnus. The exhilaration of the first cut was exciting and made me thirsty for more. I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and continued, drawing long cuts across my wrists and right thigh. Each time, I almost swore from the pain, then I smiled as I watched the blood ooze out. I'd suddenly frown and almost cry again, reminded of Magnus and repeat the action. Eventually, I had cuts from both wrists stretching up to both of my inner elbows and a line of long cuts along my right thigh and a few little ones on my left. I was tired and covered in blood, so I stopped, wiping off the blade and rinsing off the blood that was all over my arms and legs. Once I was cleaned off, I rummaged through my suitcase and found a sweatshirt and some sweatpants. Usually I'd wear a long sleeved t-shirt and jeans, but each of those would annoy me to death, constantly brushing against my cuts. I had just finished getting dressed and cleaning all of my blood off the floor and sink when Marshall walked in. I ventured out of the bathroom and into Magnus' bedroom where he was sitting on the bed. "Hello?", I greeted, wondering why he was there. "Hello, Alec. Could you please sit down for a moment, we need to talk." "Okaaayyyy....?", I said, confused. I sat next to him and looked at my lap, awkwardly fidgeting with my hands.
"I think you should leave.", he stated, skipping right to the point. "Wh-what?! But I don't have anywhere to go!", I stuttered back. He shook his head and continued, "I know you saved him once, but he's only getting worse now. Thank you for your help before but it's time for you to go. I'll even pay your rent if you get an apartment, just please.... Leave.". I felt like I was about to cry, but what he was saying made sense. 'I'm killing him... The one person I've ever truly loved...'
, "Okay.", I replied, voice cracking, "Just let me find a place first, at least.". He nodded, "That is acceptable. I'll meet you here tomorrow morning. You have until then to pick a new home.". With that, he stood up and left the room, door shutting noisily behind him. 'I guess I'd better get on Homeadvisor...'.
∘〇 〇∘
I spent the whole evening trying to find an affordable apartment nearby, because even though they were pretty much kicking me out, I still didn't want to be a burden. I had just found the perfect place when they called me into the dining room to eat. I brought my laptop with me so that I could show Marshall what I had found. "No electronics at the dinner table, Alec.", Ady warned, voice stern like my mother's. "I just wanted to show you guys what I found.", I justified. Marshall turned pale and I soon found out why when I showed them the apartment. Ady didn't
know that he had told me to leave, nor did she want me to, apparently. A heated argument broke out and I managed to sneak away and hop in my pickup before driving back to the hospital.
I opened the cool, white door slowly, cautiously peeking inside of Magnus' hospital room. I knew that I shouldn't be there, but I had to see him. To my surprise, he was sitting, his knees pulled up to his chest, crying. His hand supported his forehead and his elbow rested on his knee. It was mostly silent crying but every once in awhile, a loud sob would escape and he'd bury his face in his arms. Voice cracking, I decided to let him know that I was there, "M-Magnus... can... can I come in?". He nodded quietly and I slowly began my trek to his bedside. "Why would you come back for me? I only pushed you away... I'm sorry... I've just been very...", He paused, looking for the right word, "...emotional, lately." I nodded, "I understand. Your parents started to fight, so I left and went to the only person I could think of. You." He noticed me itching my wrist where the cuts had begun to heal and his brow furrowed. "Let me see your wrist." I didn't want to but I was almost excited at the thought of revealing our new similarity. "Umm... Why do you want to see my wrists?". He looked at me knowingly, "Please?". I nodded again and rolled up my sleeves and, to his astonishment, pantlegs. His mouth gaped and tears ran down his cheeks at the sight. I rolled them back down as he began to speak, "Oh, Alexander... Is this because of me? Did I do this to you?". I shook my head, but my reaction wasn't very believable and he began to break out in hitched sobs, "I'm so sorry, Alec! I don't even deserve-", I cut him off right there. "You deserve everything, Magnus. This isn't you, it's your.... Your illness. We're going to get you help. If you won't do it for you... do it for me. I can't stand you being like this, sad and suicidal. It hurts me deeply."
He stopped talking and was completely silent, an expression of hurt spread across his face. " Help?!", I suddenly regretted how I worded that last statement. " Help?! Alexander, I don't need help, I need you!". Tears ceased the formation that they had just recently been acquiring, "What? What do you mean?", I was now thoroughly confused and shocked. He rolled his eyes in frustration, "You're the only thing that brings me happiness, Alec, and that's what I really need, not effing meds!" I struggled to keep myself from smiling, a warm feeling flowing through me. I gulped, remembering the "perfect" apartment I had picked out.... And why. "Magnus... am I... I don't know... killing you?" He at first seemed shocked at the question but then considering it replied, "Maybe... but I'd wouldn't be alive in the first place if it wasn't for you." "... and what if I leave right now. You'd still be alive." "Alec, why are you asking such questions?" "Please! Just answer me!" "... no, I wouldn't still be alive, because I'm only truly alive when I'm with you, Alexander." I nodded, 'So much for the yellow tiny house with the white picket fence', I thought, 'Unless...', "Magnus, would you like to.... To get a house with me. Live together, away from everyone bad in our lives?" "Alexander, what is this? We're perfectly fine living at my house. Why would you want to move? Can we even afford to move?!" I hesitated before replying, "Your foster dad... he told me to leave, to find a new place to live and that he'd even pay my rent." "Oh, Alexander....", he said again, pulling me into a hug. "Of course I'll move with you.". "Really?", I asked, somehow surprised at his response. He smiled sweetly and said, "You're not getting rid of me that easily.". I laughed and he winked and it seemed that everything was right in the world again. I finally had my Magnus back, and he was mine and only mine.
∘〇 〇∘
After his parents arrived and signed him out, they wanted to drive with him in the back of their suburban, but I insisted that he ride with me in my pickup. Now, we were driving back to his house, discussing the moving-matters. "The place is a pre-furnished tiny house. All you have to take is some clothes and stuff.". He nodded, "And you leave this evening then come back at midnight to pick me up?" "Yup." "I still can't believe we're doing this." "Hey, he asked me to leave and that's just what I'm going to do.". He turned his head to look out the window and I knew that our discussion was over. After a few minutes of driving in silence, (I don't have a radio in my pickup.), I decided to start a new one. "So... what's your favorite color?" He looked over at me like I was insane, "Why are you asking something a two year old would ask?" I laughed and replied, "Just answer me." He sighed and after thinking for a second, replied, "Black." I nodded and after a few moments of awkward silence said, "Ok, I'm just trying to start up a convo, this car ride is like really awkward." "Agreed.", he said with a laugh and we talked and talked until my rusty old pickup had started to crunch down Magnus' gravel driveway.
∘〇 〇∘
That evening, I got finished packing and sealed the deal for renting the house. Marshall and I signed all the paperwork and I was finally ready to move in. Magnus was watching from the hallway when I left and gave me a little wink as I stepped out of the front door, a cool breeze hitting my face. Excited to check out my new place and nervous for the sneaky adventure I would later commit, my stomach churned, pained by my conflicting emotions. As I rolled up the long and narrow gravel path that led up to the tiny house, I thought of many things, but my mind could only concentrate on one. I stopped the pickup, turned off the engine, and picked up my suitcase, which was placed on the passenger seat next to me. Shutting and locking the doors, I left my pickup behind and walked up a cement pathway that led to the front door. Lifting my new house keys up to the keyhole cut into the lock on the door, I unlocked it. A 'click' sounded and I stepped inside, the small, wooden door brushing against my fingertips. I shut the door behind me and looked around.
Light from colorful stained glass windows illuminated the floors, adding a splash of color to the bland, light brown hardwood. Off-white walls surrounded me, circular windows cut into the smooth-ish barrier. A spiral staircase was in the center of the small cylindrical structure and as I climbed it, I began to make out what it led to. A surprisingly spacious loft awaited me, a domed ceiling engulfed with stained glass mosaic tiles, placed directly above the mattress, glittered in the faint glow of sunshine. It looked and felt magical. Dark blue sheets and many pillows adorned the mattress, making me feel a sudden wave of tiredness. I blinked, keeping myself alert, so that I wouldn't accidentally sleep past midnight and screw up the whole plan.
Once midnight finally struck, I clambered into my pickup and drowsily turned on the ignition. I was driving down Magnus' street, only a few blocks away from my destination, when my head drooped, me drifting from consciousness for a moment. I forced myself awake, startled at how I had let my tiredness take over me. A second was all it took, however, even though I caught myself, and I soon found myself hanging upside-down by my seatbelt, my truck destroyed by a collision with a tree. It had rammed into it and flipped over, the momentum overturning it in the air before it crashed, roof clanging against the sidewalk. The back of the truck kept it tilted, making me as high up as I could possibly be. A large gash pulsed red with dripping blood and had been torn into my scalp somewhere, the exact placement, however was unknown by feel. It wasn't until I glanced over at the cracked mirror embedded into the visor which hung by one latch in front of me, that I saw it, long and deep. The sight was nauseating and I held back a gag, not that it would affect anything if I threw up, I was most likely going to die anyway. Exhausted, my eyes slowly blinked shut, until all that remained was pain and darkness.